HELP! NEED PERSPECTIVE

dipsl19 · August 2011

okay so backstory: my "cousin" justin has been struggling with addiction. mostly to pills. he went to rehab a month or two ago, but it was outpatient and it doesnt seem like he's really put his life back in order.

his dad is my father's best friend, which is why i call him my cousin. im pretty sure he's known me my whole life, he was 7 when i was born. but all his life he's been trying to be younger than he really is. he's 31, lives with his parents, he's an only child, and he's been coddled and given whatever he wanted his entire life. he's been working at my dad's company for as long as he has worked anywhere, i think.

he has the same job as my uncle, who is the senior sales associate. but basically he is the only one, because justin does NOTHING. i type up contracts and proposals that are in his name, but with my uncle's handwriting. he rarely comes into the office, and when he does he's either hungover or sleeping, or on his cell phone.

at this point, im angry as all hell. i feel like he is STEALING money from my dad and all he has worked for. all the other employees are loyal and hard working, and just sit by and watch it happen. but i've had enough... so...

i wrote a letter that i *think* i will send him. read it and let me know what you think? i tried to be kind, but at the same time harsh enough for him to actually leave the office.

i really dont want negative backlash from my dad or his, but i know they wont say anything and i feel so desperately that i cant sit by and let this happen anymore. its completely unfair...

Justin-

This is kind of awkward, but I feel like I need to say something and it isn’t right to do it out loud in front of everyone at the office. I know what’s been going on with you behind the scenes, your struggle with addiction. Believe me, I have had other people close to me go through a similar thing, so I know what its like and I know how hard it is to get through. It’s a terrible terrible thing. I really feel awful for you and your parents, how hard it must be on you and them.

I sort of feel like you’re really taking advantage of our fathers and their business. I don’t know how much you make, but I know you are taking far more money than you deserve at this point. I type up contracts and proposals that are supposedly yours, yet they’re written by your dad. You barely come into the office, and if you do you’re either passed out behind your desk, manic, on your cell phone talking about partying or some girl, or hungover. I really can’t sit by and let this happen anymore. Now you are threatening what our fathers have worked for for 23 years, and I don’t think its fair or right for you to take from them when you really don’t do your fair share of work. In this economy its tough to keep a business afloat, and you are basically a siphen on the company’s finances. Everyone is silent about it because you’re the boss’s son, but doesn’t it bother you to know that every paycheck is really your father’s hard work? I’m sure it must be hard for you… I know that sometimes I even feel bad working here, like im somehow getting a free ride. But I try to do what’s asked of me and do the work I’m given.

That being said, drug addiction is NOT to be taken lightly. I know you went to rehab a month or two ago, but I don’t think that is enough time to really get your thoughts together and figure out what you want from life. In fact, I don’t think, I KNOW. There have even been times that I have struggled physically and emotionally and have needed time off to just THINK. Be by myself. Realize who I am and what life is really about. If you’re going out all the time with the same people, and trying to come into work when you can, you’re not really focusing on getting well. It just isn’t healthy… for anyone involved.

Please don’t be offended by this. I just really felt like I was quietly watching a situation that I had no control of, and maybe your dad or my dad don’t want to be rude or cross a line by saying something to you, but I feel like we’re both in the same kind of spot in our lives, we’re basically cousins, if I come to you with how im feeling im doing it because I understand, not because I am an adult coming down on you, ya know?

It just really bothers me that you’re not fulfilling your true potential, and I think its morally wrong for you to continue getting paychecks from quality when you’re not truly doing your job. I’m not saying this just because it’s best for the company, but I KNOW it has to be hard on you as well, and that cant make it easy for you to focus on YOU. And you’re your top priority right now. Maybe if you take some time off and “find yourself” (as ridiculous as that sounds) you’ll realize what you want to do and the world can open up for you! Who knows, it may even be a spot back at Quality. I just don’t think it’s the right time or place to be here, and I think that our dads are just being quiet to keep the peace, but in your heart you really know they’d agree with me.

Please don’t hate me, or be embarrassed. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t say a thing, but I feel like I have some kind of perspective on what is the best thing in this situation and I just cant keep quiet about it.

