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Its hard being a traditional romantic in a hook up culture.

KameHameHaaaaKameHameHaaaa Member Posts: 843 Member Member Posts: 843 Member
Well I made a longer post about it but it didn't save. I'll just keep this short..ish, and to the point.

Been living with my bf for almost a year. We are nearly perfect, great communication, no arguments, if we have disagreements we just sit down and discuss it without getting emotions too involved. I'm 100% comfortable with him and vice versa. We have almost all the same beliefs and values, minus one thing..

Over the last year he's mentioned a few times,usually after some drinks,that maybe some day down the road he might want to sleep with someone else. Not out of love, just to have sex, he's only been with two people including me and missed out on a lot of teenage and 20s experiences. We're now in our 30s, he talks about wanting to settle down, do the family/kids thing, just that "maybe one day I might want to hook up with someone else. I'd still love YOU and come home to you, I'm just a man and I feel like I never got to 'sow the wild oats' " thing..

I'm 100% monogamous, and he claims to be monogamous as well but there are these "maybes" he brings up. I try not to react emotionally, but I couldn't help it last night and ended up crying hysterically. He freaked out, backpedaled and said "well I'm not really even that type of guy, its just a hypothetical scenario, I'm just being honest because we never know what will happen down the road. I love you, I don't want to hurt you, I want you in my life" etc...

I dunno. I feel like the damage is done. I don't want to spend a decade wondering if today is the day he'll say he needs someone else in the bedroom. I'm stuck between what I want (staying because I love him dearly) and what I think I should do (leave before we get even further involved)

Am I overreacting? All comments are appreciated, men included, you guys will probably understand his way of thinking and be able to explain it more than I can.

I just love him so much. This hurts.
edited February 2018
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Replies

  • KameHameHaaaaKameHameHaaaa Member Posts: 843 Member Member Posts: 843 Member
    You're overreacting. Without any other information from his pov, it appears he was just being honest with you when it comes to his sexual desires. I can't think of a single person, both myself and my husband included, who don't have thoughts about wanting to sleep with other people.

    No one knows what the future holds. What's important is that you both feel comfortable in being honest about these desires and when/if you need to you can decide how best to proceed.

    But for now, maybe this is as far as it will ever go. Just saying it doesn't mean it will happen.

    I appreciate the response. I just think maybe I'm different. I'm the problem, maybe. When I'm involved with someone I love, I literally don't think about other men like that. I can't fathom having sex without love being involved. That's just personally how I'm wired, I think. If he did, say a decade from now, decide to go through with that it would end our relationship. Its a deal breaker for me. I guess I just don't want to have to start over in my 40's. Men can procreate whenever they want, us ladies have expiration dates when it comes to that sort of thing. I don't want to end up having kids with someone who doesn't think I'm enough for them physically. And I realize I'm the odd one out because of this, and idk... Maybe I'm just one of those people who's meant to die single and childless.
  • cee134cee134 Member Posts: 33,764 Member Member Posts: 33,764 Member
    The only advice I can give you is thinking isn't doing. I say this because I don't have all the facts I need.
    edited February 2018
  • StevefromMichiganStevefromMichigan Member Posts: 460 Member Member Posts: 460 Member
    I think you just have to be direct and tell him that you're not cool with it, and that it would be a deal breaker (assuming it is). If he truly cares about you, he'll understand.

    Keep in mind that many guys have this fantasy of two girls, one guy in the bedroom. Not saying it's right, it just is. He may just be testing the waters to see if you would be open to something like that...one day. Quickly closing the door on the subject might be the best way to handle it given how you feel.

    I do think you may be overreacting a little by considering ending the relationship just for him broaching the subject. Since you have an honest and open relationship, tell him how you feel about it.
    edited February 2018
  • MichelleWithMoxieMichelleWithMoxie Member, Premium Posts: 1,819 Member Member, Premium Posts: 1,819 Member
    I don’t think you’re overreacting. If my husband said that to me, it would break my heart. If i were in your situation, I would be very torn, but also seriously think about moving on before getting even more invested than you already are.
  • W8WarIW8WarI Member Posts: 567 Member Member Posts: 567 Member
    I find that these people, be they; male or female're only for it, upon their end; so if you said fine & I'll also, they'd then not be okay; with you doing it though!
    edited February 2018
  • Evana_ViceEvana_Vice Member Posts: 4 Member Member Posts: 4 Member
    When people show and tell you who they are, believe them. Eventually he will sleep with someone else, and you can't be like you didn't know because .. well he told you. If your reaction to him being honest is crying hysterically, then when he does sleep with someone in the future, he'll hide it/lie about it because your reaction to his truth was a negative one, so already he knows not to be honest on that topic to you. You can cry that he has those desires because he is human, or be grateful that he loves you enough to be honest with you.

