Scared I will always be fat! Really scared.

andreadods
andreadods Posts: 37 Member
in Introduce Yourself
Right I need to finally get a grip on this. But then realistically, I have always been overweight....always.

I started on my first diet under my practice nurse at my doctors, who I hated, at 11. So since 11 I have pretty much been on a diet and as a result I weigh 21 stone at 5 ft 2. Or for US peeps I weigh 295lbs and am 157cms. So yep..... Those diets worked ha. I finally felt like I had beat my weight in 2013. I spent a year losing 4 stone and was training hard and doing 5k obstacle runs. I felt amazing. I had a husband who supports me no matter my size, 2 children, a great career and despite still being overweight I was really happy. Then I got my first training injury. It was sore and hard to work as I had a suspected frozen shoulder. After a few months I was getting frustrated at work and at the gym so visited my doctor. Within the next 6 months, life changed.

I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis which is an inflammatory arthritis. Essentially my immune system is mistaking healthy parts of my body for unhealthy and attacking it. I spend a long time on some very horrible treatments whose side effects are horrific. I then have a few organs and my bowel that are all damaged because frankly my immune system is an idiot.

So my situation now is that I manage to walk about 3000 steps a day and anything above that is done in a wheelchair. But then my energy levels are low and end up sleeping most days. My husband is pretty much my carer as my joints are so damaged there is little I can do for myself. My career is over but recently started a casual job doing admin for a disability sports charity.

My docs have offered me a gastric bypass. Which I worry is my only chance and I am too scared to do it. I feel so ill every single day that I can't imagine adding malnutrition to that. I aren't strong enough mentally at the minute. My docs have made it clear losing weight won't help my health. But I would have a much smaller wheelchair and look better in it ha.

I am just scared that this simply can't be done. That I will get overwhelmed by daily life. I often sleep through meals then eat junk and binge eat. They are my main problems. Meals are actually quite healthy as my family all eat healthy and are all healthy weights. I eat in secret a lot.

So from today I commit to use the site and try and find the support to do this. And obviously returning the support. So would love other people on board who understand.

Replies

  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    edited March 2018
    First, don't give up. The truth is that medical progress on every front is happening very fast. Count your calories and be prepared for a great future.
  • davidylin04
    davidylin04 Posts: 26 Member
    edited March 2018
    It sounds to me like you have unusual challenges on your journey to health. I think my standard advice still applies here though: build up to new things, reinforce strong habits, celebrate small victories, and always get back on the horse. Much luck to you, I hope you keep an eye on the goal of being good to others and yourself.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    You don't have to exercise to lose weight--just stay within your daily calorie goal. Get a digital food scale and weigh and measure everything you eat and drink. You can be successful and feel better. Good luck.
  • concordancia
    concordancia Posts: 5,320 Member
    First, you need to figure out why you are eating in secret. It is likely emotional but which emotions? I deserve this for all my suffering, I am frustrated at everything, so I am going to calm myself down with chocolate, I'm bored because I can't do what I would usually do...

    Then you need to find new ways to address those emotions. If boredom, maybe make phone calls or post funny memes on the internet, or start coloring - those adult books are very intricate. If frustration, what are other ways of dealing with the stress, etc.
  • ysache13
    ysache13 Posts: 107 Member
    one day at a time love - I use to be 300 lbs, it's not about working out, it's not about challenges (I just had 3 surgerys a week ago and won't be walking for 2 months) yet I'm losing weight - (oh, I had gone from 300 to 160) but the last 2 yrs I "chose" (imagine that, like you I've always been heavy) but I chose after many many years at 160 to eat because I lost my best friend, got hurt (hence surgeries), and no job now almost 3 yrs because of it, while in pain, had to deal with a crazy woman in court for 1.5 yrs on top of it all AND had a real breakdown, YET I found this site a month ago started this time at 187 and last time a week ago before surgery was 179 and I'm NOT moving, I'm just sitting or laying but I use this site to write, write and write - We all have one another - you're not alone! lower calories and you have to lose, but it's a life long commitment to be honest as it took me 45 yrs when I first lost and now I'm 58 - but even us yo'yoer's can do it! Welcome! I'm here for you
  • carrotsaregood
    carrotsaregood Posts: 57 Member
    It may sound odd but try to develop a hobby that uses your hands. I crochet, color and paint because I like snack eating. The hand projects distract me and keeps my hands too full to eat.
    Also I still feel productive and I don’t feel guilty for laying around and boredom eating.
    I have feet, ankle, and hip problems (mainly due to past injuries and the amount of weight I carry around) and don’t exercise. I believe that diet is the first part of my get healthy plan.
    Good luck and healthy living.
  • Kohanai
    Kohanai Posts: 172 Member
    What you said is tough to admit to others, to yourself. And so I'll say it. I feel the same. I'm scared that the lowest I'll ever get is 200. The irrational side of me jerks around the (usually more conscious) rational side of me and makes me think that my number is the only thing that matters. It makes me think that I'll be fat and unhealthy forever because I'm only 5'5. I get depressed and sad because of it, which affects my will to be different and do better. It's a viscous cycle.

    You, however, have done the two hardest things - starting the journey, and seeking help. Being aware of what your body can handle at the moment. Be scared, be tired, be sad, be angry, and be confused. But just stay open the possibility that you won't always be that way. Try to remember that the stupidest and most cliche phrase really does make sense and is full of truth. Something about climbing a mountain is possible one step at a time.

    This probably isn't the most helpful of posts, but realism is how I roll. You will get overwhelmed. But just try to remember that you aren't alone. And if you just breathe, you'll get through it.
  • nicolehorn0114
    nicolehorn0114 Posts: 51 Member
    Have you had a sleep study done? You probably have sleep apnea.

