Unsupportive Partner - no one to push me but myself, sigh

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baby_bokchoy
baby_bokchoy Posts: 61 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hey everyone! This is partially a call for advice, but also partially just an opportunity to vent, so if anyone wants to do that too, feel free!

Basically, I reached my lowest weight ever in December 2017 - I'm 5'11, and I weighed 152lb. I was over the moon. Around this stage I was also going out a lot and generally having a super fun summer (Cape Town summer), and eating and weight loss wasn't even at the forefront of my mind. I'd met my soon-to-be boyfriend in October, but we only started dating properly on December 1st. It's been really great, in a lot of ways. But I've gained 15lb since then. :neutral:

When we met, I was living with my friend while her mom was away, and she got me really into kickboxing, and we went twice a week without fail. Since January, when I simultaneously moved back in with my parents and started spending a lot of time at my boyfriend's flat watching series and eating veggie burgers and pasta, the weight has just been creeping on.

My bf is 6'3 and skinny - he's also gained a bit of weight (which he jokingly complains about) but it's not noticeable on him. When I talk about my weight, or say I need to stop eating so much pasta and peanut butter toast, he always says he doesn't notice the weight, and he tries to get me to eat the same things he eats when he eats them (have a piece of toast, go on). AND, where my friend would say GET UP WE'RE GOING TO BOXING if ever I was tired or didn't feel like it, my bf immediately says "you should rest if you're not feeling up to going." I get no kick in the butt from him.

I've been losing motivation and gaining weight steadily. It's effecting how I feel in my body and my self-confidence, especially when my mom said "You got your boobs back!" the other day.

Any advice on how to stick to my guns re diet and exercise? Anyone else want to vent? Thanks in advance! (Sorry this was such a long venting session lol :smiley: )

Replies

  • jjpptt2
    jjpptt2 Posts: 5,650 Member
    edited July 2018
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    There are different ways to support and encourage people. Some people need to be reassured, others need to be pushed. It sounds like you want the latter but are getting the former. Perhaps it's worth explaining it to your BF and telling him what you need/want in this regard? Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing or what you're wanting from him?

    But to your question, part of it is simple will power, part of it is habit and routine. At least that's what it comes down to for me. I can't always simply will myself to be perfect. But a combination of will power and good habits certainly help.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    its not anyone else's responsibility to make you exercise, or watch your weight though?

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/818701/the-myth-of-motivation-and-what-you-need-instead/p1

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/comment/40735688#Comment_40735688


  • baby_bokchoy
    baby_bokchoy Posts: 61 Member
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    @TavistockToad I don't think I said it was anyone else's responsibility, I think I was mostly venting about the difference between living with a similarly-motivated friend who liked to share the healthy cooking duties with me and come to kickboxing with me, and a boyfriend who cares about his own weight gain enough to complain about it (far more often than I bring up my own), but not enough to actually want to do the same healthy eating/exercising as me.

    I don't disagree with you about motivation and willpower coming from within, I just also think sometimes external motivators in the form of people can be a nice kick in the butt to get you into gear. :)
  • baby_bokchoy
    baby_bokchoy Posts: 61 Member
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    @jjpptt2 @SabAteNine Thank you for the responses! I think you're both onto something in regards to different strokes for different folks, and different people needing different kinds of support. I hadn't thought about it in relation to my boyfriend and I, but I definitely am the person who has to have a deadline and needs a push constantly, while he's the kind of person who needs constant kind reassurance. We'll make it work! I'll start with staying strong when he offers me a piece of peanut butter toast three times a day haha!
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,967 Member
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    Well, I've always done weight loss and fitness on my own. My husband has zero interest whatsoever. He has a very active job so he doesn't need to worry about his weight or anything. Can you still go kickboxing with your friend even though you're not roomates anymore? Did she move away or something?
  • emmies_123
    emmies_123 Posts: 513 Member
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    You can try talking to him and letting him know you would prefer a kick in the butt when you start slacking, but ask yourself this: If you did not have him in your life what would you be doing to motivate yourself? Try to find a way to motivate yourself regardless of your environment, because exercise buddies will not always be available to drag you out of your comfy routines.

    Once you get into a regular pattern you will likely find it much easier to workout than you currently do. Try to find something that you can do in your free time, preferably from home. This eliminates many excuses (the weather is bad, I don't feel like going out, nowhere has a class available to fit my schedule, I don't have workout clothes appropriate to wear in public, etc) and allows you to start at your own pace.

