Getting back to healthy habits and the friends who hate on you for it.
chbruns
Posts: 16 Member
I used to be in phenomenal shape. I worked out consistently and was very disciplined with my diet.
Then, life happened and I fell off the fitness wagon and gained weight and slowly got away from exercising.
For the first time in over a year I’m finally getting back to my routine and focusing on getting back in shape.
Ice recently had two friends make snarky comments. The first one was that when I was at my peak several years ago it was annoying to eat a meal with me because I was so particular and careful about what I ate it made other problem uncomfortable.
The second was as I ordered a salad with grilled chicken hold all the yummy stuff a friend said “well, good for you but I’m still going to enjoy my meal.”
I don’t get it. I never preach or say a word about what anybody eats. Why do they feel like they have the right to try to make me feel badly for being healthy.
Me losing a pound doesn’t mean you gain it. UGH!!
Then, life happened and I fell off the fitness wagon and gained weight and slowly got away from exercising.
For the first time in over a year I’m finally getting back to my routine and focusing on getting back in shape.
Ice recently had two friends make snarky comments. The first one was that when I was at my peak several years ago it was annoying to eat a meal with me because I was so particular and careful about what I ate it made other problem uncomfortable.
The second was as I ordered a salad with grilled chicken hold all the yummy stuff a friend said “well, good for you but I’m still going to enjoy my meal.”
I don’t get it. I never preach or say a word about what anybody eats. Why do they feel like they have the right to try to make me feel badly for being healthy.
Me losing a pound doesn’t mean you gain it. UGH!!
20
Replies
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Wisdom is to keep your diet/fitness goals to yourself. If you don't mention what you are doing nobody can make comments, Same with eating out--if you don't make a big production over what you will or will not eat nobody will notice.19
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Uh okay...well im not sure if you were looking for some sort of input or support or what but people are going to have feelings and if they share their feelings with you it is up to you whether or not you want to address them or not. Are you saying you wish your friends wouldnt express their feelings to you because it is inconvienient or are you saying your friends feelings show them to be shallow?
I mean if someone feels insecure about something like a lack of discipline to achieve a goal and they see someone else exercising that discipline or achieving that goal then they are probably going to feel bad. That is pretty normal.16 -
I'd like to think that people, especially friends, wouldn't make a comment if they knew it was going to hurt the person. If their comments make you uncomfortable I would bring it up to them. Communication is key in any relationship. Tell them what you need and don't need. Being a friend is to be understanding so I'm sure everything would be fine going forward.17
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You are correct that losing weight doesn't cause someone else to gain it, nor are you forcing your lifestyle or food choices on anyone else. So snarky comments are not appropriate.
Here's the "but" though: Humans are social creatures, and eating together is one of the biggest ways people connect. So when someone is hardly eating anything, other people can feel awkward; maybe they feel like it messes with the group connecting over the food, or sends the message that someone as health-conscious as yourself can hardly find anything to eat at a place like that. I'm not saying it's right, or that it makes sense, but when you've happily been engaging in those meals with those friends for awhile, then do a 180, people can feel like you are rejecting them, because what they do and the way you connected as friends isn't part of your new lifestyle.
I can't speak to the type of friendship you have with the people you mentioned, but if they are friends you value, I would talk to them about it. Perhaps you all come to an agreement - they knock off the comments about food, and you find a way to work those occasional meals into your new lifestyle, which is entirely possible while still staying in your calorie and macros, and achieving your goals.22 -
I used to be in phenomenal shape. I worked out consistently and was very disciplined with my diet.
Then, life happened and I fell off the fitness wagon and gained weight and slowly got away from exercising.
For the first time in over a year I’m finally getting back to my routine and focusing on getting back in shape.
Ice recently had two friends make snarky comments. The first one was that when I was at my peak several years ago it was annoying to eat a meal with me because I was so particular and careful about what I ate it made other problem uncomfortable.
The second was as I ordered a salad with grilled chicken hold all the yummy stuff a friend said “well, good for you but I’m still going to enjoy my meal.”
I don’t get it. I never preach or say a word about what anybody eats. Why do they feel like they have the right to try to make me feel badly for being healthy.
Just because you never say a word about what anybody [else] eats doesn't mean you don't broadcast moral superiority when you talk about what you eat. Consider this:
1. By your admission you have been inconsistent with managing health, fitness and weight. Yes, many of us have been, but it does send a message when you are back 'on the wagon'.
