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Competitive with spouse?
ellioc2
Posts: 148 Member
Does anyone else ever feel competitive or jealous of their spouse? I’ve been doing this for 3 months, eating 1200-1400 calories a day, working out 3-4 times a week and working really hard. Meanwhile, my husband is naturally thin. He used to have to calorie count to gain, not to lose. I used to buy food for the both of us (I’m gluten free and he’s lactose free) but he got tired of my “healthy” food so now i just buy him stuff I know he likes - Triscuits, sharp cheddar cheese, summer sausage, beef jerky, “Asian” frozen dinners, etc. And he snacks and eats all this food and stays pretty lean. The other night he asked me if I would still be attracted to him if he got skinny by doing more cardio (apparently he wants to lower his resting heart rate to reduce anxiety and doesn’t care about what he looks like). The frustrating thing is I know he’ll have no issues losing weight by just doing a little more cardio and eating more or less the same. That’s just how his body his. But I’ll continue to be the fat wife (I weigh more than him) no matter how hard I try. His genetics are just better than my genetics. Sorry to vent, I’m just frustrated it’s so easy for him and so hard for me. Anyone else competitive with their spouse or partner? Any tips?
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Replies
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Take care of Number One. If slim is easy for him, you are freed from having to manage his weight.9
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My spouse is twice my weight.
There is no way I even think of comparing what I do, as far as exercise is concerned, or what I eat.
Our meals (we eat the same, I just eat less) and our exercise, including exercise cal burn, are non competitive events.
We support each other.
If your SO is going to do cardio, encourage him to eat appropriately for his goals.
You eat, and work out, for yours.
Cheers, h.
ETA: this is a post I did for a couple of months ago.
‘My SO lost 30 lbs in the time I lost 5.
I was in the gym daily, he ran 30min x 2 a week.
I got to eat 1200 cals base, he got 2500.
I was at the end of my weight loss, he was at the beginning.
I am 5'1, he is 6'3-4.
I weighted 110 lbs, he weighed, 235 lbs.
The only thing that was similar was we were both sedentary.
I did me he did him and we were both pleased, proud, and happy with our own and each other's results.
Glad you got your frustrations out with us and not him. Be proud for both of you for improving your health.
Cheers, h.’17 -
Weight loss, at the end of the day, is a solitary journey. You are an individual, unique from him with a completely different set of challenges and goals. Even if you were looking for someone to compete with (for motivational purposes) your husband is the worst possible choice, for many reasons.14
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My and my wife's situation are a bit reversed in terms of the weight loss. I've been able to lose weight, while she has been struggling. I wouldn't say it comes easy to me, but with hard work, I've been able to get it done. She suffers from some health issues that have made it very difficult for her. I don't think there's any jealousy though. I asked her about it after I saw this post and her response was "No. As long as you don't try to leave me. Then I gotta stab you." So I think we are good there.
As far as tips, I do have a few from your husband from my perspective that may be useful for him to help you with this.
1. He should always make you feel beautiful.
2. He should meet you halfway on the healthy eating. I understand that he doesn't want to eat all of your "boring" healthy food all the time, but he can still suck it up and do it part of the time. It will do him some good too. Even if he isn't gaining any weight, eating a nutritional diet is good for his overall health.
3. He should help you with things to make it easier for you to hit your goals. Help cook, clean, do other chores, etc to make it easier for you to keep on eating right as well as going to the gym.
4. He should always make you feel beautiful.
You'll know best how well he is doing on those things or if he needs any improvement. If he does, maybe you can broach the subject with him. If he's doing all of things, then I would just try to look at it as being happy for him that he is able to keep off the weight and give him support as well in his journey.11 -
No, he's dead.
Even when he wasn't, we were good at different things. He was lots more athletic, was better able to maintain his weight (though was well overweight occasionally), had an excellent grasp of history (especially military history), could recognize all the local birds (even all those seemingly identical little brown ones), and was a crack shot. I'm more creative, can make almost anything (sewing clothes, better at home projects involving a creative eye, better cook), and am a much better planner/organizer (my goodness, that man was disorganized!). Mostly, I figured we complemented each other.
Sure, it was frustrating to (say) go cross-country skiing with him, work like crazy at it and still get way behind, find him patiently waiting to make sure I was OK when I caught up, then take off like a shot when he'd already had that break and I'd had none. But he didn't like to go to academic society events with me, because he felt intellectually intimidated (for no reason, frankly). In practice, it balanced out.
Even though part of the way I got fat was keeping up with him too often in portion size, while not keeping up with him athletically, despite being a much smaller person, that's on me. He supported me emotionally when I was not fat, and when I was, including making it easy for me (a vegetarian) to live with him (a hunter). If I wanted to cut back on my eating, he supported that, too, but I wouldn't have expect to eat the same way.
We were only competitive in gin rummy, really.
I've always thought part of the key to a successful marriage (mine ran 20+ years) is having complementary neuroses.
