I'm becoming anorexic.

Hello, world.

A short introduction: I am a 20 yo male, with a height of 182/3 cm (6 feet).
I started my MFP journey in January of this year. On January 7th, I weighed 102 kg (225 lbs), and until June my weight dropped down to 62 kg (137 lbs). Currently, I weigh 59 kg (130 lbs).

I thought that losing the weight would fix all of my problems, but it just started making me resent myself more and more by the day. It also started a lot of issues with my family who now skinny shame me and comment on everything I eat, after having fat shamed me for so long (I was obese for 11 years).

I cannot stop counting calories, and I cannot stop myself from restricting sometimes, even by 50, 100, 150 calories per day. Today, I ate at maintenance and I truly want to continue doing that, but it seems impossible. It's weird that I hate my body even more now, since my wide hip bones don't match the rest of my body, and my stretch marks are more visible and I have disgusting layers of loose skin.

On the inside, I still feel like the fatty I once was. I still binge, I still eat unhealthy (chocolate, popcorn, ice cream, chips, chocolate peanut butter and cereal make up most of my daily intake). And if I ever ate above my maintenance calories, I would make sure to restrict even more the following days until my next binge.

Maybe it has to do with me losing all of my friends (some backstabbers that deserved it, some moved far away) and not leaving my apartment, and not having the will to make new friends or find a partner. But I don't like what I'm turning into, I don't like what I see in the mirror every single time.

I want to be healthy. I want not to obsess over every single calorie. I want to be happy with myself and my body.

Any advice?

Replies

  • debtay123
    debtay123 Posts: 1,327 Member
    Please, please listen to the advice here- and seek counseling You need someone to help you see things clearly in your own mind- You are worth it!- God Bless and take Care!!!!
  • bpotts44
    bpotts44 Posts: 1,066 Member
    I would suggest that you seek professional medical help. No amount of diet is going to fill the hole you are feeling.

    In the meantime, I would try to focus on exercise and gaining muscle. You are in a perfect position (age, weight, height) to eat higher calories and with lifting weights gain muscle.
  • GretelGSD
    GretelGSD Posts: 11 Member
    I wanted to send you a hug and a gesture of friendship! I can imagine perhaps the feeling that you just can't win and that losing the weight hasn't solved the way you were treated so badly, it sounds like seeing a professional would really help you make sense of it all and show you the way forward. I'm in the same boat and have recently started with professional help and it does make a difference, please see your provider as a matter of urgency for a referral. Things can and will get better but don't do this alone. I was also in a very similar situation 30 years ago as you, don't be me, sort it out now. xxxx
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,324 Member
    I'm so sorry you feel uneasy right now at this time in your life. You are trying to get a sense of control through your eating habits. Dieting does give us a sense of control and it is also a diversion from other aspects of life.

    You are underweight and you are lucky that you know it is a problem; and it is. You need to find a professional to help lead you out of these troubled waters of starving yourself.
    You are a worthwhile person, you are more than your body. I'm sure when you gain some weight back and work out. you'll look fabulous. Remember, there is more to a person then how they look, no one is perfect. Please get the help you need.
  • fittocycle
    fittocycle Posts: 827 Member
    Wishing you the best of luck with your recovery. Please check in with us and let us know how you're doing!