Friday Jokes
Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
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Replies
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LOLing at work!!!0
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Haha! :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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OMG.....LMAO0
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:bigsmile: LOL.........................that was tooooo funny!!:bigsmile:
This is old, but my fav.
Why are wedding dresses white?
l
l
l
l
l
l
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So the stove, fridge, and dishwasher match!!!!0 -
Ooooo, I got one! This is my favorite Amish joke (I live near Amish Country in Pennsylvania)
Amish lady was riding in an old buggy one cold day with her daughter. The daughter said to her mom, 'My hands are so cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs - your body heat will warm them up.' The girl did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the girl. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the girl, and said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The next day the girl was in the buggy with her mother, and says to her, 'Have you heard of a penis? Slightly worried the mother said,' Why, yes..?! Why do you ask?' The girl replies: 'Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost."0 -
LmaoOoooo, I got one! This is my favorite Amish joke (I live near Amish Country in Pennsylvania)
Amish lady was riding in an old buggy one cold day with her daughter. The daughter said to her mom, 'My hands are so cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs - your body heat will warm them up.' The girl did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the girl. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the girl, and said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The next day the girl was in the buggy with her mother, and says to her, 'Have you heard of a penis? Slightly worried the mother said,' Why, yes..?! Why do you ask?' The girl replies: 'Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost."0 -
Ooooo, I got one! This is my favorite Amish joke (I live near Amish Country in Pennsylvania)
Amish lady was riding in an old buggy one cold day with her daughter. The daughter said to her mom, 'My hands are so cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs - your body heat will warm them up.' The girl did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the girl. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the girl, and said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The next day the girl was in the buggy with her mother, and says to her, 'Have you heard of a penis? Slightly worried the mother said,' Why, yes..?! Why do you ask?' The girl replies: 'Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost."
LMAO0 -
:bigsmile: LOL.........................that was tooooo funny!!:bigsmile:
This is old, but my fav.
Why are wedding dresses white?
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
So the stove, fridge, and dishwasher match!!!!
HA... love it0 -
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said, "I'll give U a $100 if U'll let me have sex with U." The girl looked at him shocked & said "Hell no!" He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, U bend over to get it, & I'll be finished by the time U've picked it up!" She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won't even be able to get his pants down!" She agreed & accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, "What the **** happened?" Still breathin hard she managed to reply, "That *kitten* had all QUARTERS!!!!"0
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Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
ROFLMAO that was hilarious. I'm a sucker for a bad joke and really bad at remembering them too :S0 -
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said, "I'll give U a $100 if U'll let me have sex with U." The girl looked at him shocked & said "Hell no!" He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, U bend over to get it, & I'll be finished by the time U've picked it up!" She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won't even be able to get his pants down!" She agreed & accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, "What the **** happened?" Still breathin hard she managed to reply, "That *kitten* had all QUARTERS!!!!"
:noway: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!0
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LMAO!!!!! awesome. :laugh:0
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*Roses r red, lemons r sour, open ur legs & give me an hour.
*Kissing is a habit, ****ing is a game- guys get all the pleasure & girls get all the pain. 10 mins of pleasure, 9 months of pain, 3 days in the hospital- a baby with no name. The baby is a *kitten*, the mother is a *kitten*, this never wouldve happened if the rubber hadnt tore!
*Sex is like math: u subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs & pray 2 god u dont multiply.*Roses r red, grass is green, open ur legs & ill fill u with cream. *Sex is evil, sex is a sin, sins r forgiven so stick it in. *Roses r nice, violets r fine, ill be the 6 if u b the 9. *Eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, **** me, suck me very slowly, if u like it dont be sassy, use ur tounge & make it NASTY!!0 -
Not so much a joke as a real life story. My sister was in the pharmasist picking up a prescriptin when the bus company apprentice comes in and asks for some kY jelly. Said they sent him over from the depot across the street because they ran out and a bus needed fixing lol
Poor lad fell for it hook line and sinker
I was laughing my head off when my sister text me this at work yesterday lol0 -
LmaoNot so much a joke as a real life story. My sister was in the pharmasist picking up a prescriptin when the bus company apprentice comes in and asks for some kY jelly. Said they sent him over from the depot across the street because they ran out and a bus needed fixing lol
Poor lad fell for it hook line and sinker
I was laughing my head off when my sister text me this at work yesterday lol0 -
Lmao...all man this is funny. I am glad I made a quick stop to check out your Friday jokes. . I love jokes. Keep doing then.0
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Little johnny saw his mom get out of the shower and saw her titties he asks mommy what are those she didn't know what to say so she tells him to go ask his dad. well he does and his dad says they are her balloons and when she dies they blow up and send her to heaven, well about a week later uncle Greg came to visit and little johnny walked in his moms room and ran back out to his dad and says dad come quick moms dieing, dad says why u say that little johnny says uncle Greg is blowing up her balloons and she's screaming oh my God I'm cummin.0
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".0 -
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
HA HA0 -
Lmfao :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".0 -
The teacher ask timmy "why is your cat at school today?" timmy *crying* "because i heard my daddy say to my mommy im going to eat that ***** when the kids leave"0
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Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a *****." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a *****?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a *****." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where. Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son *****." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A *****!!!"0
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wow!!! these are hilarious!0
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