Hate who I have become

RemiLove123 · January 2019

Hello all, I hate who I have become. I really sort of know how this happened sort of. I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was 200 pounds then and now 1.75 years later I am still sober but I'm a whopping 280 pounds heaviest I have ever been. I have tried just about everything to get into shape again Atkins, Keto, the 30-40-50 carb grams things, vegetarian, all protein diet with Metamucil for fiber, complete starvation, water only, fruit only, exercise, all sorts of diets. I notice after about 3-8 weeks I get highly discouraged. I literally have zero support with my weight loss. I know from recovery the support of a community makes all the difference for me. I would not be sober if it weren't for the community that supports me. This time it will be different I keep saying to myself, but yet like all other times I end up going back to eating to feel good about anything. I love to eat when I feel low in my life. I don't think it's my diet as much as it's my lack of exercise that's the real issue. Before the addition stuff took over I was highly active, I would run miles, X-country ski for miles in the woods, downhill ski, snowshoe, hike, go on my bike rides, go for really long walks, swim all day, canoe for miles. I was always active.
I have to be honest for the past 6 days since I have started to think about losing weight again and giving it a go again I have been extremely anxious and really feeling physically sick. I am afraid I am gonna try this again and fail again. I don't really know what to do to lose weight, I don't have a clue what I should really be eating, I feel like a half hour on a treadmill is a complete waste of time. I like to lift weights but hate being the biggest guy in the gym. I feel crazy levels of fear and anxiety in the gym so I don't go. I feel like everybody is looking at me they probably are not but I feel so ashamed of my body and feel really fat and ugly. I keep saying to myself and family I can't figure out why I can't get a girlfriend? Well laying in bed the other day I figured it out I am 44 and male I have this belly that makes me look pregnant. My main feature physically is my belly. No wonders women don't want to be with me I look legit pregnant. I have skinny arms and legs with b-cup boobs and a big pregnant looking belly.
I am so deeply embarrassed and ashamed of how I look, I have hit a rock bottom in my life again and realize things need to change. I need to lose weight, I need to eat better, I am too young to look and feel this way. I never thought in a million years I would look like this or feel this lazy and bad in my life. The real issue is I have literally no clue what to do to change my situation. I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about weight loss. Maybe I need a professional diet person and a personal trainer for a while to get me going in the right direction. So If anybody has any advice as to what or where I should find information out to help change my situation that would be great! I am sick and tired of feeling and looking this way I need a plan and I need information as to how to help change my life. I am ready and willing to listen and to do the work needed. Sorry so long . I just need support and some information to be successful this time.

RelCanonical · January 2019

The best place to start for me was to collect data and information. For data, I just started logging what I already ate. It helped me determine where my biggest calorie bombs were. I also determined what made me feel full, and what didn't, and took note of that. I then did research. What foods were out there that could work in place of the food that was causing me to be in a calorie surplus? Could I get rid of it, reduce it, or substitute it without going insane from being too strict? I'd basically choose on of the three, and a fourth (no change) was an option as well if its was only moderately high and vaguely unsatisfying. I just learned about myself, basically, and learned to treat nutrition as an amoral, scientific process that both my mind and body needed to feel physically and psychologically satisfied.

I then started to get excited about food again. I tried new recipes, figured out fun and easy ways to make food at home, and looked at all the options in restaurants to try and see what else I liked that could be lower calorie. I'm still not even deficit eating yet, I'm just trying new things and figuring out what will work when I do start deficit eating. I'm logging it all so it's available when I do start eating in a deficit.

Then, I start eating in a deficit, but don't worry too much about maintenance days. If there's a special occasion, I enjoy myself and eat what I want, but just to satisfaction. I make sure to include special occasion foods in smaller portions throughout my diet to avoid binge eating on special occasions.

