I feel like I will never move on from this toxic relationship
Hi all, I was wondering if any of you can provide some moral support or advice. I am 29 years old and ended a 4 year long toxic relationship back in July 2017. I am 99.9% sure my ex-boyfriend Mark* suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (if you ever read a book or article about NPD, he is a textbook case) and our relationship was very emotionally abusive. Gaslighting, emotional manipulation, pathological lying, cheating with multiple (which I didn't discover until after we had broken up), etc. etc. I stayed because 90% of the time, he was very sweet, affectionate, generous and constantly sang my praises to family, friends and social media. A true Jekyll and Hyde.
Another reason I stayed for so long is because we had a dog together that I knew would be his if we ever broke up. I raised her since she was a puppy and to say losing her was devastating would be an understatement. Also, I was deathly afraid of being alone and terrified of starting over. After all, here was a man who "loved" me, wanted to marry me me and have a family. And 90% of the time, things were great. Why would I throw that away at 28 years old?!
The first 6-9 months after our break-up were emotionally taxing to say the least. I went through extreme highs and lower-than-low lows. I thought I would never feel normal or be happy again. I was pretty proactive about dealing with my emotions heads on by reading, journaling, seeing a therapist, self-care, taking vacations, exercising and spending time with friends. One mistake I did make was dating almost immediately and throwing myself in 2 other relationships that eventually ended (not in an unfriendly or bad way). However, by May 2018, I started to feel better. Good even. Happy.
Shortcut to a few months later, I am happier than I have ever been in YEARS. I have been having a busy and awesome summer and doing lots of fun things. I have made a lot of awesome new friends. My relationship with my friends and family is better than it's ever been. I feel confident with the way I look and I have been kicking *kitten* at work.
ANDDDD... In late June, I met a really awesome guy. We have been taking things very, very slow (learned my lesson) but overall, he treats me extremely well and seems to really care about me. He has even been talking about the future a bit - meeting the family, taking vacations and other things. My friends all love him and think we are great together. He knows about my tumultuous past and let me know he is 100% fine with doing things on my terms.
And yet - I still feel very un-vindicated towards my ex-boyfriend. He has a new girlfriend (typical of a narc) and constantly shows off their relationship on social media. They take vacations together, hang out with each other's families and seem very happy and in love. Rationally, I know he has not changed and he is merely repeating what he did with me with this new girl. And I know social media can be extremely misleading. I know he has not changed and is the same *kitten* he has always been. And there are aspects of their relationship that are odd regardless of his NPD - he is 30 years old and she is 19 (a child, basically), she is at a college 3 hours away so they are long-distance 10 months out of the year and I know from mutual friends he still hangs around with some of the girls he cheated on me with. Plus, I have a new boyfriend so how can I even care?
However, the irrational part of me obsesses over the fact that this *kitten* treated me so badly and yet, he gets to move on and be happy. I sometimes think that maybe he really does love this girl and treat her well and the problem was me. ? I think the reason I’m so depressed is because I feel that there is no justice in the world if he gets to be happy too. I had to work very hard to get over my relationship with him and still struggle.
I know this must seem very childish, like I’m on the floor throwing a temper tantrum right now and proclaiming this isn't fair. I know nothing in life is fair. I see bad things happen to far better people than me every day. And besides this relationship, I have been extremely blessed and lucky in my 29 years on earth. So why do I feel so *kitten*? Why can't I just enjoy my new relationship with this man who treats me like a queen and be happy?
Another reason I stayed for so long is because we had a dog together that I knew would be his if we ever broke up. I raised her since she was a puppy and to say losing her was devastating would be an understatement. Also, I was deathly afraid of being alone and terrified of starting over. After all, here was a man who "loved" me, wanted to marry me me and have a family. And 90% of the time, things were great. Why would I throw that away at 28 years old?!
The first 6-9 months after our break-up were emotionally taxing to say the least. I went through extreme highs and lower-than-low lows. I thought I would never feel normal or be happy again. I was pretty proactive about dealing with my emotions heads on by reading, journaling, seeing a therapist, self-care, taking vacations, exercising and spending time with friends. One mistake I did make was dating almost immediately and throwing myself in 2 other relationships that eventually ended (not in an unfriendly or bad way). However, by May 2018, I started to feel better. Good even. Happy.
Shortcut to a few months later, I am happier than I have ever been in YEARS. I have been having a busy and awesome summer and doing lots of fun things. I have made a lot of awesome new friends. My relationship with my friends and family is better than it's ever been. I feel confident with the way I look and I have been kicking *kitten* at work.
