Failure

tbduarte1
tbduarte1 Posts: 83 Member
edited December 19 in Getting Started
I have been on this site many times in the past with all of these wonderful ideas of losing weight, getting healthier, eating better, exercising more.. and yet I fail every time. Sometimes I do OK for a month, some times for a few weeks and then there are those times when I do not even make it through the day before I fail in one way or another. I begin to hate myself for it and what is the best way to make yourself feel better? Eat some comfort food. I think about all of the changes I want to make, who am I kidding, I need to make them. I have three kids and a wife that need me and I know if I continue this way i am going to dies sooner than I should.

I know all of this, I know what I need to do... and yet here I am not doing it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just do it? So many people are successful every day, losing the weight they need to and here I am continuing to kill myself. What is wrong with me?

I am here because I want to figure it all out. I want to make these changes so I can become a better version of myself. I need to make these changes so that I can live, not just in the physical sense but in the sense that I am just existing right now.

Replies

  • youngcaseyr
    youngcaseyr Posts: 293 Member
    You know what you have to do, and sometimes that's the first step. The next step is to find somewhere to start... Baby steps my dude, it's possible. You can do it. You have to want to succeed more than you want to keep living the way you are, and I think you're there already. Have you talked to your wife about changing your diet and lifestyle? She may be happy to help and even to join you.
  • tbduarte1
    tbduarte1 Posts: 83 Member
    She has tried many times as well when we met 14 years ago. In our relationship we have each gained about 100 lbs. It is a journey we should take together.
  • martaindale
    martaindale Posts: 2,333 Member
    As others have already said, you know you need to make changes, and that is the first step. You will be hard pressed to find anyone on here who was totally successful their very first attempt at losing weight and then maintaining that loss. More often than not, people tried several times and failed. I know I did.

    As @kimny72 suggested, take baby steps. Starting by just logging your food is a great idea. After a few days or a week it may become pretty obvious to you where there are some easy changes to make. I also second setting your loss to 1lb a week. I fell into the 2 lb a week trap my first time. I was hungry. All. The. Time. It sucked, and I failed. Setting a lower deficit sets you up for success as you have more wiggle room in your calorie range.

    It is never easy (especially to start) making major lifestyle changes. But that's what this is, a lifestyle change. Your tastes change as you eat better and before you know it, something you used to love tastes greasy, salty, or just not very flavorful once you start eating fresher healthier foods. For me, part of this journey has just been accepting that I can never go back to the way I was eating before. I had to make a decision to be more mindful of what I am eating and more purposeful in my exercise to maintain all the hard work I have put in.

    Good luck to you! I know you can do it!
  • sarakenna12
    sarakenna12 Posts: 37 Member
    In addition to all of the great advice/responses from people above, I would also say that your head needs to be in the right place in order to lose weight. Right now you are letting your negative thoughts about yourself spiral, where you demean your self worth because of your weight/weight-loss. That will not help you lose weight. It's a really hard cycle to break (I fight it every day). Breaking the cycle of negative self-thinking so that you can get out of your head is going to be key to weight loss. How do you break the cycle? People do it in a myriad of different ways. For some, it's reaching a number of small and achievable goals. For others maybe it's self help books (Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life), or they join a community where they can get support (that's why weight watchers is so effective; it's the peer support). Some people find comfort and support in the community on this sight. For me, I find strength to fight off my internal demons through Yoga. It's different for everyone. The bottom line is that you need to appreciate your humanity and your value, and you need to talk to yourself internally like you are worth the effort it takes to lose weight.
  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
    You are not a failure, 1st thing is change that story you tell yourself!

    Commit to logging everyday even if you go over your calorie goal. It helps you to be mindful of the food you are eating. Commit every morning to log and try to stay at your calorie goal. Make it a habit to log and don't rely on willpower.

    Eat the normal foods you eat now just try to keep them at your calorie goal. Eventually you will start learning what foods are worth the calories and what foods satiate you more. A little more protien helps some, Carbs and or fat help others. It's a lifestyle of watching what you eat so getting into a habit now is important.

