For those with an overweight SO

dklmiller
dklmiller Posts: 55 Member
edited November 25 in Health and Weight Loss
Do you notice? Do you ever wish he/she would just stick with it for once and lose the weight? I guess I just wonder that a lot. My husband is fit and I’m about 30 pounds overweight. He’s only 5 pounds heavier than me. I’m glad he is happy and healthy. I just wish I was too. More importantly I wish I knew the things he’s too nice to say but thinks.

Replies

  • Erfw7471
    Erfw7471 Posts: 242 Member
    I love him no matter what size he is (he's only 25-30 lbs overweight) or will ever be, just as he loved me unconditionally when I was 260 lbs (now 140).

    Now that we're both in our mid- upper 40s, of course I wish he paid more attention to what does/may affect his health, but I do what I can here at home for him & anything over that is up to him.
  • Lizardybits
    Lizardybits Posts: 10 Member
    Prior to my s/o, I had a very definite physical type, and he's never fit it. He's gained some weight in the years we've been together, but it doesn't seem to bother him, and it's not in the way in the bedroom, so I don't worry about it beyond pointing out when something no longer fits properly (he's also a clueless dresser). If it ever bothers him enough to do something about it, I'll support him. Until then, as long as his blood work is good I'm unconcerned, and still very much attracted to him.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    My dh is not overweight now. He was I guess but I didn't really notice until he lost about 30 lbs. He did not look that much different.
    My dh has been with me for 18 years where I have weighed 125 lbs to around 180lbs and has complimented me at every weight. I don't think he sees the flaws that I see. He wants me to be happy and healthy.

    You can change your weight but you are still you. Your dh probably isn't thinking bad things about you.
  • richardgavel
    richardgavel Posts: 1,001 Member
    hud54014 wrote: »
    Nope... I love him and have always found him attractive at any shape, size or age. If he wants to change his body or looks, that's his business. I'll just continue thinking about how hot he is, and how lucky I am to have him in my life. If your husband doesn't feel the same way then he's in for some serious disappointment, because our looks don't exactly improve as we grow old.

    But they can improve. I'm 43 and I'm the lightest I've ever been since high school and that certainly has an impact on how I look (and feel, and that higher confidence has an impact in how I look).
  • JDixon852019
    JDixon852019 Posts: 312 Member
    I have a BMI of 20 and am about 22% body fat. My husband is obese. My physical attraction level doesn’t change when he gains or loses weight but he is definitely more fun when he is “on the wagon” and active.
  • beaglady
    beaglady Posts: 1,362 Member
    I do wish mine would lose weight. I don’t care that he is overweight for its own sake, but he has severe arthritis that would ease up if he had less weight to carry.

    He eats the same dinners as I do, but he comfort eats snacks, and drinks beer a couple times a week. He uses the excuse that he can’t exercise, so can’t lose weight. Has no interest in tracking what he eats. I’ve done what I can, but he has to find his own motivation.
  • Frankie_Fan
    Frankie_Fan Posts: 562 Member
    edited February 2018
    My husband is developing a kind of dad bod, but I love it haha. With me he's never called me fat or told me to lose weight. He's said in the past that he's loved me through thick and thin and thick again (meaning my weight).
    We are active together and developing better eating habits. I do wish I was as fit and as athletic as he is though...hopefully one day I will be. :)
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    From an aesthetic perspective I like him best when he's a little overweight. But I do wish he took more of an interest in his health so if his weight starts creeping too high I say something.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
    Focus on you. You cannot change others, but you can change yourself. Perhaps your success will inspire and influence others.
  • mom23mangos
    mom23mangos Posts: 3,069 Member
    Of course you notice. But it usually creeps up so slowly you don't really notice. And no, it hasn't changed my perspective of him at all. When we got married, my husband was 5'10" and about 170. He got up to around 350, had lap band surgery to basically save his life and is now sitting around 250. Do I worry about his health? Yes. Do I care what he looks like? No. I think when you are in a long term committed relationship, the physical appearance just doesn't mean as much as when you are deciding if you want to date someone or not. What bothers me more than anything is that he doesn't like to do anything active or outdoors, which I do.
  • stanmann571
    stanmann571 Posts: 5,727 Member
    dklmiller wrote: »
    Do you notice? Do you ever wish he/she would just stick with it for once and lose the weight? I guess I just wonder that a lot. My husband is fit and I’m about 30 pounds overweight. He’s only 5 pounds heavier than me. I’m glad he is happy and healthy. I just wish I was too. More importantly I wish I knew the things he’s too nice to say but thinks.

