Confessions of a 210lbs 29 y/o woman

I am gross. I am a liar. I am bad with finances.

Growing up I never wanted for anything. We had money, although we were a dysfunctional family. I remember sitting round the fireplace as a child as my uncle and his gf shot up heroin, I even "helped" by holding the spoon. I've never done drugs, for the record. Or really drink. Or smoke. I was never "IN" to any of those things. I liked gaming and horses. I am academically average though there was no need to go to college or uni nor was it ever really brought up. I did a lot of physical stuff and flaunted my body a lot, had loads of boyfriends, unashamedly so.

But then the breadwinners in our family died - both of them in my arms. One was choking and the other having a heart attack. Ambulance came fast but no chance. And I learned how unprepared I was for adulthood. My friends disappeared.

So I'm sitting here at 29 in my 6 bedroom house in squalor with my mother who is more like a dependant (as she had me when she was 13 having been groomed by a pedo. OUR mum, my grandma, died). A leaky roof, sagging stairs and curtains that have not been washed in over a decade. We used to have cleaners and a cook. Not rich rich, but rich enough to live very comfortably despite the messed up family stuff. My mother inherited the house and we have enough money to barely afford it. No savings. I have not left the house in 2 weeks and for the last 5 years I have actually regressed in personal development.

The good news? I got a job. A minimum wage job but the first real job of my life. It is very strange to basically be an assistant to people barely 20 years old as I have zero work skills. It is REALLY hard for me to give up 5 days of my week and commuting an hour each way on public transport. I am often late. My goal is to go to university but if I cannot even sustain this then what hope do I have of college or even having children? I can barely look after myself. I work, come home, eat about 10000000 calories and then go sleep.

I started my job in september. I have already taken over 3 weeks leave. It is a really difficult adjustment but I have to, out of necessity. And I meet these amazing people who have such discipline. Who understand the true value of earning their way through life. It seems so stupid but one colleague refused some chocolate because she ate too many carbs and needs to compensate. Her self-discipline in this small thing was so admirable. I am just not used to saying no, especially to myself.

I go back to work tomorrow. I have to wake up at 6am to remotely be on time. It is SO hard not to just do what I want when I want. And yet... I want to change. I just want to be happy. To have a purpose. Even now, I have no purpose. I breathe just because.. it is easy to do nothing. It is easy to wake up late and sit on my computer and distract myself.

So this leaves me here. I am currently at 210lbs. I am pre-diabetic and have started to go bald and grow a mustache I have to shave. My entire house is squalor. I'm talking dishes that have not been cleaned in months. I cannot even see the cooker for the old pans stacked on it. We usually just eat microwave meals or sandwiches now. Mould in places you would be amazed. But you'd never know it. My personal hygeine is a daily affair, I wash everyday and brush my teeth and I always have clean and ironed clothes and get my hair cut every 8 weeks. I look after my appearance just not my weight. But once I'm home, the mask comes off and I am basically like a homeless person living in filth. I am literally gross. I went through a phase last year where I didn't want to leave the house for fresh cat litter so the cat ended up pissing everywhere and you know... I didn't care. I just continued on. Feeding fresh food and water but pissed/shat in my bedroom? I didn't care. I would go bed staring at a cat turd and feeling.. nothing. What on earth has my life come to?

How can I sit 30cm from a plate of food from last week with god knows what growing on it? I don't know. But when I want to do something about it I just cannot physically move.

I have told my doctor everything but we apparently do not need a social worker or help. We have been advised to sell the house and we should - but it would be so difficult in it's condition. My mother is a whole other disaster in herself. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer but refuses treatment even though we have the NHS... she is likely trying to eat herself to death before the cancer kills her off. Bringing it up just raises both our blood pressure. I am apparently "WITH IT" enough that I should just get my *kitten* together and get things done. But I freeze. And no one in a professional field takes me seriously enough to even visit my house to see how real the issues are... and friends. What friends? We have none between us - literally. None. No other family, all dead.

So yeah. I'm here. My last hope. Why did I choose MFP? I don't really know. I have SO MANY issues I need to work I would have to sign up to so many different sites. I thinking about how to break everything down into little goals. And it sounds really sad and pathetic but the thought of trying to figure out a way to begin cleaning petrifies me.

All I know is I have to look after me. Living like this and being fat are obviously connected. Like why bother trying being healthy, what is there to go home to and live for?

So I hope it's ok that I don't just document my weight loss progress, which I think will greatly boost my health and self-esteem but also ANY progress I make in life. For me it is an achievement to get out of bed on time. It's an achievement to do 10minutes worth of cleaning.

I just want to finally be able to be honest about my situation. I am crying as I write this as it really is just a sad state to be in... that I am mentally "with it" enough to acknowlege it.

I am gross. I do lie to people in person about my living situation out of embarassment. I cannot manage finances well. But I am trying. I just want somewhere to be honest.

Thank you.