Its hard being a traditional romantic in a hook up culture.

KameHameHaaaa
KameHameHaaaa Posts: 837 Member
edited November 24 in Chit-Chat
Well I made a longer post about it but it didn't save. I'll just keep this short..ish, and to the point.

Been living with my bf for almost a year. We are nearly perfect, great communication, no arguments, if we have disagreements we just sit down and discuss it without getting emotions too involved. I'm 100% comfortable with him and vice versa. We have almost all the same beliefs and values, minus one thing..

Over the last year he's mentioned a few times,usually after some drinks,that maybe some day down the road he might want to sleep with someone else. Not out of love, just to have sex, he's only been with two people including me and missed out on a lot of teenage and 20s experiences. We're now in our 30s, he talks about wanting to settle down, do the family/kids thing, just that "maybe one day I might want to hook up with someone else. I'd still love YOU and come home to you, I'm just a man and I feel like I never got to 'sow the wild oats' " thing..

I'm 100% monogamous, and he claims to be monogamous as well but there are these "maybes" he brings up. I try not to react emotionally, but I couldn't help it last night and ended up crying hysterically. He freaked out, backpedaled and said "well I'm not really even that type of guy, its just a hypothetical scenario, I'm just being honest because we never know what will happen down the road. I love you, I don't want to hurt you, I want you in my life" etc...

I dunno. I feel like the damage is done. I don't want to spend a decade wondering if today is the day he'll say he needs someone else in the bedroom. I'm stuck between what I want (staying because I love him dearly) and what I think I should do (leave before we get even further involved)

Am I overreacting? All comments are appreciated, men included, you guys will probably understand his way of thinking and be able to explain it more than I can.

I just love him so much. This hurts.

Replies

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  • KameHameHaaaa
    KameHameHaaaa Posts: 837 Member
    TeacupsAndToning wrote: »
    You're overreacting. Without any other information from his pov, it appears he was just being honest with you when it comes to his sexual desires. I can't think of a single person, both myself and my husband included, who don't have thoughts about wanting to sleep with other people.

    No one knows what the future holds. What's important is that you both feel comfortable in being honest about these desires and when/if you need to you can decide how best to proceed.

    But for now, maybe this is as far as it will ever go. Just saying it doesn't mean it will happen.

    I appreciate the response. I just think maybe I'm different. I'm the problem, maybe. When I'm involved with someone I love, I literally don't think about other men like that. I can't fathom having sex without love being involved. That's just personally how I'm wired, I think. If he did, say a decade from now, decide to go through with that it would end our relationship. Its a deal breaker for me. I guess I just don't want to have to start over in my 40's. Men can procreate whenever they want, us ladies have expiration dates when it comes to that sort of thing. I don't want to end up having kids with someone who doesn't think I'm enough for them physically. And I realize I'm the odd one out because of this, and idk... Maybe I'm just one of those people who's meant to die single and childless.
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
    edited February 2018
    The only advice I can give you is thinking isn't doing. I say this because I don't have all the facts I need.
  • StevefromMichigan
    StevefromMichigan Posts: 462 Member
    edited February 2018
    I think you just have to be direct and tell him that you're not cool with it, and that it would be a deal breaker (assuming it is). If he truly cares about you, he'll understand.

    Keep in mind that many guys have this fantasy of two girls, one guy in the bedroom. Not saying it's right, it just is. He may just be testing the waters to see if you would be open to something like that...one day. Quickly closing the door on the subject might be the best way to handle it given how you feel.

    I do think you may be overreacting a little by considering ending the relationship just for him broaching the subject. Since you have an honest and open relationship, tell him how you feel about it.
  • MichelleWithMoxie
    MichelleWithMoxie Posts: 1,817 Member
    I don’t think you’re overreacting. If my husband said that to me, it would break my heart. If i were in your situation, I would be very torn, but also seriously think about moving on before getting even more invested than you already are.
  • W8WarI
    W8WarI Posts: 567 Member
    edited February 2018
    I find that these people, be they; male or female're only for it, upon their end; so if you said fine & I'll also, they'd then not be okay; with you doing it though!
  • Evana_Vice
    Evana_Vice Posts: 4 Member
    When people show and tell you who they are, believe them. Eventually he will sleep with someone else, and you can't be like you didn't know because .. well he told you. If your reaction to him being honest is crying hysterically, then when he does sleep with someone in the future, he'll hide it/lie about it because your reaction to his truth was a negative one, so already he knows not to be honest on that topic to you. You can cry that he has those desires because he is human, or be grateful that he loves you enough to be honest with you.