    I personally am a volume eater so I know I need to eat vegetables and salads with everything to make up for the volume of food I like to eat.


    Read the threads here and learn from others success.

    You can do this. Change your story!

  • maureenkhilde
    maureenkhilde Posts: 849 Member
    You are not a failure you are a human subject to all the weakness that we all have.

    So you are approaching your Tipping Point, or what I call I have had enough of this.

    So it is time for you to DECIDE how you are going to proceed. And understand, that it is literally a day by day, meal by meal event.

    You are not going on a Diet. You are starting a LifeStyle change approach of what you eat, when you eat. And the same with getting active. It is a never ending journey, with different phases in it. But there is no defined end to it.

    I started in May 2018, and it is a lifestyle change. And I am going to keep going. I agree with all that has been suggested. But I have another one to add, and you have written at least part of it down in your first part of asking for suggestions and advice.

    Make a list of all the reasons you should lose weight, put it in writing. On second list write out the cons of losing weight. Believe it or not there are some you will be able to think of or add later. Review your lists at least weekly, and early on daily. I still look at mine weekly, and still have been adding both to my pro and con list. Then you decide which is the more compelling for you to do. I keep a list at home, and one in my wallet. It helps center me at times.

    One thing that has helped me so much, prepping foods on Sunday, specifically I weigh out different foods that I will eat as snacks during the week. It has really helped me from straying into food I did not want to eat. As I had my bags of food that were in my plan all ready to go.

    Good Luck, and read lots of posts as lots of people have been down this same road.
  • tbduarte1
    tbduarte1 Posts: 83 Member
    Thank you all for the wonderful words. I have taken your advice and began logging my meals yesterday. It was not pretty but I am doing it. I will do this over the next few weeks as I enjoy the holiday season. It is not going to be easy to make any significant changes this time of year. I made a list of all of the things I want to accomplish and would usually try to jump into all of them at once. I was more realistic in understanding I cant just jump to step 10 when I am not even close to step two.

    Here is my list though. I was trying to figure out how long to wait to incorporate the second thing. At this point I am not sure what step two will be.


    Drink More Water
    Don’t eat after 8pm
    Don’t eat after 7pm
    Eat out less
    Eat more vegetables
    Eat more fruit
    Meal prep on Sundays
    Eat protein for Breakfast
    Eat healthier Snacks
    Eat more clean foods
    Walk around class more
    Take walks
    Go Hiking
    Jog
    Enter a 5K
    Lift Weights

  • iowalinda
    iowalinda Posts: 357 Member
    tbduarte1 wrote: »
    I know all of this, I know what I need to do... and yet here I am not doing it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just do it? So many people are successful every day, losing the weight they need to and here I am continuing to kill myself. What is wrong with me?

    /quote]
    Please don't beat yourself up and don't give up. It IS hard for most of us to get started making the changes you are trying to make, but let me assure you, you can do it. Sometimes it's just a matter of taking it one minute at a time. "I can do this for just this minute". One thing I would suggest is to not bring anything into the house that you don't want to eat. Don't put stuff in your cart at the grocery store that you know will set off a binge or that you know you can't control yourself once you start to eat it. If it's not in your house when you are home, you can't eat it. Do you want it bad enough to leave the house and go get it? If so, get just one serving of whatever it is and eat it where you bought it. Don't bring more of it home. I hope this helps. Wishing you all the best.
  • emmies_123
    emmies_123 Posts: 513 Member
    tbduarte1 wrote: »

    Here is my list though. I was trying to figure out how long to wait to incorporate the second thing. At this point I am not sure what step two will be.


    Drink More Water
    Don’t eat after 8pm
    Don’t eat after 7pm
    Eat out less
    Eat more vegetables
    Eat more fruit
    Meal prep on Sundays
    Eat protein for Breakfast
    Eat healthier Snacks
    Eat more clean foods
    Walk around class more
    Take walks
    Go Hiking
    Jog
    Enter a 5K
    Lift Weights

    If I may make some suggestions based on my own experiences, and those of my hubby:

    Assuming you have no health issues affected by diet, make the diet changes some of the last steps. You can lose weight by watching quantity instead of quality, and you will likely keep to your goals easier the longer you can eat what you enjoy. My husband lost 100 lbs over the span of a year just exercising and eating less, but he didn't change what he ate.

