I'm becoming anorexic.
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askinnylegendicon
Posts: 10 Member
Hello, world.
A short introduction: I am a 20 yo male, with a height of 182/3 cm (6 feet).
I started my MFP journey in January of this year. On January 7th, I weighed 102 kg (225 lbs), and until June my weight dropped down to 62 kg (137 lbs). Currently, I weigh 59 kg (130 lbs).
I thought that losing the weight would fix all of my problems, but it just started making me resent myself more and more by the day. It also started a lot of issues with my family who now skinny shame me and comment on everything I eat, after having fat shamed me for so long (I was obese for 11 years).
I cannot stop counting calories, and I cannot stop myself from restricting sometimes, even by 50, 100, 150 calories per day. Today, I ate at maintenance and I truly want to continue doing that, but it seems impossible. It's weird that I hate my body even more now, since my wide hip bones don't match the rest of my body, and my stretch marks are more visible and I have disgusting layers of loose skin.
On the inside, I still feel like the fatty I once was. I still binge, I still eat unhealthy (chocolate, popcorn, ice cream, chips, chocolate peanut butter and cereal make up most of my daily intake). And if I ever ate above my maintenance calories, I would make sure to restrict even more the following days until my next binge.
Maybe it has to do with me losing all of my friends (some backstabbers that deserved it, some moved far away) and not leaving my apartment, and not having the will to make new friends or find a partner. But I don't like what I'm turning into, I don't like what I see in the mirror every single time.
I want to be healthy. I want not to obsess over every single calorie. I want to be happy with myself and my body.
Any advice?
A short introduction: I am a 20 yo male, with a height of 182/3 cm (6 feet).
I started my MFP journey in January of this year. On January 7th, I weighed 102 kg (225 lbs), and until June my weight dropped down to 62 kg (137 lbs). Currently, I weigh 59 kg (130 lbs).
I thought that losing the weight would fix all of my problems, but it just started making me resent myself more and more by the day. It also started a lot of issues with my family who now skinny shame me and comment on everything I eat, after having fat shamed me for so long (I was obese for 11 years).
I cannot stop counting calories, and I cannot stop myself from restricting sometimes, even by 50, 100, 150 calories per day. Today, I ate at maintenance and I truly want to continue doing that, but it seems impossible. It's weird that I hate my body even more now, since my wide hip bones don't match the rest of my body, and my stretch marks are more visible and I have disgusting layers of loose skin.
On the inside, I still feel like the fatty I once was. I still binge, I still eat unhealthy (chocolate, popcorn, ice cream, chips, chocolate peanut butter and cereal make up most of my daily intake). And if I ever ate above my maintenance calories, I would make sure to restrict even more the following days until my next binge.
Maybe it has to do with me losing all of my friends (some backstabbers that deserved it, some moved far away) and not leaving my apartment, and not having the will to make new friends or find a partner. But I don't like what I'm turning into, I don't like what I see in the mirror every single time.
I want to be healthy. I want not to obsess over every single calorie. I want to be happy with myself and my body.
Any advice?
48
Replies
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Congratulations for losing the weight. You DID IT!! Now it’s time to maintain. Ask around here find a dietician or a nutritionist and have someone help you to figure out how to slowsly add back calories and be okay with that. Counting calories can be tedious and time consuming but please don’t try and become obsessed with it. I think even meeting with a therapist will help. You will be okay! Everything will be okay. Find your beauty within and it will shine. Focus on eating a variety of food within reason, pick up hiking, walking.... find glory outside of dieting. Find you!!27
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At 6 feet and 130lb, you are now underweight, which I think you know. And it's why you're here. I realize that you were overweight before and you are probably deathly afraid of getting there again. Catching this early and seeking help is great! But you should really see a doctor. Disordered eating can be very hazardous to your health and you should see a doctor to help you put on weight and deal with your fear of becoming overweight again. The binging and restricting is something that a medical professional can help you deal with. It sounds like you have had disordered eating habits for a long time, you're just now doing them purposely under maintenance to lose weight. Good luck with everything!20
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Give yourself some kudos for recognizing that you're in trouble. Many don't. Check into counselling to help you through this. You are not alone. Many people think that losing weight will fix all of the horrible things going on in their head. It doesn't. As for the skin, you've lost a lot and quickly, your skin will take some time to bounce back from that. It's just a little slower than other parts of your body. Plus, you are underweight, as you get to a normal weight, some of it will fill back in. The stretch marks should fade over time. I know you don't feel it now, but you can learn to be happy in your own skin. Please do get some professional help before it gets worse.16
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I’m sure you realize that mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of and that you may be suffering from depression that can manifest in many ways. It’s also easy to solve and does not necessarily require long-term treatment.
