Dealing with unsupportive relatives

NadNight
NadNight Posts: 794 Member
edited November 23 in Motivation and Support
I'll start by saying I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to develop healthy eating habits and exercise regularly for a multitude of reasons (stress/anxiety help, eating better to help my skin, it feels good to eat nourishing food rather than a ton of salty/greasy stuff). However my mother and grandmother both associate healthy eating with the diets they've tried numerous times and tell me 'not to diet' and 'you don't need to diet!'.

Earlier, I turned down a McDonalds because I've eaten so much cr*p over Christmas that I can't stomach any more (who knew there'd be a day when I craved fresh fruit and veg?!) and was accused of being boring and essentially had an eating disorder....because I'd had a salad for lunch and then turned down mid-afternoon McDonalds (this wasn't like a few lettuce leaves salad it was a huge one with every kind of veg I could find, grilled chicken and bacon and honey and coarse grain mustard. I ate it because it tasted good and was nutritious, not because it was low cal. In fact with the honey, mustard and bacon I doubt it even was low cal!).

I could understand if that someone of my weight wanted to lose weight then it might be worrying. I am a little underweight but I'm looking to gain muscle weight but that isn't done by eating loads of sweets and fast food. Even muscle gain requires 'healthy eating', lots of lean protein and fresh foods and healthy fats. I'm also generous with my treats but over a week of stuffing my face every day is too much even for me! It's kind of annoying that the minute I try and take care of myself I'm told I'm boring and shouldn't be doing things like that. My relatives associate junk food with 'normal eating' and healthy food with dieting and weight loss.

How on earth do I deal with them without digging the hole deeper?! I love my mum and grandma a lot but the pulling faces and comments can be annoying and almost makes me feel guilty. Apparently because I'm young I should be drinking and partying and eating junk and because I don't enjoy those things (and I don't want to set myself up for a massive weight gain and health problems when I'm older) then I'm 'boring' and 'wasting my youth'.

Replies

  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    How old are you?
  • NadNight
    NadNight Posts: 794 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    How old are you?

    I'm 20
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    edited December 2017
    NadNight wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    How old are you?

    I'm 20

    You're an adult. Ignore them.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    That being said, you don't need 'healthy eating' to gain muscle, just a surplus.

    How underweight are you? Its understandable that your family are concerned.
  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
    Not everyone is going to be supportive of what you are doing, with weight loss or health or hobbies or anything else for that matter. I assume since you are young you might still live at home? If so, just do your thing and let the comments roll off your shoulders. Eventually they will tire of the comments because your way of eating will be normal to them. If you live away from home, this is the wonder of coming home to visit family (I say that with jest) ;).
    I’ve found that most people who make these comments are dealing with their own issues deep down with food and are projecting it on others.
  • NadNight
    NadNight Posts: 794 Member
    GemstoneofHeart wrote: »
    If you live away from home, this is the wonder of coming home to visit family (I say that with jest) ;).
    I’ve found that most people who make these comments are dealing with their own issues deep down with food and are projecting it on others.

    I live away from home so yes this is the joys of family vists! :lol:

    And yes I think they are, they're both the types that are forever complaining about their weight and trying a diet that lasts for 1 day...
  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
    NadNight wrote: »
    GemstoneofHeart wrote: »
    If you live away from home, this is the wonder of coming home to visit family (I say that with jest) ;).
    I’ve found that most people who make these comments are dealing with their own issues deep down with food and are projecting it on others.

    I live away from home so yes this is the joys of family vists! :lol:

    And yes I think they are, they're both the types that are forever complaining about their weight and trying a diet that lasts for 1 day...

    Just keep up your awesomeness and maybe one day you will be their inspiration to make a real change!!
  • NadNight
    NadNight Posts: 794 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    That being said, you don't need 'healthy eating' to gain muscle, just a surplus.

    How underweight are you? Its understandable that your family are concerned.

    About 6 lbs underweight (I've gained 4 recently, I'm trying to add the other 6 gradually) but I've always been smaller (the biggest I've ever been is 130lbs and although it's a healthy weight, it looked big on me). I also don't have (and never had had) much muscle, hence the wanting to add muscle and me not looking as quite light as I sound (I think skinny fat is the term)
  • dsboohead
    dsboohead Posts: 1,899 Member
    You are old enough to do your own thing.
    No need to open it up for discussion either. You discuss it you're opening youself up for the topic of conversation....keep it to yourself.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,169 Member
    It certainly isn't boring for you to add a bigger spectrum of food to your life. You can always say that you're bored eating the same old fast food. Or you could just shrug it off with a smile. A lot of moms and grandmothers equate showing their love for a child with giving food. So you've thrown them off their game. Tell them you're trying to gain a little weight by eating more nuts, cheese and avocados. Tell them your old way of eating just makes you tired and grumpy. Or tell them you love them, and you're exploring all the world has to offer.
  • frida001
    frida001 Posts: 437 Member
    The greatest thing about being older is that you don't really care about criticism. I wish I had that confidence when I was your age. You don't need to respond or take it personally. Let it go. You're making really mature decisions about eating healthy. When I suggest fast food, my boys say, "Are you trying to kill us?"

    The reply of "you're boring" for not eating fast food is interesting. Maybe you need to be more entertaining when you eat your salads? lol!
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    It's pretty typical to be "underweight" BMI at twenty, if you are a naturally slim and not muscular woman. OP does not sound like someone with an eating disorder and her goals are reasonable.