    If you can't find a way to self-motivate you may not be ready for a lifestyle change, and that is ok. My hubby exercised for 2 years before I started trying. He lost 100 lbs with no active support from me, just doing his own thing. I would try to be like him but wouldn't stick with it for more than a month because mentally I wasn't ready. This year is the first time we are both working on self improvement, and even then we do it differently. I prefer to watch calorie intake and do short, intense workouts. He prefers to use a stationary bike for 2-3 hours a night and be less restricted in calorie intake.
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
    edited July 2018
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    It sounds like you are externally motivated. Time to have a frank discussion about what you'd prefer. Just tell him exactly what you've told us. He probably thinks he's being nice.

    Oh, and you aren't the first woman to discover we can't eat like our male partners and get away with it! One of life's great injustices :wink:
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    Your love language differs from boyfriend. I think it's smart to examine this at a deeper level, this may not be for you over the long haul. I'm boldly going there, get out while the gettin' is good. Stay friends if possible but find someone who shares your priorities for health. If it's not sustainable now, it won't be 5 years from now.
  • Candyspun
    Candyspun Posts: 370 Member
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    Maybe instead of wanting him to push, would it be better to ask him to stop trying to influence you? For example: 'do you want toast, babe?' 'no thank you', 'ok, no worries'. Would be better than him trying to egg you on. Or if you're invited to the gym, instead of him encouraging you to rest, could he agree to just say, 'whatever you want is fine by me'?

    Sorry about what your mum said. My mum puts her foot in her mouth about my weight, constantly, and I'm forever catching her 'looks' if my weight goes up and down: she's checking out every detail, and judging. Thinking about how I'm not good enough. I've had to learn to be really strong and remind myself that it's MY body, and I decide whether or not I lose/gain weight/stay the same. It's hard because it's my mum, but I try really, really hard to discourage any sort of critique upon my body from her. I don't sit there picking apart her entire body and giving feedback on what I think of it! And neither should our mothers.

    I think what would really help you is to think about your partner and mother, and promise yourself you're going to start taking ownership of what you want, and politely listen to them, but if you choose something they may not agree with? Start standing your ground and stating what you want. It will help in other aspects of life, too.
  • RadishEater
    RadishEater Posts: 470 Member
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    I second an open discussion. While @TavistockToad points our you are responsible for you own motivation to lose weight, having a significant other with significantly different health ideas can really squash that motivation.

    People already have that one voice in the back of their heads that is saying "ohhh make the peanut butter spoonful a heaping one, you can skip the kick boxing today, lets just watch tv and sleep in instead of hiking", but now your significant other is just adding to that voice in a big time. Whereas your friend was on the flip side pushing you to be healthier.

    Speaking from experience, it took me 6 months to realize the negative impact of sleeping in, skipping the gym, eating out more habits coming from my bf were having a bad impact on my life and another 4 months to cut out his habits and start my own.

    If I wanted to have brunch with him, he would sleep in and I would go exercise and come back later for brunch. Going to the movies and want a big pretzels, I would go exercise beforehand to get enough calories for that giant Auntie Annes pretzel. At some point I got tired of extra exercising to go out for meals, since I didn't like to save up calories so we met in the middle where he would bring take out and I would eat my own food.
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,464 Member
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    1. I don't want to sound mean but what struck me was whether he's really the right person for you if he doesn't help you achieve your goals and/or actively works against them?
    2. Even with a supportive SO it's still up to YOU to make good choices, control portions, get your workouts in, etc. Have toast but no PB or less PB. Eat smaller pasta portions or make zoodles for yourself. If he doesn't like you doing that, see #1 above.
    3. Are you still friends with the people who used to work out with you? Do they still feel free to call you and say let's go work out? Can you plan/schedule your workouts? If he doesn't like you doing that, see #1 above.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    baby_bokchoy wrote: »
    Any advice on how to stick to my guns re diet and exercise? Anyone else want to vent? Thanks in advance! (Sorry this was such a long venting session lol :smiley: )

    Keep saying no thanks if you don't want something. Explain your goals to your partner. Plan low calorie snacks you can eat when your partner has his snack.
    Plan your eating and log your food.
    Talk to your friend about setting up work out times together and go if it was something you enjoyed doing. Try a new activity with your partner.
    If you are tired a lot get enough sleep. If you are getting enough sleep but are still often very tired then maybe go get a health checkup.

  • Xerogs
    Xerogs Posts: 328 Member
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    If he jokingly kids about his own weight then be the motivator and get him up off his duff and go do something active. This will help you stay motivated and motivate him as well, maybe it will start becoming reciprocal. If not just say "no" when offered food you don't want and get up and be active on your own. I know how it can be though, my wife's motivation is nil at the moment but I continue to exercise and try to motivate through example. If there is one thing I have learned is you can't force a person to do anything unless they have some desire to do it for themselves, you can support them when they need the encouragement but it really is up to them in the long run.

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