127 lbs lost, yet still a failure

BV1980 · October 2018

I joined this site way back in 2009 when I was 29 and about to turn 30. I was 452 lbs and desperate to make some changes. I had never had a girlfriend and was really motivated to change that. I always wanted to get married and have a family and that wasn't going to happen with my weight. I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer, and logged on this site every single day. There were ups and downs, but it is nearly 10 years later and I have managed to lose keep off 127 lbs. I worked on everything about myself. I worked hard at my career and am now a senior software engineer. My house is well on its way to being paid off. I have saved and saved and have made great progress to my retirement account balances. Over these past 10 years I traveled all over the US and even spent 2 weeks in Europe. I have done all of this alone.

I worked hard at dating too. People always told me that I needed to work on myself and then work on meeting someone and that is what I did. I have tried everything I could think of. I joined pay dating sites as well as the free ones and have gone on many first dates. I always pay and then am told later on that I am not their type. The most recent girl didn't even bother to tell me that though. I showed up at the restaurant for the second date and got stood up. Not a word from her. It ruined my whole weekend. I felt like such a fool. Why does this keep happening? I was patient. It has been nearly 10 years since I started really working on myself and getting to the point I am at. I am so tired of hearing that I need to just be patient or that it will happen. I have been patient. I am 38 now and still have yet to have a girlfriend. I am a 38 year old virgin. I wanted to get married and have a family and that isn't happening. Yeah I did this for myself and my health, but what is the point of being healthy and living a long life when you have to live it alone? I am so unbelievably frustrated. I've done everything I can think of. I have worked very hard and yet somehow I am still the loser failure who comes home to an empty dark house every night and has to eat alone. Or travel alone. Or go to a movie alone. I am so tired of doing everything alone.

What more do I need to do? I feel so defeated as I am quickly approaching 40 now and still don't know what it is like. It isn't as if I am checking in 10 years later and regretting not getting started. I got started and I worked hard. I worked at so many aspects of myself and my life. I just never saw the end goal. I am still incredibly isolated and lonely. This wasn't supposed to be. I am not sure what to do from here and I feel so panicked about it all. I have no plan B for life. I set myself up to be a provider. I even have a savings account that is designated as an "engagement ring account" for when the day came that I would propose to someone. That account has grown and grown and is much more than needed, but I never thought it would stay invested and never get used. I feel like cashing it in and just giving it all to a children's hospital or something. I will never get to use it for what it was planned. I am just so in disbelief that after nearly ten years of working so hard that I am still alone. I cannot believe it. I don't know what else to do.

danielleedwards018 · October 2018

Firstly, congratulations on what you have done, and have achieved so far. Even if you feel like a failure, in being healthy and losing weight, you’re not.

I’m so sorry you feel like this, and nothing you’ve dreamed of has happened yet despite your efforts. What I’m going to do is be a little frank.

Firstly, what sort of women have you been dating? Are they all similar in some or several ways? Or have you tried dating a variety of women, even those who might not appeal to you straight away? Sometimes taking a chance on a woman you wouldn’t have is an unexpected boon. How are you meeting them? Online, at meetups, through friends? If online, try different websites.

I don’t know if you want your first time to be ‘special’ but a few male friends I have in similar situations to you (age 30 and up, virgins, lonely), have paid for the services of an escort. I don’t know if that’s legal whoever you live, but if you do, spend a little bit on a high quality one you can take to dinner first and get to know a little so your not nervous. Sometimes just getting that out of the way before you try something in a relationship gives you a confidence you wouldn’t expect.

Pootler74 · October 2018

Having gone through the online dating thing myself, I know that it can be a fantastic life experience and also the best and fastest way to ruin your self-confidence. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You've done something amazing. Losing that much weight takes real character. You've worked so hard, and it's clear from the way you write (and your photo) that you are a bit of a catch. Actually, someone who puts in that much effort to improve his life is probably pretty extraordinary.

It must seem so unfair that after all your hard work in the rest of your life, you've not found the big pay-off in your love life that you want. I think it will happen for you, but finding an extraordinary woman to match you might just take a bit longer than finding the ordinary woman that most other people deserve. I know that sounds trite, but I mean it.

I have a few male friends (full disclosure: most of them are ex-dates) who have been in a similar situation to you. What I've noticed is that some of them have found success when they stopped looking for a woman to complete them and started looking for a woman to complement them. They had this idea, mostly unconscious, but sometimes not, that they needed a particular kind of woman to demonstrate their worth. They get first dates with these apparently amazing women because being able to hold a conversation, even just being able to send a decent first message, is a bit of a rare skill. But these women seem to be looking for something else. It's like they think they want a nice man, but when they date one, they decide he's not enough and bail out. I don't know. It just seems to be a bit of a pattern.

