Cosmetic Surgery and Intimacy. Things I didn’t know before I lost weight.

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kazie1206
kazie1206 Posts: 21 Member
in Motivation and Support
So over many years I have been able to drop about 125-145lbs. I will say that I look and feel the best I have in my entire life (including my teenage years). I have always been a big girl. Even in 5th grade, I remember going on a diet to lose weight. Anywho, from 2011 to now (with a pregnancy in between) I lost a lot. However, what I feel I look like with my clothes on and what I feel I look like with my clothes off are two entirely different things. This is even more devastating because I am a divorced woman who dates. Before I lost the weight and I would meet a guy, I might be nervous before they see me because I was scared I was too fat, but usually once I felt they were attracted to me, that nervousness never followed into the bedroom because they could tell what they were getting into. Now it is the complete opposite. I am never nervous before a first date and I feel like I am pretty good looking and a catch, but when the time comes after a while of dating, I get severe anxiety that they will feel like I was a bait and switch situation. With my clothes on, I appear to have a flat tummy, and thank goodness for the invention of the wonder push up bra, I appear to be a normal girl my size that will have a tight bod…. So I assume that is what guys’ picture in their ever visual brains before I drop the bomb on them that it might not be what they imagined. Now I am not a girl that sleeps around, and I wait even longer now then most due to my anxiety because I want to make sure the guy is really into me and can overlook that MAJOR thing. (I always imagine they will run screaming “WHAT THE HELL IS HANGING OFF YOUR BODY” or something stupid like that haha!) So I have only been with 3 guys after my weight loss. I will sometimes prepare them ahead of time and say I am a little insecure about my tummy and chest and blame ALOT on being pregnant and how it just didn't snap back (which is mostly a load of crap, I was much bigger before I was pregnant). So far, those 3 guys have tried to re-assure me that “It’s not as bad as you think it is”, “most women your age *cough cough* have similar issues” and finally “I still think your beautiful regardless.” But then it’s more than just the first sight of me without clothes, it’s also effecting during those intimate times too. Wanting the lights off ALWAYS off, or not wanting to do certain things because my sagginess get more pronounced, and just worrying the entire time that any minute he’s going to realize that this is totally unattractive and be turned way off. Which I know is more of a turn off for the guy than me just owning it, and I don't know, actually ENJOYING it. This is NEVER something I experienced when I was larger. I just owned my big girlness and if I was with a partner, he knew I was a big girl and really, my body didn’t sag much when it was filled up with poundage. SO how am I more subconscious now when I am getting down then I was when I was pushing 300? SMH! So I have recently been considering a tummy tuck and a lift. Part of me is like, DUDE, you have worked so hard getting yourself where you want to be to be this unhappy with your results and to be so subconscious when trying to be intimate with your partner!

Anyone else feel like this or have had the surgery? Yay or Nay? Was it worth it? Its very expensive so I kind of wanted to get some input for people how have done it. Would you have done it again?

Replies

  • boehle
    boehle Posts: 5,062 Member
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    I have lost between 80-100 lbs at one time
    I am just fine with my clothes on, its the time without them.
    My ex always wanted the lights on and I never felt comfortable with it.
    We compromised and had some candles in the bedroom during that time.
  • jennybearlv
    jennybearlv Posts: 1,519 Member
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    You are overthinking this. Dudes are always happy to get a lady naked. They don't care if you look like a supermodel. Many women who have never been heavy are going to look a bit saggy here and there from having kids or just plain gravity. It's really not a big deal. Try out confidence for a change. It sounds like you had it when you were heavy and things went great.
  • ServusChristi
    ServusChristi Posts: 98 Member
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    This is a concern for me, too, as a man. I'm aiming for hypertrophy with my weight lifting in an attempt to fill some things back in, like my upper arms. But I know what's in store for me -- for us -- and it's less than encouraging.

