127 lbs lost, yet still a failure

aemsley05 · October 2018

I've been reading through the posts and it reminded me of one of my biggest fears when I got divorced. See, at one point I would have been a perfect candidate for your ideal woman: all I'd ever dreamed of was getting married and having kids, I'm a big fan of metal, and I'm an MMO player (WoW is my life!). But I was young and I was desperate for the marriage and "happily ever after" that I'd always dreamed of, so at 23 I married a guy who played in a local band - despite the fact that in the months before the wedding we were having relationship counselling as our relationship and compatibility was a mess. It was a huge mistake, and by 25 I was separated with the divorce papers all signed and done by 26.

I was terrified that I'd never find someone else and get to live happily ever after - after all, who'd want to marry someone who'd already been there, done that and failed at it? I saw myself as damaged goods and not good enough to deserve happily ever after.

Since then my self-esteem has greatly improved and I'm now engaged to be married again next year. Fortunately my fiance (who's an overweight guy with little experience with women and relationships), never saw my previous marriage as a reason to rule me out. This time I'm not getting married because I'm desperate to get married; I'm getting married because I'm desperate to spend the rest of my life with this one, wonderful person who I've been lucky enough to find. It certainly isn't any less special because I've had a wedding before.

I'm not trying to tell you that you're wrong for not wanting to date women who've been married before, I just wanted to share my perspective from being one of those women. We're not all horrible people who just drone on about our exes, and we will seriously appreciate a good marriage and relationship because we've been through the horrors of a bad one. Just something to think about. You're free to choose who you want (or don't want) to be with.

notarunnermfp · October 2018

So as far as I can tell, the Uno woman who you dated for 3 months was the same one that always talked about her exes? Don't use her as your benchmark. Not everyone is like that.

You've gotten a ton of opinions and one more is not going make all the difference, but here are a few thoughts I had while reading through this thread- It sounds like you meet most of these women online and are messaging with them more than meeting in person? I am not a messaging person, I would rather see someone face to face. It's very easy to come across differently in a message than in person. If you date and eventually marry someone, it doesn't matter if you held a nice conversation via text.
I also think the stipulation about no kids or previous marriage is pretty limiting.
I realize I'm much younger and the situation is very different, but I met my husband when I was 18. He had a two year old who was not planned. As an 18 year old who had never been in a relationship, it wasn't and still isn't always easy to have a child in your life who isn't your own, but I do and he is now a smart, caring 10 year old. I also had to accept that my husband had had a lot more 'life experiences' because of the child and relationship. But not once have a ever felt compared to his ex. Actually, because of his ex I think he appreciates our relationship even more.

gboybama · October 2018

I wonder if the OP would classify himself as OCD at all? If so, he didn't mention it, but some of his thought processes seem to indicate that. I dunno. Maybe it was just due to a random choice of words he made and I'm completely off base. I've just struggled with it from time to time and the way I want things to conform to my idea of correct is sometimes limiting.

Where I'm going with this is that he wants things and wants them to conform to certain specifications most of the posters here deem unrealistic. I can understand where he's coming from though. I too had it in my mind that a potential mate needed to have a certain look and that I should be married by a certain age. I planned to have just one kid and my potential partner would hopefully agree on that. We could disagree on politics a little, but she needed to agree with me on core principles. She had to be have impeccable hygiene and tidy around the house. She needed to be at least as smart as me and able to carry her side of a conversation easily. She had better enjoy movies and music and basically like the same ones I do. I wasn't into her having more romantic experience than I did, much less previous kids and husbands.

So, what happened? I was approaching 30 and wasn't dating at all. Hadn't dated in 10 years, in fact. I had a drunk fling with a girl and ended up dating and marrying her because she was close enough and I wasn't getting any younger.