A couple of these male friends, having had enough of being messed around, had a good think about what it was about these women that wasn't working for them and what was working, and they changed their approach.

One of them stopped messaging the super hot, impressive women and instead went for profiles with friendly photo, women that sounded real and human. The ones that say I'm pretty good at fixing bikes, but I am a disaster in the kitchen. I didn't finish college, but I have a really interesting job that pays peanuts and makes me happy. My skin is all saggy from losing 100 pounds but I can bench press 100 pounds. And these women showed a real interest in him. Asked interesting questions about him. Listened. Insisted on splitting the bill. He's in a great relationship now.

The other friend decided to stop hoping that each date would be The One, abandon his list of things he thought he wanted, and started to use dating as a way to find out more about the sort of person he really wanted and needed. He learned to spot the time-wasters from their profiles and photos. Quite a skill, actually. He hasn't found his match, but his dating life has improved significantly and he's made some great female friends along the way. He's feeling much better about himself too.

(I helped them both rewrite their dating profiles and I think that actually helped. If you want me to take a look at yours, I'd be happy to!)

Another friend, well, he didn't do either of those things. He's still going for the super hot photos and glossing over the profile text, and he is still being ghosted, stood up and rarely getting second dates. To be honest, he's not exactly honest about who he REALLY is in his dating profile either, though, which I suspect is part of the reason things aren't going so well for him.

I've lost a lot of weight too. I got to my goal weight, and was still single and, even though I'd changed a lot, I still felt like me. I think I'd expected to feel like someone else! It was the weirdest feeling. And really disappointing after all the effort I'd put in. I had some great dates, but nothing that felt right for me. I'd figured out what sort of man I wanted and needed, but thought I would never be good enough for them. Which turned out to be rubbish, because once I stopped looking and had regained about 30 pounds and decided to just be a cat lady (I kid you not - I fostered cats for the local shelter) and resign myself to never finding The One... of course, he turned up. That's just how life goes.

Don't lose hope. Keep working on yourself. Try to live the most interesting life you can. Have a good think about what you really want. There's a lid for every pot, as my ex-mother-in-law says. I think you might be a Mauviel or Le Crueset sort of pot. Those lids are just a bit harder to come by. :-) x

_aenyeweddien_ · October 2018

Remember the Universe gives the hardest battles to the strongest warriors:)

I know it must be hard to believe it right now, but it will change. You will find the right person, I'm sure she's out there somewhere. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes what seems to be a failure is a blessing in disguise. It didn't work out with the women you dated because they were not meant for you, you're yet to meet your soulmate.

Have you heard of Law of Attraction? Instead of thinking ''I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm a failure'', start thinking '' I'm strong, successful, happy, beautiful person and I will meet the love of my life soon''. Visualise it. Raise your vibration, surround yourself with positive energy instead of negative.

And well done on your amazing weight loss! I can't even begin to imagine how hard it was, you've done what's impossible for some people, you should give yourself some credit!

Keep your head up, better times are on the way:)

biscuitforcefield · October 2018

First the big one - CONGRATULATIONS. You have lost an entire person in weight, and you have done yourself so many favours for your health.

Second, the tough love - you have not earned a girlfriend, or a wife, just by losing weight. I'm not saying that you believe this, please understand me. You have worked damned hard to get where you are, and have had a ton of great experiences along the way, which have helped you grow as a person. However, many of us lose weight, get fitter, and do other stuff, only to find that life isn't magically better and a fairytale afterwards. We don't get a person as a prize at the end, despite what society conditions us to believe (that "good-looking" equals "getting a perfect life").

Third, the (harsh) reality - you may never have a partner. If that IS the case (and it may not be) - what will you invest yourself in instead? Think of all the things you could do with your time. What hobbies can you take up that involve meeting others? Trekking, horse-riding or other outdoor pursuits? Am-dram? Tabletopping? A competitive sport? Dog-walking? Build yourself a community and you will naturally grow your network that way.

What about pets or volunteering? Family isn't just made up of humans that we marry or give birth to. We can choose them ourselves and still be fulfilled in love and happiness.

GoodLardy · October 2018

For me, I like letting things happen naturally . If I were single again, i would participate in activities I loved, where hopefully there would be members of the opposite sex. In those situations, get to know people, be friends first, ask lots of questions about the other person, enjoy a good chase. A dinner date (for me) = boring. It’s funny you bring this up, as there is a guy at work in this same situation and we were just discussing it. Except the ring thing. Two close friends found love at 35 years plus. You’ve got time.You sound like a great guy, I wish you the very best!

huango · October 2018

Good job on working on yourself.