ANDDDD... In late June, I met a really awesome guy. We have been taking things very, very slow (learned my lesson) but overall, he treats me extremely well and seems to really care about me. He has even been talking about the future a bit - meeting the family, taking vacations and other things. My friends all love him and think we are great together. He knows about my tumultuous past and let me know he is 100% fine with doing things on my terms.
And yet - I still feel very un-vindicated towards my ex-boyfriend. He has a new girlfriend (typical of a narc) and constantly shows off their relationship on social media. They take vacations together, hang out with each other's families and seem very happy and in love. Rationally, I know he has not changed and he is merely repeating what he did with me with this new girl. And I know social media can be extremely misleading. I know he has not changed and is the same *kitten* he has always been. And there are aspects of their relationship that are odd regardless of his NPD - he is 30 years old and she is 19 (a child, basically), she is at a college 3 hours away so they are long-distance 10 months out of the year and I know from mutual friends he still hangs around with some of the girls he cheated on me with. Plus, I have a new boyfriend so how can I even care?
However, the irrational part of me obsesses over the fact that this *kitten* treated me so badly and yet, he gets to move on and be happy. I sometimes think that maybe he really does love this girl and treat her well and the problem was me. ? I think the reason I’m so depressed is because I feel that there is no justice in the world if he gets to be happy too. I had to work very hard to get over my relationship with him and still struggle.
I know this must seem very childish, like I’m on the floor throwing a temper tantrum right now and proclaiming this isn't fair. I know nothing in life is fair. I see bad things happen to far better people than me every day. And besides this relationship, I have been extremely blessed and lucky in my 29 years on earth. So why do I feel so *kitten*? Why can't I just enjoy my new relationship with this man who treats me like a queen and be happy?
7
Replies
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Dude, delete him from everything and don’t look him up ever again. Who cares what he’s doing?12
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you speak the truth friendbhadbahabi wrote: »Dude, delete him from everything and don’t look him up ever again. Who cares what he’s doing?
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It sounds like this person caused you suffering. It is said that when someone causes you suffering, that person is suffering themself. I believe that suffering can teach us to not do wrong to others. Maybe this person has changed or maybe they have not... I'm not sure it's even relevant. You should focus on the here and now... acknowledge your suffering and allow it to sow the seeds of forgiveness and compassion moving forward. The world needs it.4
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bhadbahabi wrote: »Dude, delete him from everything and don’t look him up ever again. Who cares what he’s doing?
This.
Yeah, two thoughts ( both are kinda harsh, but you asked.... ).
1. You're really overthinking this and (it would appear) wasting a lot of time and energy in doing so. So why spend anymore time on this? It's not productive, is it?
2. You're 29. (and I might get flamed for this one, but I speak from experience.) Many 29 year old females that I have encountered, dated, etc. are at a point in their life where they start questioning where they are in terms of relationships, looking at the prospects of starting a family, their career & comparing themselves to others at this same point in life. Now, I'm not saying that you're doing all of that... but I'm not saying that you're not either.
point is, put all of this smack behind you, buck up and focus on you're own happiness.
Best of luck5 -
You know he is unhealthy and you are better off without him. You have great things about your life that you would never had had with him.
There is a lot of unfairness is life. It'd be nice if only *kitten* people got cancer or lost their jobs or couldn't get dates.
I would stop seeing what he is up to on social media from now on. He is still toxic to you. Some people aren't allergic to poison ivy or don't know what it looks like. That doesn't mean there was something wrong with you just because you get rashes and decided to get out of it.
What you are feeling sounds like something to work through with your therapist more.
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Why do you still have him on social media? My toxic ex is not on social media, but if he was, I wouldn't be. Either unfriendly him, unfollow him, uncontact him or disappear yourself.
What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over.
And just know, if he is text book narcissistic, he will never know true love or happiness. He is incapable of it and everything you see is a great big Broadway musical. You don't need a song and a dance to know happiness. Take comfort in that fact and focus on yourself. Love is in the quiet private moments, not on social media.6 -
i am actually really sad for your current relationship. There you have someone who is invested in you, He deserves you investing in him. And step nr. 1 is breaking all ties with your ex. How can you be in a relationship with a person when you are also still in a (emotional) relationship with someone else?
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For some reason those people that treat us the worst we give the most energy and power to. From the sound of it, you have not found final closure to move on and that closure will not always come from the other person, it comes from yourself.