    OP, I completely understand your frustration. You could be describing my mother - she has spent her entire lifetime "dieting" and getting fatter and fatter, since her diet consists mainly of Wendy's fries plus a side helping of guilt. I prefer to skip both the fast food and the guilt. My mother meanwhile keeps trying to share her lifetime of twisted diet advice with me.

    Since my success at losing weight has become pretty visible, my mom asked me over Christmas to set her up with MFP, so I did, and it gave her 1800 calories to lose half a pound a week. She responded that she already ate less than that and if she ate that much she would gain two pounds a day, so she was only going to eat half the recommendation. Meanwhile I'm thinking "But you eat far more than that now! You ate fifteen hundred calories for breakfast today while I watched!" So she is continuing to eat fast food every day, lying in her logging, and then saying she can't lose weight on 900 calories a day.

    It's frustrating to watch her fail, and a little crazy making when it spills over into her doing things like trying to take me out to breakfast at IHOP (I'm also diabetic.) But I have accepted that I can't change her, I can only change myself.

    Healthy eating does make your skin better. And it will serve you well in the future - maybe by eating properly throughout your life, you can avoid the mistakes I made, and be much healthier when you reach my age (I'm 49.) Cultivate a pretty smile and a pleasant attitude when others say foolish things, eat or don't eat what you feel serves you best, and don't make a big fuss about it. You'll be back in your own space soon enough.
  • MarvinsAMartian
    MarvinsAMartian Posts: 236 Member
    Purple.

    My comment isn't relevant, just like anyone else who decides it's their place to say something with regards to your decisions about your body. What you think is what matters. As someone said above, it says more about them than yourself.

    I've dealt with this on both ends of the spectrum, gaining and losing weight. What I wanted to say (because I'm not a very nice guy) is 'go fluff yourself' but what I actually did was smile and nod my head because in the back of my mind they're dealing with their own issues and I'm just the embodiment of it staring them in the face at that moment. Sorry not sorry.

    As long as they're not in your face about it on a daily basis just ignore it. Eventually they'll get the hint.
  • Owlreee
    Owlreee Posts: 2 Member
    edited December 2017
    This happened to me and to many of my friends.

    Realize that your parents / relatives are not gods. They don't always know what is best for you, even if they want what is best for you. They also probably know nothing about nutrition. Your new habits are different, and different scares people.

    Don't overthink it. You have two options: your either give in and go back to your old lifestyle, or you keep going strong. It should be an easy choice.

    Just as a warning, you have a long way in your new lifestyle. Other people will try to bring you down as well (usually not on purpose, but not only)—friends, coworkers, random people on the internet, who knows. I remember eating some turkey with rice and broccoli in the kitchen at my old job when a colleague comes and sits near me with a Starbucks cookie and proceeds to lecture me about nutrition and how the body actually needs sugar and salt to survive (which, for the record, is untrue—the body needs sodium, not added salt. Oh and definitely not that much sugar that you have to eat Starbucks cookies to survive).

    Everyone thinks they know better, everyone has their insecurities, that's just how the world is.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I'm curious if this is a big change in your eating and they don't know how to feed/interact with you in this new way yet? If my dd decides she doesn't want to eat something she has always eaten it can make things challenging. Give it time. Tell them what you like to eat.

    I also wonder if during your visit you have made a lot of comments about the nutritional content of food or used words like junk to describe foods they commonly eat? Maybe they felt judged or annoyed at hearing about your new diet standards?

    What I would do is just say you are full/you don't want anything but a drink. Show them how much you love the food you are eating and refrain from making negative comments about food.
    Change the subject.
    Remind them that being young is also a time of experimentation. Trying new foods amd ways of eating is very common.
  • NadNight
    NadNight Posts: 794 Member
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    I'm curious if this is a big change in your eating and they don't know how to feed/interact with you in this new way yet? If my dd decides she doesn't want to eat something she has always eaten it can make things challenging. Give it time. Tell them what you like to eat.

    I also wonder if during your visit you have made a lot of comments about the nutritional content of food or used words like junk to describe foods they commonly eat? Maybe they felt judged or annoyed at hearing about your new diet standards?

    What I would do is just say you are full/you don't want anything but a drink. Show them how much you love the food you are eating and refrain from making negative comments about food.
    Change the subject.
    Remind them that being young is also a time of experimentation. Trying new foods amd ways of eating is very common.

    I wouldn't say it's a huge change, I've been interested in health and nutrition since I was 12 or 13, loved my fruit and veg almost as much as the sweet stuff. Since I went to uni a couple of years ago I cut down on the junk because they come in large packs (which is fine for a family of 4 but not when it's just you) and started cooking more from scratch though, using fresh produce (I didn't have much choice due to no freezer space, it was fresh or everything out of a tin). I've never been a lover of fast food or takeaways but when I'm home my mum doesn't do the cooking for everyone unless it's like a Sunday roast, we each prepare and cook our own meals.

    I admit I have made comments on those foods, my Dad is into healthy eating and he likes cycling and cooking but my Mum and brother live on crisps, white bread, ready meals and biscuits. I have told my Mum off about her eating habits before. She has no breakfast, she leaves half her lunch and rarely eats dinner, choosing to half eat pieces of bread and biscuits...it's not good for you! So I suppose my Dad and I have both made similar comments from the opposite end of the spectrum when she complains she has no energy
This discussion has been closed.

Categories