One household, 2 WOE
witchaywoman81
Posts: 280 Member
So I’ve been tracking my calories since December 31, 2018 in an effort to finally lose this extra 60 pounds or so. I have decided that I don’t care how quickly it comes off. I’m tracking as honestly as I can and eating foods I like. So far so good. I’m just shy of 6 lbs lost and chugging along.
Now, there’s my hubby, whom I love dearly, but he’s very much all or nothing when it comes to his diet. He’s one of those who subscribes to the idea that he must eat nothing but grilled chicken and veggies in order to lose weight. Every 6 months or so he really buckles down on this WOE for a couple weeks, a month, but he inevitably goes back to his old ways. His usual, non “dieting” WOE is to not eat much during the day, then binge on whatever he can find in the pantry after everyone else has gone to bed.
How can I gently steer him in the right direction? I haven’t really talked to him about what I’m doing; I’m kind of hoping after 10-20 lbs gone, it’ll start to be noticeable.
Now, there’s my hubby, whom I love dearly, but he’s very much all or nothing when it comes to his diet. He’s one of those who subscribes to the idea that he must eat nothing but grilled chicken and veggies in order to lose weight. Every 6 months or so he really buckles down on this WOE for a couple weeks, a month, but he inevitably goes back to his old ways. His usual, non “dieting” WOE is to not eat much during the day, then binge on whatever he can find in the pantry after everyone else has gone to bed.
How can I gently steer him in the right direction? I haven’t really talked to him about what I’m doing; I’m kind of hoping after 10-20 lbs gone, it’ll start to be noticeable.
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Replies
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I don't think there's any tactful way to tell or suggest to someone else how they should do something as personal as weight loss.
Just do you, boo.
Certainly once you start being successful there will be opportunity to talk about what you're doing, but it won't go well if you start telling him how to do it. Wait until he specifically asks for help....if ever. I mean, he probably won't.15 -
cmriverside wrote: »I don't think there's any tactful way to tell or suggest to someone else how they should do something as personal as weight loss.
Just do you, boo.
Certainly once you start being successful there will be opportunity to talk about what you're doing, but it won't go well if you start telling him how to do it. Wait until he specifically asks for help....if ever. I mean, he probably won't.
Thank you, I know you’re right. I have been guilty of coming across as a know-it-all in the past (not with this, but in other areas of our life) so I know I should lay off. I did show him how to cook chicken in the instant Pot this evening, so I guess at least I’m not being UNsupportive. Ugh...for me though, just the thought of eating chicken and veggies all the time makes me very sad. But, alas...🤐🤐🤐4 -
Once he can see that your approach is working for you, he might realize that he doesn't have to eat grilled chicken and veggies all the time. Or not. A lot of people have...interesting...ideas about weight loss (or the world in general) and don't want to hear things that contradict what they already believe. Ultimately, he has to draw some conclusions for himself about how he wants to live his life, and you may or may not agree with those conclusions.2
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My husband is the same way at times, he will eat whatever is around the house. I try to keep most of our trigger foods out of the house, so we are less likely to eat them late at night. and try to find new healthy food ideas so we are not always eating the same boring things all the time.1
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This used to be my husband and I. When I started this journey in May/June, I didnt say one word, I just changed how I cooked and changed my snacks. I still always have a bedtime snack, it's just different. He was aware of what I was doing but really started asking questions about October, when I was down about 40lbs. He is now down 20lbs and is "mostly" logging, but he also only had about 30lbs to go in the beginning. I'd just do your thing and let him do his.2
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I've realized I can't monitor my husband's eating. When I'm home, I cook for us and he's happy to eat what I cook. But, when I'm not around he does whatever he does and well, that's up to him. And believe me, he eats a lot of garbage when I'm not home. I figure, at least his dinners are healthier than they had been, and weekends he's eating 100% better now also. There's also no trigger foods brought int the house so anything he eats are one shot snacks or meals. I'd hoped he would be as motivated as I've been especially since he's been a great cheerleader for me, but for himself, meh, not at all. Oh well. So be it.2
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I talk to my DH about everything. There’s no topic in our lives that we don’t talk about. So it’s going to get shared with him. I tell him that counting calories works, you can eat want you want within goal and not starve, and MFP makes it really easy. But I don’t expect him to adopt it unless he wants to. He’s going to do his thing; I’ll do mine.5
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My wife found MFP before I did. We were both starting a weight loss program and she heard about MFP from a friend. I didn't check it out right away because I was not just accustomed to me failing but her failing too. I had no reason to think she found the right answer anymore than I had. My plan was pretty solid but didn't include calorie counting. I was using the older WW point system and it was working. I eventually wanted something easier and the rest is the rest.
Obviously the bolded parts are my main points. While you are enjoying great success your latest effort is still very young. I think your plan of waiting until he notices is pretty solid especially if you are enjoying treats as you lose.
