Starting the weight loss battle over...again!

Well, I am back on the diet rollercoaster and hoping that this time I successfully make a lifestyle change and not just a temporary change in the size of my pants! I am 30 years old and rapidly racing towards 31. I got married a little over a year ago and ever since I met my husband I have gained weight. I had changed my lifestyle, got active and was living a healthy lifestyle - minus the trip to the bar twice a month - and was genuinely happy with myself. I felt pretty even!

When I met my husband I knew that weight and food would be an issue I would stuggle with because my husband is a big man. However, he really wanted to make changes and had lost the weight once before. I believed that he would adopt my lifestyle and we would both be active happy people. We started out doing great. We bought bikes and would ride together all the time - he kicked my butt daily! We walked all the time and even started jogging. It was such a part of our life that he proposed to me on the wooded trail where we excercised during a run - I was so pumped that I had run a mile already and felt like I could run the whole way back too that I was quite irratated that he wanted to stop however, when he got down on one knee and pulled a ring out that I soon forgot about my run!!

Sometime shortly after that...things changed. By the time we got married a year later I had gained 25lbs and we weren't doing anything. I think part of it was that I lost my job and felt really bad about myself instead of understanding that it was the economy, not me. We have tried several times to start eating healthy again, however my husband complains when I make healthy food that it tastes bad. We moved to the mountains in an area that doesn't have walking trails and biking trails that are paved and the terrain is so steep that my husband literally can't do it. He is too insecure to work out downtown, where it is flat, during daylight hours, and we have a baby so that makes it hard too. I live in fear that I am going to be widowed before I am 35 because his health is so poor. I wake at night to listen to his breathing and have dreams that he has had a stroke that wake me crying.

However, I have to take responsibility in this too! I am done waiting on him. I can't wait to workout for him to join me. I can't wait to cook healthy until he is ready to eat healthy. I can't wait to lose weight and live the life I want with my children for him to decide to join me. I have to just do this. I have to be the better me for me, and hope that he chooses to join me on his own. I struggle because he will tell me "I can't do this on my own, I need you to help me! I need you to prepare all of my meals and I need you to be the one to go to the grocery store because I can't fight the temptations." Then, when I do what he says he wants me to he complains and argues with me that he doesn't like it. He refuses to eat chicken anymore because he doesn't like the way I cook it - because it's not fried, breaded or smothered in cheese - and I get so upset. I am just going to cook for me what I want to eat that is healthy and I will make enough for him too. If he wants to eat with me thats great, if not, I will have lunch for the next day.

I need to reinvent ME! I realized the other day that part of my problem is that I am a goal oriented person and have been my entire life. I have a 9 year old who has been my motivator since the day I found out I was pregnant with him. I never intended on being a single mom and I wanted to make the most of myself and our life for him. I got through school, got a great job, got married, and we just bought a house. Those are all huge things that I had been working towards for so long that every morning I had a purpose and a direction. I realize that I have gotten pretty complacent in life since acheiving my dreams and now I need to find my purpose again. I need to make a new list of goals to accomplish and start chipping away at it. The first thing on my list is to lose these extra 30 pounds that have been weighing me down. They are the physical representation of a lot of the chaos that has been my life this last year and a half. I can't get into all of it, but it has involved planning a wedding, getting married, a custody battle that took almost 2 years, my husband graduating from law school and studying for the bar exam, getting pregnant, moving to a new state, starting a law practice, and having a baby! Lets just say it hasn't been easy and my husband and I have survived HUGE life stressors that many marriages don't make it through - simultaneously. I love him and don't want to put the blame for my current state on him. I am a stress eatter and have let myself get lost in the chaos. I love my husband with my whole heart and he has remained my rock and best friend through all of this. He is brilliant and funny and a wonderful father, he just can't seem to win his battle with food but I will never stop trying to help him because I need him, his daughter needs him, and he deserves to live the life he used to have as a college football player, athlete, super star. I am hoping that by me committing to make the changes, it will help and inspire him to make them as well.

I feel like I have to do this not only for me, but for him too! It won't be easy, but I am on day three and fighting the urge to walk to the vending machine as I type this. I just have to keep the long term goal in mind. I want to fit into my old clothes more than I want that candy bar!!!! I want to inspire my husband more than I want a candy bar! I want to feel good about myself when making public presentations for work more than I want that candy bar. So you know what? Screw you candy bar - sit in that vending machine prison until someone else comes along - this girl is not giving in...today at least!!