A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM -humor

although my workouts have never been like this, thank goodness( I LOVE WORKIN OUT! )...thought I'd pass it along for those of you that may have experienced something similiar in the 'beginning'...:huh: and needed a good laugh:bigsmile:

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo-Hoo!! Belinda gave
me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
garbage too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny person to find
me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine, which I
sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little twirp) will choose a gift for me that is fun -
- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!

:laugh:

Under Friday's entry, it mentions that the drama coach or the choir director would have made a softer landing - what if I'm both?!?!? Hee-hee.