2. When you communicate (either directly or indirectly) the sacrifice you're making- as in "I ordered a salad with grilled chicken hold all the yummy stuff"- you send a message that you are smarter, more aware, more in control, etc. For me, I'm pretty particular about the food I order in a restaurant; most people simply assume I'm just a picky eater. And people draw interesting conclusions when you don't bring attention to what you're doing. I once took a significant amount of cocktail shrimp from a buffet; no sauce because I generally prefer no sauce. The only comment the person I was with made was that she was envious I could "eat so much and never gain weight". She did not notice that I'd taken no sauce and nothing else. She also did not notice or realize this was to be the main course of my dinner. The point being that people make all sorts of inferences based on what and how you communicate to them. You may say "well, I didn't use those actual words" but there's a good chance that's still what they heard.
Lastly, consider that some people are just rude. For any variety of reasons.
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2. When you communicate (either directly or indirectly) the sacrifice you're making- as in "I ordered a salad with grilled chicken hold all the yummy stuff"- you send a message that you are smarter, more aware, more in control, etc.
Agreed. Looks to me like the snark started here OP! You want people to notice you're "being good" again now or you wouldn't say things like that. Your friend rose to the bait you laid right out for her.
I know how annoying I get when I am still in the first new flush of The Lifestyle Change. Everyone does it a bit. I'm surprised you only got two comments over several years tbh, how do you even remember the first one??
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2. When you communicate (either directly or indirectly) the sacrifice you're making- as in "I ordered a salad with grilled chicken hold all the yummy stuff"- you send a message that you are smarter, more aware, more in control, etc.
Agreed. Looks to me like the snark started here OP! You want people to notice you're "being good" again now or you wouldn't say things like that. Your friend rose to the bait you laid right out for her.
I know how annoying I get when I am still in the first new flush of The Lifestyle Change. Everyone does it a bit. I'm surprised you only got two comments over several years tbh, how do you even remember the first one??
I think she meant the friend remembered how annoying it was to eat a meal with her several years ago.
Still, 2 comments sucks, but let them go. Check your demeanor first. If they still make unwarranted statements, then tell them how you feel.3 -
Honestly, snarky comments are just going to happen, especially if you're drawing attention to yourself. I get very uncomfortable when people comment on my food choices, I believe it is just a self-confidence issue (on my part) that brings me back to when I struggled with disordered eating. So I do totally get why the comments are bothersome. I've found that not talking about "health" aspects of food choices helps avoid judgements for the most part. The ones that cant be avoided were probably going to happen no matter what I ate. If I choose a salad I could get prodded from people who assume I'd judge their meal (I wouldn't) or who tell me I "shouldn't be dieting" (I'm not); If I choose french fries (I do, often, because yum) they would make comments about "where does it go" and "If I even looked at a fry I'd put on 5lbs, not fair". So it's obviously not about me or my choices, it's about them. I'd venture to guess that's pretty true in your situation as well, so eat how you see fit, but also no one else should care about what you're eating, so no reason to being it to their attention with diet talks or making comments about "being good" which suggests that other meals are "bad."1
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When you're making healthy choices, be it diet related, or exercise related, it makes people who aren't doing it more aware of their unhealthy choices.
*kitten* 'em.8 -
It's super hard to lose weight when you hang out with friends.3
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When we change our behavior it can change the tone of an activity we used to do with others. It really may make dining out together less fun if one person is being very restrictive and particular of their diet. You don't have to lecture people to make them uncomfortable. Maybe instead of feeling mad or hurt over the comments you could think about how they honestly might be uncomfortable if you are eating or drinking so differently whenever you decide to lose weight.
You could:
Find a different activity to enjoy with your friends instead of eating out. Acknowledge that eating out together is not as fun when you are restricting and do other things.
Or
Don't change your diet as drastically but make small changes over time so people get used to it. Save enough calories for your meal out so you don't have to leave off "all the yummy stuff"
Or
Replace your friends with new friends who better match the lifestyle you want.5 -
You might find yourself doing other things than eating together. I don't drink. I don't judge or say anything negative about anyone who does. Still, my friends that drink do not feel comfortable drinking around me when I abstain. Therefore, it's rare that I get invited to things that involve a lot of drinking.9
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youcantflexcardio wrote: »When you're making healthy choices, be it diet related, or exercise related, it makes people who aren't doing it more aware of their unhealthy choices.
*kitten* 'em.
I totally agree with this, as I have run into this over and over. So I have declined a few eating out invites, depending on which place my friends decided to go to eat. I have found interestingly that with certain types of places, I get less annoying comments than if we go for instance to a Pasta type place, and I still stay totally away from the Pasta. That always gets comments. But if they choose a seafood place, no comments. Also I have a few friends that also are working on getting slimmer more active so it works better with them.2 -
mom23mangos wrote: »You might find yourself doing other things than eating together. I don't drink. I don't judge or say anything negative about anyone who does. Still, my friends that drink do not feel comfortable drinking around me when I abstain. Therefore, it's rare that I get invited to things that involve a lot of drinking.
