I'm reaching out, I'm indescribably depressed

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Ali307LB
Ali307LB Posts: 2 Member
in Introduce Yourself
I need help. I've been putting this off, signing up here. I felt better while I binged because I told myself, I'll join tomorrow. But here's tomorrow, I weighed myself, and despite how absolutely awful I feel, the only thing I can think about is getting tacos.

I overeat when I feel just about any emotion. Happy? Eat. Sad? Definitely eat. Slightly inconvenienced? Eat. Didn't clean the kitchen and don't feel like cooking? Better order pizza and eat an entire one in a sitting.

I've tried to lose weight before, and I do feel that it's a lifelong process of changing your habits. I will buy healthy food only, figuring if there's no unhealthy food I can't eat bad things. Then I'll binge on oatmeal until I'm so full I vomit.

I've asked people to hide my keys. Ive binged on fruit until I'm ill. I'm in a massive amount of debt from eating out so often and just so damn much, nearly 10K. I'm having a hard time getting off the couch, I told myself it was because the cushions were getting older and sinking in, so we went to buy a new couch, and I can't get off that one either without a lot of work. Even walking to the kitchen is getting me winded and I spend large amounts of time just sitting because doing things feels difficult.

I've thought about killing myself, which I ultimately decided I will not do, if anything the food will kill me with diabetes, heart disease, etc. It's not because I hate the way I look, I see beauty in everyone, but because I can't keep living with something controlling every thought. Every idea and plan is thought of in relation to how I'll get food, when, how much. I cry every night. I can't go to a doctor's appointment without getting food somewhere.

My health insurance doesn't cover therapy, and though I've tried to go consistently in the past out of pocket, it became too expensive. Maybe if I'd put the resources I put into food into getting help, I'd be better off.

I realize I can't do it alone anymore, I'm so lonely, and I feel so worthless. Can anyone please give me tips and advice? I can see myself reaching 400, 500, and more pounds if I don't stop today.
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Replies

  • kommodevaran
    kommodevaran Posts: 17,890 Member
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    I don't know if it will help you - I was a secret eater too, and damaged my health to some extent, but not my bank account to that extent you're talking about, had lots of justifications, was sad and felt hopeless and out of control, but never really felt suicidal - but a gamechanger was stopping dividing foods into good and bad, healthy and unhealthy. There are no wrong foods. There are also no "make or break" situations, it's only day in, day out of series of decisions, that overall and over time, determines your weight (and whatever health aspects that can be affected by diet). Making it easier to make good decisions and harder to make bad decisions, is important. But in the end all decisions are yours. I feel that this produces some uneasiness, but way, way more confidence.
  • abguan
    abguan Posts: 8 Member
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    You have taken an important first step by reaching out. Each positive step you take will help you. You are worthy, every positive step you take (each and every time you do something like move and be active, don't eat the unhealthy thing, eat the healthy food, expose yourself to positive voices & stories) you are giving a gift to yourself. You sound like a kind person. Be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness.
  • purpledream89
    purpledream89 Posts: 14 Member
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    You sound like a sweetheart. I read your post and I can relate to you on my levels. You dont have to feel alone. Let's be friends and get through this *kitten* together. I'm going to add you as a friend on here right now.
  • Jackie9003
    Jackie9003 Posts: 1,110 Member
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    I'm not sure what to say other than well done for taking that first step and reaching out. You are definitely not alone, there will be lots of people on here who have had similar experiences. I'm a comfort eater - any excuse will do - but I'm managing it well at the moment and have lost 42lb. But it's hard work sometimes and I'm sure it will be for you too, but it's so worth the effort.

    Get yourself some friends on here, add me if you like, have a read through the forum there's lots of advice and some of the success stories are brilliant.
    Start logging your food - if it goes in your mouth write it down - then look at little changes that you can easily do like swap fizzy drinks for water, and go from there.
    Put your stats on here but start slow and tell it to calculate 0.5lb per week, and try to plan some menus around the allowance. I find it really helps if I plan what I'm going to eat in the morning then if I'm thinking of food I know what I'm having and I can look forward to it and it helps me stay on track.
    Hopefully the first time you realise you can eat nice food and still lose weight you'll get that buzz and want to carry on.
    Also start walking a little bit, start slow and build it up gradually.

