Two Things That I Am VERY Stressed About

tifanietiberio
tifanietiberio Posts: 76 Member
edited September 30 in Motivation and Support
I feel like I now live on this Motivation and Support board, particularly on the weekends when I don't have much to distract me from boredom eating.

Here are my two questions/issues:

1. Is anyone going through a situation where what you are losing now is weight from a really big weight gain and your accomplishments don't feel as exciting as they could?

For example, I am beyond excited, proud, etc about losing 40lbs- that's a lot (to me) and it has profoundly changed my life. I have never tried to actually lose weight before and had any success of more than water weight. Yes, I lost 10lbs after I got my wisdom teeth out and ate yogurt for 2 weeks straight. Yes, I lost weight when I had mono and ate nothing for like 3 weeks. Yes, I lost weight when I started a job several years ago and was constantly running around at events, etc. But all of that weight loss went away after a month or two and I certainly wasn't trying those times. But now I am trying and actually losing because I am actually being disciplined and very, very committed to this lifestyle. And every time I wonder how long I can keep doing this, I get on the scale and even if its only a few pounds, my motivation comes back. However, one of the things that gets me bummed is that all of this loss is just fixing the huge amount of damage that I did to myself over the past couple of years. Case in point, my very best friend who I went to college with, moved back to Philly maybe 5 yrs ago. She just moved back a couple of months ago. She did see me at the beginning of this so she knows the difference from then. But all told, now I just look like I did the last time she visited a couple of years ago. And in the past year, since I had been laid off and was so miserable about how I looked and felt, I just didn't go anywhere or interact with anyone. So, it kind feels a little disappointing because it isn't like I am 40lbs smaller than what most people remember me as. It's like I look exactly the same because all this has just been damage control. And it frustrates me because now that I am pretty much back to the "slightly overweight, but not like morbidly obese" way I usually look, I wonder can I keep this up. All this hard work and really all I can show for it is I can almost fit into my usual clothes, it isn't like I get to go out and buy bikinis or anything. And I feel like, as usual, I will never make it there. I know this is all in my head. I know that the weight I put on was real and no matter who saw it or didn't see it, it was there and it had to go. And I am doing this for me, and not for others, but I feel like 40lbs is something to share with friends, etc but sometimes I feel like they may be thinking 'um, you look how you did when i saw you last" Is anyone else feeling like this- like you did so much, but not nearly enough?

2. Are you embarrassed when you say how much you lost bc it indicates how big you must have been before?

The other thing that I am stressing over is that now that I am doing something that is really tough for me and I am working hard at it, I can't help but brag about it. Also,besides my new job, this dieting thing is about all I have happening. Now, don't get too upset for me- I really don't want anything else to be going on. I know myself well enough finally to know that I can only successfully deal with so much in my life before I get overwhelmed and then just shut down. So really, I am focused on these 2 big life changes and that is all I can really do right now. And I am more than happy with that. Anyway, at first, it was exciting to be like "omg i lost 5 lbs- 10lbs- 15lbs" The other day my director said to me (she knows I am dieting) "From the time we interviewed you like a month ago to now, is amazing. How much have you lost now- bc it looks like at least 15lbs since I met you" So after blushing profusely, welling up, etc I said "Actually I am at 40lbs since June 2" and of course she was like wow, tell me more about this MFP app, etc. But later in the day I thought- I am going to (hopefully) get to a point where my starting weight is going to be painfully obvious when you do the math. If I can get to a point where I can lose the 80lbs I want to lose, I obviously didn't start at 190lbs. and I know it shouldn't matter because yeah, I was x amount of lbs and now I am not- but for me- it's still embarrassing. Face it, weight discrimination is still very acceptable and people don't get it. Most people aren't like "Yay! My BMI is 46! Awesome- let me reward myself with a 3x teeshirt!" so when people judge you, it hurts (it does me anyway). So, I fear that when it becomes obvious where I was people may think that I will go back there or could go back there very easily. And honestly, that could very well be the case. I mean, what happens when (and god forbid i can't even begin to think about this but for the purposes of this discussion i will elaborate) my dog passes away. he's only about 8, so it most likely won't be soon, but he is my life and when my dreams of him living forever don't happen, I will be a trainwreck. I would like to hope I could find a way to deal with the soul-crushing pain in a healthy way, but after 32yrs, I can say with a lot of certainty that there odds are I will fill the hole in my heart with food. So back to the original point, it wouldn't take a lot when that happens for my weight to skyrocket. So I worry that when I say "i lost x amount of lbs" after a while people are gonna be like, wow, you must have really been gross and judge me. Sooooo- my question- is anyone else feeling that little bit of embarrassment mixed in with their pride, joy and excitement when you lose a significant amount of weight?