    But I know if the roles were reversed, I would be turned on more by my partner just owning it and getting happy than being self-conscious and distracted. Vulnerability is incredibly intimate and a big turn-on for me.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    I am still losing. I can tell I will have lots of loose skin. This is a huge concern of mine.
  • kazie1206
    kazie1206 Posts: 21 Member
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    I get that guys are just happy "getting it" and all that lovely stuff and I try and be confident and own it, but I get distracted so easily. I will be in the moment and then look down and my mind goes, "OMG that is not how I imagined me looking like when I'm doing that!" and I get super subconscious and I know it shows, which I again I know is more of a turn off than my loose skin. BUT I can't help it. I know it has to do a lot with my confidence levels. That is one of the reason I am thinking that the surgery will help me feel the sexy girl I am with my clothes on when my clothes are off.
  • kazie1206
    kazie1206 Posts: 21 Member
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    DanniB423 wrote: »
    I am still losing. I can tell I will have lots of loose skin. This is a huge concern of mine.

    Well I totally feel ya girl. If I could do things over, I would have lost a little slower and drank ALOT more water. I think that would have help me during my main quicker pace of my loss.
  • jodi201022
    jodi201022 Posts: 10 Member
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    I had a full tummy tuck , my belly was really saggy but unfortunately I got cancer An they reconstructed my boobs with my belly ( massive silver lining as I despised my belly but ) now my belly is like it was before the kids - I’m gunna pre warn you tho it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life I would do it all again for definitely it’s changed my confidence 10fold but it hurts like you have never experienced before lol but I’d say go for it if u can xxx
  • radbikerchick
    radbikerchick Posts: 39 Member
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    I lost a lot (350 ish to 190-200 at almost 6 foot) and definitely have the stretch marks and sags to go along with it, though some unexpected perkiness as well in places. When I am having a bad day it gets to me but as far as being with guys the only person who has ever said anything was awkward nerdy guy who was somewhat lacking in class and even in that case, he really just noted that he had noticed... what people say about enjoying yourself is true, guys won’t care or say much even if they notice I don’t think. And I figure that I have enough good judgement about people’s characters not to get with someone who is mean spirited or shallow in the first place, which would save me from the guy who just runs out the door or insults me. And if that did happen I am sure I would be upset, but I would get over it and figure they were a jerk and I guess it was a good filter.

    Also I have not yet gotten to the point financially where I can’t think of better things to spend thousands of dollars on yet... if I were rich maybe I would get the surgery.

    Up to you but I bet you can swing it either way. Be happy, be free.
  • jodi201022
    jodi201022 Posts: 10 Member
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  • jodi201022
    jodi201022 Posts: 10 Member
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  • kazie1206
    kazie1206 Posts: 21 Member
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    jennybearlv wrote: »
    I don't know if surgery will help or not. Instead of loose skin you will have scars. Will you be self conscious about that? You should definitely do your research on the recovery process and expense involved. Skin removal is not an easy surgery.

    Have you been to a therapist since you lost weight? It's a big change to go through a major weight loss and a professional could help you with the adjustment.

    I don't think that the scar would personally bother me as much as the saggy skin. The scar is pretty easily hidden under underwear or bathing suits. So therefore, I could still rock a two piece and everything else. Plus I have a scar already from a C section and it doesn't make me feel weird in the least. And yes I know its a much bigger scar.

    I don't think its necessary for me to see a therapist because I am considering something to make me more attractive and have more self confidence. That would be the same thing as someone needing to see a therapist because they lack self confidence because they are overweight and they are thinking if they lost weight they'd be more confident and more attractive. And trust me, I thought that before I lost and I am more confident and I feel more attractive unless I'm doing something that makes my sag skin hang out. Its the same thing, except I lost the weight and put in the work but I have "weight" as in hanging skin that no matter how I eat or how I exercise I will not be able to lose. No creams, not scrubs, nor diet and exercise will help that. And yes, that makes me sad because I do want to wear two pieces, I do want to wear a mid-drift, I do want to wear those sexy night gowns. And I have worked my butt off (literally my butt is half its original size) to be able to do that, yet now I have a different problem which prohibits me from showing off all my hard work.
  • kazie1206
    kazie1206 Posts: 21 Member
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    jodi201022 wrote: »
    I had a full tummy tuck , my belly was really saggy but unfortunately I got cancer An they reconstructed my boobs with my belly ( massive silver lining as I despised my belly but ) now my belly is like it was before the kids - I’m gunna pre warn you tho it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life I would do it all again for definitely it’s changed my confidence 10fold but it hurts like you have never experienced before lol but I’d say go for it if u can xxx

