My husband's negative attitude
tamera_g
Posts: 128 Member
have to apologize in advance for complaining. If I talk to anyone in my life about this, it might hurt someone's feelings. So I am asking advice from you out there.
-I have been working out at a gym for over a year. I have gained some muscle but not lost any body fat. I'm consistent in working out but not watching what I eat.
-I have not been to the gym in two weeks because I as well as my kids, have been sick.
-I have never been a small girl. In high school I was a size 10-12 (US size ). Now I am 38 years old and am a size 14-16.
-He wants to take over my weight loss efforts; talk to my trainer, get a pre-diabetes test, know my body fat percentage, and buy all the food.
My question is: should I let him do this? If I refuse, what do I say? Am I being too sensitive? How can I talk to him calmly in a rational discussion?
-I have been working out at a gym for over a year. I have gained some muscle but not lost any body fat. I'm consistent in working out but not watching what I eat.
-I have not been to the gym in two weeks because I as well as my kids, have been sick.
-I have never been a small girl. In high school I was a size 10-12 (US size ). Now I am 38 years old and am a size 14-16.
-He wants to take over my weight loss efforts; talk to my trainer, get a pre-diabetes test, know my body fat percentage, and buy all the food.
My question is: should I let him do this? If I refuse, what do I say? Am I being too sensitive? How can I talk to him calmly in a rational discussion?
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Replies
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It sounds like he's being very controlling.
Do you want to change your eating patterns? I think you'll probably see much greater success in your weight loss if you do than from working out alone.11 -
He can't do it for you and if you have any doubts about it, that level of control is going to be resented real fast.
Your blood sugar levels should be routinely tested as part of your annual physical. Your body fat% probably isn't that important for 95% of us. You need to be responsible for what you eat.
If he wants to control you, get counselling. If he wants to help, come up with a list of suggestions for what he can do that you actually find helpful. Be aware that you might end up saying "I thought that would be helpful, but it is actually getting on my nerves." Could he take care of the kids while you go to the gym? Weigh out snacks for you while you do some other food prep? Be a partner in creating a meal plan?12 -
It sounds like he's being very controlling.
Do you want to change your eating patterns? I think you'll probably see much greater success in your weight loss if you do than from working out alone.
Perhaps.... There's 2 sides to every story though.
OP, is his attitude negative or concerned for your health? You give no stats besides size (and that's hard to envision as our sizing system is different)10 -
Great advice from both of you. Thanks. I will try these.
Yes I do truly want to change.0 -
I am 5'6"(1.68m) and 85kgs(190lbs.). My muscle mass has gone up but my body fat percentage has stayed the same.0
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Have you vented your frustrations to him? Is he maybe just trying to help? Maybe trying to take some of the pressure off, or check other options?
From your first post, it really just sounds like, you are trying to lose weight, it's not happening, and so he is trying to be helpful..... he might be doing it in a "controlling" way, without meaning to....
Don't really know the dynamics of your relationship.6 -
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Who wants to be a project?5
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No, other than "I'm going to the gym the kids are in the X room, bye"
Although if he wants to be the one to take over shopping, then go for it! With the stipulation that HE should deal with any kid whining about "where is X food?"2 -
He could be trying to be helpful. I pack my huband's lunches for him and cook most evenings (I weigh and measure and log for us both too) because I know he finds it easier if I do this for us.
If you have been logging for over a year and complaining you have not lost any weight etc he could be trying to help. However if you don't like this idea I'd suggest you tell him nicely "no, thank you" and next time you feel frustrated at having not lost weight, keep it to yourself. Nothing is more frustrating than hearing continuous complaints about something like lack of weight loss when the person refuses to change eating habits and refuses help.
For the people who say hes controlling, it may be the case, but bear in mind OP has been attending the gym for over a year and he is only now offering to take over efforts to help. Maybe he is genuinely concerned and wants to ensure there is no medical reason behind the lack of weight loss.7 -
What is his reason for wanting to take over? Ultimately you have to do this, what if he pushes you to hard / a level you are not comfortable with? Will you continue or abandon your goals?2
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have to apologize in advance for complaining. If I talk to anyone in my life about this, it might hurt someone's feelings. So I am asking advice from you out there.
-I have been working out at a gym for over a year. I have gained some muscle but not lost any body fat. I'm consistent in working out but not watching what I eat.