    Get a labeled water bottle so you can see how much you are drinking. I found I focused more on the "goalposts" (markers for oz level) and at end of day went "woah that added up to x glasses!" Made much better progress than if I had to keep refilling a glass.

    As part of your prep habit, try to portion out your meals to a serving size. Put the rest away. I find it is easier to overeat if I leave excess leftovers around me while i eat ("oh one more spoonful of chili" or "couple more chips won't hurt") I also portion out my snacks for work ahead of time.

    Get a food scale and measure everything! Serving sizes are NOT easy to eyeball at the start of your journey.

    Find exercise you enjoy doing. My hubby uses exercise bike every day, while I hated that and had an easy time skipping. I prefer workout videos, with variety to hit every part of my body during the week. If you enjoy it you will look forward to doing it in time, and you will make less mental excuses to skip it.

    Make a note of exercise done on your exercise diary page or in a journal elsewhere. Maybe you start walking x miles. Next month you will be walking more, and you can look back and compare all the small milestones along the way. Or you used to struggle to food goal, now it is second habit. Or you started lifting x weight at y reps, down the road you can see how strength increased. It is easy to forget how far we come when the improvements are gradual.

    And most important:
    Never compare yourself to someone else! Your health journey is yours, so only compare yourself to your old personal best.
  • Evamutt
    Evamutt Posts: 2,797 Member
    such great advice, I would only add to focus on one thing at a time and you are NOT a failure as to the fact that you're still here & you keep trying. Also what helped me is to experiment with food & what keeps you full & substitutions that taste good, like I use mostly powdered peanut butter, less fat salami, less fat cheese, egg makers & check the calories of bread, keep us informed & we're all here for you
  • SYED1512
    SYED1512 Posts: 12 Member
    Keep it simple. Log everything. Eat Veggies and Fruits with every meal. Go low on fats/oils as they are calorie dense and will use lot of your given calories, use oil spray instead. Walk every day and track your steps/miles. If possible get HR monitor like Fitbit. It will be a long journey and consistency will be the key to success.
  • LiLee2018
    LiLee2018 Posts: 1,389 Member
    I'm sure about 99% of us have been right where you are.
    We all know what we have to do. We all know why we need to do it. It's just finding that willpower in yourself to make the change and stick to it.
    You just have to find that diet that works for you. Low carb, portion control, calorie counting, carnivore, keto, vegan, vegetarian, etc etc. Find what you don't mind sticking to.
    And cut out the all-or-nothing attitude... that is the worst way to think when trying to get healthy and lose weight b/c you cheat once and then just throw your hands in the air and quit b/c you're not perfect.
    Just b/c you have a cheat doesn't mean you can't just jump right back in to the diet. Don't think about "Oh.. I ate this when I wasn't supposed to, might as well just cheat all day or all week!" It is not all or nothing. You're not "starting over"... you're continuing on your journey.
    And one of the biggest issues.... stop making excuses to stop!! Life is getting stressful? Well eating some junk and quitting your diet isn't going to make you feel any better. It's just going to put you right back to where you were and miserable. You've wasted this much time being unhappy in your body.. do you want to spend the rest of your life being miserable? Or do you want to take a year, maybe 2 years to get healthy?? Or is that junk food going to be enough??

    It's hard losing weight.
    It's hard being fat.
    Pick your hard.
  • Danp
    Danp Posts: 1,561 Member
    edited December 2018
    tbduarte1 wrote: »
    Drink More Water
    Don’t eat after 8pm
    Don’t eat after 7pm
    Eat out less
    Eat more vegetables
    Eat more fruit
    Meal prep on Sundays
    Eat protein for Breakfast
    Eat healthier Snacks
    Eat more clean foods
    Walk around class more
    Take walks
    Go Hiking
    Jog
    Enter a 5K
    Lift Weights

    I honestly think you're biting off more than any person could chew. That's a HUGE amount of change all at once.