If you keep seeking for the reasons 'why' this and 'why' that and you keep the relationship alive and unable to move forward. You are so very young, it can take years to mend, it can take years to stop trying to understand. You will understand or you won't, but there has to be the day when you give him no more of your mental and emotional state and hopefully its not at the expense of your current relationship.1 -
Moving on from a narc is THE HARDEST thing to do. You end up trauma bonded to them and you question your sanity every single *kitten* day! A narc has ZERO feelings and you will never get closure from that person, never. Narcs need new supply eventually and I’m sure he has a new supply and you are in his rear view. Trust me. I’ve lived it for 13 years. NPD is real and so very traumatizing.6
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The very best thing you did was to take your life back. It is very difficult to let yourself trust anyone after such an experience. Cut any possible contacts with that person, face book, mutual friends, because you know it was all a sham. Give yourself the best future you can. Never look back. I'm sorry you lost the puppy you invested time, energy and love into, as long as your dog lives it will be his reminder, you had sense to move on. I'm sorry you could not take that little friend with you.
Try not to be frightened of your own shadow. You have someone in front of you who offers you his world, how will you feel if your looking back costs you this as well. Take it carefully, yes. Build trust, definitely, in him and in your true judgement, it will grow and grow.0 -
My ex was a narcissist too so I can relate to you on that. He will move on but he won't truly be happy. Many narcissists actually hate themselves. He will never have real love. He will use and discard his new woman or she will realize his true colors and dump him. Do not let him back into your life. Your best remedy is to move on, cut off all contact, and do better for yourself. Above all you need NO CONTACT. That drives them insane. You may need therapy.2
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The bottom line is you are not over your ex b/f . You need to not be involved with someone new . You are just going to end up hurting him ( new b/f ) because you have not gotten over your ex .
You are not ready to be dating if you keep thinking about your ex . There will be a day you will not have your ex on your mind . That is when you are fully ready to be dating . Good luck . It's hard to move on when your heart is not ready . But your mind is .3 -
just move on.1
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I agree with everyone saying to delete him from your social media and your life. You cannot move on from something if you keep checking in on it, and all you are doing right now is letting him continue to make you miserable. The ex's life does not effect yours anymore, other than what you allow in by checking up on him or looking for gossip with friends.
Let him go, move on, and focus on yourself and your needs
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...our relationship was very emotionally abusive. Gaslighting, emotional manipulation, pathological lying, cheating with multiple (which I didn't discover until after we had broken up), etc. etc....
Do you believe this is what you deserve? The only reason to dwell on it is because you somehow beleive you did and you lost something by leaving him.
If you KNOW you are better than that...which you are....bhadbahabi wrote: »Dude, delete him from everything and don’t look him up ever again. Who cares what he’s doing?
Then this x's 100.
All the best.
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Misty_1375 wrote: »Moving on from a narc is THE HARDEST thing to do. You end up trauma bonded to them and you question your sanity every single *kitten* day! A narc has ZERO feelings and you will never get closure from that person, never. Narcs need new supply eventually and I’m sure he has a new supply and you are in his rear view. Trust me. I’ve lived it for 13 years. NPD is real and so very traumatizing.
This is so very true. Unless you have experienced a relationship with a narc, you can't really understand the impact it has on you. It's very traumatizing and I consider myself a very strong willed, thick-skinned person.2 -
Unless you cut ties with your past, you won't be able to enjoy the present and invest fully in your current relationship. You owe it to yourself and your new man to give the best of yourself. Forgiving your ex and letting go of the past is necessary to move forward.
This may sound weird, but this worked for me regarding issues I had trouble letting go of. Try writing a letter to your ex, pouring out all of your hurt and anger into it. Tell him you're letting him go and moving on with your life. Then burn the letter, symbolically releasing him from your life, and forgive him. Releasing the anger and other feelings you had for him will take a weight off of you, and hopefully set you free to move forward.
Best of luck with everything!1 -
Misty_1375 wrote: »Moving on from a narc is THE HARDEST thing to do. You end up trauma bonded to them and you question your sanity every single *kitten* day! A narc has ZERO feelings and you will never get closure from that person, never. Narcs need new supply eventually and I’m sure he has a new supply and you are in his rear view. Trust me. I’ve lived it for 13 years. NPD is real and so very traumatizing.
This is so very true. Unless you have experienced a relationship with a narc, you can't really understand the impact it has on you. It's very traumatizing and I consider myself a very strong willed, thick-skinned person.
So sorry my friend
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You should seek revenge for him messing up your life by messing up your life again in hopes of messing up his life. . .
(or you could just let it go . . )
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Cameron_1969 wrote: »You should seek revenge for him messing up your life by messing up your life again in hopes of messing up his life. . .
(or you could just let it go . . )
It really is not that easy. If it was, I'm sure alot of us would have left already. Narcs make you think you are crazy, make you question your sanity, make you think "is that REALLY how the situation happened or am I remembering it wrong?" when you know good and well he called you a *kitten* or a c*nt but swears up and down you heard it wrong, isolates you from your friends and family because there is always something wrong with them and you get tired of hearing him complain so you just stop seeing them. The immediate "be at my beckon call 24/7 or you will have hell to pay" is always there too. Trust me, it isn't that easy.1 -
Unless you cut ties with your past, you won't be able to enjoy the present and invest fully in your current relationship. You owe it to yourself and your new man to give the best of yourself. Forgiving your ex and letting go of the past is necessary to move forward.
