Are my coworkers trying to sabotage me, or do they just have no manners?
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okbuddha
Posts: 22 Member
I'm trying to get out of this job because some coworkers make comments about their "lesbian relative," "the creepy not-Caucasian man who sat next to them" (but you wanted someone to sit next to you?) and other blatantly intolerant comments (usually from coworker H.) I've tried calling it out a few times (thankfully one time I was wrong--Coworker A is nice) but they don't seem to see anything wrong with what they're saying when I ask them about it.
Another thing I should say to set this up is that most of my coworkers have unhealthy BMIs. I got so sick of their "anti-diet" talk that I stopped using calorie tracking, and now I'm 192 pounds which is just a huge shock and unhappiness to me. It's the biggest I've ever been. Went through a crying jag last night over everything.
The first woman I had an issue with, my first day there, turned and glared at me and looked my body up and down and glared at me again. I just looked down at the ground because I was so blindsided and hurt by that. Later I learned to stare back at her whenever she stares. That coworker (I'll call her E) now plays fake-nice, but one day made a comment about a perfectly healthy woman on TV like "there's nothing to her, does she eat!?" I didn't know how to call that out, and another problem coworker (H) sitting next to someone on my team asked T, "Is [okbuddha] starving herself?" and T says "No, she's not" like that's a ridiculous idea. I was one table away and just so overwhelmed by all the bullcrap.
Most everyone in this office is 20-30 years older than me, so I'm guessing they grew up during the diet age. I don't feel like that excuses it because they're not all like that. One woman introduced herself to me in the break room, asked if I was just now taking lunch, and as I put the other half of my big platter lunch in the microwave I joked that "I was just waiting to have more room in my stomach" and we laughed. She seemed nice but later she was saying to (H) "I feel like she used to be anorexic" as she related our conversation and H said, "her hair does look kind of thin." Like thanks, but no, I just have thin hair, thanks for pointing it out. They're older and they seem to think I'm deaf.
There are a few nice ones, like C who hikes and eats healthy and is generally kind and confident. (Coincidence?) One day I took a pad out of my purse and put it in my pocket to change in the bathroom, and coworker H was watching. She said to C "At least she's still having her periods." C said to her "That seems a bit nosy" and H immediately backtracked saying "I'm just a bit concerned for her," etc etc. They'll make 'concerned' comments about Coworker A, too--she meal plans and does very well BMI-wise, and sometimes they'll say to each other "A. looks pretty close to anorexic now, she's lost a lot of weight." (She has, but she does not.)
I'll stop there, but the behavior is day-in and day-out. Yes, I should just ignore it and be confident in the face of it, but I feel like a failure when I say it's just so overwhelming that I try to hide my healthy eating. I was eating rice cakes yesterday and J said to S behind me "I wonder if she's starving herself, she acts so hungry and then she eats rice cakes." (I had headphones in but I listen to stuff normal volume and these women are not.)
I don't know if I should just start turning around every time I hear a comment like that and go "What?" It seems like giving in to the baiting, but I'm out of ideas. I was 174 when I started and this morning I weighed in at 192.
Another thing I should say to set this up is that most of my coworkers have unhealthy BMIs. I got so sick of their "anti-diet" talk that I stopped using calorie tracking, and now I'm 192 pounds which is just a huge shock and unhappiness to me. It's the biggest I've ever been. Went through a crying jag last night over everything.
The first woman I had an issue with, my first day there, turned and glared at me and looked my body up and down and glared at me again. I just looked down at the ground because I was so blindsided and hurt by that. Later I learned to stare back at her whenever she stares. That coworker (I'll call her E) now plays fake-nice, but one day made a comment about a perfectly healthy woman on TV like "there's nothing to her, does she eat!?" I didn't know how to call that out, and another problem coworker (H) sitting next to someone on my team asked T, "Is [okbuddha] starving herself?" and T says "No, she's not" like that's a ridiculous idea. I was one table away and just so overwhelmed by all the bullcrap.
