made a mistake

anmonte87x
anmonte87x Posts: 10 Member
edited November 23 in Motivation and Support
sorry this is a tad long.
i am 30 years old, Female. currently 163 as of this morning, :/ and 5'4"


I started losing weight in August. I started at 174, I felt bloated, fat, unhappy, I wouldn't wear nice clothes etc. I started working out 4-5 days a week and was trying to eat less junk food.

My now ex bf made the endearing comment that he would be more attracted t o me if i was more toned, a few weeks into my workouts etc. He tried to make it sound like his comment was innocent but ya, it def struck a cord with me. He and I stopped seeing each other about a week or 2 after this. I honestly believe the combination of self loathing and hearing his confirmation that he was no longer attracted to me and that I am "fat", triggered something in my brain.

I went on to a restrictive calorie regiment, I didn't eat junk, I exercised almost daily. I was miserable, it sucked, I did not enjoy any of it. But, I enjoyed the weight loss. At my lowest I touched 152 for a day.

I however went on a vacation, holidays hit(no i didn't binge eat crap for Christmas). However, the last month, I have been working out maybe MAYBE once a week. I have fallen back into my old habits due to depression and started binge eating (eating nothing for long periods of time followed up by ravenous hunger and eating way too much)

I am back up to 163 and I just want to die I'm so frustrated. I had been working out since the end of August and struggled greatly to lose what I did, and in a matter of less than a month I put 10 pounds back.

I feel like the only way I will ever live skinny and stay skinny is to force myself to suffer for it. I feel like I cant eat ANYTHING i enjoy, I have had to cut my calories down to 1000, or less in order to lose any weight at all, in combination with exercising hard almost daily.

I wavered in November. I spent 2-3 weeks at 156 pounds, no matter how much i worked out, how much or how little I ate. It just stayed there for weeks. I changed up my routine i made sure i was eating enough, sleeping enough, nothing worked. so i stopped, After my vacation for thanksgiving week, I came home and had not worked out that entire time. My weight had not actually gone up.

About a week after this, my weight went down to 152, it stayed there for only a day. Since then it has been steadily climbing back up, about 2 pounds a week. I have not been eating grossly large amounts but I have been depressed, i have been eating sugar, and I have been lacking sleep.

I am just curious if this happens to others. I know the answer is yes but id prefer if someone who HAS had it happened answered. This is deeply concerning to me and my first initial reaction is "I'm not eating today, and probably not tomorrow either"

TL;DR

I lost 15-20 pounds over the course of several months through methods I felt were more extreme than they should need to be. I stopped for a week, continued to lose weight. Didn't start working out again and gained half the weight back in 1/5th the time. I am frustrated and contemplating continuously starving myself to get it back.

Replies

  • ladyhusker39
    ladyhusker39 Posts: 1,406 Member
    This post makes me sad.

    I think if I felt I had to starve and suffer the rest of my life to be skinny, I'd just stay fat and be happy for however long I lived.
  • anmonte87x
    anmonte87x Posts: 10 Member
    I don't think I can live my life like this. I hate it, I hate waking up everyday and tracking my calories. I hate feeling like a B*tch on a leash every day. I spend the entire day hungry and wanting. I feel like unless i force myself to work out for an hour almost everyday plus starve myself. Then I am doomed to the same fate as my mother and thats to be like 200 pounds at 5'2". No matter what i do, my weight goes up unless i restrict my food intake to the point that all i think about is food, all day long, and refuse to go out anywhere nice for fear of gaining weight.

    I didnt eat any foods I enjoy during my time losing weight. No pasta, no bread, no junk food of any kind (other than an energy drink once a day) which was about 200 calories ( and I had to stop these too at a certain point to continue losing weight ).

    I was started at 1200 calories a day and was losing very little to no weight so i went down to 950, and started losing about a pound or 2 a week ( after the initial drop in water weight etc)
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    You seem to be some weird all or nothing cycle. It sounds like you go crazy with an overly restrictive diet and exercise, get frustrated that your body doesn't change quickly enough, give up and undo all that hard work, then go crazy again. It's a viscous cycle.

    Be more patient. Create a reasonable deficit that doesn't leave you hungry and wanting to binge. Make room for treats that you enjoy. Even if they aren't "healthy foods". A healthy diet doesn't mean 100% healthy foods. It's about balance. Balance your healthy foods with treats, balance your exercise with rest, balance your work with pleasure.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    First thing that came to my mind - exercise and food are two very different things. I have a much harder time controlling food than getting on the treadmill and watching Netflix for an hour, so I make sure I get on the treadmill so at least I have 300 extra calories to play with.

    Also, it's impossible to go from not losing to losing 1 to 2 lbs a week while just eating 250 less calories a day. You were probably not losing because you were retaining water, or your period was due, not because you were eating too much... it takes patience.

    For what it's worth, I was always convinced that I would have to starve myself to lose weight, but I entered my info on MFP and realized that I could eat 1600 calories and still lose (counting exercise). You're probably younger than me so there's no reason you can't do it too. I'm not going to lie, you'll still have to make good choices most of the time, but it's not impossible like you think.
  • anmonte87x
    anmonte87x Posts: 10 Member
    usmcmp wrote: »
    anmonte87x wrote: »
    I don't think I can live my life like this. I hate it, I hate waking up everyday and tracking my calories. I hate feeling like a B*tch on a leash every day. I spend the entire day hungry and wanting. I feel like unless i force myself to work out for an hour almost everyday plus starve myself. Then I am doomed to the same fate as my mother and thats to be like 200 pounds at 5'2". No matter what i do, my weight goes up unless i restrict my food intake to the point that all i think about is food, all day long, and refuse to go out anywhere nice for fear of gaining weight.