-I have not been to the gym in two weeks because I as well as my kids, have been sick.
-I have never been a small girl. In high school I was a size 10-12 (US size ). Now I am 38 years old and am a size 14-16.
-He wants to take over my weight loss efforts; talk to my trainer, get a pre-diabetes test, know my body fat percentage, and buy all the food.
My question is: should I let him do this? If I refuse, what do I say? Am I being too sensitive? How can I talk to him calmly in a rational discussion?
How do you know your body fat is the same and you have more muscle mass if you haven't gotten your body fat done?2 -
There seems to be some disconnect here. In your OP you say your husband wants to help or "take over" your weight loss, but your title says he has a "negative attitude". What's the negative part? Personally, anyone wanting to take over any part of my life would be a negative, but I'm not going to judge anyone else. Further info would be helpful.1
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have to apologize in advance for complaining. If I talk to anyone in my life about this, it might hurt someone's feelings. So I am asking advice from you out there.
-I have been working out at a gym for over a year. I have gained some muscle but not lost any body fat. I'm consistent in working out but not watching what I eat.
-I have not been to the gym in two weeks because I as well as my kids, have been sick.
-I have never been a small girl. In high school I was a size 10-12 (US size ). Now I am 38 years old and am a size 14-16.
-He wants to take over my weight loss efforts; talk to my trainer, get a pre-diabetes test, know my body fat percentage, and buy all the food.
My question is: should I let him do this? If I refuse, what do I say? Am I being too sensitive? How can I talk to him calmly in a rational discussion?
Regardless of the answers to my previous post, this here (bold) is your answer. If YOU want to change, then you need to closely track your calorie intake. Keep up with the workouts, but if you don't take control of your calorie intake then you'll probably burn out due to lack of progress.3 -
BZAH10 At the gym I go to, there is a scale that tells you body fat and muscle mass. I just haven't gone in a few weeks because of sickness.2
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My question is: should I let him do this? If I refuse, what do I say? Am I being too sensitive? How can I talk to him calmly in a rational discussion?
Do you want to let him do this? Do you think it will be a good idea for your marriage, or is it likely to be a source of friction if you disagree on what you should be doing? Do you think will be good for your fitness goals? Does he have any knowledge or experience that qualifies him to take over your weight loss efforts?
I don't think your being too sensitive. At a minimum, all people should have autonomy over their bodies and not have to cede control of it to anyone else.
As for your second and fourth questions, if you don't know how to tell your husband no or how to have a calm, rational discussion with your husband, you have problems that go far beyond your weight control issues. If you say no thank your and tell him honestly whatever your misgivings are, what do you think his response is going to be? Anger?2 -
I feel like there's more to this story. Do you constantly complain to him about failing to lose weight, while refusing to watch what you eat and buying a bunch of fattening food? How does he feel about the way you look? Are family members diabetic, or is there another reason for this specific fear? How much are you paying this trainer, and what results are you seeing?
I do understand being frustrated with someone who claims to want to lose weight while doing the opposite. My mom has been saying she's trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember while complaining that she keeps eating fries and chocolate as if they mugged her in a parking lot, instead of her driving her car to buy them. It's tempting to try to intervene.
Regardless, if you don't feel like doing it, no one else can do it for you. Also, you're an adult. You shouldn't be so concerned that you might hurt someone's feelings. You were treated like a child, you don't have to be polite when you respond. It's okay to be polite, if you want to be. But the world will not end if you say what's on your mind.6 -
I think this entirely depends on your relationship with your husband, and only you can be the judge of that. For me, if my husband offered to help me I would jump at the chance of him cooking me good healthy food and making sure there was no nibbly junk in the house by doing the shopping. It would be coming from a place of love that he saw I was struggling and wanted to help me and shoulder the burden of the planning. However, the way you have worded your post it sounds like everything would be a point for argument... So really, only you can judge how this is going to end for you both. If you don't feel that you can sit down and have a heart to heart with your own husband, and need to ask a bunch of internet strangers about it then I don't think it's going to work. Good luck with your decision.0
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There are always two sides to every story. Have you noticed yourself expressing frustration over not being able to achieve progress? Seeing a partner constantly frustrated or spinning their wheels can be straining and frustrating in its own right because you want them to succeed. I'm the "fixer" type and I have to consciously make myself back off. What tone did he use when he offered to take over? Was it an angry tone? a supportive tone? A frustrated tone? A controlling tone? Does he exhibit alarming control patterns outside of this topic? Is he getting suckered into fear mongering information sources? How is your health?