    So I suggest you go have an honest talk with him. But before that you need to decide whether him sleeping with someone else for kicks and giggles (since I believe he does love you) is a deal breaker for you. You determine your own deal breakers, so let him know what they are, then see his reaction to your truth. Dealbreakers need to be discussed because at the end of the day true love is conditional (unlike the movies would have you think). Also remember there is no true love without forgiveness. That said how do you determine if cheating is a deal breaker or not? Well if you guys truly are perfect for each other, meant to be and all, are you willing to forgive him when he does sleep with someone? Obviously you won't tell him forgiveness is on the table (we're not trying to encourage bad habits here lol), but you need to know your truth and know if you are capable of forgiving that if it happens. If you're not capable of forgiving him when that happens, then cheating is your deal breaker. I say be open to him about your truth, and practice being open to his truth. Tell him you understand he may sleep with someone else eventually, and you're thankful for the honesty (because let's be real! Would you rather not know?!). I'm not you, so I can't speak on your priorities, but if I were in your shoes, and I decided that he was the one, I'd let him know he needs to get all his urges out at his bachelor party or before the wedding lol because cheating is a deal breaker once we take our vows. My idea of compromise. Trust me! Sex does not equal Love. And if he loves you, and he knows sex with someone else will end your marriage, he will NOT sleep with someone else when you're married. Not because he doesn't have urges, but because he is aware of the consequences and it's not worth it, because you're worth it.
  • blueheartrisenblueheartrisen Member Posts: 30 Member Member Posts: 30 Member
    I wouldn't blame the culture for the things that he is saying. Plenty of happy monogamous relationships still happen. How does the topic of "I might want to sleep with someone else" even come up? Are you asking him about it or is he just blurting it out in a drunken confession?

    He's in his thirties and has only been with two people? What was he doing during his twenties that left him unable to sow his wild oats then? I feel like there is more to this story.
  • PixelPuffPixelPuff Member Posts: 902 Member Member Posts: 902 Member
    Err... I'm in a monogamous relationship. For now. When we got together, I actually had this discussion with my bf. He is free to have sex with others while we're together, with certain rules (safety, cleanliness, I mustn't be friends with that person, I'm the only girlfriend, knocking someone up is a 100% dealbreaker on us no matter what, etc). He hasn't taken me up on it yet. I personally don't feel the need to want to explore away from him, he has all that I need. I enjoy him. Would I feel sad if he weren't committed to me and me alone? Not really. Love and sex are two different things.

    It really isn't for everyone. We had this discussion early, brought up by me. He was open to the idea, but really? At the moment, we're content with each other. At one point, we may experiment with another girl at a point for funsies, but it is to remain funsies only. No relationship (one-offs/bang-friend only), I better as hell be the main bae. Then again, I'm told I have 'interesting' ideas on relationships and have zero religious principle to me. Just a 'be good to others' standpoint. /shrug

    Either way, you need to hear him out fully. Try not to be hurt, people have different views. He brought it up because he wants an open and honest discussion with you about his desires. Y'all are together. I'm not saying you have to go for it, but hear him out. Why? So he can hear you out, too. You are in a relationship together. Discuss, don't block it out. See what else you can do aside from having him 'step', if it isn't something you like. Let him know that you appreciate him being honest, but you don't accept this in a relationship. Talk from there.

    Much love. <3 Good luck.
  • Deadman_DiggingupDeadman_Diggingup Member Posts: 3,075 Member Member Posts: 3,075 Member
    dwrightlaw wrote: »
    Unbelievable...not your posting, just some of the responses are ridiculous, stereotypical *kitten*...
    You do what is right for your heart, mind & soul...if you ponder on it you will know how to best proceed for yourself, don't let strangers, or friends for that matter, tell you that you are "overreacting." I wish you the best <3

    I would like to change my answer please.....
  • LounmounLounmoun Member Posts: 8,428 Member Member Posts: 8,428 Member
    I am also strictly monogamous and would not be okay with my partner having sex with other people. I don't want to sleep with other people.
    I would say you guys should part ways instead of getting married and having kids. He has brought this up multiple times. He is not going to never think this way again. He is okay with it and you are not. Not compatible views.
  • Vikka_VVikka_V Member Posts: 9,461 Member Member Posts: 9,461 Member
    He was being honest with you, that is great. Alcohol - truth serum.
    You need to decide whether this possibility is ok or not for you and do what is best for you. Think about it a bit, don't make a spur of the moment decision, everything else in your relationship sounds great, but you know in your heart what is right for you...listen to yourself, it will be the right decision no matter how painful the consequences might be.
  • jenilla1jenilla1 Member Posts: 10,851 Member Member Posts: 10,851 Member
    He keeps bringing it up, which tells me that it's a thing he thinks about a lot. It's probably going to happen at some point.

    I think he cares about you and wants you in his life, which is why he's proactively warning you. He won't feel like such a jerk cheating on you if he thinks that he's given you fair warning ahead of time and you've basically condoned it by staying with him.

    If you're willing to put up with that, then more power to you. There are many kinds of relationships out there. But if that's not OK with you, then you need to think about moving on - sooner rather than later.

    I wouldn't want to waste my time, stressing and wondering what he's gonna do. Good luck! <3
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