Wow, you’ve lost weight!

Beeingthin
Beeingthin Posts: 40 Member
in Motivation and Support
I’ve lost 30 pounds since having my last baby 1 year ago. I get comments from family memebers like “wow, look how much weight you lost!”, “you look great!”, “you can really tell in your face how much weight you lost”, “you’ve done a great job!”. These comments make me feel good, but also don’t make me feel good. I’ve always been up and down my whole life. When I’m pregnant, I’ve always gained a ton of weight and take it off in a year or so. If I’m depressed, I tend to gain weight. So while the comments are well intentioned and DO make me feel good, at the same time I wonder how little they thought of me when I was overweight. No one has made as big of a deal about job promotions or pregnancy announcements as they have about my weightloss. It’s like I’m getting the messege that I’m worth more as a thin person than as an overweight person.

Replies

  • rileyskye1
    rileyskye1 Posts: 38 Member
    I totally understand. Sometimes even though it may be said with good intention, it may actually cause your brain to think opposite. I have only lost 12 lbs and my family tells me the same and is all it does it start making me think negative thoughts about it all.
  • abcmommyx3
    abcmommyx3 Posts: 123 Member
    I get that too... I think it is just because they want us to be healthy. They don't really mean anything horrible by it. Day in day out it is all I hear.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,324 Member
    I get you. but welcome to life. humans are visual - and respect fit good looking people more than an overweight person with PHD ..it isn't right. but that's the way it is.
  • theowlbox
    theowlbox Posts: 912 Member
    i think they likely have good intentions, but it's possible that you are right and they do think you're worth more thin. But the problem isn't what they do but how you feel about it. It's possible that you feel that way and when people comment on the change, that's what you hear. you already had a wound and they are brushing against it.
    regardless of what they do, i hope that you are able to develop a sense of self that helps you to feel worthy, precious and valuable regardless of what people think of your body.
  • EliseTK1
    EliseTK1 Posts: 483 Member
    @Beeingthin I totally feel you on the message that you're worth more thin. I agree with those who say it's a societal problem. This message was HUGE in my family growing up, as the thin family members and friends were worshipped and the majority of us who were overweight were encouraged to diet (in an unhealthy way) and hate ourselves.

    Every time I go home to visit family comments on how fit/healthy/great I and my husband look. It's both gratifying because health and wellness are a priority for us and exasperating because I know I'd be seen as less successful as a person to them if I were obese. It also makes me want to give them each a hug and tell them to stop equating their weight to their self worth. It took me years to stop feeling guilty and worthless when I'd gain weight. I'm finally emotionally healthy and am firmly holding onto that.
  • neugebauer52
    neugebauer52 Posts: 1,120 Member
    Somebody told me that I had lost a lot of weight in my face. I don't want to lose fat there, what about my triple belly and other areas I can't see?
  • jesspen91
    jesspen91 Posts: 1,383 Member
    chirstym wrote: »
    I'm fully of the opinion that you should never comment on someone's body unless they ask for your thoughts (and only then if they are a close friend/family member whom you know well enough to speak to kindly). With so many people struggling with eating disorders and negative self-image, it's just too risky. A key example is if someone overweight develops bulimia or anorexia and is congratulated on 'getting healthy', this increases the likelihood of their disease continuing/getting worse and perpetuates the thin=healthy myth. So I completely understand how you feel! If you feel you can, it might be good to bring it up with a friend or family member who would be understanding and tell them how it makes you feel? It's tricky because it's very much a societal problem - I'd wager everyone who has changed weight has experienced someone commenting on it! Regardless, hang in there and keep doing what makes you feel good, however you define that :)

    True. Also people often lose weight due to illness. Unless someone tells me that they are trying to lose weight I keep comments to myself.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    Your friends shouldn't care about your job promotion. Your friends should share your joy, if you have any, for your pregnancy. Your friends, uninvited, share joy at your weight loss. It seems like you have friends that care for you.
  • OneRatGirl
    OneRatGirl Posts: 124 Member
    I think the assumption is that people always want to be thinner, so it's an appropriate comment. Most people do just mean to be nice by saying it.

    But I get how you feel. I think it can feel rough especially if you're not sure you'll keep it off, which is a bit of the feeling I get from your post. But your weight doesn't define you. You're doing well at work, and have a baby, so good work and congratulations on both!
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,269 Member
    I agree with much of the above, that most people intentions are good, and should be taken as such.

    I'd add this:

    For most of us, other people's jobs are a vague and kind of theoretical idea in our minds. That makes their promotions not very vivid, in a way. We don't really relate, so any comments are likely perfunctory at best.

    Other people's pregnancies are more relatable to some, but not all; and, if it were happening to them, different people would have different feelings about it, some positive, some not. So, you'll often get pro forma reactions.

    But weight loss? A very large fraction of people would love to lose a little weight, admit it or not . . . or even lose a lot. They're tried, often, and "can't". But here you are doing it, visibly, and wow, can they ever relate, and they'd be so happy if they were in your shoes. Boom: Effusive compliments.

    Part of this is people's empathy with the situation. Much of what anyone feels and says is more about the person speaking, than about the person being spoken of.

    Sure, some is true happiness for you; some is veiled negativity about past you; etc. Humans are complicated.

    Don't overthink it, and looking for the negative explanations is only going to reduce your positive feelings IMO. Just take the compliments at face value, and go on being your successful, happy, accomplished self.

    Congratulations! :)

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