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Its hard being a traditional romantic in a hook up culture.

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  • rheddmobilerheddmobile Member Posts: 6,610 Member Member Posts: 6,610 Member
    As far as being hurt, I think it's important to realize that men are wired differently from women. With very few exceptions, men don't stop looking just because they're in love. That's just nature. Not all of them act on it, but there's no off switch there. Being devastated because he has these fantasies is misplaced.

    On the one hand, do you really think this man who has only slept with two women in his life is suddenly going to turn into a horn dog now that he's older and more mature? If he's so crazy wild, why didn't he have more sex already? It sounds like his fantasies are unlikely to become reality, especially if you make it plain they aren't something that includes you.

    On the other hand, continuing to raise the subject after he knows it's not acceptable is extremely disrespectful to you. I'm not sure I would want to commit to a life with someone who didn't respect me. Since you do want a lifelong commitment, you might try next time telling him you're glad he was honest with you and you want to be equally honest - you'll be looking for someone else to hook up with as well - someone who respects you enough to be monogamous.
  • Timshel_Timshel_ Member Posts: 22,863 Member Member Posts: 22,863 Member
    Intimacy and trust are the cornerstones of a strong relationship for more traditional folks. If either of those are are lacking, you will always have issues. With your husband bringing this up, I wonder if he is just seeking validation for something that is already done. Seems odd.

    Anyway, you life and relationship, so do it the way that feels right for you.

    In all my years and all the couples I know, there are only two marriages that were open that have lasted, and they were not open marriages long.

  • KameHameHaaaaKameHameHaaaa Member Posts: 840 Member Member Posts: 840 Member
    Just wanted to start out by saying thank you to everyone for their responses and opinions. I'm not going to quote/reply to things individually, so I'll just cover a few things all in one message.

    1) I didn't start off crying as a reaction. We've had this conversation several times, and I've left my emotions out of it and just hoped it was a drunken rant on his part. Including that night, we discussed if for well over an hour..Me asking him questions, him asking me questions etc, before I just couldn't hold in the tears.

    2) He also said he'd be okay with me having other sexual partners down the road, so long as he was the only one I truly loved/came home to

    3) He lived a very introverted life, in a very rural area. Its hard to meet people here, there's more cows than people. I'm a little more extroverted than he is, and now that I'm here we've been going out together into the city (bars, pool halls etc) often and he's getting a little taste of things he didn't do when he was younger...

    4) When he has a couple drinks, he focuses on regrets. Didn't do this, didn't do that, growing up. Things like that. That's how this conversation comes up. He feels like he is truly monogamous, but he regrets not experiencing multiple hook ups in his younger years. He wants a permanent, stable love, but "maybe down the road" try on another woman just for the sake of sex, not love

    5) No, this isn't about bringing another person into the bedroom with us. Neither of us want 3somes, we've talked about it, its more like going to someone else's house for a hook up then coming back home to me.

    6) Now that he's sober and remembers the conversation, he keeps apologizing. He's apologized before but its always been "I don't remember what I said last night, but maybe I said some things I shouldn't have and I'm sorry"... This time he says he remembers everything. He keeps insisting it was just all bullcrap, that he'd never risk losing me and that its not really a fantasy he has, that he was just " talking out of his a**"

    7) Again just want to say I appreciate the responses. And I do realize this is something I need to decide on my own in the end. I'm just 100% fully monogamous, maybe even weirder in the way that I don't even fantasize about other men let alone bring it up as a future possibility. I'm just kinda scared, because of how much I love him, that and my age. I'm getting close to the cut off age for having childen. We both want kids. But I don't want to become a single mother in my 40s or 50s because my partner plays out a fantasy he gave me fair warning of yknow?

    I have a lot to think about. Thanks again guys.
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