If he's undermining you deliberately in some way (like taunting you about your individual differences and how it's easy for him), or even doing so in an unaware way accidentally, have a heart-to-heart with him about how you feel. If he's being generally supportive, but frustrating you by being a different person with strengths and challenges, that's more something you need to work out with yourself, IMO.17 -
He has anxiety? I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and i would not be jealous of that in the slightest.9
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No, I am not competitive at all with my husband. He’s also a naturally thin person that also easily eats twice as much as I do. He eats to live, I live to eat. Sometimes life isn’t fair, just the way it is. It’s part of learning we have to accept things we can not control.4
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Some good advice given already. I just want to add that when people talk about someone being "naturally thin", it often misses the fact that the person has a higher TDEE, more physical job, takes more steps in a day, fidgets more, skips breakfast etc. This is more likely than someone being thin due to their genes.14
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My husband and I were both about 50lbs overweight six months before our wedding, and both wanted to get in shape.
During that 6 months, he lost about 20 pounds and all his clothes fit him better - I think I gained 5 from sheer stress eating.
He's also an athlete - ran competitively in high school and college, and then gained the weight after he got a desk job out of college. When he got back to running/strength training, the pounds just seemed to melt off. I never exercised as a kid - my mom decided we were all going to be musicians, not athletes. The first time I ever exercised was college, when my eating habits were real bad.
I know that he has a higher TDEE than me - he's more active, he's bigger - and at the time he was also eating less because he lived with his mother, who is diabetic/vegetarian and eats very little.
He lost the weight because he buckled down, exercised every day.
I gained because I would get stressed about wedding planning and eat an entire bag of Cheetos.
Fast forward to today, when I've finally taken charge of my diet, and I'm slimming down just as fast as him
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is also the first time in my life I've ever counted calories and steps. Real wake up call when you see how fast some of your favorite foods add up.
I used to believe he just had a "faster metabolism" and I had a "slower metabolism" - turns out he was just a lot more active than me.5 -
I'm the other way around. My wife might hit 140 if she isn't careful but just cuts snacks and can get back to 135. She is on her feet all day when working and just knows when her pants are a bit tight to cut back.
I'm working my butt off, running 40k a week, lifting, counting and it's hard work to get rid of the last 15-20.
But we are not competitive about it or about exercise. We run at the same parkrun on Saturdays, but not together. Although she has been PB'ing the last few weeks so she may catch me one day soon if I'm not careful.5 -
My dh lost more weight than me because he went on a medication that as a side effect lessened his appetite. He did not calorie count, change type of food he ate, or change his activity level. He does not worry about nutrition and often skips meals because he just isn't hungry. Sometimes I feel wistful about it all as I still outweigh him by about 10 lbs and have to work a lot harder to lose and maintain weight. I never feel like skipping meals. I don't want to have the issue that required him to take that medication though. I have 1 pill vs his sack of pills. I'm glad he is at a healthy weight.
My dd was underweight and had to gain about 20 lbs. Working with her on that I know that it is not easy to gain for some people either as they have to also make different choices or change their lifestyle. She did not have special genes that did not make her gain weight no matter what she ate. She was not consuming enough calories to be a higher weight. When she changed her calorie consumption then she started to gain weight too.
Your dh might benefit from eating and drinking more calorie dense things to maintain or gain while increasing his activity. https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10142490/a-list-of-calorie-dense-foods/p12 -
My husband and I are competitive about board games. Not weight loss though but I can totally understand where you are coming from. We had both come into it relationship having lost a great deal of weight previously. We then both out on weight although I put in MUCH more than he did. About six months ago he had a health scare and we both finally got serious about losing the weight. In about 4.5-5 months he lost the forty pounds he needed to get into a healthy bmi and now has been focusing on maintenance. I'm currently at just over 55 pounds lost and I'm only a third of the way to goal.
Logically I'm perfectly fine. I know he did an amazing job and I'm really proud of him. We both have our days where we easy less than ideal but overall we are both eating better. And by better I mean more nutritionally dense foods while still fitting in dessert. I did have a really hard time when he was at the 30-35 pound loss mark and I was at the 40-45 pound mark. My mother was commenting on his weight loss and then turned to me and said, "doesn't it suck how easy men have it?" I jokingly mentioned that I had lost more weight then him and that they hadn't said a thing, but it really hurt. I felt bad because I felt like I was taking away from his success, but it felt like everyone else was taking away from my success.
We still have small issues because he feels guilty eating some of the higher calorie items since he has at least double the calories I do (male+active job=all the calories) but I've told him that if I want it, I will have it and make it for my calories. It doesn't mean he shouldn't have it. But we are very supportive of each other since he knows how much I struggle with family interactions. I do find myself very motivated by the "I told you so" and I look forward to being a healthy weight so I can run it in my family's face that I did it without they're support, but it's also not my main reason for doing it.
