Advice on surviving a toxic relationship and finding happiness again

SaraJ429
SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
edited November 26 in Motivation and Support
I am 28 years old and ended an extremely toxic 4-year long relationship back in July 2017. While our breakup provided me a lot of relief emotionally, I really struggled in the aftermath. On top of the breakup, I have always struggled with really bad anxiety and depression. My struggles in the past have been so difficult that it's a miracle to me that I can now lead a relatively normal life today (something I never thought possible). To cope with the breakup, I threw myself into dating immediately and soon found myself another boyfriend. He's a great guy but my current emotional state, along with not correctly addressing my demons, meant the relationship was doomed. I spent nearly ALL my free time reading dating advice, dating books, those "how to capture a soulmate" type books, reading my horoscope obsessively, analyzing every aspect of my dating and romantic life and driving my friends crazy by constantly asking for advice.

I recently asked a college friend (he's a therapist) for advice on what he thinks I should do to move forward. The advice he gave was pretty solid. I will summarize below.

1) Don't use a relationship as a means to fill an emotional void or to complete yourself. If you're unhappy with yourself, you cannot be truly happy with another person.
2) Stop the pity party - Instead of feeling sorry for yourself about being single and what you've been through, work on your relationship with yourself.
3) Work on yourself and your confidence issues - What you are or think you are is what you will attract. If you don’t value yourself and if you are emotionally unavailable, you will attract people that enforce these beliefs.
4) Find yourself and learn to be happy being alone - Make sure you want a relationship for the right reasons, not just to fill a void or make you feel better about yourself. You also need to develop a firm sense of who you are and learn how to be happy without a relationship.
5) Work on healing old wounds

So my question for you is HOW do this do this? I am not looking for a relationship but looking to love myself. I have already tried talk therapy and it was not for me. I am doing the obvious things like focusing on the gym, opening my own Etsy shop, spending time with my friends and family and planning fun things. I am VERY lucky to have a great career, financial stability and amazing support system.

Yet I am hitting on standstill and still feel restless. Is this sufficient? Do I need to give it more time? Needless to say, I am very impatient.

Replies

  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    It sounds like you have become very self-aware at this point, which might not feel great but IS pretty great as some people never reach that stage and 28 is pretty young! Good for you.

    If you're already in therapy with someone other than your friend, I think that is great. His advice was good, but no substitute for an impartial pro! If you're not, I would definitely advise it, to get past all of this stuff with the toxic relationship but also just to help even more with your depression and anxiety. That's bound to help all areas of your life. I have generalized anxiety disorder and have sought counseling a few times and found some therapists/counselors a MUCH better fit for me than others. So if you have tried someone, don't be afraid to switch if it is not really helping.

    Anyway, with that said...I think there are a lot of practical everyday things that can help. You already named some of them, and sound like you are good at self-care and on the right track. This might sound a little odd or dumb, but for me when I was going through my biggest breakup(s) in my twenties the BEST thing I did was either moving to a new place (especially if you lived together with the ex-boyfriend), or just getting new furniture/bedding that didn't remind me of being in that relationship. Even things like listening to entirely new music, changing my hairstyle a bit...all made me feel less trapped in past cycles of thinking. Sorry if that sounds silly, but figured it was worth mentioning as it made a big impact for me.
  • dsboohead
    dsboohead Posts: 1,899 Member
    First.... <3 《《《HUGS》》》
    This is gonna take time and you are doing the right things! 4 years of "bad" and you think you should be healed after 10 months?!
    Bad was your normal and restructuring a new normal under your own volition is work. Keep busy and do not look for new romantic relationships cause you are building a healthy you! Keep it up....be positive!
  • KeepGoing2018
    KeepGoing2018 Posts: 18 Member
    Yes, first...hug yourself and pat yourself on the back! You are brilliant, amazing and courageous. It is often difficult to break free from situations we have "grown" into. You should be proud of yourself that you were able to stand up, stand back and do what was best.

