The heaviest I have ever been and will ever be.

Hi everyone,

Today is my first day back on my fitness pal since 2014. I wasn't very active in the forums then, but I hope utilizing it will help me now.

I weigh 284 lbs. The heaviest I have ever weighed and hopefully the heaviest I will ever weigh. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. When I graduated high school, I was 250 lbs. After my first year of college, I was 274 lbs. A few fab diets and eating disorders later, I bounced around the 230s and 220s for a few years. Then I stopped hurting myself by starving and doing ridiculous diets and just started making better choices and becoming more active. Last year I made it to 174 lbs. The lightest I have ever been since middle school. For the first time in my life, I loved the way I looked. And my confidence and self esteem was better than it had ever been.

I'm 24 years old now. And I hate the way I look. I gained over 100 lbs in the past year. How did I get to this point? Well, it started with my first psychotic episode.

I had been manic for about a week before the psychotic episode. Not sleeping for 7 days straight. Working on too many projects at once. Taking walks every 20 minutes. I thought everything was going great. Then my partner started to worry about me. I was speaking too fast. Saying things that made no sense. Started hearing and seeing things that weren't there. I even lost the ability to recognize my friends and even my partner. I was afraid everyone was trying to kill me. I was on the floor in my closet screaming when the paramedics pulled me out and strapped me to a stretcher. Next thing I knew, I was headed to the emergency room and not long after, my first stay at a state psych ward.

I was hospitalized for a few weeks and given a ton of medications after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have had major depression disorder and anxiety my entire life, but this was a new diagnosis. So I finally left the hospital, after begging to be released. But I know now that I left too soon. I was having anxiety attacks every day after returning home. I felt like I was going to explode every second I was alone. My partner had gone to NY for the week to be there for the birth of her niece, so I had friends taking care of me. They even let me stay at their home. But I just got so anxious and terrified I ended up calling my mother to get me. In May 2017, she and my sister drove from NC to Atlanta to pick me up and take me home with them.

That's when the weight gain really started. Eventually my anxiety attacks calmed down, but I turned into a lifeless numb person. I no longer enjoyed things I loved. Making art, exercising, socializing. Nothing. It felt like I had brain damage. Like someone took a giant bite out of my brain and the chunk they bit out was everything that gave me joy or my life meaning. I just lived to eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. I got to a point where my life felt so empty and meaningless. Like I was just there taking up space. Emotionless, I decided to end my life. I took 225 tylenol pills one night without feeling anything about it. It wasn't like in the movies where the victim is sobbing while they try to end their life. I just quietly and numbly took the pills, got in bed, and waited to die.

Obviously it didn't work. My younger sister found me throwing up in the morning, told my parents, and then I was back in the emergency room. Then back in the psych ward. Where I gained 40 lbs in 2 months.

I went back home. The cycle continued. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Eat. Eat. Sleep the entire day until it was time to eat some more.

I remember thinking "I'll just keep gaining weight until I die." I thought my brain would never be the same again. I'll never be happy again. Why not just give up?

But then something in me switched. I started watching my 600lb life on Hulu and just seeing all the stories of everyone who lost weight and turned their lives around gave me something I hadn't felt in a long long time: hope.

It took me weeks to gain the will power, but I finally told my oldest sister I was afraid of reaching 300 lbs and asked her if she could help me lose weight. I cried when I asked her. It was the first moment in such a long time I felt like I was taking control of my life. She agreed to start taking me to the gym and helping me make healthier choices. My little sister is helping too and we have all now joined my fitness pal.

Maybe my brain will never fully recover and I'll never quite be the same person I used to be. I'm still grieving my old self and cry sometimes for losing myself.

But I can take control in some areas of my life. I'm deciding to make changes. I'm deciding to look forward to the future even if it's just a blurry thought right now.

I want to take care of myself like how I used to. I want to be here for my family. I want to like my life again. I want to love myself. I want a future.