If you were my brother, I'd tell you the same things.

1. Let's say you're a solid 6 on scale of 1-10 for hotness.
Do you ping women that are 8-10, or 5-7 on the scale?

I truly think that you should skip all the hotties, and focus on the "average" ladies.
Many of them would actually be grateful that an honest to good guy is interested in them.

Go on many dates with these women and PRACTICE the art of dating and being comfortable conversing with women. Because there are certain things you do NOT do on your 1st date.
Then start going for the hotter level 8 women.

I call it like job interviews.
Go on as many job interviews as you can, even for jobs you don't want, so that when that perfect job comes up, you'll be smooth and prepared for THAT job interview.

2. I don't think you should have to settle, but sometimes, what you miss out on (the outer hot features), you get back in spades for a wonderful person who will love you for you.

I have this male friend.
He doesn't have a weight issue; instead he's short 5'4". Yup, not many women like short men.
He's a 6 on a good day. He keeps pursuing these amazing 8/9 women who just uses him for nice dinners and concerts, etc.
He's still single.

Note: I'm happily married for 23years, so I do believe that your fight to find your beloved is worth it.
Amanda

cheryldumais · October 2018

Lots of good advice here. Dating sites are hit and miss from what I've heard. Some people are dishonest so the match is useless. I have a friend who used a matchmaker and is happily preparing to marry. She is around your age.

My next comment is a question you need to ask yourself... Are you looking for the perfect woman? Most men want the woman who looks like a model. Nothing wrong with that necessarily but some of them tend to be very self-centered. When your whole world revolves around being beautiful it can make you rather one-dimensional. Try dating an ordinary woman. She might not be perfect but if she has interests in common with you that makes all the difference in the world. Join a club of some sort that fits your interests. My son has a friend who married a woman he met at some horror movie thing. They both love that stuff. If you really want a mate you want someone who you can have fun with. Make sure your goals fit as in having children. Not everyone is willing these days.

Good luck! You have already proven that you can achieve anything, don't give up now.

mom23mangos · October 2018

GoodLardy wrote: »

For me, I like letting things happen naturally . If I were single again, i would participate in activities I loved, where hopefully there would be members of the opposite sex. In those situations, get to know people, be friends first, ask lots of questions about the other person, enjoy a good chase. A dinner date (for me) = boring. It’s funny you bring this up, as there is a guy at work in this same situation and we were just discussing it. Except the ring thing. Two close friends found love at 35 years plus. You’ve got time.You sound like a great guy, I wish you the very best!

This! ^ If I were single I would join something like Events and Adventures and just go do a lot of fun activities around other singles. Make friends and get to know people face to face without the pressure of dating. Learn who has common interests with you. Meetup is another great way to meet people with common interests.

I wanted to say too that the incredibly hard work you have put in over these past 10 years on multiple areas of your life is phenomenal. Not many people can do that. Good for you for working on yourself before looking for someone else to share you life with. I'm assuming that you also worked on your social and relationship skills as well. You sound like a great guy and I know you've heard it over and over and don't believe it, but there is definitely someone out there for you. You may not find them in the timeframe you hoped for, but as others have said you can create a very rich fulfilling life without a SO. Join a travel group so you don't have to travel alone. Be a Big Brother so you can feel the reward of having a positive impact on a youngster's life. Heck, even look into adoption if that's something you might be interested in. A friend of mine just adopted a baby and he's single and gay, so it's not impossible.

Chin up! And best of luck to you.

tcunbeliever · October 2018

Where are your friends?

Being in a romantic relationship is nice and all, but you seem lonely just as a human being.

Maybe online is not for you. Maybe in person from the start is better. Maybe do hobbies and meet people and make friends so you can travel and do fun stuff and not be alone, even if you haven't found Mrs. Right.

Plus, it really can't be just your weight and maybe it's time to think about other non-weight improvements. Girls say you are not their type when they don't find you physically attractive, but also when they don't find you emotionally or mentally attractive. First dates are just for getting to start to know people, not dumping your life story on them, not having a pity part, and definitely not talking about future rings or weddings or children. Those would all be things I would definitely run from back when I was dating. And those kinds of things are things that guys do all the time. First dates are for having fun, talking about work or hobbies or whatever movies and trips you have been on lately. Keep it light. Maybe do coffee or a bakery/dessert shop for a "date" instead of dinners...it's less time and less financial investment...and might be more successful.