Love,lauren

voluptas63 · August 2011

I read that as:

"You're a bottom feeding addicted sucker that steals from our father's hard work. How could you do such a thing and how do you live with yourself?"

Then I got annoyed. Honestly. If he's truly an addict, he's not going to read it all and he's going to skim. You need to be precise with your wording.

abbigail_r · August 2011

With an addict you need to take out the blame part of it. Let him know you will support him if thats what you are willing to do but this is only going to make him angry and you look bad. It almost makes you sound jealous and I dont think that you are. Write this and then burn it. You will only be causing a fight. Maybe share with him that his addiction is affecting his potential but dont bash his job and accuse him of stealing or using your fathers. Just a suggestion. And remember its okay to be angry, you have that right.

dipsl19 · August 2011

I read that as:

"You're a bottom feeding addicted sucker that steals from our father's hard work. How could you do such a thing and how do you live with yourself?"

Then I got annoyed. Honestly. If he's truly an addict, he's not going to read it all and he's going to skim. You need to be precise with your wording.

haha yeah cause thats WHAT HE IS... and no one is saying anything! its so unjust. someone needs to lay down the law. maybe its not my place but no one is doing anything, just giving him money and pretending everything is alright, thats called ENABLING.

hypotrochoid · August 2011

First off... you have my sympathy. I went through this nonsense with my brother and I know that it isn't easy. I think that your letter is more than reasonable, but I think that you should expect some backlash. If he's in the throes of addiction he's not going to be thinking rationally and his first instinct will probably be to strike back. Make sure that your bases are covered. I'd talk to your dad and uncle- tell them that you're worried and you're going to try to talk to your cousin. Give them a brief rundown *before* you pass the letter on. That way it hopefully won't come back to bite you.

Have you looked into Narcotics Anonymous? They have support for those who are addicted as well as family members. www.nar-anon.org.

Good luck.

dipsl19 · August 2011

With an addict you need to take out the blame part of it. Let him know you will support him if thats what you are willing to do but this is only going to make him angry and you look bad. It almost makes you sound jealous and I dont think that you are. Write this and then burn it. You will only be causing a fight. Maybe share with him that his addiction is affecting his potential but dont bash his job and accuse him of stealing or using your fathers. Just a suggestion. And remember its okay to be angry, you have that right.

the part about this that resonated most with me was "write this and then burn it."

thats probably what i will do, now. maybe this sounds terrible but im not close with him, he's just some loser who is stealing money from my dad. thats literally how i view him... i would have way more sympathy if he was working somewhere else but at this point its his own damn fault. and it isnt my place to be the nurturing, caring person, because its a lie and we dont have that relationship. $:\$

voluptas63 · August 2011

Well, you need to talk to your Dad about it. And if you have already, then it's not your place. If you're not in a position of power within the company, you really have no say in what the company does.

This is the "problem" with family business. They can't separate family from business.

Random_Name · August 2011

tl; dr

MrsM1ggins · August 2011

Why a letter? Why not face to face? Doesn't have to be in the office.

staceyb00 · August 2011

I understand your frustration, however, I think you need to speak with your father about any issues you have concerning his business. If you want to talk with your friend and let him know you are there for him and supportive in his struggles that is great, but what your dad does in his business is, well his business. You have the right to voice your concerns and you should. The letter, to someone not wanting help, will only seem like an attack and if his father protects him like you say - it will only anger his father as well. Talk with your dad and then let him handle it. If he chooses to do nothing and you still can't stand the situation then maybe you need to find work somewhere else. I know it's hard to let things go when you see how it affects the people you love, but each of us have to make our own choices.

eau_de_vie · August 2011

This may be a situation where you need to have a serious conversation with your dad and encourage him to have a serious conversation with Justin's dad. It's hard to read the emotions behind words in a letter, and your intended mood may be misinterpreted. How many things have you read in emails that ticked you off...and the intended mood behind them was nothing like what you thought it was, but you just read it that way? I would not encourage you to send that letter. I would encourage you to have a conversation with your dad, or if you feel comfortable, both bosses.

dragonbug300 · August 2011

I think you could make it shorter and more precise. Focus on the points you want to make:

1) "You're getting an unjust free ride at work and stealing from our fathers." including examples, if possible.
2) "You have an addiction, and I understand it's difficult for you."
3) "Addiction is no excuse for being a bottom-feeder. Get help."