    I am so sorry to hear you got cancer! I hope you are in remission and doing great! You look great!
    I have kind of heard a lot of people say that the pain is TERRIBLE. Kinda nervous about that one. How long were you in severe pain? Any tips on making that process better? When did you have yours done?
  • jodi201022
    jodi201022 Posts: 10 Member
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    I’m all good now thanks in remission yes luckily, jus gotta lose the weight from the hormone treatments an steroids they gave me in chemo
  • jodi201022
    jodi201022 Posts: 10 Member
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    Just seen u had a c-sec I had 2 with my kids the recovery time is very similar an the pain is the same pain but worse because of the size if that makes sense , but obviously they don’t cut through muscle an stuff with a tummy tuck so actually if you dealt well with the c-sec I’m sure u will be fine xxx
  • kazie1206
    kazie1206 Posts: 21 Member
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    jodi201022 wrote: »
    Just seen u had a c-sec I had 2 with my kids the recovery time is very similar an the pain is the same pain but worse because of the size if that makes sense , but obviously they don’t cut through muscle an stuff with a tummy tuck so actually if you dealt well with the c-sec I’m sure u will be fine xxx

    First off, so glad to know remission! You have gone through so much at such a young age! Glad to see you are doing what will get u back to that health and happy place! I know how rough steroid and hormone treatments can be on the body.

    Glad to know it’s similar recovery time because although it wasn’t the most pleasant feeling (like AT ALL), I lived haha, and still managed to take car of a newborn hehe. So that is good news.
  • hroderick
    hroderick Posts: 756 Member
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    Just leave the insecurities and inhibitions and expectations at the door and live fully in the moment. If a man's top priority is Barbie bod then he's probably a porn addict and not a keeper. Visit a nudist resort to raise your opinion of your shape.
  • melissa6771
    melissa6771 Posts: 894 Member
    edited January 2018
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    @kazie1206

    I lost a lot years ago and had a regular horizontal tummy tuck/outer thigh lift. It was good for many years but then I regained the weight. On top every gaining and losing, my upper part of my abdomen was never really good because it was a horizontal one, and horizontal scars tend to fall more. Now that I have lost 85 pounds again I had more surgery. I had a vertical Tummy tuck (breast bone to Pubic bone) and arm lift in July. The vertical one took care of both my upper and lower tummy. Even with having both surgeries at once, I went back to work in a week and a half and I'm a hairdresser.
    I wouldn't even think twice about doing it again. My tummy looks amazing. The scars fade with time and you won't even hardly see them. The pain and money are well worth it. If you message me privately we can exchange numbers and I can show you pics. Also, the girl who runs phit-n-phat, had her legs and tummy (both vertical) done too. If you look at her pics you can barely see her scars. You can find her on Facebook. She lost 100 pounds. And has podcasts

    I'm now trying to lose another 12-17 lbs. (per my surgeon, my original goal was not that low) and then I'm going to have a vertical thigh lift as well. I'm hoping for before the summer but we will see. I will more than likely at some point get my boobs done as well. I have a lot of chest muscle from lifting and you can see the space between the muscle and where my boobs fall. Out of all the things this bothers me the least but it still bothers me.

    I don't care if I have to pay this off for the rest of my life, I would never come this far and not finish the job. And I want to feel good about myself. With all the loose skin I just couldn't.

    Any questions you have feel free to ask me. I totally get where you are coming from. It's how I feel too. But I will say this, even if you don't feel confident never let the man see that. Just pretend like you're the most confident woman in the world. Confidence is sexy

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