Practice dates with female friends are also a super cool way to get feedback, particularly if you know girls that are brutally honest, and, of course, if you think you can handle honesty.

For that matter, why aren't your female friends hooking you up with decent female candidates? Maybe that is a good question to ask them. Consider it a room for improvement talk and not an attack and do try not to get defensive.

The other thing to consider is body language. I have met a few people who just have terrible body language and anytime what you say and what your body language says are not consistent it tends to make people uneasy and uncomfortable, and often they don't even understand why. So maybe picking up some books on body language and spending some time paying attention to others who are successful with women and pay attention to your own body language, you might find that things are a bit amiss and you may inadvertently be scaring women away without even realizing it. Women are very intuitive, it's unfortunate that we live in a world that is sometimes dangerous for single gals, but that's the reality of it and that's why women usually shy away from any situation that feels "off" or "weird" even if they can't pinpoint any real problem.

And if you really want to understand the female psyche then you can try reading dating books for women, it will tell you what they probably expect (on average) in terms of date behavior.

Kimmotion5783 · October 2018

I completely understand where you're coming from and totally feel you, story of my life! Over the past two years, I've lost 125 pounds and while losing weight has been a marvelous life-changing experience, it does not magically solve every problem in life. It just teaches you how to better deal with any crap that gets thrown your way.

Like you, I'm single and trying to put myself out there, make friends, hopefully meet a guy, and just experience every wonderful thing life has to offer. Unfortunately, more often than not I end up going places and doing things alone because the friends I invited never respond half the time or are too busy for me. As harsh a reality as that is, it made me realize that maybe these are not my people. We're all "busy" but real friends make time for you. It's just a matter of getting out there, trying different things, finding activity groups that fit your interest and stuff. Finding your tribe, so to speak.

As for online dating, it's a crap show in my opinion. I've met too many phony people online that I've given up hope of ever finding a single date online let alone a wholesome relationship. I'm convinced that maybe it's better that way: want real love, then look in the real world. Easier said than done, I know. But it IS possible. There are good ones out there (like me) who will treat a guy right, want a solid, real relationship, won't play games, etc. We are hard to find and tough to get to, but I promise we're worth the pursuit. You seem like a great guy, I'd give you a chance. Just saying. Don't lose hope.

MystikPixie · October 2018

I understand your plight probably more than you could ever believe me. People are generally horrible as I've found, regardless of how "nice" they seem at first. I've had the "friends" that shove their "happy" married with kids existence down your throat, and then in turn cheat like crazy on their husbands and wives. I had my first and only relationship in my lifetime start after I turned 25, it was 3.5 years of hell. Cut to 10 years later after I finally left and I'm still scarred by the experience. I have never been "thin", though I was able to maintain. But the longer I had people lie to me and tell me that life is only about marriage and babies and how "happy" they were but that they all love me for me, no matter the size, the more driven I became to eat and do nothing. I knew they were all lying, but hated to be THAT person to throw some truth in someones face. Now I'm pushing 40, 300lbs of mess but getting better, and those people are nowhere to be seen, and I don't really care anymore. Probably still lying to themselves and everyone else about how happy they are. But I am free...

My point...Relationships aren't as wonderful as everyone makes you think they are. You are lucky to not have the anchors weighing you down. Find happiness in your freedom to do anything you want to do without having to ask permission or get approval to do it. You've done a great job.

KK

FarmerCarla · October 2018

If you're a child of God, start with prayer. You could learn to dance well (good dancers are popular with women). Be yourself and go where women are doing activities you enjoy. Don't be a wimp (you don't look like a wimp) and don't be pushy. God bless you!

mulecanter · October 2018

Lots of advice here. I got married at 38 and I understand your loneliness and sense of urgency. I would advise you to relax on that, you have plenty of time still. My advice as an older man is to keep working on yourself, everyone can get better. Try to exude positivity, nobody wants to date a Debbie Downer. Join stuff, be involved, see and be seen--an essential tactic in finding a mate. It's numbers, I dated every woman in Houston and then met someone in Dallas that I ended up married to. Online chats helped me get to know her without "physical chemistry" getting in the way. Establishing a friendship first made a big difference for me--jumping into the sack too soon often ruins the relationship. I also note in your post you talk about money alot. That's a subject you should not raise unless she brings it up. Be friends with couples, wives are great match-makers when they like you. Consider divorced women with children--I suspect divorced women know what they don't want so if they are interested in you you are likely on thick ice.