Don't repeat anything. Reduce it to 3 short-to-medium paragraphs if you can. Otherwise you're talking in circles and he probably won't bother focusing on what it is you're trying to say.

Good luck.

wvualum · August 2011

I think it wont help him a bit. Its kind of like losing weight unless he decides he is going to get off the drugs nothing you say is going to help. I agree I would talk to your father and his and tell them your concerns then go from there..

dipsl19 · August 2011

I think it wont help him a bit. Its kind of like losing weight unless he decides he is going to get off the drugs nothing you say is going to help. I agree I would talk to your father and his and tell them your concerns then go from there..

its terrible but my main goal with the letter was to make him quit working. i dont know enough about his addiction to know what hes doing and if he even wants to stop, but i know that the added stress of trying to keep the company's finances in check is killing my dad, and i really just think its liek DUH , all the money thats going to justin would just be in the bank if theyd tell him to take time off. and then he could come back and actually MAKE money for the company, which is what his job is.

idk. i guess im heartless. but ... with addicts, i have no sympathy for enabling them.. you just DONT do that. you let them hit rock bottom and then hope to god they want to change.

silveryflutterby · August 2011

I totally understand why you are frustrated, but I honestly think you are wasting your time with the letter unless you just use it as an outlet to vent and don't send it. The letter will do nothing for him. The only ones who can make a difference in this situation are the enablers (your dad and uncle). Your best bet is to talk to them. You won't get your cousin to stop taking advantage unless they stop LETTING him. My brother is the same way and takes major advantage of my parents and it drives me nuts and I do say things to my parents. They keep saying, "this is the last time we're helping him" and it never is...so my brother keeps taking advantage. I strongly believe that people like this will use you as long as you let them and feel no remorse. I really think the only way to help is stop enabling and make them make it or not on their own...

wickedcricket · August 2011

First & foremost, confide in your father, do NOT leave him out of the loop. The WORST thing you can do and the biggest assistance you can give a junkie is keeping their secret. You both need to contact your local rehab and stage an intervention. You, the fathers, family & friends will have to confront him. You can read him your letter then. YOU read it, so he CAN'T skim or blow it off.
Everyone gets EVERYTHING out in the open and he gets an ultimatum - clean up or else and that means a PROGRAM- in or outpatient but none of this 'I quit on my own' crap. no more enabling. no more secrets & lies. Everybody on the same page.

THIS is the only thing that actually works and sometimes even that doesn't do it.
Rehab seldom works the first time. YOU cannot save this boy; you cannot do it - he can, however drag you and your company down with him.
I am a former user and have dealt with many. I have seen this many many times. Can do it this way or the hard way.
Meanwhile, don't forget about YOUR needs - take care of you
best wishes & good luck, you're gonna need it

Grimmerick · August 2011

Definitely talk to your dad first and then his dad. You need everyone involved for an intervention like that. Especially the people running the company. Let your dad know it's making you crazy and you are sure the other employees feel this way too. It makes your dad and his look bad to let him come and go as he pleases and it can cause resentment among the staff and yourself. That guy knows he is a junkie and not doing his part the problem is he really doesn't care and he will do it as long as they will let him.

dipsl19 · August 2011

thanks guys! i hear what everyone is saying and it all makes sense. i guess i just needed to vent.
i also talked to my mom, because its no secret what is going on with him. shes also best friends with his mom, my "aunt."

anyway. i deleted the letter, i think it helped me enough just to write it, and it was definitely only going to stir up trouble and awkwardness for me.

i dont think i will talk to my dad about it, because hes no dummy, he knows whats going on and likes to be in charge. if it was one of his kids he wouldve been out of here a long time ago, but i guess he wants to let my uncle handle it. but i think things are about to hit the fan again, according to what my mom said to me. and i encouraged her to advise my aunt that justin really needs to take time off, that being at work is not helping him or anyone else

thanks for letting me vent! u guys are the best

HELP! NEED PERSPECTIVE

Replies

Categories