Advice on finding happiness after a toxic breakup

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SaraJ429
SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
in Chit-Chat
I am 28 years old and ended an extremely toxic 4-year long relationship back in July 2017. While our breakup provided me a lot of relief emotionally, I really struggled in the aftermath. On top of the breakup, I have always struggled with really bad anxiety and depression. My struggles in the past have been so difficult that it's a miracle to me that I can now lead a relatively normal life today (something I never thought possible). To cope with the breakup, I threw myself into dating immediately and soon found myself another boyfriend. He's a great guy but my current emotional state, along with not correctly addressing my demons, meant the relationship was doomed. I spent nearly ALL my free time reading dating advice, dating books, those "how to capture a soulmate" type books, reading my horoscope obsessively, analyzing every aspect of my dating and romantic life and driving my friends crazy by constantly asking for advice.

I recently asked a college friend (he's a therapist) for advice on what he thinks I should do to move forward. The advice he gave was pretty solid. I will summarize below.

1) Don't use a relationship as a means to fill an emotional void or to complete yourself. If you're unhappy with yourself, you cannot be truly happy with another person.
2) Stop the pity party - Instead of feeling sorry for yourself about being single and what you've been through, work on your relationship with yourself.
3) Work on yourself and your confidence issues - What you are or think you are is what you will attract. If you don’t value yourself and if you are emotionally unavailable, you will attract people that enforce these beliefs.
4) Find yourself and learn to be happy being alone - Make sure you want a relationship for the right reasons, not just to fill a void or make you feel better about yourself. You also need to develop a firm sense of who you are and learn how to be happy without a relationship.
5) Work on healing old wounds

So my question for you is HOW do this do this? I am not looking for a relationship but looking to love myself. I have already tried talk therapy and it was not for me. I am doing the obvious things like focusing on the gym, opening my own Etsy shop, spending time with my friends and family and planning fun things. I am VERY lucky to have a great career, financial stability and amazing support system.

Yet I am hitting on standstill and still feel restless. Is this sufficient? Do I need to give it more time? Needless to say, I am very impatient.
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Replies

  • Deisler26
    Deisler26 Posts: 357 Member
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    Impatience and healing are two exclusive states. You can’t have both. That’s the sad truth.
  • SaraJ429
    SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
    edited May 2018
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    Deisler26 wrote: »
    Impatience and healing are two exclusive states. You can’t have both. That’s the sad truth.

    That's what I was afraid of :(

    Edit: Also I want to add that I journal almost daily and have been in therapy for the last 6 months before I ended it because it no longer felt like a useful tool. I have done both talk therapy and CBT in the past with a few well-regarded psychologists which is how I was able to see it's really not my thing. I also take medication for my anxiety/depression which has helped immensely. Since I am addressing my mental health, I'd like to find a way to address my other issues.
  • caco_ethes
    caco_ethes Posts: 11,962 Member
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    I should add she posted it as a weight loss video but she covers much more than that
  • kaizaku
    kaizaku Posts: 1,039 Member
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    Only time will heal. You rush into things, it's bound to fail. If you want to love yourself. Do the things you wanted to do. Make a diary, a bucket list of the things you like. And do things in your own terms.
  • justkris_gettingfit
    justkris_gettingfit Posts: 239 Member
    edited May 2018
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    I agree with everything your friend said, but I'd also like to point out something you need to ask yourself (because it's what gave me my ah-ha! moment). WHERE do these feelings stem from?

    Example: All of my relationships have not been healthy. I was desperate to be accepted and loved, due to my toxic relationship with my mother growing up, never being good enough, and being a "*kitten* up" as she put it. I was an easy target.

    Once you are able to pin point where those negative feelings about yourself came from, you can start talking it through with yourself to overcome it. Quotes have been a huge part of my healing. When I start to feel down and go into my rabbit hole, there are a few that I say as a mantra to myself till I climb out of it. I also say them to myself when I'm feeling insecure or self depreciating.

    It takes time to change the way you think, but its not impossible.

    EDIT: I missed the part you said talk therapy wasn't for you, but I'll leave this up for someone it might be helpful to.

    You can do as many positive things you want, but if your thought process is the same as before, there can be no real change. You can mask it, but it will always be there until you get to the root of it.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    I dealt with a toxic relationship in not the healthiest way. But it’s my choices and here I am.

    The first year was a write off. I didn’t know myself or trust myself. I would do whatever people told me what to do. So my advice to you is spend as much time as you need to recover your essential soul.

    The following twenty years was busy raising my children and staying involved in volunteer work. It was satisfying but I did not deal with the relationship issue. Children were a handy shield and I didn’t need to try too hard to dissuade any interest. You don’t have to go in limbo for twenty years.

    I was still clueless about dating and I don’t do the bar scene. Dating services were just starting to be a thing. People told me to follow my interests and I would find like minded guys but frankly all my interests are so effeminate.

