Lacking Family/Friend Support

bethanyweathers · August 2011

It's so hard to have family members just NOT GET IT. I mean really, yes I know it is a little more expensive to buy healthier foods compared to cheap, junk, but they are better for you in the end. I've had to start buying my own food because my grandparents keep telling me, "oh we already have that, we don't need any more." So then I have to go out and get my healthy version and then I get yelled at for taking up more space in the fridge or pantry.

And I've had to completely take over cooking, because neither my grandma nor my mom know how to cook healthily. I know my mom is enjoying the new healthy foods, but by grandparents don't. They are not used to using spices and sauces in cooking, and the only way they know how to cook something is to boil it or fry it.

And this weekend I'm spending at my dad's house, who used to be emotionally abusive about my weight when I was a teenager (we've since reconciled, but the scars are still there, hence me still struggling with my weight). He's happy I'm trying to lose weight, but he's only ever known me as overweight, so the idea of me trying to eat healthy and work out is a new concept for him. He still thinks of the sixteen year old me who would eat three plates of chinese food and then a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream for dessert. (We had that last night, but I only had one plate of chinese and no ice cream). It's really difficult to be around people who support me with the idea of losing weight but not the action of doing so.

At least one time a week lately I've just been caving in and eating whatever the rest of my family is eating. I slip back into my old habits because that's what's easier, and that's almost what is expected of me. Guilt and remorse always follow, but it never seems to stop me at that moment.

Anyone else having these kinds of problems with friends/family? If so, how are you coping? I'd love some feedback.

Latoyamary · August 2011

Awwww... Mama, I know the feeling. But, we can not change those who do not want to change. I have just continued on my journey without them. It has been easier with my MFP pals, and their shoulder to lean on, and their encouraging words. All you can do is tune them out. Obviously this is something you want and will achieve. With determination, you can prove them all wrong!!!

Rosyz · August 2011

I think you are doing a great job at recognizing your triggers and dealing with them. For most people the triggers are their family.
You are on the right track, keep it up you will amaze yourself!

flimflamfloz · August 2011

I told people that I would cook my stuff separately from them. So basically, I am buying my own stuff, and cooking it. Then they do their own thing, and they eat it. You can still eat with them, so that works for everyone.
They will make comments, once, twice, three times, etc... after 150 times they will get bored, hopefully before.

Stand by your decisions.
Support does help, but the truth is though: you're only doing this for yourself... Try to remember this.
The only time you really HAVE TO involve others is when you want to show off your newly lost weight. At this point, you start to garner some interest (how strange ;-) ) - people will then start to listen to you, not before ("how did you do that? etc").
That's just the way it is.

Most important though, just be relaxed about it all. I mean just smile when someone makes a comment/jokes about your new habits, or just say something funny (like "don't come and ask for money when I am a top model" or similar). People will usually not "accept the change" or will feel like pointing it out, so be prepared for NO support at all and some comments along the way.
Support is an added bonus and just enjoy the positive comments along the way!

IrishCloud · August 2011

Ah that is so sad not to get the support you need from your loved ones. None of my Family or Friends have big weight problems
and I believe you have to live it to understand it totally.
For me I feel that they would love to see me at a healthy size but have been listening to me every other week saying I am starting
such and such a diet. the joke goes.....so what diet is it this week?. Cant say I blame them , its a bit like the little boy who cried wolf.
Even I get tired to hear myself go on about diets and gyms, My hubby is a saint to put up with me.
We all need the right support and thats why I am here. I would love to have a gym/exercise buddy but my hubby is not into sports .
I have a friend who is about 3lbs over weight , she says she understands
but she couldn't fully.
Its time to change and if you want I will support you as best as I can . We are all on the same frame of mind to get where we should be.

RedNeckGal1970 · August 2011

Oh, I totally get what you are saying. I have 3 beautiful daughters, 2 grown and a 15 year old... My oldest really tries to support me. The middle one could take it or leave it, she is 18 and is like "whatever, can we so can't we just go to Applebees and you can have a salad or something? You can even ask for no dressing." Now my hubby and my youngest who are here with me everyday see how hard I have worked to change my eating and my healthier lifestyle... but the support I get from them is, "you look fine" and then they bring home cookies and cakes, ice cream, pizza and KFC. Or they ask me to my my famous southern Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy...

Others unless they want to change their own lifestyle just don't get it, and therefore show little to no support. That's why when my oldest daughter told me about this site, I jumped right on board! There are plenty of folks here that will give you the support you need. As far as Gramma and Grampa and your mom go, I know it's tough they are set in their ways and unless they decide they want to change, just don't expect much. You take care of you! Often I have to eat separately from my family. I make or take what I'm going to eat into another room and try not to smell what they are eating. When I cook their dinner, I try to have already eaten so I'm not tempted to cheat. Logging every single thing that goes in my mouth helps me out a lot. I also hung a pair of my fattest pants on my bedroom wall right next to a pair of jeans that I haven't fit into for about 6 years. I have a picture of a 600 pound woman on my fridge right next to a picture of me about 10 years ago... you do what you gotta go to keep yourself encouraged and on track. Sadly, some times you are your only support, so be the best support to yourself you can be. Above all, hope that as your family sees you feeling and looking better that they will decide to join you.

I wish you all the best. Don't feel too alone, there's a lot of us out here in pretty similar situations!

azsuzi · August 2011

I understand completely! My mom either says "I notice you're getting chubby. I hope you don't turn our like the rest of us" (I'm the smallest one in my family). Or when I start losing a little weight, she says "If you keep this up, you'll blow away in the wind!" She doesn't know how to be supportive in a positive way. My older sister gets jealous of me when I lose weight and feels like I'm bragging. All of the emotional turmoil can really sabotage a diet. It helps this time that I've moved across the country from them.

My husband on the other hand has literally told me that if I loved him, I would lose the weight. He doesn't understand that its not all about him! And when I do try to watch what I eat, he doesn't do anything to support me. He cooks fried meals, or meals with gravies and sauces. He would heap rice on my plate and forget to include any veggies. He leaves the chips sitting open on the counter (even though I've told him its too much of a temptation) to greet me when I get home from work.

This time around, I started making changes on my own. I would eat what my husband cooked, but I would literally use a measuring cup to make sure I was only eating a serving - or even just half a serving. If he heaped rice on my plate, I would take it back off and measure out a serving. I've been doing this for 6 months and he's finally started catching on. Now he's been put on a very restrictive diet, and I get to say "I've been telling you to do that!"

The support I've found on MFP has helped tremendously. So many people don't know how to be emotionally supportive - family, friends, spouses... But here, everyone knows what I'm going through and it really helps to have all the positive encouragement.

Hang in there! Just do what you can - and remember, you are worth it! This is more that just a weight loss journey - it is a journey of emotional healing too. *HUGS* :flowerforyou:

bethanyweathers · August 2011

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. This is why I love MFP--you guys actually understand what I'm struggling with. I know I can do it, and I don't care how long it takes-- I WILL meet my goal weight.

Lacking Family/Friend Support

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