Sabotage??
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jweb007
Posts: 36 Member
Hey all!
So I’m obese, not overweight and decided to change my life in the beginning of May. So far, my efforts are paying off with scale and non-scale victories. I’m quite proud of myself!
My best friend is also obese and is ok with it. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I feel like it’s his new goal to challenge my new routine of working out, walking more, and eating less/better. Things like « you can skip your workout today, you did one yesterday » or « let’s just order a pizza. It’s on me, I insist» or worse « surprise, I bought you a box of 6 donuts ».
I feel like he wants me to go back to not working out and eating garbage because it will make him feel better about himself. Am I crazy??
Anyone have any experience with friends/family sabotaging? How did/do you handle it?
So I’m obese, not overweight and decided to change my life in the beginning of May. So far, my efforts are paying off with scale and non-scale victories. I’m quite proud of myself!
My best friend is also obese and is ok with it. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I feel like it’s his new goal to challenge my new routine of working out, walking more, and eating less/better. Things like « you can skip your workout today, you did one yesterday » or « let’s just order a pizza. It’s on me, I insist» or worse « surprise, I bought you a box of 6 donuts ».
I feel like he wants me to go back to not working out and eating garbage because it will make him feel better about himself. Am I crazy??
Anyone have any experience with friends/family sabotaging? How did/do you handle it?
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Replies
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I feel like he wants me to go back to not working out and eating garbage because it will make him feel better about himself. Am I crazy??
you're spot on. its his issue with himself.
smile and say no thanks, or you'll meet him later or whatever. if it becomes a persistent issue, then you may need to just see a little less of him for a while.
presumably you used to get pizza or sit around with him, so by changing your lifestyle he will feel the change he doesn't want to make. just make sure you invite him next time you get pizza
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My husband has done this to me. Or he will tell me I have an eating disorder. Stay the course. This is why I still let my family have the crap food in the house. If I know it’s there and choose not to eat it, I am able to make the healthy choices on my own2
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It's going to take true grit but lead by example. It's subtle but your friend's insecurities, fears or reluctance for your change could wear you down. Be upfront right out of the chute. Plan what you eat before you go out with your friend. Look them directly in the eye. I'm following my health protocol and I'd like you to help me. I don't know if you live together but if they bring food to your place, you can thank them. If they insist that you try it or keep it, thank them. But you can rid yourself of all food that sabotages you when they're out of sight.
The way you treat yourself sets the standards for others. Take the lead here.
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You do you, you know its working and as the saying goes, if it aint broke....2
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Your friend may not be trying to sabotage your effort to be healthy but may be trying to keep your friendship. If a large portion of the time you spent together was being sedentary, eating a lot and eating less nutritious choices he may see your healthy changes as changes to your relationship.
I would explain why you want to get healthy, let him know that you are cool with him not getting healthy, that you will be friends during and after your healthy change but you need his support and encouraging you away from your goals isn't something a true friend would do. If he can't be supportive he needs to at least not try and get you to quit your healthy changes.11 -
I don't think you're crazy at all. I have two people in my life that I swear sabotage me.
One is my husband. He's probably obese. (I'm obese too lost 50lbs now) and he has actually told me he doesn't want me to get to my goal weight! He brings home junk food and always wants go eat out and go get ice cream. I know he's afraid I'll get some self confidence and leave or something.
The other is a friend of mine. She's not even over weight. But she is always telling me "oh you can eat this extra pizza" "oh just skip your work out" "you can eat this cake" ect.. she is the kind of person who feels threatened by other women and gets jealous. I have a suspicions she'll feel like she needs to complete with me some how if I loose enough weight.1 -
It's not sabotage. Your friend is just doing what he's always done. You need to get used to the fact that you're doing something different...not everyone in your life is going to change just because you are.9
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I agree it's not intentional sabotage. Your actions have triggered the instability in the relationship. Your good behavior is a tacit indictment of his "bad behavior". My wife did this to me. I don't even think she understood that my "thinness" was making her unhappy with herself, she was just unhappy. There is some tricky psychology going on when someone in a relationship changes. I think all you can do is stick to your guns and reassure your friend that your relationship is the same (if you want it to be) with positive statements and affirmations.1
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Thanks for sharing everyone! I ended up calling him last night and hashing it out... and he admitted that he felt insecure that I would end up getting a new life/friends if I lost weight. Which is not the case... your best friend is your best friend for a reason!
To clarify, we’ve never had a « let’s binge on food » relationship. We live 1.5 hours away from each other now (and for the past 2 years) so our relationship is 2-3 phone calls a week and Starbucks or a movie every other weekend, which we still do (only now I have black coffee instead of a Frappuccino). So I thought it was a bit odd that he kept showing up to my place and wanting to hang out 2-3 times a week when normallly we hang out 2-3 times a month!7 -
I’m glad you hashed it out. It’s a lifestyle change for you and that can be hard for loved ones. Don’t let it distract you or discourage you. That is his problem not yours . Hopefully, he can get on board and support you. Otherwise he’ll be left behind along with the weight. Good luck!0
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I have friends and family members that do that to me as well. I’m pretty sure it’s not intentional sabotage but we have to learn that it’s ok to say NO. NO i can’t skip my workout, NO i dont want a donut, And day yes to a healthier us!! Stay strong and who knows maybe your friend will jump on your path if not it’s ok.1
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Yep. I had a friend just like that. Started out with offering me all kinds of high calorie foods, after a while the cruel remarks started in. Hopefully your friend isn't like that. Talk to them and tell them how you feel and how thier actions are making you feel.
Sadly, in success stories "things no one told you about losing weight" there is the ever repeating thread of losing friends. I really hope your friend doesn't end up an ex-friend, so talk to them and be honest.0 -
My mom keeps doing this, taking me out to eat, getting desserts like cakes and ice cream and breads. It really sucks since she’s been visiting I’ve put weight back on and I know it’s because of her influence. Ugh.1
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You are not crazy in the least, and I think you have your reasoning perfect. If you want maybe we can help motivate each other, because my family is not much better.0
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