How do you help someone that wont help thereself

gmann1973
gmann1973 Posts: 247
edited October 1 in Motivation and Support
I have a coworker that comes to me almost everyday asking what she can do to lose weight. For over six months I have offered suggestion after suggestion; and her answer is always maybe I will start tomorrow. Today I kind of cracked and said 'No you wont, how can you excpet to reach a destnation if you never leave ur front door" I made her cry. I feel so bad. She says she dosent want to be the way she is, she just dosent know what to do. In the past I told her about MFP, she want join. told her how to diet she lives off donuts and chips. We have small gym at work I offered to come in early and help her the 2 times she said ok she never showed. I just dnt know what to do . I cnt do it for her; HOW DO U HELP SOMEONE THAT WANT HELP THERESELF:frown:

Replies

  • amberdaniels
    amberdaniels Posts: 96
    Sorry honey, but you can't! Until they want to change...it does not matter what you do, they will not change.
  • Lobster1987
    Lobster1987 Posts: 492 Member
    forget about her.
  • bmw4deb
    bmw4deb Posts: 1,324 Member
    You DON'T :frown:

    I feel your frustration I have the same problem with
    a friend of mine, they will take tons of my time asking
    questions me explaining and encouraging, only to see them
    with a blizzerd from mcdonalds an hr later :ohwell:
  • DRJJ2004
    DRJJ2004 Posts: 186 Member
    You can't. Just be there when she's finally ready. You've made plenty of suggestions and tried to help. You can't do it for her. :O(
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,543 Member
    You can't...you've done all you can, but it looks like she's not in the right place mentally yet.
  • audram420
    audram420 Posts: 838 Member
    You can't. Just be there when she's finally ready. You've made plenty of suggestions and tried to help. You can't do it for her. :O(

    Yep!
  • sanura
    sanura Posts: 459 Member
    you know what? you have helped her! even confronting her to point of tears. she is asking for help and you are answering her. you can't do it for her, so let go of your attachment to the outcome. you never know how long it will take her to process your advice and act on it, in fact maybe she never will.
    stay positive, but you do not need to take responsibility for her.
  • streetnamejim
    streetnamejim Posts: 68
    You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

    Its nice of you to stand by if and when she wants to take a step off the porch you can cheer her on! :) Otherwise, don't take it personal...
  • richardw106
    richardw106 Posts: 11
    Agree with the two other comments...
    It it really isn't worth stressing yourself over it.
    She needs to take personal responsibility.
    As I am sure you well know, and as I can attest to... no change will happen until a person takes personal responsibility.

    I say she should hire a personal trainer at a local gym... for many people, it takes making a financial commitment to feel obligated to do the right thing....
  • mommyami1
    mommyami1 Posts: 154 Member
    Have you asked her what's stopping her from making a change? She might have some issues that are keeping her from making that decision. It's not your fault she cried. There are probably a lot of things that contributed to that. Kudos to you for trying to help her. It's probably time to let it go though. Be cordial and interested, but don't invest too much energy unless she shows she's doing the same.
  • CLynnette
    CLynnette Posts: 7
    You can't.
    You need to walk away and tell her when she is SERIOUS about getting help you will help her, but until then, you are tired of wasting your time.
  • MrsSmith2010
    MrsSmith2010 Posts: 225 Member
    Don't give up on her or you'll end up treating her like everyone else always treated you. Set up times to work out for YOU, and invite her to come alone. That way, if she doesn't show-it's not a total waste of time.

    Share secrets with her, recipes, ask if she wants to walk to get lunch, or walk DURING lunch. Just do things for you and incorporate her into them.

    In 6 months when all these little changes have started to make a difference in her, she'll realize it and be more open to doing them on PURPOSE. And you will have meant the world to her by then...
  • Jenna70
    Jenna70 Posts: 130 Member
    That is sad, but you really can't help a person who is not ready to take that first step, commit to the lifestyle changes and make the effort. Only when a person is ready can they be helped... unfortunately many people never get there.
  • lynnie30
    lynnie30 Posts: 105 Member
    You can't. But on a side note....damn I wish I worked with someone like you that could be motivation AND encouragement in person! You are awesome!
  • sonybalony
    sonybalony Posts: 335 Member
    Take a moment and let her know that when she IS ready, you are there, but in the meantime you need to focus on things that are happening NOW.

    When she is ready, she'll come see you.

    In the meantime, just be the excellent example you have already proven yourself to be.