Most importantly, though, once I got the hang of it, I WENT BACK TO MY LIFE. I kept up with hobbies, I worked on sleeping better and writing better and doing whatever it is you want to do better. I'm painting my door frames white. I'm taking care of my cat. I'm finishing a short story. I'm making life about more than food, because the first time I tried losing, that's all I thought about, and it became literal torture by the end. And I started binge eating, and felt like a failure because my life was staked on what I was eating that day, and it wasn't healthy. So, that's the most important thing. Use your data to make healthy decisions, and then go back to life.

GEPG · January 2019

Hi, just wanted to say that you wouldn’t let someone speak to you the way you let your inner voice speak to you. I’m a 39 year old woman. My youngest child is nearly 5 and I look pregnant. I too use food when I’m depressed. But I’m finding just doing it one day at a time. Logging my food and being honest. I log it before I eat it. And just cutting down on how much I eat. So I’m not going back for seconds. So far I’m finding this is working for me. Oh and I need to weigh everyday, it makes me feel more in control. Well done on being sober. That’s no mean feat. And don’t beat yourself up about your weight. You can get to a place that you feel happy. I’m thinking perhaps speak to your addictions counsellor? They will have seen this before. Good luck.

88olds · January 2019

Take heart. There’s legitimate reasons to have hope. Looking at your list, seems like you’ve tried everything except straight on calorie counting weight loss.

I can attest to the fact that it works. I was 44 and weighed 285 lbs at the start. I weighed 169 yesterday. I haven’t been over 184 lbs since 2006. Not typos.

Get a food scale, use the calculators to calculate 1 lb loss per week, start a food diary and try to hit your number. You’ll soon find that you have a better chance to hit your number if you start the week with a plan. Plan each day and week. In your planning be on the lookout for potential problems.

Rule #1 is keep you food diary no matter what, good, bad or ugly. If your plan doesn’t work at some point, make it better next time. The only way to fail is quit. Situations, days, whole weeks may not work out. Those are problems to be solved for when they come up again.

Losing weight in the gym or on the track seems to work when we’re younger. Almost anything reasonable can work then. But weight loss takes place mostly in the kitchen.

The time factor. That voice in your head telling you that 1 lb per week is too slow is the same voice sucking the life out of you and leaving you feeling hopeless. Goal weight belongs to the persistent and determined. There’s no short cut. But there’s no trick or secret to know, just a bunch of little habits and time. Find a livable downward trend and time can be your ally.

You can do this. Your weight isn’t keeping you from a relationship, it’s your head holding you back. Calorie counting is about learning to live within some reasonable limits. It’s ok. Life has all sorts of limits and we deal with them every day and do just fine.

Give yourself plenty of time with the calorie counting learning curve. It gets easier. You’ll feel a lot better once you see you really can drive the bus. Good luck.

tulips_and_tea · January 2019

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling but I really like the advice you've been given so far. Good information and thoughtful posts.

Talking to your doctor is a good first step, but keep in mind that many doctors aren't weight loss or nutrition specialists so express to them your goal and then ask to be referred to a registered dietician.

Dontletitbeatyou2018 · January 2019

Feel your pain the first part is always the hardest but once you start seeing changes you just want to keep going

fittesttits · January 2019

You CAN do this! Start with treating yourself with compassion and love. You are worth the effort!
Talking to your doctor is also a great step. He/She can guide you to the proper nutrition and exercise plans. Go very easy on the exercise at first-- it is of utmost importance to get the nutrition under control first.
Sending prayers, love and hugs to you!

gallicinvasion · January 2019

I see a lot of sadness in your words. In addition to all the good advice above, I would seriously consider seeing a counselor or a behavioral therapist, to get to the root of why you’re eating in a way that makes you unhappy. It seems like you have an idea already, how you use food to cope with feeling down, but it helps to bounce ideas off someone else and hear them repeat your thoughts back and diagnose where you can change things (habits, thought patterns, etc).

smolmaus · January 2019

You got sober? You can do this. You had support and information before and now you can have them again. You don't know what to do? You're getting great advice already and the Most Helpful threads are excellent resources to start with. There's nothing to be scared of here.

