Frustrated

I'm frustrated. I know I've come a long way and more often than not, I feel pretty good about my body, even though I still have a ways to go. But recently, more bad things than good have been on my mind.

First of all, the other day, I was sitting in the car holding onto that little bar thing above the window. I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that I had stuff hanging down from my arm. I kind of freaked out. I swear that this was never there before. Yeah, my arms were bigger, but there was no flab there. My husband said that it might be just extra skin from the weight loss and still a little bit of fat. Whatever it is, it is new and I do NOT like it at all.

The other thing is bathing suits, lol. I had come to terms with the fact that even when I hit goal weight, I'd probably never be able to wear a bikini. But then I started spending some time with my cousin's friend who just moved out here. She's great, first of all, lol. But we are very similar in size- we could share clothes. I have some parts that are smaller (waist, hips, maybe thighs) than her and some that are bigger (breasts), but if I were to give my honest opinion, I think that I weigh less than her (we are about the same height too). She is much stronger than me I'm sure, but doesn't have any visible muscle definition. We've been spending a lot of time at the pool and at the beach, and she always wears a bikini. And despite the fact that we are so similar size-wise, she actually looks decent in a bikini, and I'm really torn up about it. I still have that awkward roll where my belly button is indented in and then there is a bit of an overhang of my stomach over my hip area that makes it impossible for me to wear a bikini, even though my waist is smaller than hers. She has a large stomach but hers is just rounded and she doesn't have any rolls. And I don't understand it. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why I look this and not more like her.

It was easy when I was heavier and always the largest one in the room to say that I'd never be able to wear a bikini. But now that I'm so much smaller, and have worked so hard and come so far, I can't just accept it anymore. I know that the fact that my breasts are pretty large would prevent me from wearing certain things anyways, but that's not what I'm taking issue with now. I don't get why the rest of me doesn't look better, you know? Especially now that there are others that I see (not just her- there was another girl at the pool one day who was similar in size to both of us (no muscle definition to her either) and she had a bikini on too) that look so much better than me even though we could share clothes.

:grumble: I've just been super frustrated lately and I think my husband is sick of hearing it, so I felt the need to vent. Thanks for listening and for any words of encouragement/advice... I appreciate it.