    I feel for you! I would focus on setting reasonable weight loss goals and using this site to determine a calorie deficit. You can do this!
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  • Seffell
    Seffell Posts: 2,244 Member
    I lost most of my weight (30lbs so far but I started at 165lbs) while I was almost unable to walk (far less than 3000 steps). You don't need to move to lose weight. I was eating at a small deficit, not starving myself and I did it. It took me a long time - 2 years - but that didn't matter because I was eating almost at maintanance so I wasn't deprived very much. Since you weigh more than me your deficit can be bigger and you can lose faster but still slow enough that you don't deprive yourself of treats. I also take breaks at holidays. Just don't push yourself too much. Take it slow and easy. You don't need to be perfect or super consistent everyday or anything of the sort. You only need to be patient and persistent (that is not give up whatever). Eventually you will lose it. It doesn't have to be in one go. All it has to be is moving in the right direction. A couple of pounds now, some more next month. It doesn't matter how many you have to lose. They will ONLY go if you are persistent in the long term.

    You can do it! It is not as hard as you imagine once you get into the habit of logging. Nowadays it takes me a couple of minutes per day to weigh my food and log it.

  • Wendyanneroberts
    Wendyanneroberts Posts: 270 Member
    Can't advise on wether or not you should have a gastric bypass, as I've never had any personal experience.

    But I understand what your going through and can sympathise. My life changed suddenly, with an unexpected physical disability. Since then I've had other health issues, along with developing a different auto immune disease, as well. My weight had become a problem, losing but then regaining excess weight constantly. I understand completely how difficult "living life", suddenly becomes. So would be happy for you to friend me here on mfp, if you feel some mutual support and encouragement might help.

    On the bright side, by using mfp as a tool, I have finally managed to gradually change my eating habits. Joined MFP
    June 2014, for a while. But returned and logged/tracked everything since Apr 2016. Proud of my unbroken 2 year streak. I've drastically improved my blood test results. Although unfortunately weight loss won't improve my physical disability or help with auto immune symptoms. But it does help a little and I'll take any help I can get. Slowly but surely I have managed to lose 3st 7.2lb by diet alone, and just this week I have hit a "healthy" bmi.

    Message me here on mfp if you would like to become MFP pals.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,169 Member
    Welcome to MFP! Be sure to log as accurately as you can every day to hit your calorie goal. And be gentle with yourself. Pain and exhaustion will definitely make your road a little rougher to travel than it otherwise would be, but you are on the right track. Keep coming back to the forums to see how others are doing. Give us updates on how you are doing. We care!
  • robinlynns2
    robinlynns2 Posts: 6 Member
    Hi Andrea! This is my first day on the boards. I’m happy to meet you. Sounds like you have quite a road ahead of you girl. But you know what, You can do this. I’m doing the new Weight Watchers Freestyle program and have lost 22 lbs since The end of January. I’ve been on a diet for about 30 years and have tried different things. Even Weight Watchers a few other times but this new program is awesome. You can find out about the program on Pinterest. I use Weight Watchers Online and I’m going to use this app too. Support is awesome and you can find great recipes too. Anyway, lm hear for you if you need to chat.
  • seska422
    seska422 Posts: 3,217 Member
    Weight loss without exercise takes consistency and time. You won't be perfect and don't expect yourself to be. It can take months to build a comfortable way of eating that leaves you at a calorie deficit.

    I've eaten in secret when I was embarrassed and didn't want other people to know how much I was eating. Logging my food before it went into my mouth shifted the focus from other people to me. Logging gave me ownership of my intake. Each bite is a personal decision and I could choose to take that bite or not. Sometimes I would choose to eat over my calorie goal but, with practice, those over-calorie choices occurred less often.

    I've been overweight to morbidly obese for most of my life. I probably got 2000ish steps per day when I started losing weight on MFP in 2015 at 285 pounds and lost most of my excess weight with that many steps and no exercise. It can be done.

    One thing that helps me between meals is a big mug of hot tea to keep my hands and mouth busy. I slowly reduced the amount of sugar and creamer over time so that my tea is now 0-30 calories per mug depending upon the type.

    Don't try to change everything at once. Craft a way of eating that works for you. My suggestion is that you start by logging what you normally eat for a week or two to gather some data. You can then look back through to see where you might reduce your portions and/or make satisfying substitutions.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    Oh gosh, I feel for you. I have lupus and have had stretches during flares when I was bedridden, in pain, and too tired to stand up. It's so hard not to overeat when eating is the only thing that doesn't hurt!

    Using MFP I have managed to lose 118 lbs - during a break from flares - and I still live in fear that tomorrow I will have a flare and gain it all back. But it does help to have the tools to keep my diet under control by logging.

    What do your doctors say about exercise? Is more exercise good for you, or does it contribute to your inflammation? Can you use something like a recumbent bicycle? It's been my experience that the more you do, the more you can do, but I'm not having to deal with the sort of joint issues that you are.

    My advice is to log everything you eat for one week without trying to change anything, then look at your diet and see what would be easiest to cut without missing it too much. Definitely try losing the conventional way before the gastric - gastric is life saving for some people but it can also have serious complications. And you CAN lose weight by calorie counting.

    I like @seska422 's idea about the tea. For me, really good coffee with flavored extracts and foamed almond milk is the thing. But some really comforting and delicious almost zero calorie treat is a godsend. Of course you overeat when you are miserable and in pain - you aren't going to get far by cutting sources of joy from your life - so work extra hard to find sources to replace food. Getting my fingernails painted a new color is one for me. Listening to music. Or sitting quietly outside watching birds. Anything that makes you happy that isn't food!

    I'll be pulling for you, feel free to add me as a friend.

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