Sorry, for another long post. If you haven't picked up on it, I am a writer and I like to communicate. And like I said, it's the weekend and I am just chillin on the couch with my dog and feel like "talking" to my MFP friends helps when I get stressed and feel like I need someone to commiserate with.

Thanks for listening and please let me know if anyone is dealing with these emotions!

Replies

  • LeeLynnP
    LeeLynnP Posts: 116 Member
    You need to take a good long look in the morror girlie! You are BEAUTIFUL! No need for those stresses. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you too will see what I see.
  • IMYarnCraz33
    IMYarnCraz33 Posts: 1,016 Member
    yep i'm in that boat.
    i have 200+ to lose.
    i'm embarrassed to admit what I've done to myself and
    get kinda mad at myself when i don't lose a lot BUT
    i have to remember I didn't put the weight on in one day
    so i can't lose it all in 1 day.
    On the other hand I've had times where I've been surprised at the amount
    that i have lost in a weeks time.
  • CharlieBarleyMom
    CharlieBarleyMom Posts: 727 Member
    Yes. and Yes.

    1. I have lost 30.5 pounds now and I am constantly thinking "what happened in the past 3 years that I put that much weight on?" Because I was about 10 pounds thinner yet when I started the job I am in right now, April 2008. But, I feel better about myself. The last time I lost weight I did it myself following the WW Points program (the old one)... and I was hardly consistent and only exercised every other night or so by walking for 1 mile around my work's business park during my "lunch" (I work 3-11pm).

    2. Only to really skinny people... and men that I'm attracted to. My best friend - hell, she knows how much I weigh, how I gained it, what's helping me lose it, she cheers me on, I send her pictures of food I've prepared... and those people at work, well, I guess it bothers me with them because I'm just now getting back to the size I was when I started (which was still way overweight) and if I hadn't lost all control I would be there PLUS lower right now... but, I did, I'm not, and I'm still working on it.

    I understand about living on these Message boards... but maybe you can find a tennis game, or walk the dog, or walk someone else's dog, or mow the lawn, or ride your bike or make your lunch for the next week's work days... sitting in front of the computer isn't very healthy either.

    Get up and walk around the inside of the house every 20 minutes... then come back to MFP ... do something for yourself!
  • Skepti_Kal_1
    Skepti_Kal_1 Posts: 16 Member
    I know exactly how you feel. I am desperatel trying to re-lose 110 pounds I lost once before. It is very frustrating and sometimes embarrassing to me, but I just try to keep moving forward and consider each accomplishment on its own, not in the larger context.
  • EmBlazes
    EmBlazes Posts: 374 Member
    Fantastic post. I'm sure you will find that lots of people feel the same way and have similar challenges. On your first point about the fact that you have lost 40lbs but you don't feel like people notice and you have a long way to go - there is more to life than a number on a scale :happy: Try to think of all the other stuff you have achieved in that time (some of which you have mentioned below like getting a new job etc.). Try to make your goals smaller and don't always weigh yourself down (so to speak!) with the big picture (again sorry - bad pun). I have a LOT of weight to lose as well (I'm at 104kg and I want to be around 70kg - sorry not sure what that is in American money). I was around 117kg at my heaviest and I'm sure as hell glad I'm not still that heavy but like you - I feel like people still see the slightly "well built" "chunky" girl that I still associate with being my heaviest. I'm a helluva lot fitter than I was this time last year (thanks to a personal trainer and really slogging it out in the gym). I'm trying to focus on my fitness at the moment and that really seems to help. I found wearing a heart-rate monitor it really spurred me on to monitor a different number :bigsmile:

    On your second point about how people perceive overweight (or obese) people. This is still a problem in lots of areas of my life but I'm convinced that mostly it's my own fears and insecurities that hold me back. I've learnt to ignore people who look at me funny in the gym. At work it's a bit different and I'm sure there is lots of underhanded ways that overweight people are discriminated against. Fortunately that hasn't been a problem for me in my current role but it's definitely happened to me before. In some ways I felt I had to work twice as hard as everyone else to get the same recognition. Probably not entirely true but that's how it sometimes felt.