    I didnt eat any foods I enjoy during my time losing weight. No pasta, no bread, no junk food of any kind (other than an energy drink once a day) which was about 200 calories ( and I had to stop these too at a certain point to continue losing weight ).

    I was started at 1200 calories a day and was losing very little to no weight so i went down to 950, and started losing about a pound or 2 a week ( after the initial drop in water weight etc)

    So stop all this nonsense and just make reasonable changes.

    1. Losing little to no weight for your height and weight is normal. 1200 calories is far more appropriate to fuel your body than 950.
    2. Find exercise you enjoy, not what you think you have to do. Exercise isn't a punishment.
    3. Go seek some counseling and don't let someone else control how you feel about yourself.

    What you have been doing is the starve and binge cycle. The only way to stop that is to realize that another super restrictive diet isn't the answer. You need to find a reasonable and sustainable method, then understand it's going to take time to get to your goal.

    http://www.niashanks.com/20-tips-binge-eating/

    I spent more than the first month at 1200 calories and lost about a pound. I did not start actually losing weight reliably until i cut it further than that. furthermore i dont enjoy exercise its jsut that simple. after the military and hurting my legs ive found that it hurts to even stand for long periods of time and i do not have access to a pool. It is what it is. I have already talked to people, Its just a matter of what i want more, eat foods i like at a reasonable level? or be skinny.
  • anmonte87x
    anmonte87x Posts: 10 Member
    Maybe i did not explain myself very clearly in my initial post. Im not starving myself and then binge eating. I spent August, September, October, and half of November on a restrictive calorie diet, when i stopped losing weight for all of November I stopped dieting and just ate like a normal person. I did not binge eat however i did allow some junk back into my diet, like chocolate, pasta, and energy drinks.

    My weight went back up at a rate that is disgusting. The only person who thinks I'm disgusting that is still part of my life, is me.

    I im going ot return to the diet that worked, the on ly reason i stopped was because i was unhappy with the lack of any progress at all for such a long period of time, and then vacation where working out was more difficult.
  • anmonte87x
    anmonte87x Posts: 10 Member
    I do appreciate the input however, I will do my best to get back on track. But no, I'm not starving myself the 950 calories is counting the loss from working out etc.

    Also, for my height and weight? I'm borderline obese according to BMI charts... -_-
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    anmonte87x wrote: »
    usmcmp wrote: »
    anmonte87x wrote: »
    I don't think I can live my life like this. I hate it, I hate waking up everyday and tracking my calories. I hate feeling like a B*tch on a leash every day. I spend the entire day hungry and wanting. I feel like unless i force myself to work out for an hour almost everyday plus starve myself. Then I am doomed to the same fate as my mother and thats to be like 200 pounds at 5'2". No matter what i do, my weight goes up unless i restrict my food intake to the point that all i think about is food, all day long, and refuse to go out anywhere nice for fear of gaining weight.

    I didnt eat any foods I enjoy during my time losing weight. No pasta, no bread, no junk food of any kind (other than an energy drink once a day) which was about 200 calories ( and I had to stop these too at a certain point to continue losing weight ).

    I was started at 1200 calories a day and was losing very little to no weight so i went down to 950, and started losing about a pound or 2 a week ( after the initial drop in water weight etc)

    So stop all this nonsense and just make reasonable changes.

    1. Losing little to no weight for your height and weight is normal. 1200 calories is far more appropriate to fuel your body than 950.
    2. Find exercise you enjoy, not what you think you have to do. Exercise isn't a punishment.
    3. Go seek some counseling and don't let someone else control how you feel about yourself.

    What you have been doing is the starve and binge cycle. The only way to stop that is to realize that another super restrictive diet isn't the answer. You need to find a reasonable and sustainable method, then understand it's going to take time to get to your goal.

    http://www.niashanks.com/20-tips-binge-eating/

    I spent more than the first month at 1200 calories and lost about a pound. I did not start actually losing weight reliably until i cut it further than that. furthermore i dont enjoy exercise its jsut that simple. after the military and hurting my legs ive found that it hurts to even stand for long periods of time and i do not have access to a pool. It is what it is. I have already talked to people, Its just a matter of what i want more, eat foods i like at a reasonable level? or be skinny.

    Open your food diary. At your height and weight unless you have a medical condition you would lose more than a pound per month at 1200 calories without exercise. I'm willing to bet that you aren't being accurate with your logging. Do you weigh absolutely everything you eat? Do you eat out? There are almost always ways to tighten up your logging.

    I broke my pelvis and ankle in the Marine Corps and lifting has done wonders for improving my ability to be mobile. There are hundreds of ways to be active that count as exercise. You don't have to lift weights or go for a run or swim to exercise. Think outside the box.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,169 Member
    Well, I have a tendency to overeat when I’m depressed and can’t get good sleep. Plus I feel like cr*p. Go to your doctor. Ask about antidepressants and sleep-inducing medication. These could help you manage your self-loathing attitude, too.

    You can lose weight by eating 1200 calories a day and eating back some of the calories you’ve earned by exercising. You insist that you can’t. I believe you are underestimating how many calories you’re consuming.

    Consider trying yoga and Pilates.

    Finally, you can lose weight eating foods you enjoy. I think you know this but you believe the only way to achieve your goals is to deny yourself the things you like and subject yourself to pain and misery. My hope for you is that you eventually discover you are worth treating yourself like you’d treat your best friend.
  • nousrnameplease
    nousrnameplease Posts: 3 Member
    "I have fallen back into my old habits due to depression and started binge eating (eating nothing for long periods of time followed up by ravenous hunger and eating way too much)." This really resonated with me. I have no advice better than what has already been offered, I just wanted to thank you for sharing.
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