    Best of luck I hope taking this first step helps you feel a bit better.
  • johnw83
    johnw83 Posts: 6,219 Member
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    i am happy to help every one feel free to send me a friend request
  • Sharonlee56
    Sharonlee56 Posts: 1 Member
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    So glad you are in this group. But please reach out to someone close to you and tell them how you feel. You are of great worth and with some help you can get healthy. You need to know that you are a special person and are truly worth the effort. There are people who want to help obviously in this forum so be sure to reach out each day. As they said, you are not alone.
    I see myself as a loved child of God. I hope you can see yourself this way. Take this journey with this group and follow their advice. It does work. It’s a struggle but it’s working for me after years of not being successful. The hard part is getting started.
    Take care and please reach out more.
  • shaf238
    shaf238 Posts: 4,021 Member
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    You're lucky. You've found one the most helpful and supportive online communities out there. I wish you all the best for your journey and I hope you realise all your dreams. You can do it!
  • SelenaMariaStewart
    SelenaMariaStewart Posts: 112 Member
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    Ali307LB wrote: »
    I'm moved to years by your kind words and sincere encouragement, really thank you so much. I'm mostly alone, I don't have much family and I have four children. I am married, but my husband just tells me I'm beautiful however I am and gives in when I ask for food. I've tried telling him I won't get offended if he refuses, that I know he still finds me attractive but I need help for my health. It hasn't been working out so far. I'm about to go see what there is to eat in the kitchen, I was originally going to taco Bell so I guess this is a step in the right direction :)

    Yes, that is the right step! And write it down! Eating at a deficit doesn't mean being hungry all the time :) maybe in the beginning it's a little more noticeable, but you body will adapt and you will be amazed by how much you can accomplish. I've sent you a friend request so we can do this together!
  • bpotts44
    bpotts44 Posts: 1,066 Member
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    Start by dedicating yourself to logging your food and finding yourself professional mental help services. At different times in my life I have been paralyzed by anxiety which has led to weight gain. Only through professional therapy have I been able to overcome these issues. You can achieve health and happiness.
  • Millicent3015
    Millicent3015 Posts: 374 Member
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    Ali307LB wrote: »
    I need help. I've been putting this off, signing up here. I felt better while I binged because I told myself, I'll join tomorrow. But here's tomorrow, I weighed myself, and despite how absolutely awful I feel, the only thing I can think about is getting tacos.

    I overeat when I feel just about any emotion. Happy? Eat. Sad? Definitely eat. Slightly inconvenienced? Eat. Didn't clean the kitchen and don't feel like cooking? Better order pizza and eat an entire one in a sitting.

    I've tried to lose weight before, and I do feel that it's a lifelong process of changing your habits. I will buy healthy food only, figuring if there's no unhealthy food I can't eat bad things. Then I'll binge on oatmeal until I'm so full I vomit.

    I've asked people to hide my keys. Ive binged on fruit until I'm ill. I'm in a massive amount of debt from eating out so often and just so damn much, nearly 10K. I'm having a hard time getting off the couch, I told myself it was because the cushions were getting older and sinking in, so we went to buy a new couch, and I can't get off that one either without a lot of work. Even walking to the kitchen is getting me winded and I spend large amounts of time just sitting because doing things feels difficult.

    I've thought about killing myself, which I ultimately decided I will not do, if anything the food will kill me with diabetes, heart disease, etc. It's not because I hate the way I look, I see beauty in everyone, but because I can't keep living with something controlling every thought. Every idea and plan is thought of in relation to how I'll get food, when, how much. I cry every night. I can't go to a doctor's appointment without getting food somewhere.

    My health insurance doesn't cover therapy, and though I've tried to go consistently in the past out of pocket, it became too expensive. Maybe if I'd put the resources I put into food into getting help, I'd be better off.

    I realize I can't do it alone anymore, I'm so lonely, and I feel so worthless. Can anyone please give me tips and advice? I can see myself reaching 400, 500, and more pounds if I don't stop today.

    There may be mental health service user/peer groups in your area that are free because they're organised and run by mh folks for mh folks. There may be mental health organisations and charities that provided free or very low cost therapy, whether that's in person, online or over the phone, so start googling for things like that where you are.

    You're not worthless. Your feelings of low self esteem are probably driving your disordered eating. Food is a comfort because it doesn't judge you or refuse you. The issue isn't the types of food you're eating, it's your compulsion to eat. Bingeing on more nutritious stuff can be just as damaging as bingeing on less nutritious stuff.

    I don't know what's useful for you to work on first, your low self esteem or your compulsive eating, as the issues are so intertwined, but it might be useful for you to try and work on one or two things before tackling others, as sometimes when you have so much going on you can only handle a little at a time, and it can be easier than trying to change or resolve everything at once.