    If there's something you want to hear or need to hear, Ask point blank.
  • PapillonNoire
    PapillonNoire Posts: 76 Member
    From a health perspective, yes, I wish my husband would lose weight and keep it off. He loses & regains the same 40ish pounds over and over. He goes on an extreme diet & exercise plan where he loses weight quick and feels good; then eventually gets tired and bored, goes back to eating the same way as before, stops exercising and regains all the weight. He knows what the process is for losing weight in a slow, sustainable manner but thinks it's too boring and not rewarding enough. Nothing I say makes a difference and I can't make him change his methods. Hopefully one day it will sink in.

    Aesthetically his weight isn't an issue to me. Perhaps it would be if were 100 lbs instead of 40, but I don't feel any different attraction wise with at him 200 lbs vs 240.
  • tcunbeliever
    tcunbeliever Posts: 8,219 Member
    My husband was about 30 lbs lighter when we started dating...of course I notice, but I'm far more worried about the health impact than the visual...he's still amazing in bed and he is an amazing husband, so I'm not going to get rid of him just because he's 15% larger than when we started out...I do wish he would be more consistent with lifting because he's 50 and he's only going to lose muscle mass from here on out unless he makes a real effort to preserve or gain muscle...and he carries all his excess weight in his belly (he has a keg, not a 6 pack) and that is just terrible for cardiovascular health...and he doesn't do any cardio exercises...I have told him a million times that if he drops dead I will never forgive him, but he is not concerned, and I keep the life insurance paid up, so it is what it is.

    You are the only person who can make you healthier...and shame doesn't burn calories, so you might as well put that away and invest the energy somewhere else.
  • iWishMyNameWasRebel
    iWishMyNameWasRebel Posts: 174 Member
    Well, my husband and I are both obese. He is never anything but kind and supportive of me, and says he gets really impressed with my discipline and persistence as I pursue better health and strength. I desperately wish he would join me because it hurts me to see him struggling with things he would not struggle with if he worked on his fitness (which is so much more than only weight). But I also know that if I push him towards it he will run the opposite direction. Instead I use terms that include both of us, because we both have work to do in the fitness arena. Do I find him less attractive when he's heavier? Physically, not really any difference for me. But when he's fitter, he's friskier, more confident, flirtier, and even a snappier dresser. All of those are qualities I really enjoy and love it when he's feeling that way and has that "sexy man swagger."
  • Madwife2009
    Madwife2009 Posts: 1,369 Member
    dklmiller wrote: »
    Do you notice? Do you ever wish he/she would just stick with it for once and lose the weight? I guess I just wonder that a lot. My husband is fit and I’m about 30 pounds overweight. He’s only 5 pounds heavier than me. I’m glad he is happy and healthy. I just wish I was too. More importantly I wish I knew the things he’s too nice to say but thinks.

    I am aware that my DH is overweight but it doesn't change my feelings for him. I love him for who he is, an amazing, wonderful man. Just as he has never commented about my weight when I was obese (or now I'm not obese), I would not make comments about his appearance because that's not important to me. When I met him he was really (scarily) thin and I'm just as attracted to him now as I was then.

    I am concerned about his health as he frequently complains about issues that could made better or even resolved if he just lost a little weight. But he is also aware that he needs to lose some weight, he just hasn't reached the bit whereby he decides to deal with it. I can't force him into that, it has to come from him.

