I need to vent and ask for help!

Shanel_Troia · February 2008

I just found out last night that the doctors sent my Grandmother home to die. They don't know how long it will but her time is short. Let me back up. Last weekend my Grandma was put into the hospital. I being an EMT knew she was going and helped put her in the Ambulance. I went up to see her with my daughter a few days later. They ran test and tried so many things to help her. They did a scope down her throat and tried to put a balloon in there to open it up. She has a lot of scare tissue form acid reflux and it was causing her problems eating and breathing. That helped some but not much because when ever we get her something to eat she turns her nose up at it. She is 78 years old and weighs less than 90 pounds. They did a test on her kidney's and one isn't working at all, the other is almost gone. There is nothing left they can do. My Mom called me yesterday morning and told me she was coming home. I was so happy. I thought she was going to be alright. Little did I know the truth until later in the day. I would give anything to keep my Grandmother here.

I didn't get to know her growing up and until the last few years I had gotten really close to her. I spent the afternoon with my Grandma after she came home. My husband is on the Volunteer Fire Department and he was in a training class all day yesterday and came home around 6 last night. Shortly after 8 pm my Mom called and asked to talk to him, I didn't think anything of it and handed him the phone. A few moments later he hung up the phone and turned the TV off to talk to me. He told me that Grandma did have much time left and my Mom didn't want to tell me that morning because she knows how I am, and she her self is still having to deal with it all. I can't image how she feels with it being her Mom. I am so scared and I feel so lost, I feel like I am just here drifting in limbo. I have tried to eat, but I am not hungry and my husband not home isn't helping matters. I mean he has to work during the week and keep things going with the fire department and I know that he is here not matter what I all would have to do is pick up the phone. I just don't want to bother him with all that he has to do. I lost 7 pounds last week and I put 4 pounds back on or I think I did. I have become obsessed with my weight and I weigh my self several times a day and it drives me crazy to see it going up and down through out the day. I go to bed weighing one thing and wake up the next morning 3 pounds lighter. I haven't a clue as to what to do with that. I am feeling lonely, disconnect, and plain awful and I cannot seem to get out of it. I have 2 kids and I need to be strong for them but they haven't a clue as to what is going on and they are always asking why is Mommy crying. I tried to talk to them but all I could say is Mommy is dealing with alot of stuff right now and you don't need to worry about it, that's my job. I am not sure as to why I am writing all this in here, but I feel a little better just getting it out. I cannot seem to get motivated to do anything other than just sit here. The gym I go to is closed on the weekends so I cannot go and let it out in a work out. Although I live in Alabama the weather today is like my mood so I cannot go for a walk unless I want to go out in the rain. I don't even want to shop and that's new for me. :ohwell: : For anyone that reads this thank you even if you don't leave a comment and say a silent pray to your self it is much needed and I am so thankful I have everyone here. I better go and see Grandma, again than you everyone!

Shanel_Troia · February 2008

I just found out last night that the doctors sent my Grandmother home to die. They don't know how long it will but her time is short. Let me back up. Last weekend my Grandma was put into the hospital. I being an EMT knew she was going and helped put her in the Ambulance. I went up to see her with my daughter a few days later. They ran test and tried so many things to help her. They did a scope down her throat and tried to put a balloon in there to open it up. She has a lot of scare tissue form acid reflux and it was causing her problems eating and breathing. That helped some but not much because when ever we get her something to eat she turns her nose up at it. She is 78 years old and weighs less than 90 pounds. They did a test on her kidney's and one isn't working at all, the other is almost gone. There is nothing left they can do. My Mom called me yesterday morning and told me she was coming home. I was so happy. I thought she was going to be alright. Little did I know the truth until later in the day. I would give anything to keep my Grandmother here.

I didn't get to know her growing up and until the last few years I had gotten really close to her. I spent the afternoon with my Grandma after she came home. My husband is on the Volunteer Fire Department and he was in a training class all day yesterday and came home around 6 last night. Shortly after 8 pm my Mom called and asked to talk to him, I didn't think anything of it and handed him the phone. A few moments later he hung up the phone and turned the TV off to talk to me. He told me that Grandma did have much time left and my Mom didn't want to tell me that morning because she knows how I am, and she her self is still having to deal with it all. I can't image how she feels with it being her Mom. I am so scared and I feel so lost, I feel like I am just here drifting in limbo. I have tried to eat, but I am not hungry and my husband not home isn't helping matters. I mean he has to work during the week and keep things going with the fire department and I know that he is here not matter what I all would have to do is pick up the phone. I just don't want to bother him with all that he has to do. I lost 7 pounds last week and I put 4 pounds back on or I think I did. I have become obsessed with my weight and I weigh my self several times a day and it drives me crazy to see it going up and down through out the day. I go to bed weighing one thing and wake up the next morning 3 pounds lighter. I haven't a clue as to what to do with that. I am feeling lonely, disconnect, and plain awful and I cannot seem to get out of it. I have 2 kids and I need to be strong for them but they haven't a clue as to what is going on and they are always asking why is Mommy crying. I tried to talk to them but all I could say is Mommy is dealing with alot of stuff right now and you don't need to worry about it, that's my job. I am not sure as to why I am writing all this in here, but I feel a little better just getting it out. I cannot seem to get motivated to do anything other than just sit here. The gym I go to is closed on the weekends so I cannot go and let it out in a work out. Although I live in Alabama the weather today is like my mood so I cannot go for a walk unless I want to go out in the rain. I don't even want to shop and that's new for me. :ohwell: : For anyone that reads this thank you even if you don't leave a comment and say a silent pray to your self it is much needed and I am so thankful I have everyone here. I better go and see Grandma, again than you everyone!

icandoit · February 2008

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
You take care.

zenmama · February 2008

I just lost my dad last Dec (06) and I know how you are feeling since I have been there myself..