Faebert · October 2018

I agree with PP comments about the lack of any mention of friends. If this is the case then maybe that is where you need to start. We grow up with this narrative of meeting someone that will ‘complete’ us and suddenly everything is perfect and that’s all we need. The truth is that people are far more attracted to a partner that has lots in their life already, knows who they are and will be with them because they want to, not out of neediness.

The great news is you sound like you have lots of this - health, a good career, financial stability, well-travelled. You mention these things but all wrapped up in negative self-talk.

So I would say recognise how full your life is in many ways and be proud of it, then work on the areas where things are emptier. Starting with a social life that is not just about dating. Cultivate friendships so that you are not alone.

Then you will be finding someone to enhance what is already great, not just to fill a hole.

I say this as someone who had the typical story of graduate uni, get a good job, meet a guy, married and kids. But then had it all fall down when it suddenly ended. I’ve had to create a new life for myself and it was only when I did this that I could consider dating again. Happily ever after is not guaranteed, so make sure you have the fullest life you can on your own, to best prepare for sharing it with someone who deserves you.

Good luck

SummerTwentyOne · October 2018

I just want to congratulate you on your 127lbs loss, that’s amazing. In no way is that in the league of failing.

As for your personal life, I can completely relate. I also feel like I’m running out of time, however I’ve learned that you’ll never be “too late” as everyone has their own time zones. I can tell you right now somewhere out there your match is probably sitting at the desk at her job, thinking about when she’s going to find the perfect guy. You’ll bump into her when you least expect it.

swim777 · October 2018

You sound amazing! Congratulations on all that you have accomplished! I’ve seen lots of great advice here. Cultivating friendships, group activities that you enjoy, and prayer. Sometimes when we quit trying so hard, great things fall right into place!

GoodLardy · October 2018

Also, I see some pluses , if that’s a word, about you. You have red hair. You have a beard. Some ladies are super into that. Also, I see you fish. Volunteer at a kids fishing day or something like that in your area. Smile at the single moms and the aunties that are with their nieces and nephews. It melts a lot of hearts when a woman sees a man being nice to kids.

JeromeBarry1 · October 2018

You are not a failure. You are alive. What you describe is a fellow who somehow radiates a dread of rejection.
When you love your journey, someone will want to share it with you.

aurolena · October 2018

You're still here and going, so you haven't failed yet! You just haven't figured out your own marketing yet. Try getting into a hobby you enjoy and finding someone there. Go into it as a "friend, girlfriend, either way I'm going to know someone with even more connections to meet!" and try to find someone in that hobby. I'm the queen of picking terrible people because I found them attractive and didn't see the red flags. Plenty of people we find super hot are going to be awful for us. Try to meet and learn about as many new people as you can. Those people all have friends that might be compatible with you in some way!

I ended up finding my current spouse on World of Warcraft of all places. It's been a hobby of mine for 11 years so I've met a shitton of people along the way. He's definitely not what I'd call "traditionally sexy" or even what I was looking for when we met (I'm a bi woman but 90% prefer dating women). I would have been kind to him either way but never assumed that relationship was going to work. We were friends for a while, seemed interested in each other, and we're working! (5 years dating/married, 8 years friends) The hobby doesn't matter, just how many people you're meeting.

It might be kind of insulting, I promise I'm not trying to be that way, but therapy really helped me with my self defeating thoughts. When things happen it really does feel like I'm the worlds biggest loser that has never done anything right and isn't even worth digging out of the hole. The depression that comes after is crushing. Medication and my therapist helped. I still have bad days and lots of them, but life doesn't hurt as bad as it used to.

88olds · October 2018

Still a failure? Ah, no.

Agree that going around looking for someone to make you complete, is asking for trouble.

Failure to credit our own successes is a widespread problem in weight loss. Our brains have habits. Some of them are bad habits. Just like paths get worn through the woods, making the walking easier, neural pathways get worn in our heads. You seem to be caught in some old negativity. Push back.

I’m currently working with affirmations. Look on YouTube. There may be something there for you. But my standard pushback is objective fact.

So just the up front premise of your post, you are not a failure because you are unmatched, unmarried. I got married and started a family at 40 btw. Men have certain advantages in that regard. Life is complex. You are a complex being in world. You’ve succeeded at some things, struggled with others. You only fail when you quit. Edison tried 100s of times to make a marketable light bulb. At which point should have he declared himself a failure?

Add me or pm me if you’d like. We can swap fishing pics. Thanks for starting this terrific thread. I have a MFP streak of 800+ days, this thread is one of the best. (But don’t go the escort route. Bad idea.).

127 lbs lost, yet still a failure

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