It was okay, but ended after 5 years. I thought it was time for us to have kids. She thought it was time to sleep with an ex-boyfriend. To be fair, I probably didn't seem like I'd be a good dad, given that I was pretty uncompromising about about a lot of things, especially things that were fun for me but excluded her. I probably would have phrased a lot of things kinda like the OP does when he says love, marriage and family are things he wants to "have." That implies (again, I could be wrong) that he is more focused on acquiring these things to satisfy his wants. Like me at that time, he may not fully understand that the whole point of it all is to sacrifice and give - to quit looking at your needs and fully embrace putting someone else ahead of yourself.

When you find the right person, they return the favor and everything clicks. One just has to get out of the mindset of obsessing over one's own needs - over the mindset that you deserve some thing or other and gosh dangit somebody needs to give it.

To wrap up, the unexpected happened for me. Immediately after splitting with my ex, I met a girl with 2 ex-husbands and a kid from each. I had every reason to be put off by the exes. One was a financial wreck who contributed nothing but drama and the other was a coke head who swore to murder me. However, I loved this girl, grew to love her kids and I was tired of being a selfish man-child. I learned to embrace the absolute chaos and craziness of it all and to understand that life can be a messy disaster. It doesn't respond well to plans or desires.

Twelve happy years later and having added another kid of our own, I realize I wouldn't change a thing. Sure, I'm 47 with a kid in fourth grade and my wife doesn't get British humor at all, but I don't see the many previous mistakes and years alone as a waste. They're just a tapestry of experiences that got me to where I am today. Will it last? Will life get better or worse over time? I just don't know, but want to be there to find out.

manderson27 · October 2018

@gboybama I think you might have hit the nail on the head here with your OCD insight. I had this feeling too when reading the OP. I was probably a bit blunt in my responses (British don't you know)

You're phrase "I was tired of being a selfish man-child" made me laugh but also reminded me of several men in my past that were just that and it is not attractive, most women don't want to have to pander to a man-child.

You have given some great insight here I hope the OP comes back and reads your post.

dawngmx · October 2018

You're not a failure. Online dating is just evil. Been there...done it. I had everything from one who thought the mafia was after him to a dude that lived in his brother's basement and collected baseball cards and toys.
Like others have said, get out and join the community. You never know what out there! You have a lot of good things about you, especially the fact you fish! If you hunt, I'd have to come find you.:p
Seriously though, judging by your post, you sound like a great guy. Hang in there; I'm sure the right one will come along when you least expect it.

tinseltr · October 2018

Hey BV1980 I haven't read what everyone else has wrote so sorry if there's some repetition.

You probably don't want to hear it but I hope you read this...
You are not alone and you're not a loser. There is such a thing as looking too hard and believe me I should know. I spent many years in a bad relationship with someone who treated me bad and ended that relationship with a 2 year old in tow. I spent a couple of years alone and then I searched for about 5 years for someone. I didn't always search hard but I searched and I dreamed. I signed up to match and payed the money only with no luck . I eventually signed up to Plenty Of Fish and 2 years later I found my boyfriend of 3 years now. We live 2hrs and 45mins apart. It sucks because we mostly only see each other on the weekends, but those weekends are awesome. It actually happened when I stopped looking so hard.
I'm not gorgeous or thin and to most people he's not the most handsome man ever although I love how he looks. He's grossly overweight but it doesn't matter.
I guess part of what I'm getting at here is that there's someone for everyone and everyone's love stories are different. Maybe you won't get married, it's not the be all. Don't judge yourself by the social norms we all seem so keen to adhere to. You're not everyone else, you're you.
Also those years I was looking I did a hugely important thing of taking up hobbies and through those things learnt things about myself and gained self confidence because I had things to talk about to interest others and relate to others with the same hobbies etc.
I could keep writing but I'd be here forever. I would love it if you'd add me as a friend, we could talk

Oh yeah huuuuge grats on the weight loss/maintenance. That is a massive achievement you need to give yourself more credit for.

127 lbs lost, yet still a failure

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