.my thoughts are with you

dd

alaskagal · February 2008

It's certainly a tough time for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

God's peace be with you

RowanC · February 2008

You're in my prayers Shanel.:flowerforyou:

The one thing I'd say is about your children. I wonder if it is possible your emotional state really could be frightening for them. Have you considered just telling them the truth? That Grandma is sick and going to die and it's ok because everybody dies, but you're just feeling very sad because you're going to miss her? And that's what's making you cry? They will understand that.

I mean, kids are really quite brilliant at "getting it." This might be an excellent opportunity to discuss the concept of death with them.

And the death of their grandmother might be a lot less scary than wondering why their mom is falling apart? Wondering if whatever the horrible thing is will also impact THEM? Wondering if they did something wrong?

Anyway.. just a thought.

One more thing. The very best thing you can do now BEFORE your Grandmother dies is to go visit her. Take your kids. Tell her you love her. Tell her how she's influenced your life. And then just be there holding her hand when the time comes for her journey.

MontanaGirl · February 2008

I'm so sorry!!! I wish things were different :flowerforyou:

As far as weighing yourself - please only do 1 time a day - should probably only be once a week. Your weight will flexuate during the day from a few pounds to as many as 11 or 12. This is dependent on how much water you are drinking (every regular glass is 1 lb) and what you eat. You weigh less in the a.m. then p.m. because your body processess the food/liquid. So, if you must weigh every day, at least do it in the a.m. after elimination and before eating/drinking.

Plus - please don't let your obsession become a cover up for your feelings during this difficult time. You need to allow yourself to grieve and not cover it up with food or obsession. And please be honest with your children. I lost my brother when I was six and didn't really know anything until they told me he had died. Please let them know what is going on. They will be much better off later for it and for having the opportunity to say good-bye. Blessings and hugs are coming your way!! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

ariannedavis · February 2008

Shanel,
Our prayers are with you and your family.

I understand. Reading your post sounded like when I lost my grandfather. I had become very close to him during college, and when I got the phone call from my sister that he was given between 2days and 2 months, I spent the next three days throwing up. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I went to visit him on Ffriday afternoon, he passed away Sunday morning.

There is nothing like watching your father cry. The one person I always thought was invincible was suddenly rendered helpless. But, as a family, we came through. You can not keep it in, that is why it felt so good to type your feelings here. You need to talk and share your feelings! We are all here for you, as is your family.

:flowerforyou:

jesusgrl14 · February 2008

You are definitely in my prayers. I lost my grandmother 14 years ago and I STILL get emotional whenever I talk/think about her. You will get through and help give her the joy of knowing how much she matters and that you are so thankful for the time you shared. I didn't get to do that with my grammy, she was gone quickly, and that is one thing I SO regret not having had the chance to do.
I would agree with the post above about telling your kids. They are much more intuitive than we think and will know that this is more than just stress tears. Let them grieve with you, they deserve that time too.

Anise6789 · February 2008

Shanel, You asked us to pray,so I assume your a person of faith. Faith is trusting God,and believing the best, no matter how sad situations look. I lost my dad at 19,and many other loved ones.Two years ago I lost my only son.Faith is trusting,and so I have. who am I to question what God deems best. My grandmother died at 96. She had outlived three of her children,and was loosing her mind,and her health was poor. She told me it would be awful if she lived another year.She was not depressed,but matter of factly saw her plight and was ready to go to the after life she much believed in.I was glad for her to go,and while sorry for myself, I knew my job was to keep on keeping on till it was time for me as well. Fortunately I was with her as she faced death,and I am glad I was strong,and able to comfort,and hopefully make that easier for her. We are pretty helpless when it comes to this , trust Godthat he knows what hes doing. If you really believe life can only get better for her, in being with the Lord. YOu are young and will face many difficult things. Comfort your children,and mother, and Granny. Be strong and there for others. Stop weighing but once a week.Hold it together and get alone with God and work this thing out. I am here if you need me,on a daily basis. God bless you all, sincerely Anise6789

Shanel_Troia · February 2008

Thank you all for your kind words. My kids are the ages of 4 and 9. My daughter who is 4 speaks without thinking as must kids do. I am worried that if she doesn't pass after a few days my daughter will say well why aren't you dead yet. I have talked to my son who is 9 a little bit. I told him that Grandma (his great Grandma) is very sick. He asked me if she was going to die. I was floored to put it mildly. I think he knows. I can talk more openly with him than my daughter. It is into the afternoon and I am finally starting to come around. I cannot say I feel normal but I don't feel disconnected as much as before I try to hid my tears from the kids, because I don't want to make them upset. I want them to celebrate her life not morn her death. Does that make any sense? Grandma is at peace, she knows that it is her time and she is ready to go. I just don't want her to go. They know she is sick and that is why we try to go to the house often, but giving Grandma time to rest. The best part is she lives across the street with my parents so we can just walk over anytime and spend as long as we want. I am thankful for that. The weather is a bad as my mood, but I am going to brave the storm not only outside with the weather, but also within myself. Again thank you all for your kind words and prayers!
Shanel

I need to vent and ask for help!

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