    Here's the list I would recommend for the first few months while you're getting your calorie intake under control. Step 1: Change HOW you eat:
    1. Eat out less / Meal prep on Sundays - Can be a good way to get consistent with your calories but with the caveat to only prep foods you REALLY like. To begin with forget about 'good foods' and 'bad foods' and 'health foods' and 'junk foods'. Just eat whatever you want as long as you stay within your calorie target. Remember you're making a change to HOW you eat at this stage rather than WHAT you eat.
    2. Take walks / Walk around class more - Great way to start getting some extra movement into your life
    3. Drink More Water fluids - Can't hurt and can help to feel "full" sometimes. Just pay attention to your body and drink when you feel thirsty. Carry a bottle of water with you and you'll naturally stay hydrated. Also remember that hydration wise any potable fluid will work. A glass of diet soda or tea is just as hydrating as a glass of water.


    Once you're consistently eating in a calorie deficit and dropped a good number of pounds then I'd move on to Step 2: Change WHAT you eat:
    1. Eat more vegetables/ Eat more fruit. Start to make adjustments to your meals and snacks. This will allow you to have "larger" meals which you may find more satisfying. When you make these changes you want them to be permanent so incorporating fruits/veggies that you really like rather than forcing yourself to eat a particular thing "because it's healthy".
    2. Eat healthier Snacks. Same as above eating 'healthier' snacks can mean you get to eat larger portions which might be good for you. I'd add a note here to not go overboard. Everyone needs a treat and a sweet/salty snack that fits in your calorie budget is a great idea. It prevents you from feeling deprived which leads to cracking and bingeing.
    3. Eat protein for Breakfast - Can be good if you find protein filling and it keeps you full, or if you need to up your protein intake to meet a minimal standard. Understand though that eating protein for breakfast doesn't in any way directly impact weight loss.

    Once you've dropped a significant amount of weight from the changes above then it's time for Step 3: Add in extras:
    1. Go Hiking, Jog, Enter a 5K, Lift Weights - by now you're very likely far healthier, able to move more, you've lost a good amount of weight and looking to add fitness goals to your weight loss progress. Start to incorporate exercise into your life. This is great for health and fitness and since you're now a complete pro at the calorie intake side of the equation you can easily manage the extra calories and nutrition that this active lifestyle demands.


    As for the rest:
    - Don’t eat after 8pm / Don’t eat after 7pm - Meal timing is largely irrelevant. It's the number of calories you eat that matters not when you get them. That said I and many others have adopted a non-standard eating pattern as this assist us in sticking to our calorie goals. I personally have a cup of coffee for breakfast (sometimes with a slice of toast), I might have a small snack in the afternoon then eat pretty much all of my calories at night, usually after 8pm as that's when I naturally seem to be hungry.
    - Eat more clean foods - Food is food, there's no such thing as 'clean' food and 'dirty' food. There are definitely better choices but anything even approaching a varied diet is going to give your body what you need.

    G'luck
  • joeterry2112
    joeterry2112 Posts: 9 Member
    Everybody states that good health has two sections. Diet and exercise. (I think there are three. Your mental state.)

    Make things simpler. Log what you eat and make some attempt to keep under the calorie goal, but more importantly try this:
    Diet.
    Find a bunch of vegetables and fruit you like and eat them all you want and more. You want something else, great, just eat a bunch of these fruits and vegetables first then go to town on whatever you want. (Note that it's not failure if you eat something you shouldn't just get some fruits and veggies along with it.

    Exercise.
    Promise yourself you will get outside once a day. A walk would be great, but it's okay to just stand on the front porch and stare off into the distance. Bundle up it might be cold.