However, I don't see why you can't share your day and your news with him as long as you can do so without any hidden agendas. Something simple like "I have lost 6 pounds and I really feel like I found the right system this time. Wish me luck!"
Beyond that just keep focusing on doing what you are doing.6 -
You pretty much described my world. It took about a year and a half for my hubby to start coming around and realize that the secret was CICO and not dry, boring chicken and vegetables. He still doesn't measure like I do and doesn't lose as consistently as I do, but he has made so e headway and somewhat seen the light of CICO.
It took time and seeing my consistent results to see a shift in his WOE. Plus, I do all the cooking, so there's that.4 -
hes a grown man. let him do what he wants. maybe seeing your results will rub off. or not. but you cant force him to eat any certain way.2
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IMO all you can really do is be an example. Do what you need to do to get your weight under control and either he'll get the message or he won't. After the next 1, 2 or 100 failed overkill attempts and seeing your success he'll eventually get on board.1
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I don't really have any suggestions for you, but can empathize.
It's not a weight loss issue at all, because my hubby uses MFP as well and understands when it comes to weight loss/management that it's not what he eats but how much that matters. However, he has developed this WOE that is inconvenient and somewhat annoying. He goes to work pre-dawn and eats lunch about 8:00 a.m. He takes a small quantity (for him) of usually low-calorie food- salads, yogurt, fresh fruit, etc. Then he comes home in the early afternoon starving and loads up on things like pizza, nachos, ice cream, and other high-calorie fare. (I should mention he is also very active and is a weight lifter- his calorie allowance is nearly twice mine.) I mean, he does it deliberately as a way of managing his calories and still getting to have the stuff he wants when he's home & can relax, but he basically eats all afternoon and then the kids & I have our regular dinner & he just has a bowl of oatmeal or popcorn (though if it's something he really likes, he'll make room for it). I just don't include him in our dinner plans anymore and let him do his own thing. Not the end of the world, but just kind of annoying from the standpoint of a family schedule.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest
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My wife about 5 years back was about 100lbs over and don't you dare take her ice cream lol. We were going through photos one day and she asked "Is that really me?"
I'd like to think I helped somehow, but I know it was all her
She's an even 135 now and looks great. 3 -
Rather than waiting til you're 20lbs down, how about recording your weight loss somewhere visible like a calendar so he can see the gradual consistent weight loss you're experiencing.1
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Thanks, all. Really appreciate the insight. This morning after getting the kids off to school I did stop at the store and buy some more veggies. Honestly, I could probably eat more of those as well. As for the plain chicken breast, that's his prerogative and I'll continue to do things my way, without stepping on his way. 3
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i've learned the hard way to not try to make someone change, I've lost friends who thought using PHEN was the only way to lose weight. They have to do it for themselves. Just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully he decides to listen and follow along.3
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Rather than waiting til you're 20lbs down, how about recording your weight loss somewhere visible like a calendar so he can see the gradual consistent weight loss you're experiencing.
That could backfire. I was once like him and the hardest thing for me to get over was trying to hurry the process. I was also too much of an "all or nothing" person. Seeing a slow process would not have worked on me... until I was ready. If he is going to learn it may take several months of watching the OP lose weight successfully.3 -
Rather than waiting til you're 20lbs down, how about recording your weight loss somewhere visible like a calendar so he can see the gradual consistent weight loss you're experiencing.
That could backfire. I was once like him and the hardest thing for me to get over was trying to hurry the process. I was also too much of an "all or nothing" person. Seeing a slow process would not have worked on me... until I was ready. If he is going to learn it may take several months of watching the OP lose weight successfully.
Yeah, I think my thought process here is similar, @NovusDies. I mean, I AM sticking with this, but I want to make sure it truly does stick before I do anything like this. Showing how I lost 5 lbs in a month isn’t as impressive as, for example, doing that each month 4 months in a row, at which time I would be 20 lbs lighter.
Funnily enough, he has seen me struggle with my weight and has actually told me “I can tell you how to lose weight.” Yeah...his way makes the weight come off fast, but as soon as he stops doing it, it starts creeping up again.
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witchaywoman81 wrote: »Rather than waiting til you're 20lbs down, how about recording your weight loss somewhere visible like a calendar so he can see the gradual consistent weight loss you're experiencing.
That could backfire. I was once like him and the hardest thing for me to get over was trying to hurry the process. I was also too much of an "all or nothing" person. Seeing a slow process would not have worked on me... until I was ready. If he is going to learn it may take several months of watching the OP lose weight successfully.
Yeah, I think my thought process here is similar, @NovusDies. I mean, I AM sticking with this, but I want to make sure it truly does stick before I do anything like this. Showing how I lost 5 lbs in a month isn’t as impressive as, for example, doing that each month 4 months in a row, at which time I would be 20 lbs lighter.
Funnily enough, he has seen me struggle with my weight and has actually told me “I can tell you how to lose weight.” Yeah...his way makes the weight come off fast, but as soon as he stops doing it, it starts creeping up again.