    So I suggest you go have an honest talk with him. But before that you need to decide whether him sleeping with someone else for kicks and giggles (since I believe he does love you) is a deal breaker for you. You determine your own deal breakers, so let him know what they are, then see his reaction to your truth. Dealbreakers need to be discussed because at the end of the day true love is conditional (unlike the movies would have you think). Also remember there is no true love without forgiveness. That said how do you determine if cheating is a deal breaker or not? Well if you guys truly are perfect for each other, meant to be and all, are you willing to forgive him when he does sleep with someone? Obviously you won't tell him forgiveness is on the table (we're not trying to encourage bad habits here lol), but you need to know your truth and know if you are capable of forgiving that if it happens. If you're not capable of forgiving him when that happens, then cheating is your deal breaker. I say be open to him about your truth, and practice being open to his truth. Tell him you understand he may sleep with someone else eventually, and you're thankful for the honesty (because let's be real! Would you rather not know?!). I'm not you, so I can't speak on your priorities, but if I were in your shoes, and I decided that he was the one, I'd let him know he needs to get all his urges out at his bachelor party or before the wedding lol because cheating is a deal breaker once we take our vows. My idea of compromise. Trust me! Sex does not equal Love. And if he loves you, and he knows sex with someone else will end your marriage, he will NOT sleep with someone else when you're married. Not because he doesn't have urges, but because he is aware of the consequences and it's not worth it, because you're worth it.
  • Unknown
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  • blueheartrisen
    blueheartrisen Posts: 30 Member
    I wouldn't blame the culture for the things that he is saying. Plenty of happy monogamous relationships still happen. How does the topic of "I might want to sleep with someone else" even come up? Are you asking him about it or is he just blurting it out in a drunken confession?

    He's in his thirties and has only been with two people? What was he doing during his twenties that left him unable to sow his wild oats then? I feel like there is more to this story.
  • PixelPuff
    PixelPuff Posts: 902 Member
    Err... I'm in a monogamous relationship. For now. When we got together, I actually had this discussion with my bf. He is free to have sex with others while we're together, with certain rules (safety, cleanliness, I mustn't be friends with that person, I'm the only girlfriend, knocking someone up is a 100% dealbreaker on us no matter what, etc). He hasn't taken me up on it yet. I personally don't feel the need to want to explore away from him, he has all that I need. I enjoy him. Would I feel sad if he weren't committed to me and me alone? Not really. Love and sex are two different things.

    It really isn't for everyone. We had this discussion early, brought up by me. He was open to the idea, but really? At the moment, we're content with each other. At one point, we may experiment with another girl at a point for funsies, but it is to remain funsies only. No relationship (one-offs/bang-friend only), I better as hell be the main bae. Then again, I'm told I have 'interesting' ideas on relationships and have zero religious principle to me. Just a 'be good to others' standpoint. /shrug

    Either way, you need to hear him out fully. Try not to be hurt, people have different views. He brought it up because he wants an open and honest discussion with you about his desires. Y'all are together. I'm not saying you have to go for it, but hear him out. Why? So he can hear you out, too. You are in a relationship together. Discuss, don't block it out. See what else you can do aside from having him 'step', if it isn't something you like. Let him know that you appreciate him being honest, but you don't accept this in a relationship. Talk from there.

    Much love. <3 Good luck.
  • Deadman_Diggingup
    Deadman_Diggingup Posts: 3,082 Member
    dwrightlaw wrote: »
    Unbelievable...not your posting, just some of the responses are ridiculous, stereotypical *kitten*...
    You do what is right for your heart, mind & soul...if you ponder on it you will know how to best proceed for yourself, don't let strangers, or friends for that matter, tell you that you are "overreacting." I wish you the best <3

    I would like to change my answer please.....
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I am also strictly monogamous and would not be okay with my partner having sex with other people. I don't want to sleep with other people.
    I would say you guys should part ways instead of getting married and having kids. He has brought this up multiple times. He is not going to never think this way again. He is okay with it and you are not. Not compatible views.
  • Vikka_V
    Vikka_V Posts: 9,563 Member
    He was being honest with you, that is great. Alcohol - truth serum.
    You need to decide whether this possibility is ok or not for you and do what is best for you. Think about it a bit, don't make a spur of the moment decision, everything else in your relationship sounds great, but you know in your heart what is right for you...listen to yourself, it will be the right decision no matter how painful the consequences might be.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    He keeps bringing it up, which tells me that it's a thing he thinks about a lot. It's probably going to happen at some point.