It stinks when you feel like you have to compete. Maybe let him know how you feel and talk about it with him.2 -
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Does anyone else ever feel competitive or jealous of their spouse? I’ve been doing this for 3 months, eating 1200-1400 calories a day, working out 3-4 times a week and working really hard. Meanwhile, my husband is naturally thin. He used to have to calorie count to gain, not to lose. I used to buy food for the both of us (I’m gluten free and he’s lactose free) but he got tired of my “healthy” food so now i just buy him stuff I know he likes - Triscuits, sharp cheddar cheese, summer sausage, beef jerky, “Asian” frozen dinners, etc. And he snacks and eats all this food and stays pretty lean. The other night he asked me if I would still be attracted to him if he got skinny by doing more cardio (apparently he wants to lower his resting heart rate to reduce anxiety and doesn’t care about what he looks like). The frustrating thing is I know he’ll have no issues losing weight by just doing a little more cardio and eating more or less the same. That’s just how his body his. But I’ll continue to be the fat wife (I weigh more than him) no matter how hard I try. His genetics are just better than my genetics. Sorry to vent, I’m just frustrated it’s so easy for him and so hard for me. Anyone else competitive with their spouse or partner? Any tips?
NO to both of the statements in bold above. Not to be harsh but those are false statements which makes them excuses.
Do not compare yourself to another human being. That's a waste of energy. Keep being active, accurately meet your daily / weekly calorie goal and you'll lose weight.10 -
Comparison is the thief of joy. If you stop comparing yourself, your weight, your journey, your fitness, your whatever to others and just try to be a better person today than you were yesterday (the only comparison worth making IMHO), you will likely be a happier person.5
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My spouse and I just try to support each other’s activities. There are enough people, jobs, and circumstances to drag us down and compete with, no need to do that each other too.4
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My husband has always been thin. He wears the exact same size pants now as he did when we met 10 years ago. He has a pretty active job and a higher than average metabolism (tested and confirmed by a doctor). But he’s endlessly supportive of my weight loss efforts. I’ll admit that sometimes I jealous that it seems like he can eat whatever he wants and doesn’t gain a pound but I just look at ice cream and gain five. But I know that’s not reality. Reality is that he’s more active than me and he really doesn’t eat more or as much as I did when I wasn’t watching my diet. Yes, he doesn’t have to watch his foods as carefully as I do but that doesn’t mean that even with his faster metabolism he could actually eat like I used to and not gain weight.1
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No. There's no reason to be competitive with him. He's much taller, weighs 60 lbs more than me and is extremely active in his job. I sit on my *kitten* all day at work. Our calorie needs are nothing alike. And yes he is thin and can whatever and however much he wants to. It does not bother me. He also has a lot of digestive issues and can't eat a lot of things because they upset his stomach, and meanwhile I have a stomach of steel and can eat anything, so that's just an example of us having different obstacles. You should just try to be supportive of your husband for trying to better his health3
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While I would love to be able to drop weight like my husband, I am still glad he has an easy time of it. I want him healthy and around for a long, long time so the easier it is for him the better!3
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No I'm not. I kind of have the opposite issue where I seem to lose weight very easily and I am able to eat what I want (the thing is what I want isn't having everything all at once). He is taller and weighs more than me, but I am more active.
I think just supporting each others goals and keeping your eyes in your own lane is the best thing you can do.3 -
my fiance could afford to GAIN a few pounds.
no, it doesnt make me jealous or feel resentment. guys naturally burn more calories (in general), and he works hard. and he doesnt (usually) eat much to begin with. I can EASILY out eat him if I chose to LOL
it is what it is. as long as he doesnt tell me how to look, i wont tell him how to look 2 -
My husband is able to achieve a lean look with a bit of exercise and some minimal diet planning.
I've never been jealous of him, I'm happy for him. How would my life be better if maintaining a healthy weight was harder for him? It wouldn't be -- it would just be harder for him and that doesn't sound great. Life can be hard enough. Whenever anyone I love has an easier time with something, I think it's a good thing.
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janejellyroll wrote: »My husband is able to achieve a lean look with a bit of exercise and some minimal diet planning.
I've never been jealous of him, I'm happy for him. How would my life be better if maintaining a healthy weight was harder for him? It wouldn't be -- it would just be harder for him and that doesn't sound great. Life can be hard enough. Whenever anyone I love has an easier time with something, I think it's a good thing.
I want to hug you for posting this, but insightfulled it instead. What a beautiful perspective
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We both have been trying to lose weight for years. I did a lot of yoyo attempts at it and my wife was always going with specific diets that pushed different things to be healthy, like whole 30 (one example). She always rolled her eyes at what I was doing and was pretty preachy about how the way she was going about it was better. Only while I would yoyo, she would stall before losing much at all. Then I lost the weight the mfp way and I have kept it off 9 months. She doesn't want to discuss diets with me or with others in my presence at all anymore.1
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I helped my husband lose weight and gain muscle!
Not jealous of his progress, but proud of him. Totally jealous he can eat whatever he wants and not gain any weight, but very proud of him. I'm not perfect, but seeing him accomplish his goals helps motivate me to accomplish mine.1
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