Most everyone in this office is 20-30 years older than me, so I'm guessing they grew up during the diet age. I don't feel like that excuses it because they're not all like that. One woman introduced herself to me in the break room, asked if I was just now taking lunch, and as I put the other half of my big platter lunch in the microwave I joked that "I was just waiting to have more room in my stomach" and we laughed. She seemed nice but later she was saying to (H) "I feel like she used to be anorexic" as she related our conversation and H said, "her hair does look kind of thin." Like thanks, but no, I just have thin hair, thanks for pointing it out. They're older and they seem to think I'm deaf.
There are a few nice ones, like C who hikes and eats healthy and is generally kind and confident. (Coincidence?) One day I took a pad out of my purse and put it in my pocket to change in the bathroom, and coworker H was watching. She said to C "At least she's still having her periods." C said to her "That seems a bit nosy" and H immediately backtracked saying "I'm just a bit concerned for her," etc etc. They'll make 'concerned' comments about Coworker A, too--she meal plans and does very well BMI-wise, and sometimes they'll say to each other "A. looks pretty close to anorexic now, she's lost a lot of weight." (She has, but she does not.)
I'll stop there, but the behavior is day-in and day-out. Yes, I should just ignore it and be confident in the face of it, but I feel like a failure when I say it's just so overwhelming that I try to hide my healthy eating. I was eating rice cakes yesterday and J said to S behind me "I wonder if she's starving herself, she acts so hungry and then she eats rice cakes." (I had headphones in but I listen to stuff normal volume and these women are not.)
I don't know if I should just start turning around every time I hear a comment like that and go "What?" It seems like giving in to the baiting, but I'm out of ideas. I was 174 when I started and this morning I weighed in at 192.
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Replies
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Are headphones an option ?
Noise canceling headphones and a thumbs up account for over 50% of my office interractions.1 -
Do you like the job? They sound miserable in their own lives. Punishing yourself through overeating isn't going to change them. Either toughen up, learn to engage them in a different way, go to your manager about office gossip, and/or find a less toxic work environment. How I would react would depend on how much I wanted to keep the job.0
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Wow, i would have alot to say to alot of those people!
I think theyre just plain rude people.
IGNORE THEM. or have if out with them once and for all.
You hear them chatting about you. Shout out that you can hear them. They say anything about you, put them straight.
Dont worry about embarrassing them by calling them out! They should know better
And if some one looked me up and down id ask if they had a problem.
Youre workplace sounds awfully b!tchy.
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"theres nothing to her, does she eat?" Yes, its called a balanced diet.
is okbuddah starving herself " No, im not, you can just ask me you know..."
"is she anorexic?" Have you even seen an anorexic person?
"oh atleast shes still having periods" "are you Fing kidding me? Mind your own business you fat cow (yes that is what i would say)
These people do not sound like your friends, so dont treat them as such.0 -
You have to work with them. You don't have to like them, socialize with them, or even make small talk with them. It's not ideal, but I suspect the less reaction they get from you the sooner they'll tire of it and move on to something else to be miserable about.3
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You have to work with them. You don't have to like them, socialize with them, or even make small talk with them. It's not ideal, but I suspect the less reaction they get from you the sooner they'll tire of it and move on to something else to be miserable about.
I had an interview on Friday, so hopefully not for long.
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I remember years ago one of the dumber "team-building" exercises one of the managers in my office came up with was cramming as many people as possible inside a hula hoop and running through the office. So there I am sitting at my desk when, you guessed it, here comes a bunch of thin employees running by, laughing and whooping it up in this stupid thing while I sat there, obviously too fat to be asked to join or be included. It's things like that, that are so tone-deaf and so stupid, that wear you down. Your co-workers sound just smart enough to be dangerous. It's a hostile work environment. If your employer has an HR department, document everything, date and time, as best you can remember and go in there and lay it out chapter and verse and tell them you've had enough. NO co-worker has any business giving you filthy looks to try and intimidate you, commenting on your body, hair, clothes or what you eat for lunch. Comments about eating disorders are clearly inappropriate and they are most likely in violation of company policy. You can't change people like this. You can only demand your rights under the law and see to it that they're advised of them as well.1
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You have to work with them. You don't have to like them, socialize with them, or even make small talk with them. It's not ideal, but I suspect the less reaction they get from you the sooner they'll tire of it and move on to something else to be miserable about.