    I think he cares about you and wants you in his life, which is why he's proactively warning you. He won't feel like such a jerk cheating on you if he thinks that he's given you fair warning ahead of time and you've basically condoned it by staying with him.

    If you're willing to put up with that, then more power to you. There are many kinds of relationships out there. But if that's not OK with you, then you need to think about moving on - sooner rather than later.

    I wouldn't want to waste my time, stressing and wondering what he's gonna do. Good luck! <3
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    As far as being hurt, I think it's important to realize that men are wired differently from women. With very few exceptions, men don't stop looking just because they're in love. That's just nature. Not all of them act on it, but there's no off switch there. Being devastated because he has these fantasies is misplaced.

    On the one hand, do you really think this man who has only slept with two women in his life is suddenly going to turn into a horn dog now that he's older and more mature? If he's so crazy wild, why didn't he have more sex already? It sounds like his fantasies are unlikely to become reality, especially if you make it plain they aren't something that includes you.

    On the other hand, continuing to raise the subject after he knows it's not acceptable is extremely disrespectful to you. I'm not sure I would want to commit to a life with someone who didn't respect me. Since you do want a lifelong commitment, you might try next time telling him you're glad he was honest with you and you want to be equally honest - you'll be looking for someone else to hook up with as well - someone who respects you enough to be monogamous.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    Intimacy and trust are the cornerstones of a strong relationship for more traditional folks. If either of those are are lacking, you will always have issues. With your husband bringing this up, I wonder if he is just seeking validation for something that is already done. Seems odd.

    Anyway, you life and relationship, so do it the way that feels right for you.

    In all my years and all the couples I know, there are only two marriages that were open that have lasted, and they were not open marriages long.

  • KameHameHaaaa
    KameHameHaaaa Posts: 837 Member
    Just wanted to start out by saying thank you to everyone for their responses and opinions. I'm not going to quote/reply to things individually, so I'll just cover a few things all in one message.

    1) I didn't start off crying as a reaction. We've had this conversation several times, and I've left my emotions out of it and just hoped it was a drunken rant on his part. Including that night, we discussed if for well over an hour..Me asking him questions, him asking me questions etc, before I just couldn't hold in the tears.

    2) He also said he'd be okay with me having other sexual partners down the road, so long as he was the only one I truly loved/came home to

    3) He lived a very introverted life, in a very rural area. Its hard to meet people here, there's more cows than people. I'm a little more extroverted than he is, and now that I'm here we've been going out together into the city (bars, pool halls etc) often and he's getting a little taste of things he didn't do when he was younger...

    4) When he has a couple drinks, he focuses on regrets. Didn't do this, didn't do that, growing up. Things like that. That's how this conversation comes up. He feels like he is truly monogamous, but he regrets not experiencing multiple hook ups in his younger years. He wants a permanent, stable love, but "maybe down the road" try on another woman just for the sake of sex, not love

    5) No, this isn't about bringing another person into the bedroom with us. Neither of us want 3somes, we've talked about it, its more like going to someone else's house for a hook up then coming back home to me.

    6) Now that he's sober and remembers the conversation, he keeps apologizing. He's apologized before but its always been "I don't remember what I said last night, but maybe I said some things I shouldn't have and I'm sorry"... This time he says he remembers everything. He keeps insisting it was just all bullcrap, that he'd never risk losing me and that its not really a fantasy he has, that he was just " talking out of his a**"

    7) Again just want to say I appreciate the responses. And I do realize this is something I need to decide on my own in the end. I'm just 100% fully monogamous, maybe even weirder in the way that I don't even fantasize about other men let alone bring it up as a future possibility. I'm just kinda scared, because of how much I love him, that and my age. I'm getting close to the cut off age for having childen. We both want kids. But I don't want to become a single mother in my 40s or 50s because my partner plays out a fantasy he gave me fair warning of yknow?

    I have a lot to think about. Thanks again guys.
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