Family comments on your weight
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Sophie87km
Posts: 2 Member
Hi guys. I’m sorry for the long, unpolished post, but I just needed a venue to vent about this...
This is one of the many occasions when family members make seemingly loving comments that only serve to mess up with my psyche. I was excited to hang out with my family, but the subject inevitably came. I knew this was going to happen. Starting early December, I though that I should dieting in preparation to the holidays, so they would not notice my weight gain. And here I was with 4 people telling me that I would be happier if I lost weight. Adding that, if I wanted to ever get married, I should lose weight because good guys don't want to date fat people. To my surprise, I did not feel like crying at the moment. I told them that I am not more or less valuable due to my weight. And when I date someone, I want a guy who will love me for who I am and for what I have accomplished. They said that I simply says those things as a defense mechanisms, because is what fat people say.
My brother said that weight says a lot about your character and discipline. Honestly, I don’t agree. I am a good person and very caring with others. I know I have a good heart and weight has nothing to do with that. I am sure I have shown discipline being an immigrant to the US, getting my MD degree, a masters from an Ivy League school. However, somehow my weight would reflect more discipline? I’m sad that they believe that I would be somewhat more valuable if I were thinner. Maybe a hotter commodity?
I was proud how I was able to confront them without breaking down. But honestly, as the conversations progressed I started internalizing these things and got this knot in my throat and wanted to walk out and cry. I clenched my hands under the table to avoid crying. My mom came out with dessert, and asked if I wanted some, but I was too embarrassed to take a piece. I mean how could I be eating cake when they just unanimously told me I was fat?
I know that my family loves me and wants the best for me. However, I wish they worked on executing their “life advice.”
I have dealt with depression in the past. I have come a long way since then and I know that happiness does not equate to weight loss. Mental peace and happiness are far more complex. I fully agree that I should work on having a healthier weight secondary to healthy habits, because that is part of showing love to my body. However, I find it so disappointing when my family would rather see me be thin at any cost. Even though I disagree with their view, it still hurts to hear this and think that people share this perception.
This is one of the many occasions when family members make seemingly loving comments that only serve to mess up with my psyche. I was excited to hang out with my family, but the subject inevitably came. I knew this was going to happen. Starting early December, I though that I should dieting in preparation to the holidays, so they would not notice my weight gain. And here I was with 4 people telling me that I would be happier if I lost weight. Adding that, if I wanted to ever get married, I should lose weight because good guys don't want to date fat people. To my surprise, I did not feel like crying at the moment. I told them that I am not more or less valuable due to my weight. And when I date someone, I want a guy who will love me for who I am and for what I have accomplished. They said that I simply says those things as a defense mechanisms, because is what fat people say.
My brother said that weight says a lot about your character and discipline. Honestly, I don’t agree. I am a good person and very caring with others. I know I have a good heart and weight has nothing to do with that. I am sure I have shown discipline being an immigrant to the US, getting my MD degree, a masters from an Ivy League school. However, somehow my weight would reflect more discipline? I’m sad that they believe that I would be somewhat more valuable if I were thinner. Maybe a hotter commodity?
I was proud how I was able to confront them without breaking down. But honestly, as the conversations progressed I started internalizing these things and got this knot in my throat and wanted to walk out and cry. I clenched my hands under the table to avoid crying. My mom came out with dessert, and asked if I wanted some, but I was too embarrassed to take a piece. I mean how could I be eating cake when they just unanimously told me I was fat?
I know that my family loves me and wants the best for me. However, I wish they worked on executing their “life advice.”
I have dealt with depression in the past. I have come a long way since then and I know that happiness does not equate to weight loss. Mental peace and happiness are far more complex. I fully agree that I should work on having a healthier weight secondary to healthy habits, because that is part of showing love to my body. However, I find it so disappointing when my family would rather see me be thin at any cost. Even though I disagree with their view, it still hurts to hear this and think that people share this perception.
17
Replies
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Do not mistake their concern for a measure of your value. They are concerned for you yet are being thoughtless about how they are expressing it.