    So it was a dating service and I was still a mess, needy, and wound up tighter than a drum. He took me as I was anyways.

    One thing I learned from my hubby is that it is OK to be your own person with your own goals and dreams. When I have come to him with a new big personal goal he says “sure” and gets out of my way. It’s not exactly a cheering section but it is a pretty big deal to be allowed to be yourself. One smart thing I did was warn him that I would be a hot mess for a year or so. I underestimated. It was more like three. He loves me anyways.

    I am my best in a relationship if I keep positive and don’t dive too deep in to introspection. There was some time needed to figure myself out but then, it’s time to enter the land of the living.

    Boy that was a ramble. Kudos if you stuck it out so far. I guess I could sum it up by saying, know yourself but don’t obsess about it. Let your dates be themselves and allow yourself the same freedom. You don’t have to wait around forever but do give yourself decent recovery time. What great activities define you?
  • SaraJ429
    SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
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    justkris_gettingfit wrote: »
    I agree with everything your friend said, but I'd also like to point out something you need to ask yourself (because it's what gave me my ah-ha! moment). WHERE do these feelings stem from?

    Example: All of my relationships have not been healthy. I was desperate to be accepted and loved, due to my toxic relationship with my mother growing up, never being good enough, and being a "*kitten* up" as she put it. I was an easy target.

    These feelings definitely come from suffering from anxiety as a kid and never really feeling like I fit in when I was younger. I felt lonely a lot growing up. It really wasn't until I graduated high school that I developed a strong circle of friends. I was also a really awkward kid. I didn't grow into my looks and become "pretty" until my freshman year of high school. I think all this led me to feel I was unworthy and undeserving of a happy and normal life.
  • zumbalinda22
    zumbalinda22 Posts: 182 Member
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    Maybe you could ask your therapist friend what he thinks about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) . I looked at the video above and it's a bit in that vein. CBT uses exercises to help you discover what your "automatic" thoughts are and how you can re-train yourself to think differently (generally more positively). That's a very abridged description, but it's used to treat anxiety and depression and it might be worth a look. It's not just "talking" to a therapist; it's taking actions to re-shape your thinking process. Anyway, I've been doing this and have felt like I've made real progress in improving the quality of my life. Ask your friend to explain it better! Whatever you choose to do, good luck and don't quit on yourself!
  • SaraJ429
    SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
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    jgnatca wrote: »
    What great activities define you?

    I have lots of hobbies! I love to read, do CrossFit, kayak, go to the beach, run outside and go out to dinner. My big hobby now is jewelry making. I loved it as a kid and recently started up again. It turns out I have quite a talent for it...I get TONS of compliments on what I make. I have always had a knack for design so I am glad I get to turn it into a hobby. Hence the Etsy shop :)

  • midlomel1971
    midlomel1971 Posts: 1,283 Member
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    There is no such thing as soulmates and horoscopes are worthless.
  • gcibsthom
    gcibsthom Posts: 30,145 Member
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    It sounds like you have a lot going on other than just the toxic breakup....your issues seem to have started long before you ever got into a relationship. You seem to want to know how to love yourself...because if you can't love you, how will anyone else...(you may also be stuck in this fantasy that you need a relationship to be a whole person...).
    I think your college friend had good advice for you. Learn to be you...a whole person...first. Then, go on and look for someone if you feel the need..But only if YOU want it, not because society or a parent taught you that you HAD to have a relationship....
  • LittleLionHeart1
    LittleLionHeart1 Posts: 3,655 Member
    edited May 2018
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    caco_ethes wrote: »
    This girl has a lot of videos about the law of attraction that might help you learn how to accomplish those things. Check her out, I think she lays it out pretty clearly.

    https://youtu.be/X4n-KwLfPK0

    Very smart girl. :)
    Edit:
    Create vision.
    Thought
    Feeling
    Action
  • SaraJ429
    SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
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    caco_ethes wrote: »
    This girl has a lot of videos about the law of attraction that might help you learn how to accomplish those things. Check her out, I think she lays it out pretty clearly.

    https://youtu.be/X4n-KwLfPK0

    Listening to this now. Thanks for sharing :)
  • SaraJ429
    SaraJ429 Posts: 50 Member
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    LittleLionHeart1 wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    This girl has a lot of videos about the law of attraction that might help you learn how to accomplish those things. Check her out, I think she lays it out pretty clearly.

    https://youtu.be/X4n-KwLfPK0

    Very smart girl. :)
    Edit:
    Create vision.
    Thought
    Feeling
    Action

    Yeah I loved it!
  • CaptainFantastic01
    CaptainFantastic01 Posts: 9,558 Member
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    https://vocaroo.com/i/s17oWQBWqbY7
    From someone who was ready to end it
  • curves198218
    curves198218 Posts: 9 Member
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    I feel like I need to talk to guys to feel happier, it's like I'm desperate for approval and attention

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