Being Vulnerable

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SuzieA1991
SuzieA1991 Posts: 46 Member
in Getting Started
I am at no means new to the myfitnesspal scene nor am I just getting started, but I am starting new AGAIN, but this time with a new mind set and a new way to approach thing. I encourage anyone who is going through any of the stuff that I am to please feel free to comment, vent, or even just friend me and I will do the same.

Feeling vulnerable in any area of my life has been a very trying thing for me. From when I was very young it was hard to express emotion as freely as others because of how I was raised and even now with past issues that I have gone through (more on specific instances later) I just feel the best thing to do in life is to keep those feelings in. And I believe that that is where a lot of my issues have stemmed from.

I began my horrid cycle of dieting on and off when I was 20 years old (27 now…well on Feb 19th) after me and my husband got a divorce (I know, young to get a divorce). I knew a couple of weeks after being married that he wasn’t the man that I thought I was marrying. He change drastically after we got married and got our own place. I dealt with the mental abuse, the trust issues, controlling characteristics, and I decided after seeing no change that I didn’t want to live my life unhappy.

Even now, 7 years after my divorce, I have yet to find my happiness. I don’t want this post to seem like I’m being a Debbie Downer, but I believe that every aspect of your life affects the other. If you are absolutely miserable with your job you work at every day, then you’re going to be unhappy at home (especially if your home life isn’t any better). If you are unhappy with your home life, then it’s going to affect your schooling, eating, etc.

I have an eating disorder. I know a lot of people think that eating disorders are mainly anorexia or bulimia, but Binge-eating is also an eating disorder. I believe that it is one of the most overlooked ones because I have just now, 7 years later, come to terms that I have it. Eating was/is always my go to comfort. When I get mad or sad, I eat. When I wake up randomly in the middle of the night and there is ice cream in the freezer, I eat Ice cream while everyone else is asleep. Food is my therapist. Food is my best friend. Food I there for me when no one else is. Ill begin a diet, lose 10 pounds, want a cheat day and then the moment I see that scale go back up, I go on an all-day eating binge. I can sit and eat a whole pizza to myself in one sitting depending on how “hungry” I am. It’s embarrassing, but it’s the hard truth.

Even as I sit here, finishing up my first post to all of you who are reading, I reflect back on my day today. I had a horrible day at work; probably one of the worst days I have had the whole 6 years that I have been working there and the two things I instantly did was: get a pack of cigarettes (big no no) and got a very bad fast food meal. BUT I will say that I am proud of myself because instead of throwing away the whole day like I used to do when I ate something bad, I logged the food and had some special K cereal.

My focus for this year is to remove all the negative things from my life. Remove all the things that I have been unhappy with for several years and start focusing on myself.

I will end my post here for now because I could seriously rant on about things. Please add me if you would like, as I plan to post more on my myfitness pal blog. :)

Replies

  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,578 Member
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    Hi there
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    SuzieA1991 wrote: »
    ...I began my horrid cycle of dieting on and off when I was 20 years old (27 now…well on Feb 19th) after me and my husband got a divorce (I know, young to get a divorce). I knew a couple of weeks after being married that he wasn’t the man that I thought I was marrying. He change drastically after we got married and got our own place. I dealt with the mental abuse, the trust issues, controlling characteristics, and I decided after seeing no change that I didn’t want to live my life unhappy...

    I think it was very smart of you to figure this out early and correct it right away, instead of lingering in a bad marriage, and making things worse for yourself. This is something I think you should feel good about - look at it as a learning experience. It was clearly a mistake, but you were able to fix it. <3
  • GlorianasTears
    GlorianasTears Posts: 212 Member
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    Omg i can relate a bit i dont like being vulnerable either and i dealt with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia in the past . You seem to need a lot of healing in different areas of your life but be encouraged because step by step and with time things can get a whole lot better as long as you stay consistent towards your goal even when you mess up. And you start truly loving yourself irregardless of your circumstances or how people treat you <3 You got this sis keep fighting!
  • theabsentmindednurse
    theabsentmindednurse Posts: 404 Member
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    Hello Suzie. :)
    What courage that has taken you lovely.
    As a woman who has binged since childhood, I get it.
    You are strong, courageous and beautiful.
    What a wonderful new world that lay ahead for you.
    You have taken a massive big step.
    You CAN and you WILL do this.
    This is so much more than a weight loss journey.
    It is a road of self discovery, healing, change and growth.
    I have sent you a friend request love.
    I am happy to support along this road and will be cheering loudly when you cross the finishing line.
  • Frankie_Fan
    Frankie_Fan Posts: 562 Member
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    Sent you a friend request. :)
  • kommodevaran
    kommodevaran Posts: 17,890 Member
    edited January 2018
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    The way I read it, you're not describing binge eating, but comfort eating, compulsive overeating and secret eating. Then you try to fix it with going on a diet, then you cheat (because you're not "allowed" anything nice on a diet), stop the diet, and regain. Maybe it's helpful to understand that most of us are capable of eating way more than we need from day to day, especially if the food is very tasty, easily available, heavily marketed, cheap, calorie dense, nutritionally poor, and easy to chew, and eating whatever whenever, in unlimited amounts, isn't just considered normal, but an entitlement, and entertainment. It's not embarrassing, it's human nature. It's only exerbarated enough to cause a problem when you add in shame, guilt and feeling out of control.

    To get out of it, you have to redefine a lot. If you think that thinking that food is your best friend and a good therapist, is okay, you'll struggle. You'll also have to understand the importance of dosage and frequency, and that no foods are in themselves good or bad.

    MFP can be a great help, both the community and the food diary. I have personally, finally, after more than 20 years of struggling with my weight, a good relationship with food, and that makes it quite easy to maintain a healthy weight.
  • SuzieA1991
    SuzieA1991 Posts: 46 Member
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    @jenilla1 Thank you so much for thinking that! I struggled a long time after the divorce with a bunch of judgment from other people as well as my family for already be divorced so young.

    @GlorianasTears Thank you for the words of encouragement! It means a lot. There are definitely a lot of areas in my life that I need to fix. It's going to be a hard process but I know I'll come out the other end.

    @theabsentmindednurse Thank you so much for the add and for offering your support :)

  • wryone4
    wryone4 Posts: 118 Member
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    Good for you for opening up - it take courage. You have the strength to do this. My advice is to try your best to focus on what you need, and what you think of yourself. Every day, ask yourself what you can do to make your choices in your best interest. It will add up. Good luck as you continue on this journey - and keep opening up!
  • suziecrn
    suziecrn Posts: 2 Member
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    never let you past define your future. it took courage to post your thought and feelings. so be proud of you. I'm in my 60's and it has taken me this long to learn that I can't diet but need to live it. Don't remember where I heard that but it's true. I eat my feelings all my life but even as I near my golden years, its not too late. So look how wonderful it is that you recognize it so young and are working on positive change! This old nurse will keep you in her thoughts and prayers.
  • thapainmaka
    thapainmaka Posts: 105 Member
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    I tried being vulnerable once...worst experience of my life....Not being sarcastic either, I'll keep my emotions in my bottle.

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