    Anyway - thanks again for reminding everyone what a struggle in can sometimes be and don't forget to celebrate how far you have come :smile:
  • ohpurdysure
    ohpurdysure Posts: 45
    Maybe they say you look the same because they are jealous.. u cant look the same after 40 lbs... and so what if you did.. you lost it.. you did no one else did.. you jus get back up and keep your head up and KEEP GOING.. its GREAT....
  • juliekin
    juliekin Posts: 139 Member
    You worry way too much about what people think. Their minds are like, "Wow! She looks better." Most people (except yourself and fellow dieters) don't take the next step of, "Wow, she must have weighed...". Really. They don't think it through that long. Life is too short to worry like you are. Think about where you would be if you HADN'T lost the weight at this point, not that you had gained it. But do remember how you feel about having put it on in the past. I keep a picture of myself up when I was about 60 pounds heavier than today to remind myself that I'm not going back there. Don't let your insecurities stop you from enjoying life, exercising and loving yourself, no matter your weight. I love myself, but not the extra weight.
    And you need to find a support system. I have a sibling and a few friends and some on MFP that help for day to day support.
    You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • mghane
    mghane Posts: 109 Member
    First off, you're beautiful and have come a VERY long way. The most important thing to remember, under both circumstances is that you started this journey to become healthier and more comfortable in your own skin...not for anyone else, not for friends that haven't seen you in years, but for yourself!!! You should be proud to say that you've lost say, 40 lbs, or 60 lbs, or even 100 lbs, because it means that you care about yourself, respect yourself, and made a move in the right direction to live longer and more comfortably. I have friends that have lost a HUGE amount of weight before I even met them, and when I found out I didn't look at them and say, "wow you were huge", I look at them and say, that's friggen awesome... that's real motivation--to lose the weight, keep it off, and brag about it. Make it your goal to get into HEALTHY bmi, and not just borderline healthy... REALLY healthy. Don't worry about what people say (but know that they WILL notice--in your attitude, in your smile, and in the fact that you can do more and live longer, and obviously in your physical appearance.)

    I personally don't have to lose a huge amount of weight, (43 lbs total... a little over half way there), so my weightloss isn't even that noticeable to anyone, but I get so excited when I do my own measurements, watch the scale go down, or fit better into clothes or when I first hit healthy BMI...and occasionally when someone does notice, that's just an EXTRA boost, not the main reason why I'm doing this! The main reason is MEE ME ME! (Yes selfish, but true!)

    We're always here for support and hope that helps!
  • Choirgirl37
    Choirgirl37 Posts: 255
    I can understand where you are coming from. I am losing the same weight once again! I did a c25k about 5 years ago, lost 53 lbs only to gain it back. My big excuse was that my support group fell apart, was tired of the WW meetings and exhausted by the weekly fees.

    I'm happy for myself because I'm taking action now. I'm getting my energy back and I've moved past the -one day I'm going to do something to change this- mentality. I too have had to remind myself that for every pound I lose, it represents hard work, accompllshement, and one step closer to being the size I'm most comfortable with. These things excite me -not to mention that my energy level is constantly rising and all of the other NSV's.

    Yet, I understand you. What I'm most annoyed by is the constant attention. My husband is always saying to people, "See how much weight she has lost?!"

    I don't appreciate that type of attention because I'm not happy with myself for gaining the weight in the first place. I'm a positive person though -so I find a way to move pass it by reminding myself not to sweat the small stuff, just let it roll off your back.

    Losing weight requires a pyscological adjustment which is what you and I are going through. My guess is that this adjustment will continue into the maintenance phase. I believe this to be healthy since we don't want to forget nor repeat the mistakes we made before that go us in this situation in the first place.
  • MisterDubs303
    MisterDubs303 Posts: 1,216 Member
    Regarding Issue #2:
    "I worry that when I say "i lost x amount of lbs" after a while people are gonna be like, wow, you must have really been gross and judge me."

    They might judge you, but there are a few things that matter here: 1) their judgement is their issue, and not on you. 2) You probably judged yourself at that weight. Some of us did, and it resulted in a lack of confidence, low self-esteem, etc. So what's the difference between us judging ourselves and others judging us. 3) You are NOT at the weight/fitness level that is being judged anymore. You've adjusted, corrected, and grown in several ways. Judgement about how you used to be is irrelevant and outdated. 4) Screw them.