    Part of my concern is, I will admit, totally selfish because I don't want to live life without him. So I want him healthy so that he lives for longer and so our children have their dad for longer.
  • spiriteagle99
    spiriteagle99 Posts: 3,747 Member
    My husband and I have been together for 25 years. During that time, we've both been up and down as much as 50 pounds. Neither of us is bothered when the other is heavier. I think he's hot at every size; he says I'm beautiful, whatever my weight. I am aware that part of his weight issue is my fault. I run marathons, so have days when I eat a lot. Since I cook for two, he ends up eating more than he needs, because he isn't doing as much exercise. I notice when his weight goes up, but it doesn't change the way I feel about him. ATM, I know he thinks I'm too thin, but he loves me just the same.
  • Sp1tfire
    Sp1tfire Posts: 1,120 Member
    I'm attracted to a lot of body types so It would not be a problem in that area. But health wise i guess a piece of me would be worried if things were going downhill fast and getting worse and worse.
  • Lesscookies1
    Lesscookies1 Posts: 250 Member
    I'm about 8 pounds overweight right now, and my SO did notice when I was heavier. Before I was actually almost 50 pounds overweight, and he wanted us to workout together, and we hit the gym, and started making meals more at home except for once every 2 weeks going somewhere like chipotle haha. So yeah my SO was definitely a motivator that helped me lose my weight because who doesn't want to be healthier? I have a little bit to go, but it's happening. When we first got together I was at a healthy weight, but my office job and lack of activity got me obese, and now I'm close to my goal.
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    I was incredibly overweight when I was with my partner of 6 years . . . and he was super fit. Surprisingly he became less attracted to me as I started to lose weight. He was controlling and manipulative so it wasn't like a super healthy relationship - let's be honest. But he said he was no longer attracted to me when I started to get smaller.

    If I had a partner who was incredibly obese, I wouldn't be less attracted to him because he's obese but would I want him to lose weight? Yes of course - I would want him to be healthy so we could live a long and healthy life together, filled with tons of fun things. I wouldn't want him to be unable to be mobile, and I'd want him and I to be able to explore and enjoy life together in the healthiest way possible. I'd also want him to be healthy: being obese (and morbidly obese for that matter) leads to many complications down the road, especially if you've been big for a lot of your life. So yes I guess I would want him to be a healthy weight, but only for his sake . . . and maybe a bit of my own so that we can do things together. I'm not looking for an elite level athlete or anything, but someone who is healthy so we can enjoy our life. I guess that is a little selfish lol but really it doesn't mean I wouldn't be attracted to him, just for his sake I'd want him to be able to enjoy life.
  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
    BF and I have been together for 10 years. In that time I've put on up to 80 lbs and he's put on at least 50-60. He has gotten to the point in the past year where the sizes he's worn forever now don't fit and he's been remarking on needing to lose weight. The problem is anytime I try to have a discussion and explain a few basics (CICO, diet is more important than exercise, etc.) he doesn't believe me and nothing ever comes of it. I've lost 20-40 lbs a few times and put it back on, so he has seen that I know how to lose weight. I just try my best not to comment about the food and drink choices he makes because I know it ultimately will not lead anywhere unless he someday actually asks for my help. I'd be lying if I said I didn't internally shake my head at some of the choices he makes though. As for the attraction aspect, nothing has changed there on my end.
  • PokeyBug
    PokeyBug Posts: 482 Member
    Absolutely not, unless I'm worried about his health. I'm worried about his health right now, and I've told him, but I will not bug him about it more than that. He says he's trying to lose, as am I, but neither of us is pushing the other, because we know that will just come off as nagging. My husband is the most gorgeous human being I know, no matter how much he weighs, and I think he feels the same way about me.
  • candylilacs
    candylilacs Posts: 614 Member
    Oh, I know what you mean! I was 199 when I met him. He was 215.

    ME: 199 turned 340, and I was 277. DH: 215, then 190, then was 250, now 215.

    Out of 16 years we've been together I've fought my demons. And now I have the serenity that he loves me for me.
  • fitoverfortymom
    fitoverfortymom Posts: 3,452 Member
    A few years ago, hubby quit smoking. I still smoked. I knew it frustrated him, but I told him I would quit when I was ready. I did--about a year after he quit, I also quit.

    Fast forward a little bit, we are both obese and I find MFP and start losing weight, and stick with it. He falters and doesn't want to count calories, etc. He loses a bit and then gains it back, all the while I have found my groove. A year and a half later, he's coming around. He doesn't track as closely as I do, but overall is getting that CICO is where it's at. His methods to get there are different (wayyyy more exercise), but he's getting there.

    The thing is, people have to get there on their own terms. I would love him to "do it just like I did" but I know it just won't go that way. I love him. He'll get there, and even if he doesn't, well, that's part of the deal of marriage.
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