    Mental state
    There are no failures just falling in the right direction. Also on very special occasions throw this out the window. Christmas dinner is not the time to be on a diet. Enjoy every bite. Love it.
  • Skoteesh
    Skoteesh Posts: 3 Member
    joeterry mentioned the 3 sections. Of these I think the 3rd is the most important

    My list of mental states would start with

    Realise you are human and, in being human, you are not perfect so you do not 'fail'. You have set yourself goals which do not suit where you are in your life right now. When you feel yourself slipping take some time out to ask yourself why

    Learn to love yourself: When you do that you can take on responsibility for yourself and not subtly shift the 'blame'
    She has tried many times as well when we met 14 years ago. In our relationship we have each gained about 100 lbs. It is a journey we should take together.

    I hope I haven't sounded too judgemental. I'm not intending to...I've been there :)
  • neugebauer52
    neugebauer52 Posts: 1,120 Member
    I don't see myself as a "failure" but part of a leaning experience. And the great thing is that every day starts anew with all that I have learned yesterday. I concentrate on today's meal plan and take it meal by meal and the great support of MFP.
  • Dilvish
    Dilvish Posts: 398 Member
    you have two options. As the wise old Jedi Master Yoda once said "Do or do not. There is no try".

    You aren't a failure if you "do" so don't even opt for "do not".

    It took you a long while to gain the weight and its going to take a long while to drop it.

    start out slow. slow is the best way for continued, sustained weight loss.

    You don't have to run marathons, just start by adding a little more activity everyday like parking a bit further away each day from work/shopping or climbing a flight of stairs (even at a snails pace) each day and work up to more every other week. Get off the couch at commercial breaks on the TV and walk around the house until the show resumes. Buy some dumbells and do a couple of reps everyday and work up to several a day.

    As far as food, just cut out what you know is poor quality...snacks, fast food, desserts,candy, soda pop (including diet). It's okay to eat bacon and cheese and meat etc., just try to be conscious of how much. Swap things like pepperoni pizza for vegetarian pizza, swap white bread, crackers and pasta for whole grain alternatives. Eat flavored yogurt instead of pudding. Eat nuts or seeds instead of chips or pretzels.

    Forget about counting calories in the beginning just work on increasing the amount you move and changing the types of food you eat. Once you get used to it then look at regular exercise routines and calorie deficits.
  • cheryldumais
    cheryldumais Posts: 1,907 Member
    Oh my friend I totally understand. That was me 3 years ago. Also I had a long history of not seeing success. I was 59 and a hundred pounds overweight. I had dieted many, many times and tried them all. I had done all the crash diets in the past even up to and including having a lapband installed which ended up creating health issues for me and being removed. I finally got sensible and started working at it very slowly. I lowered my intake and begain walking 4,000 steps a day. This time I was done with the magical thinking and it took me two years to reach my goal. You can definately do it. Take your time and find what you can live with. Get rid of the idea that you go on a diet to lose then go back to the way it was once you reach your goal. Lose slowly and find alternatives to things you are willing to give up and find room in your calorie budget for the things you won't give up. Remember this is for the rest of your "healthy" life. You can do it trust me.
  • tbduarte1
    tbduarte1 Posts: 83 Member
    Thanks for all of the kind words and support. I understand I am not a failure I just have not succeeded in the past. I am taking the advice of many and keeping track of calories. I will start with that and see where I am after Christmas Break. Other than that I am not making any plans.

    I made a decision to only tell my wife about any of this because in the past I felt judgment from others. Instead I am going to write on here and I have began to write a blog with 0 followers. It is for me to reflect and hopefully learn something about myself and my future life.