This and a call to HR for me.0 -
ultra_violets wrote: »NO co-worker has any business giving you filthy looks to try and intimidate you, commenting on your body, hair, clothes or what you eat for lunch. Comments about eating disorders are clearly inappropriate and they are most likely in violation of company policy. You can't change people like this. You can only demand your rights under the law and see to it that they're advised of them as well.
Funny thing is, I brought documentation of that glaring coworker to HR, saying I didn’t know how to handle it because I was so new, I barely knew people in the office so I didn’t want to have my first conversation with them be “Is E saying this about me?” Trying to seem like I’m trying to pull them into a drama fight. E looked me up and down, would make comments to C like “She looks so scared” to which C would reply “Well it seems a bit mean to say these kinds of things...” She’d say to D “She looks about 16!” And other comments event though D would respond “Hey now, that doesn’t seem right.”
I brought all of that to HR, and HR says “I don’t think it’s appropriate at this time to assume so much, so those are my thoughts on that.” I haven’t bothered documenting the rest since my first week when I tried to bring that forward.
And I also kick myself, like ‘Why are you so weak, why didn’t you say something to her?’ Especially when it’s in front of me. And afterwards I think of something I could have said, but it feels too late.
The first coworker I confronted turned out to be nice. I had to send her an email saying “Can we talk tomorrow?” So I couldn’t back out of it.
The next one who made a comment, it took me 15 minutes to work up the courage to say something to her about it, and when she didn’t deny it she also said she couldn’t see anything wrong with her comment. (She had made a joke about ‘my blond is showing through’ to another coworker when she made a simple mistake, I’m sitting right next to her as a blond, and when I ask her “Did you say that?” She goes “Yes, I was blond before I dyed it last week...that wasn’t directed at you, at all!” At that point I was at a loss and kind of gave up pushing the point any further.)
With the weight comments, my voice fails me and I end up hating myself a little. I used to be significantly overweight, and when girls made comments like that I would think ‘I’m going to shut them down so hard when I lose weight, it’ll be so satisfying.’ And here I am closer to healthy and it’s still hard. And I think, ‘Why am I so weak?’
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Sounds like a combination of kindergarten & a toxic workplace...0
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Honestly? If you're stuck there I would keep going to HR when things were said. You could also go to US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission if you're in the US (or some similar organization if you're not in the US), explain that you've brought the issue to HR and nothing was done/complaint was dismissed. I did a quick Google search, apparently companies really hate when EEOC gets involved in their workplace. Bottom line is you don't have to put up with this garbage and I wouldn't chastise yourself for perceived weakness or anything like that. People shouldn't be dicks.0
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I do not bother trying to reason with ignorant people.1
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In my opinion they are bullies. They are bullying you. They are feeding their egos off of your misery, it’s also a pack mentality thing. You can’t fix them and it’ll wear you down eventually no matter what coping strategies you use to get by with. Get out! I went through a very similar situation a few years ago and it was everyone’s word against mine, and they simply covered for each other saying they were “only joking”...my boss took their side, majority rules. Luckily I got an even better job since then and have been doing great. Save your sanity, just get out!0
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How we react depends on that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence and was alaways the matter of theater and movies. The different ends are success and failure. Try not to fail in your reactions. Talk to yourself in front of the mirror about what you really want. If you lie to yourself you will fail.
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monkeefan1974 wrote: »Save your sanity, just get out!
I find out Tuesday if I get a job I interviewed for, and luckily I have a support group of women who are in the field I want to go into, successful in their careers, kind, and confident (and in shape, what a "COINCIDENCE." Even the ones who aren't are not mean.) So I'm trying to keep my sanity that way and deal with my coworkers one at a time.
I took down a bully at my last job (got her fired for making inappropriate comments about me ("I think she's farting" "No, I think it's the chair moving," "I think she's losing hair" "No, I don't think she is..." "Look at her posture, maybe she has scoliosis!") And once I came forward, others came forward and backed me up and said how she had treated them, as well. So maybe I could do the universe a favor and at least teach a lesson at this job before I get out.
Then again I have an ongoing problem where I think I can control my environment--if I'm just assertive enough. (It's easier to change myself than others, right? And I don't like when I feel I'm not doing enough moral good in the world.) And assertiveness is an ongoing weak point I'm trying to strengthen, so those two combined are a problem for my mood...0
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