Too much is unclear here to give you specific advice, but I suggest trying to see it from his perspective first in order to have a healthy discussion with him about it. We often get so wrapped up in our own inner world and what is being "done to us" that we forget other people have their inner world too and feel like things are being "done to them". I'm not saying in any way that you're at fault and he is not or vice versa, it's just that real communication that involves true listening and compassion goes a long way in dissipating many conflicts or at least making good decisions (which could be happy or unpleasant) based on what really is happening not on the over-dramatized version our brains tend to tell us.4 -
It's possible that when you started at the gym with a trainer, that he expected the trainer to get your nutrition under control, so you would lose weight and better your health. Now he sees, after over a year, that it didn't happen. So, I'd say he's trying a different tactic. None of us want to be strong-armed into doing something (even if we should for our own good). Do you think he's doing this because he loves you and is concerned? Or, is he just a controlling type? Only you can answer. Maybe agree to make a doctor's appointment and have a complete checkup. If your doctor says you're fine you can both talk to your husband about your health and fitness goals. Good luck.1
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Support your own happiness levels firstly. Accept that you are trying your best and ditch the guilt when you don't get to the gym. Family is important too. This should like a weight off your mind.
Try to find a way of thanking your partner for his input whilst voicing your need to do this your way. I suspect he sees your unhappiness about weight loss results and is trying to step in.
If you have carried extra body fat for some time, then all those fat cells will have their own blood supply etc. It will take time to reduce the fat in those cells, and for the cells to die off. Take your time to review your routine, talk openly about your struggles and expectations with a proper instructor/nutritionalist. Be aware that us ladies have to fight the hormonal fluctuations too which can make it harder to restructure the body. Not impossible though! So keep your faith honey you will inevitably succeed if you stick with it.
Best of luck.2 -
Difference between helping and taking control. The later not such o good idea but is this what you want? Are you trying to appease him?
Does he not work to have so much time to manage you too?
You never really mentioned logging and tracking your intake.
Are YOU not mentally ready to do all that it takes but HE is?0 -
have to apologize in advance for complaining. If I talk to anyone in my life about this, it might hurt someone's feelings. So I am asking advice from you out there.
-I have been working out at a gym for over a year. I have gained some muscle but not lost any body fat. I'm consistent in working out but not watching what I eat.
-I have not been to the gym in two weeks because I as well as my kids, have been sick.
-I have never been a small girl. In high school I was a size 10-12 (US size ). Now I am 38 years old and am a size 14-16.
-He wants to take over my weight loss efforts; talk to my trainer, get a pre-diabetes test, know my body fat percentage, and buy all the food.
My question is: should I let him do this? If I refuse, what do I say? Am I being too sensitive? How can I talk to him calmly in a rational discussion?
When you say take over you weight loss efforts do you mean dominate how you lose weight totally? Or is he trying to collaborate with you in a loving healthy manner?
If he is trying to dominate you I would kindly resist his behavior. If he is being caring and helpful allow him to help you out. Based off the information you stated above about him talking to your trainer and getting medical assessments and buying all the food he seems domineering and insensitive. If this is the case no you’re not being too sensitive. I wouldn’t not speak to him, but trying writing him a letter or email about how his efforts make you feel. Then talk to him about it afterwards. This approach is less confrontational and opens up the door for discussion. Hope this helps! It worked for me when I crashed my moms car in high school0 -
Don't do it. This sounds like a recipe for disaster. You're a grown woman. Why does he need to talk to your trainer? Does he think he knows better than a trained professional? On the other hand, I think it would be wonderful if this was something you could do together. Let him do it with you, not TO you.0
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If you think that he is really trying to help, then you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. You can tell him that you know he means well, but his approach isn't going to work for you. Suggest other ways that he can help instead. If he truly does mean well, then he should want to offer support that's actually helpful to you.
Your post makes it sound as though you feel that he's trying to be controlling rather than helpful, though. Does he have a history of controlling behavior? Do you often feel that he's trying to take over your personal choices? If so, then I think this is more than just a disagreement over how to lose weight, and I'd recommend doing some hard thinking about your relationship and whether or not you're happy in it.1 -
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