Family comments on your weight

Options
Sophie87km
Sophie87km Posts: 2 Member
edited January 2019 in Motivation and Support
Hi guys. I’m sorry for the long, unpolished post, but I just needed a venue to vent about this...

This is one of the many occasions when family members make seemingly loving comments that only serve to mess up with my psyche. I was excited to hang out with my family, but the subject inevitably came. I knew this was going to happen. Starting early December, I though that I should dieting in preparation to the holidays, so they would not notice my weight gain. And here I was with 4 people telling me that I would be happier if I lost weight. Adding that, if I wanted to ever get married, I should lose weight because good guys don't want to date fat people. To my surprise, I did not feel like crying at the moment. I told them that I am not more or less valuable due to my weight. And when I date someone, I want a guy who will love me for who I am and for what I have accomplished. They said that I simply says those things as a defense mechanisms, because is what fat people say.

My brother said that weight says a lot about your character and discipline. Honestly, I don’t agree. I am a good person and very caring with others. I know I have a good heart and weight has nothing to do with that. I am sure I have shown discipline being an immigrant to the US, getting my MD degree, a masters from an Ivy League school. However, somehow my weight would reflect more discipline? I’m sad that they believe that I would be somewhat more valuable if I were thinner. Maybe a hotter commodity?

I was proud how I was able to confront them without breaking down. But honestly, as the conversations progressed I started internalizing these things and got this knot in my throat and wanted to walk out and cry. I clenched my hands under the table to avoid crying. My mom came out with dessert, and asked if I wanted some, but I was too embarrassed to take a piece. I mean how could I be eating cake when they just unanimously told me I was fat?
I know that my family loves me and wants the best for me. However, I wish they worked on executing their “life advice.”

I have dealt with depression in the past. I have come a long way since then and I know that happiness does not equate to weight loss. Mental peace and happiness are far more complex. I fully agree that I should work on having a healthier weight secondary to healthy habits, because that is part of showing love to my body. However, I find it so disappointing when my family would rather see me be thin at any cost. Even though I disagree with their view, it still hurts to hear this and think that people share this perception.

Replies

  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
    Options
    Do not mistake their concern for a measure of your value. They are concerned for you yet are being thoughtless about how they are expressing it.

    You are not your weight. There is so much more to people (you) than their bodies. You know what you have to offer someone so be confident in that.

    Having said that weight does have a bearing on your health and perhaps they thought the comments (they were rude) was a motivator for you (wrongly). People who love us and are concered think they have the freedom to say whatever they want and because they love us we should accept it not knowing it often hurts more when we hear it from them.

    You'll lose weight if and only when you are ready to address it and for your health if you need to lose it's best to address it, let their comments roll off as loving concern however misplaced the actual comments were.
  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
    Options
    Hugs to you @Sophie87km. I had a similar experience the day after Thanksgiving via a “well-meaning” text from my mother. I know first hand how much that can hurt, but try not to let them crush your spirit. You are SO much more than your weight.
  • pennyks88
    pennyks88 Posts: 167 Member
    Options
    I'm sorry that your family is so thoughtless. I just had my second baby 4.5 months ago, and my mom said to me this weekend, "Oh! You still have a belly!" :/ Not what I wanted to hear. I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was 3 years ago. Since I'm so short, every pound is obvious.

    I'm glad you understand that our weight does not define us. We are good, beautiful people. We are working towards health.
  • Sophie87km
    Sophie87km Posts: 2 Member
    Options
    Thank you all for your kind words and empathy.
  • Idontcareyoupick
    Idontcareyoupick Posts: 2,848 Member
    Options
    Your self worth is very high and hard to come by. Don't let them ruin that. Stay fabulous and if you do choose to lose weight, do it for you not their comments. Congrats on your professional accomplishments
  • 170byjuly
    170byjuly Posts: 3 Member
    Options
    My family constantly criticizes anyone who is overweight including me. I gained my weight during a severe bought with post partum depression. I currently weigh more than I did 9 months pregnant. You can not block thoughts comments out, they hurt alot when you are constantly criticized. Money and weight are my 2. I dont have the successful career with money and I am not thin enough for my parents. I need help
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,482 Member
    Options
    Forget them for a minute. Do you want to pursue weight loss? You you, not the my family pushed my button you.

    Because if it’s something you want for yourself, it’s doable. Calorie counting works. Add me if you want, I’ll do my best to walk you through it. Weight loss is a skill set.

    But the mental/emotional aspect- you need to be able to live in your own bubble. Because if you polled folks on this board, most of us would likely bet that you will soon be posting about the lack of family support for your weight loss efforts. That’s if they don’t resort to straight on sabotage.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Options
    88olds wrote: »
    Forget them for a minute. Do you want to pursue weight loss? You you, not the my family pushed my button you.

    this was going to be my question too.
  • cheryldumais
    cheryldumais Posts: 1,907 Member
    Options
    My heart ached as I read this. I lost 100 lbs and my family never ever mentioned my weight to me before that. I am shocked that your family felt it was appropriate and particularly in the company of so many. I think you may be in the position where you calmly and firmly need to tell them that it is not appropriate to discuss it like that.

    Why do people think that someone with a weight problem doesn't know they need to lose or that they are endangering their health???? I knew every step of the way what I was doing. It wasn't until I had some self confidence that I was able to lose. Beating someone up will not help it only makes it more difficult.

    Don't let them hurt you like that again. You don't have to get angry but you do need to show them your strength. Sending you a great big hug!