    ~ Sonia
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    One thing you can learn that will set your mind at ease :)

    Bless and Release.

    You've done what you can and now it's time to bless and release... It's a thing of beauty.
  • MelissaL582
    MelissaL582 Posts: 1,422 Member
    Like the others said, you've done your part as a friend to help her out. When she's ready, just be there for her if you can. My sister and a few of my close friends are the same way. You can't make anyone do anything, they need to take that big step for themselves.
  • traceybarbour
    traceybarbour Posts: 226 Member
    Don't u dare feel bad about that, you spoke the truth. My hubby is a bodybuilder and goes through that on a daily basis.That is exactly why he said he can't be a trainer. U just keep doing what u are doing and when some one is ready u can always tell the difference. the not ordering take out everyday and then turning right around the next day with the same ol; questions..Take care
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Dude - I MUST know what you did to your knee????
  • lowridershank
    lowridershank Posts: 22 Member
    Don't give up on her. Sounds like she needs you. She probably has a self esteem issue. If she has failed at losing weight in the past she probably thinks she can't do it again. Keep telling her about MFP as it has changed many lives for the good.

    I think you have planted the seed, now keep watering it and watch it grow!
  • NotGoddess
    NotGoddess Posts: 1,198 Member
    I was that person. I didn't have someone like you to offer so much, but I did have a lot of people offering me advice when I asked for it. What did I do with it? Nothing. I'd wanted to but there was just so much going on in my life that I felt trying one more thing would break me. I'd put work in, have some small successes, but it just seems so little, such minor results for the effort and Real Life(tm) continued. It wasn't until my mind was finally in the right place that I was able to turn things around. Honestly, it's still a daily struggle. I'm sure that echoes the stories of many people here.

    My suggestion is that you let her know that you understand her desire, but much as you'd like to, you can't start the change. It's up to her. When she's ready, you'll be there, but until then you can't keep going like this because it causes you pain to want to help, but have your efforts go to waste.
  • kandrews24
    kandrews24 Posts: 610 Member
    I agree with everything that folks have said.

    But since you have to face her tomorrow and every day thereafter, you might mend things by saying something like "Hey, sorry about what I said yesterday, I know you'll do what is right for you when the time comes. Everyone is different."

    Then next time she says this or that or asks you for advice don't put any effort into your response -or- come up with a canned response like "oh, it is the same ole same old eat less, exercise more".

    You are obviously a nice person, but she can't be helped until she's ready, so let yourself off the hook.
  • shonasteele
    shonasteele Posts: 473
    Baby steps. Be there for her and offer suggestions of *small* changes she can make. I started out almost 5 months ago just deciding that I should eat more veggies. That's it. Then I made one more change, then one more and now I've lost 29 pounds and have taken up running which I NEVER thought I would or could do. She's gotta be ready to do it, but making small changes and therefore achieving small successes was the key for me and made me feel like I could take on another small challenge. Taking it on all at once always lead to failure in the past and that made me quit before I really even started.

    For example: Instead of suggesting an hour-long workout, suggest a walk around the block at lunch, just one block. Instead of replacing lunch with a salad, have her add a serving of veggies to whatever she would normally have. Just one baby step at a time can really add up.

    Even though it may not seem like she appreciates what you're doing because she's not responding to it, I've been there, and she does. And when she's ready to take those baby steps, you'll be her hero for standing by her.
  • Diamonds_R4_Ever
    Diamonds_R4_Ever Posts: 42
    I commend you for your efforts and patience with this coworker. Since you have already shared 6 months of knowledge I think the best thing to do at this point is to 'keep doing you" let her see your results. When see is truly tired of what she is seeing in the mirror and what she is feeling inside it is only then that she will commit to change. 

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  • kalcide
    kalcide Posts: 120 Member
    I agree with everything that folks have said.

    But since you have to face her tomorrow and every day thereafter, you might mend things by saying something like "Hey, sorry about what I said yesterday, I know you'll do what is right for you when the time comes. Everyone is different."

    Then next time she says this or that or asks you for advice don't put any effort into your response -or- come up with a canned response like "oh, it is the same ole same old eat less, exercise more".

    You are obviously a nice person, but she can't be helped until she's ready, so let yourself off the hook.

    Yes this is true you still have to see her. So I would say sorry and say that you are there for her.

    Also what you said about the door , (good quote) that may be what she needed to kick start her!!
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