That is a vicious cycle that keeps reinforcing itself with quick results. He probably is thinking like I once did that it is just a matter of willpower that is keeping him from sticking with it until he gets to goal.
I learned that it doesn't require willpower to get through a normal day. Since you can't make radical changes and it still be normal the trick is to make very small changes over time so that normal is never too far behind.2 -
Just be aware that he may never come around to your WOE, he may never use MFP no matter how successful you are. I'm 3 years into this, recomping now after losing all the weight I really wanted to. Meanwhile, husband is still eating the way he ever has and is still carrying 40lbs more than he should. I thought he would tune in after observing my success but it hasn't happened yet. *shrug* I love him tons but you can't make someone lose weight if they don't want to do it for themselves.2
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lead by example. no steering allowed. although you might want to consider that men lose way differently and faster than women...do you. let him do him.0
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witchaywoman81 wrote: »Rather than waiting til you're 20lbs down, how about recording your weight loss somewhere visible like a calendar so he can see the gradual consistent weight loss you're experiencing.
That could backfire. I was once like him and the hardest thing for me to get over was trying to hurry the process. I was also too much of an "all or nothing" person. Seeing a slow process would not have worked on me... until I was ready. If he is going to learn it may take several months of watching the OP lose weight successfully.
Yeah, I think my thought process here is similar, @NovusDies. I mean, I AM sticking with this, but I want to make sure it truly does stick before I do anything like this. Showing how I lost 5 lbs in a month isn’t as impressive as, for example, doing that each month 4 months in a row, at which time I would be 20 lbs lighter.
Funnily enough, he has seen me struggle with my weight and has actually told me “I can tell you how to lose weight.” Yeah...his way makes the weight come off fast, but as soon as he stops doing it, it starts creeping up again.
That is a vicious cycle that keeps reinforcing itself with quick results. He probably is thinking like I once did that it is just a matter of willpower that is keeping him from sticking with it until he gets to goal.
I learned that it doesn't require willpower to get through a normal day. Since you can't make radical changes and it still be normal the trick is to make very small changes over time so that normal is never too far behind.
Exactly. My weight has come off faster in the past, but I've been yo-yo dieting since I was about 13. That's enough of that!born_of_fire74 wrote: »Just be aware that he may never come around to your WOE, he may never use MFP no matter how successful you are. I'm 3 years into this, recomping now after losing all the weight I really wanted to. Meanwhile, husband is still eating the way he ever has and is still carrying 40lbs more than he should. I thought he would tune in after observing my success but it hasn't happened yet. *shrug* I love him tons but you can't make someone lose weight if they don't want to do it for themselves.
Yeah, I honestly don't ever see him using MFP, BUT he doesn't need to eat such a boring diet either, imo. I honestly think if he cut back on drinking and stopped the nighttime binging the weight would still fall off him, but we'll see how it goes...0 -
OP, it sounds like your head and heart are in the right places.
An anecdote: When I first married, DH complained regularly about needing to lose 30-40 lb. I had been maintaining a 5 lb range for about 30 years. When I get to the top of my range, I buckle down, count calories, and lose it. When it got to that point, I'd tell him I was going to lose weight and asked if he wanted to also. He always said yes but made no effort. This happened about once a year for 5 years. Then one day he decided to do it and lost 35 lb. He asked for help on a couple specific things. And he started counting calories on another app. I know when he's counting because he asks me how to log dinner (I'm the family cook). Sometimes he appreciates encouragement re: working out or his meditation practice. Sometimes he's testy about encouragement.
Anything that requires sustained behavior change people just have to come to on their own terms.1 -
witchaywoman81 wrote: »Rather than waiting til you're 20lbs down, how about recording your weight loss somewhere visible like a calendar so he can see the gradual consistent weight loss you're experiencing.
That could backfire. I was once like him and the hardest thing for me to get over was trying to hurry the process. I was also too much of an "all or nothing" person. Seeing a slow process would not have worked on me... until I was ready. If he is going to learn it may take several months of watching the OP lose weight successfully.
Yeah, I think my thought process here is similar, @NovusDies. I mean, I AM sticking with this, but I want to make sure it truly does stick before I do anything like this. Showing how I lost 5 lbs in a month isn’t as impressive as, for example, doing that each month 4 months in a row, at which time I would be 20 lbs lighter.
Funnily enough, he has seen me struggle with my weight and has actually told me “I can tell you how to lose weight.” Yeah...his way makes the weight come off fast, but as soon as he stops doing it, it starts creeping up again.
Too true. In the long run a chart is compelling. But, weight loss not being linear, in the short run he'll see on the chart those periods when your weight jumps up. And no amount of saying too much sodium the day before, TOM and hormones, water retention will convince him.1 -
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snickerscharlie wrote: »
Women are barefoot in the kitchen where by diffusion they absorb extra calories from nearby food. Men also burn more calories doing math.13
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