This may sound weird, but this worked for me regarding issues I had trouble letting go of. Try writing a letter to your ex, pouring out all of your hurt and anger into it. Tell him you're letting him go and moving on with your life. Then burn the letter, symbolically releasing him from your life, and forgive him. Releasing the anger and other feelings you had for him will take a weight off of you, and hopefully set you free to move forward.
Best of luck with everything!
Thanks so much! I never thought of doing that but it does sound very therapeutic. I will try it and see how i feel
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What's at the crux of your feelings towards him? That you were hurt so deeply, but he (seemingly) wasn't? And that he's now moved on without any of the hurt and scarring and resentment that you feel?4
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Misty_1375 wrote: »Cameron_1969 wrote: »You should seek revenge for him messing up your life by messing up your life again in hopes of messing up his life. . .
(or you could just let it go . . )
It really is not that easy. If it was, I'm sure alot of us would have left already. Narcs make you think you are crazy, make you question your sanity, make you think "is that REALLY how the situation happened or am I remembering it wrong?" when you know good and well he called you a *kitten* or a c*nt but swears up and down you heard it wrong, isolates you from your friends and family because there is always something wrong with them and you get tired of hearing him complain so you just stop seeing them. The immediate "be at my beckon call 24/7 or you will have hell to pay" is always there too. Trust me, it isn't that easy.
I implied that that letting go was easy, but I know it's not.. That doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. the solution is simple, but it isn't easy. . I had my own experience with one of these. . although she may have been more Borderline. . either way, in the end it does come down to a choice. . And if the OP continues to pursue something she will NEVER get (closure). . then she will end up wrecking her chance for a healthy relationship. The thing about people like him is that they will never ever ever say they're sorry, (unless it's just to manipulate you into a trap. ) . They're fundamentally incapable of remorse or shame or empathy. The only winning move is to disengage and accept them for what they are, and be sad for them that they never get to feel joy or love or happiness or contentment and move on with your life in pursuit of all these things that you're capable of experiencing.3 -
it is simply but not easy, let go.
you are not part of his life, you moved on. and you fault him for doing so.
you are free of him, you have a new life-delete him from your life. move on and move forward
if you cannot, see a therapist to work thru the emotions. or you will destroy the current life you have now by living in the past0 -
What's at the crux of your feelings towards him? That you were hurt so deeply, but he (seemingly) wasn't? And that he's now moved on without any of the hurt and scarring and resentment that you feel?
Yes I would say that's the exact feeling I have. At the risk of sounding like a toddler, but it all seems very unfair. 2 -
What's at the crux of your feelings towards him? That you were hurt so deeply, but he (seemingly) wasn't? And that he's now moved on without any of the hurt and scarring and resentment that you feel?
Yes I would say that's the exact feeling I have. At the risk of sounding like a toddler, but it all seems very unfair.
Well, FWIW, while he may not have felt the lows like you did, I'd bet that he didn't feel the highs like you did while you were together, or are feeling now in your current relationship.
If that helps.0 -
What's at the crux of your feelings towards him? That you were hurt so deeply, but he (seemingly) wasn't? And that he's now moved on without any of the hurt and scarring and resentment that you feel?
Yes I would say that's the exact feeling I have. At the risk of sounding like a toddler, but it all seems very unfair.
It's understandable but take comfort in knowing that what goes around comes around. You may never see him hurt and he might always appear happy on social media etc. but Karma is abitch. Forget about him and be happy. His hurting days will come although you might never see that. Everyone feels (at some point or another) the results of their actions good or bad.1 -
Pour_Decisions wrote: »What's at the crux of your feelings towards him? That you were hurt so deeply, but he (seemingly) wasn't? And that he's now moved on without any of the hurt and scarring and resentment that you feel?
Yes I would say that's the exact feeling I have. At the risk of sounding like a toddler, but it all seems very unfair.
It's understandable but take comfort in knowing that what goes around comes around. You may never see him hurt and he might always appear happy on social media etc. but Karma is abitch. Forget about him and be happy. His hurting days will come although you might never see that. Everyone feels (at some point or another) the results of their actions good or bad.
^^^^^THIS0 -
Sounds like your ex is an only child
But my advice would be remove and block from all media’s
Even phone numbers erase and just start new
It’s hard cause he’ll still be in your mind but eventually he willl disappear from there too1
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