Dear Pets:

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jdelisle
jdelisle Posts: 1,050 Member
in Chit-Chat
Dear Pets:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollar for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Replies

  • jdelisle
    jdelisle Posts: 1,050 Member
    Options
    Dear Pets:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

    1. Eat less
    2. Don't ask for money all the time
    3. Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don't smoke or drink
    8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don't want to wear your clothes
    10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollar for college.

    And finally,

    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
  • charliesgold
    charliesgold Posts: 235 Member
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    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    That made me laugh until I cried, I can't count the amount of times i've stair surfed trying not to fall on my face after a quick black flash takes off in front of me!
  • wender
    wender Posts: 38
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    Loves it. :love:

    I like the part about selling their children. At times, I've actually considered selling my own kids, but it's actually much easier to get someone to take a cute little kitten or puppy! Go figure.....


    Thanks for the laugh
  • MisoSoup79
    MisoSoup79 Posts: 517
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    In my house, no meal is complete without a cathair or doghair garnish!
  • magichatter06
    magichatter06 Posts: 3,593 Member
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    Speaking of pets....this has furiated me!

    But my next door neighbor (who I don't know lol) accused my cat!!!!! of "messing" in his area and clearly I do not let my cat outside EVER and plus, cats are discrete about where they "mess" as where dogs go WHEVER and I even mentioned about a puppy I have seen "mess" around our area and he didn't have none of that, he said it was a cat!....I asked him what color and he thought and said "yellow" and I said "mine is black and white, you can check if you want!" haha

    :explode: people!

    haha
  • janiebeth
    janiebeth Posts: 2,509 Member
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    This is great - can so relate!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Another for the list:

    "just because my toes look like a mouse when they suddenly appear under the bed, does not mean they are fair game - I need to be able to walk to get your food.."

    thanks for posting - very funny
  • magichatter06
    magichatter06 Posts: 3,593 Member
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    This is great - can so relate!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Another for the list:

    "just because my toes look like a mouse when they suddenly appear under the bed, does not mean they are fair game - I need to be able to walk to get your food.."

    thanks for posting - very funny

    haha my kitty does that too! :laugh:
  • Hanna1983
    Hanna1983 Posts: 251
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    Dear Hugo & Henry,

    1) Just because YOU wake up at 4am in the morning, it does not mean you can sneak into my bed and order me to stroke your bellies until my alarm finally goes off... 3 1/2 hours later! :grumble:

    2) The breakfast bar is NOT a CATWALK !

    3) The cat food I buy you is more expensive than anything that ever lands on my plate, so paws off!

    4) Please stop stealing my car keys, you do not have a valid driving licence anyway! :huh:

    And finally...

    this does not work

    puss-in-boots.jpg

    I can resist for at least 5 minutes.
  • renae77
    renae77 Posts: 3,394 Member
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    I love your post and I can relate to it.
    My cat doesn't realize that my lap is not a bath tub either. As soon as she sits down on us, she starts taking her bath.
    And the toilet (bathroom sink or bathtub) is her bed. But mainly the toilet. Everytime we have to use the bathroom she is sleeping on the toilet, with the lid up and her tail in it! It is also her drinking fountain.
  • porka29
    porka29 Posts: 868 Member
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    I can so relate to these!!!

    Also, a random walk to the kitchen does not mean I'm getting you treats!:bigsmile:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I love your post. I can definitely relate. I'm a mom to Andre' and a grandma to Judy. I love the bathroom part. Andre' thinks he has to be able to see me while I'm using the bathroom because I might go in there and disappear. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Gotta love 'em.
  • Frost
    Frost Posts: 312 Member
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    This is a very funny thread! Thanks for starting it. Benny is a blind Boston Terrier who has to sit right outside the bathroom door and stare in my direction. If I close the door his nose is stuck to the door and he oinks like a pig.

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