    I wonder if you ever had food restricted or refused at any time in your life? Do you have a fear (even if it's irrational) that you don't know when you'll next be able to eat? Did your food compulsion come out of nowhere, or is it mostly tied to your emotions? Are you stuffing down your emotions with food because it's too painful, confusing or overwhelming to feel them?

    I would say keep going back to your doctor. You may be able to get structured help from them, or they may be able to signpost you towards low cost/free therapy services, and do start looking for peer groups where you'll be able to meet people in similar situations to yourself.
  • myfitnesspal1542
    myfitnesspal1542 Posts: 3 Member
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    The reply above is so true. Reach out to a local help group. If you do not know any, contact local hospital or clinic, they will be able to connect you to one.
    More you talk, record and reevaluate your decisions the better.
    Everything is possible, stay strong...
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    In the safety industry we talk about "root cause". Would it help to tell you it's not about the food? Deal with the underlying pathology and food will be given it's proper place. I hope you find low/reasonable cost alternatives for counselling/therapy. Here's a couple resources I know about.

    http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

    https://www.selfmanagementresource.com/
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    To give yourself a couple hours relief from thinking about food, you might try this Buddhist meditation technique. In my experience the technique gives me a couple hours relief at most, but it's something. It gives your mind a break.

    http://bethspatterson.com/using-mindfulness-meditation-to-tame-intrusive-thoughts/
  • JustMeandZ
    JustMeandZ Posts: 45 Member
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    Ali307LB wrote: »
    I'm moved to tears by your kind words and sincere encouragement, really thank you so much. I'm mostly alone, I don't have much family and I have four children. I am married, but my husband just tells me I'm beautiful however I am and gives in when I ask for food. I've tried telling him I won't get offended if he refuses, that I know he still finds me attractive but I need help for my health. It hasn't been working out so far. I'm about to go see what there is to eat in the kitchen, I was originally going to taco Bell so I guess this is a step in the right direction :)

    Yes it is, and you CAN do this!
    Try asking your husband or kids to go for short walks with you, and try to appreciate the little things you see (is the weather nice, birds singing, the flowers and trees, breathing fresh air, how cute your kids are, etc). Every little step you take is a GREAT step, and it can be done. Tell yourself this as you do it. Sometimes it can take a while before you see progress on the scale, ...but if you resisted going out to eat, tell yourself how good that little step was. If you went for a short walk, tell yourself how 'great' that was, and that its one step closer to being at your goal. Its not always 'easy' and it takes 'time', ...but it can be done, and you'll feel so proud when you start to see some changes (& so will your husband and kids!).
    This can be a great place to find friends, and if you want to add me as one, feel free! I have a long way to go, ...so I'll be here for a while :)
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    There are medications which help control binge eating for some people. Definitely seek medical help.

    What helped me with my own emotional eating was finding other ways of rewarding and comforting myself. For example, I paint my fingernails fancy colors, and I drink spiced tea, and I take nice baths. I also made an effort to eat delicious but lower calorie food - one piece of very good quality dark chocolate, not a bag of Hershey's. I also talked to my husband about fixing several long term stressors in my life so that I would be happier overall.

    Bless you on your journey!
  • divcara
    divcara Posts: 357 Member
    edited August 2018
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this struggle. You sound very self-reflective and you are being very honest with yourself. You most definitely are not worthless. It's so isolating and lonely to feel that much pain every day. It sounds like you may suffer from depression and self-medicate with food.

    That is so hard, because it's so easy to quickly spiral downward. The worse you feel, the more you want something comforting, the less you feel like cleaning the kitchen, the messier the kitchen is, the less you want to cook, the more you want to order something where you don't have to think. No wonder you feel as overwhelmed as you do.

    The one thing I can say is that it can spiral in the positive direction as well. It is so, so hard to get that momentum started, and stick to a commitment when everything inside you is screaming for relief or comfort or a temporary fix, but if you can hang in there for a bit, it really can get easier. And you fuel your body. And you get more energy. And some of the pure struggle eases and you don't need food as a means to cope or escape. It sounds like you are saying that finding food has become your go-to habit...but habits can change and you can build new ones. Don't give up.

    I'm so glad you posted here! You are not alone in your struggles and everyone has them, they just manifest in different ways. It is possible to turn this around. It takes work and dedication and knowing what your triggers are and how to make constructive changes, but it is all something that is hard, but doable. Hugs to you.

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