I find this to be true and so weird. Last year I couldn't drink because I was on pain meds and an antidepressant. After I got off of those, at a friend's home, I told her I could have wine now. She commended me on still showing up. I was like, huh? Then she clarified that it was great that I kept socializing with everyone even when I couldn't drink. I was just so baffled that SHE cared so much about whether or not I could drink when it didn't bother me at all.
I am sure some people are the same way with food. If they're going to order the lobster mac & cheese, they don't want you ordering a salad, hold everything but the lettuce. It's nothing to do with you per se. It's just how people are wired.2 -
My take is: if you are a friend, don't you want the best for your friend? When they get better, don't you want to celebrate and encourage them out of love for them. I mean if you don't have a love for your friends and want what's best for them, why are you friends with them.
Now as for me, I don't talk about what I've done to lose over 40 lbs and go from a 41" waist to a 36 inch waist. And I order however I want in a restaurant. If someone challenges that, they are not going to receive a "nice" response. It's going to be along the lines of "what's it to you what I eat? How bout you order for you and I'll do me?" Needless to say, I don't get those challenges more than once. And if I do, we have a conversation about what it is to be a friend and if we should remain friends. Personally, I would rather have fewer but higher quality, more supportive friends than more friends.
Weirdly, one might think taking this approach would mean I have fewer friends but that is not the case. Healthy connective relationships is just as important an element of a healthy life as having a fit body and good nutrition.
Things I have learned in 67 years of life......1 -
mom23mangos wrote: »You might find yourself doing other things than eating together. I don't drink. I don't judge or say anything negative about anyone who does. Still, my friends that drink do not feel comfortable drinking around me when I abstain. Therefore, it's rare that I get invited to things that involve a lot of drinking.
I don't drink alcohol either and was thinking of that when I read the OP. I'm not going to go to a bar with people when their main activity is drinking.0 -
I understand you and I understand them. Nothing is worse than dining with a diet freak freind. Do everyone a favor and just stay home.
I choose simply not to go out to eat or drink when I am reducing. ... ..or if I do.. I order lobster, shrimp..or fish.. i still drink a cocktail and I don't mention a diet. People go out to have fun and let loose ...not to be reminded of a disciplined diet. No one is really impressed. at all.
I always felt "dieters". were attention seekers and a wet blanket at dinner events and social gatherings. I have a social friend who I really don't want to go out with any longer.. who makes every social event about her and her diet of the month. yawn.
I've lost all my weight without announcing to the world my efforts. no one really cares.10 -
I think the bolded is very true, but I don't have so many friends that I can just say "*kitten 'em*."youcantflexcardio wrote: »When you're making healthy choices, be it diet related, or exercise related, it makes people who aren't doing it more aware of their unhealthy choices.
*kitten* 'em.
First, I try not to talk about it. If asked what I'm going to order, I'll say I haven't decided yet, and return the question. When it's time to order, I give my order directly to the server, as quietly and succinctly as possible: "I'll have the chicken salad, hold all the toppings but the chicken. Thanks."
But that doesn't always work. If my dining companion says something or looks like my food is making them uncomfortable, I'll just be direct and say something like, "You know, I asked them to hold that stuff on my salad because that's not what I want to eat right now. But I figure your food choices are yours, and hey - you've seen enough of my food choices that you know I've got no place judging what anyone else eats. Since we both want each other to be happy and comfortable, let's just enjoy being here together eating whatever we choose to eat."
Of course, this works much better if you actually mean what you're saying. It can be very hard not to judge other people's food choices; but, as some big important famous guy once said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
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My take is: if you are a friend, don't you want the best for your friend? When they get better, don't you want to celebrate and encourage them out of love for them. I mean if you don't have a love for your friends and want what's best for them, why are you friends with them.
Now as for me, I don't talk about what I've done to lose over 40 lbs and go from a 41" waist to a 36 inch waist. And I order however I want in a restaurant. If someone challenges that, they are not going to receive a "nice" response. It's going to be along the lines of "what's it to you what I eat? How bout you order for you and I'll do me?" Needless to say, I don't get those challenges more than once. And if I do, we have a conversation about what it is to be a friend and if we should remain friends. Personally, I would rather have fewer but higher quality, more supportive friends than more friends.
Weirdly, one might think taking this approach would mean I have fewer friends but that is not the case. Healthy connective relationships is just as important an element of a healthy life as having a fit body and good nutrition.
Things I have learned in 67 years of life......
Love your response because it's pretty much my take on the situation as well. Use this advice right here.
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