Exercise is a great way to boost seratonin, even going outside for a nice walk while listening to a podcast will help.
Last, turn your attention to a VERY nutritious diet that will provide all the nutrients your body needs. Build your health from the inside out. Eat the rainbow.
I hope some of this helps and that you will be kind to your body. It’s the only one you have.9 -
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I just want to send you a hug, and say that maybe a weight loss forum is not the best place for you to seek guidance just at the moment. There is an inherent danger in diagnosing someone online but is there someone you can talk to? Sometimes we project onto things which aren’t the problem, and fixating on them won’t help. Is there a friend or counsellor you can share your thoughts with? Look after yourself.10
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Please, please listen to the advice here- and seek counseling You need someone to help you see things clearly in your own mind- You are worth it!- God Bless and take Care!!!!3
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I would suggest that you seek professional medical help. No amount of diet is going to fill the hole you are feeling.
In the meantime, I would try to focus on exercise and gaining muscle. You are in a perfect position (age, weight, height) to eat higher calories and with lifting weights gain muscle.4 -
Weight lifting may help with your body image, but please do seek professional help as well.
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See your doctor for a referral for mental health treatment in your area.5
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I think you're very brave to realize that something needs to change. Beginning is often the most difficult part of a journey. As the others have said, a professional would be best equipped to help you with this challenge. And that's what it is. A challenge. Not impossible but a challenge to be overcome. While you are in the process of finding a professional to help, I would encourage you to add in a little more calories each day. Your body needs food for fuel. Please don't feel badly about giving it what it needs. Please know that many people on this forum care about you. And please, check in when you can and let us know how you are doing.
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You have a double issue. Incredibly fast weight loss and issues you need to look into and resolve.
The fast loss is not helping the resolution because both your mind and body need to catch up with the changes.
Either you CAN increase calories to maintenance+ a slight surplus right **kitten** now--immediately.
Or you can't.
If you can't, seeing a doctor and getting help is an emergency.
If you can *immediately* start eating at maintenance+, continuing to do so for a period of time and weight restoring to a BMI of 20 from your current 17.7 may help reduce your level of ED ideation. Seeing a doctor would still be a good idea.
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I suggest looking up John Glaude on YouTube. He's lost a lot of weight and is very understanding about food and body image issues. A super positive guy.
You gotta find your crew; a core group of people who get you and will stand by you.
Seek help as others have suggested and may you find peace in yourself. I'm rooting for you.6 -
I wanted to send you a hug and a gesture of friendship! I can imagine perhaps the feeling that you just can't win and that losing the weight hasn't solved the way you were treated so badly, it sounds like seeing a professional would really help you make sense of it all and show you the way forward. I'm in the same boat and have recently started with professional help and it does make a difference, please see your provider as a matter of urgency for a referral. Things can and will get better but don't do this alone. I was also in a very similar situation 30 years ago as you, don't be me, sort it out now. xxxx4
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I'm so sorry you feel uneasy right now at this time in your life. You are trying to get a sense of control through your eating habits. Dieting does give us a sense of control and it is also a diversion from other aspects of life.
You are underweight and you are lucky that you know it is a problem; and it is. You need to find a professional to help lead you out of these troubled waters of starving yourself.
You are a worthwhile person, you are more than your body. I'm sure when you gain some weight back and work out. you'll look fabulous. Remember, there is more to a person then how they look, no one is perfect. Please get the help you need.2 -
Thank you everyone for the kind words and motivation. Today for some reason I fainted, which freaked me out and it was kind of a wake up call for my recovery, which I'm starting tomorrow. Wish me luck 🤞🍀 I hope I get better on my own, and if I can't then I know I'll have to seek professional help.12
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Wishing you the best of luck with your recovery. Please check in with us and let us know how you're doing!
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