    I cannot speak of personal experience, but the small amount of progress I have noticed in myself, however small or fleeting, has come from affirmations and meditation recordings. Literally telling myself and reminding myself that I am lovable, etc.

    You are so young and have such a long, wonderful life ahead of you. Please do not spend one more minute looking back or one more moment thinking of yesterday. Live for you, today! People who love and cherish us should never make us hurt. Period. And trust me....you will never, ever run out of men. They shouldn't be a necessity anyways. More of an accessory! lol just kidding, just kidding. Or am I??? o:)

    Best of luck to you! <3
  • Renonelarock
    Renonelarock Posts: 44 Member
    I left a toxic marriage with who I thought was the love of life, hell he could even still be, but he struggled with many demons and I couldn’t change or fix him. I cried for months gained forty+ lbs and wallowed in my misery . One day while still in grief induced depression unable to make it a day without crying I decided to change. Just for me . To make my focus on gym and eating and doing things for me. This looked like a cvs hairmask and face mask every Sunday , blow dries when I could afford it. And a gym membership. As I worked out all my sadness frustration and anger and anxiety about the situation it slowly hurt less. I’m not here to tell you it doesn’t hurt at all or I don’t cry or get mad but the endorphins from working out and feeling better from eating right takes my focus away . I hope this helps. One day you will wake up and breathe . It will hurt less you will move on . You won’t feel that heavy knot in your heart or throat I promise .
  • Renonelarock
    Renonelarock Posts: 44 Member
    Self care and love means exactly that, creating the action . Not talking about it but doing it . Making an effort to say I’m gonna love myself and treat myself the way I deserve to be treated and loved, that also means being comfortable alone, and embracing the pain
  • 2aycocks
    2aycocks Posts: 415 Member
    Get a good therapist and let them work with you on these issues. They can help you deal with the anxiety problem, work through old crapola, and set new goals and a plan on how to achieve them. Going through counseling when I was your age was the most valuable things I've ever done. I learned things and acquired tools that have served me well for several decades. You can do this!!
  • SaraJ429
    SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
    KeepGoing2018 wrote: »
    Yes, first...hug yourself and pat yourself on the back! You are brilliant, amazing and courageous. It is often difficult to break free from situations we have "grown" into. You should be proud of yourself that you were able to stand up, stand back and do what was best.

    I cannot speak of personal experience, but the small amount of progress I have noticed in myself, however small or fleeting, has come from affirmations and meditation recordings. Literally telling myself and reminding myself that I am lovable, etc.

    You are so young and have such a long, wonderful life ahead of you. Please do not spend one more minute looking back or one more moment thinking of yesterday. Live for you, today! People who love and cherish us should never make us hurt. Period. And trust me....you will never, ever run out of men. They shouldn't be a necessity anyways. More of an accessory! lol just kidding, just kidding. Or am I??? o:)

    Best of luck to you! <3

    What kind and lovely words!! Exactly What I needed to hear... I really hope you're right about my future. Thank you!!
  • jacesmom4930
    jacesmom4930 Posts: 25 Member
    You are on the right track! Hang in there! Loving yourself and healing your own wounds takes time. Each loving thing you do for yourself is one step closer.

    The one piece of advice I would give....stop “poking” the hurt to see if it still hurts. It slows down the healing process.

    You are strong enough and have more than enough love for yourself.

    Hugs!
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    You have started. Establishing short term goals is a step towards self-love. You should expand on it and establish long-term goals. Financial, career, material acquisition, travel, fitness, retirement, and whatever else you want. Who do you want to be, have, have experienced, etc. years down the road? Making your future happy should be a priority as well as your present. Don't get me wrong. Life will get in the way of some of it and you will make changes but you shouldn't have to give up on everything entirely especially not for some man. Relationships should help us get to our personal goals as well as mutual goals not hurt. Having a strong sense of self will help you know if someone is compatible with you or not if/when the time comes.

    For the other steps, I wouldn't know where to begin to advise. I wish you the absolute best though.
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