I understand it looks like a cliff face you have to climb here but it's really just a long walk up a hill. Small steps every day, you can't fail unless you do it deliberately.

GEPG wrote: »

Hi, just wanted to say that you wouldn’t let someone speak to you the way you let your inner voice speak to you.

Also agree with this, and the suggestion that you look into therapy. Healing the mind is as important, probably more important, than healing the body. That you're overweight is not the all-ending disaster that your brain is telling you it is. A lot of people are overweight, a lot of people will be in the future, it's an easy thing to do. Human brains naturally take comfort from food, like a lot of animals. You're not broken, you just need to find a slightly better way of doing things.

jennifer_417 · January 2019

First of all, CONGRATS on your sobriety! It's a tough road, but you're doing it!

Second, as far as weight loss is concerned, the absolute only vital thing is to eat fewer calories than you burn. Plug your info into MFP and eat the number of calories that it tells you. You don't have to eliminate any of the foods you enjoy!

Finally, be kind to yourself. Life has not been easy, but you're still here. You've done difficult things before, you can do it again. Don't get down on yourself for your weight, life happens, and now you're waking up to the fact that there's better options!

cheryldumais · January 2019

Congratulations on getting sober! That is an amazing accomplishment. As for weight loss, your story reminds me of my own. I tried all the latest fad diets and never could maintain them for very long. Ultimately I came here and lost the weight I had been trying to lose my entire life. I was 60 years old when I finally got smart. Sounds to me like you are smarter than I was. Try setting a reasonable calorie level (nevermind losing it quickly) and take one day at a time. It took me 2 years to lose 100 lbs but I've kept it off. I also learned alot along that journey. The first year I lost most of it so don't let that depress you, lol. The last 20 pounds took a year.

COGypsy · January 2019

If you've been successful in the recovery community, maybe you could try some Overeaters Anonymous meetings? That might give you some of the support and structure you need, but in a familiar framework. Plus it would be building on the success you've had in recovery rather than focusing on past weight loss attempts that didn't pan out.

snowflake954 · January 2019

So many good ideas OP. You can do it. It's not complicated, just start. Get a digital food scale. Start weighing and measuring everything you eat and drink. Get your daily calorie goal--try to stay within it everyday. Then start to move more, even walking to start. You can walk a little farther, and, or, faster, every week. Don't overdo exercise at first. It's always good to check in with your doctor first, and if your anxiety issues continue, see a specialist about that too. Good Luck.

TanyaHooton · January 2019

Congratulations on getting sober! That is not an easy thing to do.

I ask with all kindness, is it possible you've traded alcohol/drug addiction for food addiction? I ask because you say you "love to eat when I feel low." That sounds like self-medication to deal with your feelings.

I think you need a wholistic plan of attack. In your post you sound very intelligent, that you've thought a lot about this, and you bring up a number of data points. You know what to do. You know what you need. But you have a hard time sticking to it. It sounds like your "head" is all in, but your heart is reluctant. I think starting with the doctor is very good. Ask for a referral to a dietician, but maybe also ask for a referral to a counselor or a therapist so you can dig into any unhealthy patterns around managing what caused the addictions in the first place or how to manage the emotions that lead to eating. Sometimes, although we are smart, we still need the help of a professional and there is no shame in asking for help to get better.

palmuphandopen · January 2019

Congratulations on your sobriety... if you are attending 12 step meetings you know that it is a day at a time, and sometimes even a minute at a time... you also know and can lean on "progress not perfection". Perfectionism won't get you to your goals of feeling healthy and feeling better about yourself. So how bout this? Put down the bat you're beating yourself up with, make a promise to yourself that you will not adopt a crash or fad diet this time.

Promise yourself to be kind and speak kindly to yourself.

What you weigh today is just your starting point. When you're ready to start just track. Just track your calories for the first week or even 10 days. Then start setting some goals. Do you want to lose 2 lbs/week? Set that up in mfp. Give yourself time, gentle loving care, and come here and let us know how you're doing.

You got this.

Hate who I have become

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