    Again thank you for the support.
  • PiscesMan123
    PiscesMan123 Posts: 23 Member
    Sucks doesn't it? Been there. 80% of losing weight takes place in the kitchen. Personally, I would rather work out than become mindful in the kitchen. BUT...if you throw your list away and just log what you consume you will be blown away. So many calories. Log everything you eat. Make that your priority. Don't just go at it like it doesn't really matter and you'll get back to it later. LOG EVERY THING YOU EAT - EVERY DAY. I'M SERIOUS. If you do nothing else, this will be a most powerful wakeup call. Once you do that EVERY DAY...FOR 21 days, it will be something you WANT TO DO. You will have created this incredible sense of awareness and you will find yourself automatically making smarter choices.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,620 Member
    tbduarte1 wrote: »
    Thanks for all of the kind words and support. I understand I am not a failure I just have not succeeded in the past. I am taking the advice of many and keeping track of calories. I will start with that and see where I am after Christmas Break. Other than that I am not making any plans.

    I made a decision to only tell my wife about any of this because in the past I felt judgment from others. Instead I am going to write on here and I have began to write a blog with 0 followers. It is for me to reflect and hopefully learn something about myself and my future life.

    Again thank you for the support.

    Sounds like a really sensible plan!

    Speaking only for myself, I'd appreciate it if you could come back to this thread in a few weeks, and let us know how you're doing. The holidays per se may be a bit of a sleigh ride ( ;) ), but overall I'm betting this is the time you turn a corner in a healthier direction.

    Wishing you and family all the best: Happy holidays! :)
  • tbduarte1
    tbduarte1 Posts: 83 Member
    For 21 days I tracked everything I ate no matter what and I learned a lot. I was able to see when I was eating the most, what I was eating, and exactly how the food I was eating made me feel. WOW! You really have to eat a lot, and not just any food, you need to eat a lot of crap to not only maintain 370 lbs but gain. I had gained 20 lbs this year and it took a lot of work to do so. So after one day of making changes I have to say I am blown away. I was at a deficit of 1000 calories and all I did was make a few changes. All I have done is exchange some food for better choices, but only things I actually enjoy eating. I was full all day and felt satisfied. It was easy, I never felt starved. On to day two I am back at work (teacher day) and I went out to eat with friends. Made a good choice and I am looking good for today as well. I will come back and update soon.
  • nutmegoreo
    nutmegoreo Posts: 15,532 Member
    tbduarte1 wrote: »
    For 21 days I tracked everything I ate no matter what and I learned a lot. I was able to see when I was eating the most, what I was eating, and exactly how the food I was eating made me feel. WOW! You really have to eat a lot, and not just any food, you need to eat a lot of crap to not only maintain 370 lbs but gain. I had gained 20 lbs this year and it took a lot of work to do so. So after one day of making changes I have to say I am blown away. I was at a deficit of 1000 calories and all I did was make a few changes. All I have done is exchange some food for better choices, but only things I actually enjoy eating. I was full all day and felt satisfied. It was easy, I never felt starved. On to day two I am back at work (teacher day) and I went out to eat with friends. Made a good choice and I am looking good for today as well. I will come back and update soon.

    Thank you for coming back to update.

    Yes, being honest with yourself sucks (because it can really be a brutal truth), but it is a very necessary first step to opening your eyes and making those changes. Glad you stayed open to the process. Nicely done!
  • mummydig
    mummydig Posts: 3 Member
    Baby steps, at least commit to logging. Gonna do the same myself, been successful with MFP in past, 🤞🏻 this time around. Good luck to you
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,620 Member
    tbduarte1 wrote: »
    For 21 days I tracked everything I ate no matter what and I learned a lot. I was able to see when I was eating the most, what I was eating, and exactly how the food I was eating made me feel. WOW! You really have to eat a lot, and not just any food, you need to eat a lot of crap to not only maintain 370 lbs but gain. I had gained 20 lbs this year and it took a lot of work to do so. So after one day of making changes I have to say I am blown away. I was at a deficit of 1000 calories and all I did was make a few changes. All I have done is exchange some food for better choices, but only things I actually enjoy eating. I was full all day and felt satisfied. It was easy, I never felt starved. On to day two I am back at work (teacher day) and I went out to eat with friends. Made a good choice and I am looking good for today as well. I will come back and update soon.

    Yay: Congratulations! It's sounds like you've found a great path; stick with it and you're bound to succeed.

    Thanks for coming back to update!
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