    As for the dog thing, I totally get this. My dog is 11.5, just went deaf, slowing down, and I've already been grieving the day he will pass for about a year (when I started seeing his legs give out on the linoleum once in a while). I'm totally attached. But, knowing is half the battle, as they say. I think we have time to prepare, and we have all the tools necessary to transition gracefully. Find other things besides food for comfort and fulfillment well ahead of time (we should already be doing this anyway, right?). Find some healthy replacement for food, that is used especially for pain, grief, or other bummed out times and use this any time you are facing something negative. Then, when the big day happens, you've already got your go to behavior that isn't as destructive as indulgent comfort eating. Hopefully, you've got several years to develop and practice new habits and behaviors before that day comes.
  • Shalimarmandy
    Shalimarmandy Posts: 409 Member
    I complete get what you are saying! Last summer I lost 30 pounds but then I gained back 40. The problem was I lost it the wrong way (HCG Diet) and the entire new wardrobe I bought myself last August no longer fit me in October. This summer I have been doing it the right way and i have lost 25 pounds and I can almost fit into those clothes I bought a year ago which is to say I can actually button and zip the pants though they are too tight to wear comfortably... YET!

    It is embaressing especially when you talk to someone who hasn't seen you in a while BUT I had to get over it. It's not like I don't have tons more to go ;)

    You know you are doing the right thing and you are going to have to stop worrying about what other people think - I have the same problem but I actually connected MFP to Facebook and that is keeping me honest and getting over the embaressment and not one person has said to me anything negative...

    Keep up head up and good luck!


    Ps. I had to comment especially after I saw your pup! I have a boy who looks just like that!
  • tifanietiberio
    tifanietiberio Posts: 76 Member
    Thanks everyone for your replies. Your take on this is very compelling and helpful for sorting out my own thoughts.

    I wanted to clarify a couple of things:

    1. I am insanely anxious about most things in life. It's ok, it's who I am. That's why I'm a marketing strategist. I always try to envision all possible scenarios and how I will deal with them. It's usually why I am make myself completely crazy about things that aren't necessarily going to happen. But, c'est la vie.

    2. My friends definitely aren't judging me. They are excited (minus two haters) and proud. I am more concerned with people who I will meet. Specifically, guys that I may be interested in dating. I am sure this goes back to dating a certain type in the past- the ones who know you are insecure about your looks and use that to hurt you. Which is why I am not only on a food diet, but a "dude diet". There will be no boys until after January 1. That's the edict. I really just didn't want you all to think that my friends sucked- they don't, they are wonderful!

    3. I know what I have already done is awesome. I just sometimes feel like I am not doing enough. And that is more my own deep-seeded insecurities, but it does stress me out. And, in case you haven't noticed, I thrive on "atta-girls"- so the fact that I know I did something so big, but it isn't necessarily that impressive (looking) to the outside world sometimes makes me a little sad.

    4. I don't plan to spend every weekend for the rest of eternity sitting inside at the computer, I am just still getting adjusted to my new job schedule and stuff and also it is so hot and humid, going outside just makes me and my dog miserable at the moment. I will feel better as we head into fall and I we will be hitting the trails at the giant park that is like across the street.

    5. Yes, I have that much of an unhealthy attachment to my dog. I do not care. I rescued him 6 years ago, and well, he is my life. And like I said, I hope I can figure out some coping skills because I will be a hot mess without him. And if that makes me a complete weirdo, then oh well, I'll be that! :)

    And most important:
    YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO GREAT AND I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR LISTENING AND OFFERING YOUR KIND WORDS!
  • dmartinezjr
    dmartinezjr Posts: 16
    Agreed, I ballooned to 305lbs these recent years. biggest of my entire life. I lose the weight and never feel like it's enough. I dream often about how I would look being 185 again :D

    And the only thing that I can say is that all I try to focus on, is my desire to be 185 again. And while my nutrition has improved (significantly), I still lack the motivation to start excercising routinely, hence the 'don't take off my shirt' (even alone) complex. lol. I want to be 185 again.

    Posting my weight loss, despite it's small progress, hasn't been that tough on this site. People are beyond supportive and react positively. I can't help but to feel that most people here are sincere. I respect your sincerity and I definitely wish I could be as expressive as you. :D

    I'm sorry you're having a tough time, I hope it passes on by. I try to ride them the best I can. If you look at my diary, you will notice I have ice cream daily. I call it my 'reward' - it's me zoning out while walking. I eat my ice cream and walk at the same time. Maybe it's weakness, or hey we can call it progress :D.

    Take care Tif. I'll be thinking about you. :)
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