How to deal with people that intentionally bring you down

LittleLionGirl1304
LittleLionGirl1304 Posts: 24 Member
in Motivation and Support
It's diffiucult being fat, and having a mom that continuously focuses her attention on that fact. The latest thing was yesterday. I was in a really good mood, happy, just goofy random dancing in the living room when my mom goes "You're not going to lose a single calorie doing that".
Obviously, it hurt my feelings. She saw I was happy, and decided to take her shot. I ended up leaving and slamming the door behind me. But the bigger issue is that she doesn't get why it bothers me and turned the blame around on me saying that I'm taking my stress out on everybody else.

Im 22, 5'7, and 170 pounds. I know I'm fat. I don't need to hear it everyday. And yeah, whatever "I shouldn't care what others think" but I do. How do you guys deal with mean comments from people closest to you?

Replies

  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Youre an adult, start getting the mean togwther to move out.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    edited November 2018
    Realize that there is something wrong with your mother not you. She seems pretty filled with poison and tgat does not come from a healthy, happy mind.
    Your weight is not a thing that means you should be treated with less kindness or respect by your family.
    Maybe look into therapy to have someone to help you better deal with this relationship and living situation.

    Caring for someone can be stressful.
    Your family may be able to receive some help caring for your grandfather. Your local social sevices or area acency on aging may be able to give some support options. https://www.agingcare.com/local/area-agency-on-aging
  • L1zardQueen
    L1zardQueen Posts: 8,753 Member
    Darling, I'm a mom and I miss my mom so much. Maybe your mom is concerned about your well being. Love her, she won't be here forever.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    Can you give another example of what she has done/said that would be bringing you down? Your example does show that she was being rude for sure but is there really a pattern or was it a one off thing? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to understand.
  • MikePTY
    MikePTY Posts: 3,814 Member
    That's awful that you have to go through that, especially with your history of eating disorder. If your mom was here right now, I'd give her a long, serious, talking to. When people are like that, they are usually projecting their own unhappiness onto you. Try to realize that it is not about you, but rather her own struggles/failures.

    As was pointed out by another poster, at your height and weight, you *barely* qualify as overweight. It seems like your issues stem a lot more from self esteem and body. Are you in college/university? They may have free resources and counseling to help address that. Losing weight to improve our physical appearance is a motivation that all of us share as at least one motivation for why we do things, but you shouldn't be feeling awful about you body. I'm sure if we saw a picture of you, we wouldn't be seeing what you are seeing.

    Also, I do not know if you are a religious person or not, but for me, I block out a lot of the negativity from others by knowing that no matter what they think of me, God made me as I am and to him, I am perfect. And nothing that other can say or do will ever change how he views me and I will always be perfect in his eyes. I'm not trying to get all preachy on the message boards, but I just wanted to mention that.

    And lastly, your mother is also wrong. Dancing around the house is actually a great way to keep your body moving and get in shape. So try not to let her deter you from doing that.

  • maureenkhilde
    maureenkhilde Posts: 849 Member
    Your mom could be taking her stress out on you. Regarding the fact that she too feels caged/ not free as I am thinking perhaps it is her father that is bedbound. And she is the main caregiver. I have been in her shoes except was for my mom. Your mom needs to reach out to try and get help, it is her responsibility to do so. Not yours, but I am willing to bet when she sees you happy she snaps at you not fair but she does it.

    Yes she is your mom, but does not give her the automatic right to be a toad. And this may seem harsh but she could truly not be a nice person. Or could be a great person in a bad place right now.


    You really do not have much of a weight problem, and is great you are on top of it. Nipping in the bud. Next time this happens and there will be a next time. Just say I am dancing because I am having a good day today. Why does it annoy you that I am having a good day? Sometimes the best way to deal is head on, and not avoid maybe you should consider this. But you live with it daily so you would if that may work or not.
  • littlegreenparrot1
    littlegreenparrot1 Posts: 702 Member
    I'm sorry you have to deal with that, it's rubbish. Unfortunately everyone has their own stuff, I expect your mum finds it tough being a carer as well, and sometimes deals with it the wrong way (I'm not trying to excuse it).

    I deal with it in a few ways. Firstly my own resilience, if someone else's biggest problem is the size of my butt, the good luck to them, I have other stuff going on. I also don't concentrate on the numbers, I want to be stronger, faster, better. It makes me feel tremendous sense of achievement, so it's easier to brush off the snarky comments.

    Sometimes I am also relentlessly sweet and nice, it really catches people off guard and is good fun for me! They are doing it for a reaction, if there is none eventually they stop - there is no value in it. Or turn it round, 'I know mum, you make so much delicious food! I was thinking maybe I could make so and so for dinner...' etc etc.

    I know all of this is easier said than done, and it has taken a lot of work. But I decided a long time ago that I would not be manipulated by others, they talk to me properly or I will not engage with it. It isn't your baggage, don't take it on. Good luck.
  • musicfan68
    musicfan68 Posts: 1,143 Member
    My mom did/does the same thing to me. It took me a long time ( in my 30s) to figure out that she doesn't like herself, and she is projecting those insecurities and bad feelings about herself and her weight, not me. When I realized it was about her and not me, that helped a little. I will now say something to her - like in your situation, I would have said, "no, actually, I just burned about 50 calories dancing!".
  • kimny72
    kimny72 Posts: 16,011 Member
    edited November 2018
    1. You are not fat, you have a few lbs to lose.
    2. Have you ever tried discussing it with her away from a comment actually happening? At a neutral time, tell her it hurts you when she comments on your weight and ask her what she's really trying to say to you. Your both in a stressful situation, that could be affecting how she expresses herself AND how you hear it.
    3. Outside of that, you can't control what someone else says, so you have to control how you react. Remind yourself she is taking something about her out on you. Remember that while it doesn't make her comments ok, it's probably a reflection of her being in some kind of pain, which is sad. In the situation you described, you could've answered "Who cares? It's fun!" And just kept on dancing. Maybe invited her to join in.

    You shouldn't have to be the bigger person, but maybe she needs you to be. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and stuck in a bad situation. Hang in there!
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    Just wanted to comment on the situation with your grandfather. My mother and I had to care for my father at the end of his life and it was brutally hard on both of us and our relationship. Caring is hard work and you're so young to have such a responsibility, I feel for you.

    What your mother said was jerklike. It sounds like the sort of thing someone would say who had issues around weight themselves. I can't tell you how to keep her from getting under your skin - I'm terrible at it myself. Sometimes it helps to take a step back, though, and just laugh at how preposterously wrong-headed the other person is being.

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