Super snark joke thread. . Need some entertainment. .

okay I got a few funnies:

1) At the gym there is an older guy (maybe in his 40's) that is a very large fellow. He always comes in with a book, walks slowly on the treadmill reading for 10 minutes, then says "Whew!!" and leaves.

2) I was just talking about how inconvienent it is that the "D" and "S" are right next to each other on the keyboard. You know how many times I've accidentally typed "Thanks for the *kitten*" or "Feel free to *kitten* me!"???? embarrassing. LOL

what do you call a turtle with a boner? a slow poke!

two pretzels were walkin down the street... one was assaulted!

This is the only real joke I know from beginning to end:

A guy comes home from work and as he pulls into the driveway he sees his wife's car blocking the garage with its hood up. He goes into the house
Husband: "Honey, why is the car sitting there w/ the hood up?"
Wife: "Oh, something's wrong w/ it; I was hoping you could take a look at it."
Husband: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench? Take it to a mechanic and get it fixed!"

The next day the same guy comes home from work--the car's still sitting in the driveway (not fixed) and when he walks into the house there are piles of dirty laundry everywhere.
Husband: "Honey, the car's still not fixed and why is there dirty laundry everywhere?"
Wife: "Oh, something's wrong w/ the washing machine. Do you think you can take a look at it?"
Husband: "What do I look like, the Maytag repairman? Call someone to come fix it!"

The next day the guy comes home and the car is in the garage; when he walks into the house the laundry is all clean and folded.
Husband: "Honey I see you took the car to the mechanic and had the appliance repair guy fix the washer."
Wife: "Actually, I met our new neighbor and he fixed both of them for me."
Husband: "Really, what did he charge you?"
Wife: "Well, he said I could either bake him a cherry pie or give him a BJ."
Husband: "So you baked him a pie?"
Wife: "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"