You are not your weight. There is so much more to people (you) than their bodies. You know what you have to offer someone so be confident in that.
Having said that weight does have a bearing on your health and perhaps they thought the comments (they were rude) was a motivator for you (wrongly). People who love us and are concered think they have the freedom to say whatever they want and because they love us we should accept it not knowing it often hurts more when we hear it from them.
You'll lose weight if and only when you are ready to address it and for your health if you need to lose it's best to address it, let their comments roll off as loving concern however misplaced the actual comments were.3 -
Hugs to you @Sophie87km. I had a similar experience the day after Thanksgiving via a “well-meaning” text from my mother. I know first hand how much that can hurt, but try not to let them crush your spirit. You are SO much more than your weight.2
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I'm sorry that your family is so thoughtless. I just had my second baby 4.5 months ago, and my mom said to me this weekend, "Oh! You still have a belly!"
Not what I wanted to hear. I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was 3 years ago. Since I'm so short, every pound is obvious.
I'm glad you understand that our weight does not define us. We are good, beautiful people. We are working towards health.3 -
Thank you all for your kind words and empathy.1
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Sophie you came to this country and totally rocked it. Your Ivy League degree and professional degree do indeed prove to all that you are one hard working and tough individual. As you know, and others have said, you are NOT your weight.
If your weight is an issue for you down the road, I have no doubt you’ll do what it takes to handle that, just like you’ve handled getting an education and becoming a professional. You rock!!5 -
Your self worth is very high and hard to come by. Don't let them ruin that. Stay fabulous and if you do choose to lose weight, do it for you not their comments. Congrats on your professional accomplishments2
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When it comes to other people, family included, you need to learn to set HARD boundaries.
You have to become immune to their influence and criticism. You have to stick out from the pack and firmly let them know IT IS YOUR LIFE and you do not want their comments. The biggest problem for people with doing anything great in their lives is the influence and sabotage by those around them. For some reason, people feel uncomfortable when someone doesn't tow the line like everyone else. Also, people feel they are entitled and obligated to tell others what they should do and how they should live. Has listening to other people got most people anywhere? You'll probably notice that all the great things that have gone on in your life were due to your own intuition, choices, and hard work. Another thing, when someone gives advice, all you need to do is look at their life. If someone is unhealthy, broke, unsuccessful, who are they to give advice? If they know it all, why are they so miserable? In other words, taking their advice will get you their life. Pay attention only to those who have done great things. And you'll notice, these people didn't listen to the sheep.
Protect your goals and your dreams fiercely. Do not let up for ANYONE.5 -
My family constantly criticizes anyone who is overweight including me. I gained my weight during a severe bought with post partum depression. I currently weigh more than I did 9 months pregnant. You can not block thoughts comments out, they hurt alot when you are constantly criticized. Money and weight are my 2. I dont have the successful career with money and I am not thin enough for my parents. I need help1
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Forget them for a minute. Do you want to pursue weight loss? You you, not the my family pushed my button you.
Because if it’s something you want for yourself, it’s doable. Calorie counting works. Add me if you want, I’ll do my best to walk you through it. Weight loss is a skill set.
But the mental/emotional aspect- you need to be able to live in your own bubble. Because if you polled folks on this board, most of us would likely bet that you will soon be posting about the lack of family support for your weight loss efforts. That’s if they don’t resort to straight on sabotage.0 -
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My heart ached as I read this. I lost 100 lbs and my family never ever mentioned my weight to me before that. I am shocked that your family felt it was appropriate and particularly in the company of so many. I think you may be in the position where you calmly and firmly need to tell them that it is not appropriate to discuss it like that.
Why do people think that someone with a weight problem doesn't know they need to lose or that they are endangering their health???? I knew every step of the way what I was doing. It wasn't until I had some self confidence that I was able to lose. Beating someone up will not help it only makes it more difficult.
Don't let them hurt you like that again. You don't have to get angry but you do need to show them your strength. Sending you a great big hug!2
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