Life balance? Not enough time in the day.

Polydactylkat
Polydactylkat Posts: 32 Member
in Fitness and Exercise
I’m a little conflicted. I’m trying to lose weight and gain strength. It’s hard for me to eat so little that I lose without exercising. I’m working on that. But I also *REALLY* like going to the gym. It makes me feel good, improves my health, and improves my mood. Like, I’d be happy going to work, hitting the gym, coming home and relaxing and going to bed.
Thing is, during the week I have about an hour commute from work. Plus I get out of work later than my fiancé. (He gets out between 3-6pm with a 20-30 min commute; I get out between 5-6 pm) then, my gym routines usually come out to about 1 1/2 hrs average (strength plus cardio and stretching and you know, pausing to drink water). This means a lot to me, but he gets irritated that I get home so late when I hit the gym after work. I don’t want to stop going, I have a goal in mind and when my mind is set it’s set, but I don’t want to upset him constantly.

Anybody been in a similar situation? I’m not sure what to do.

I know - go to the gym in the morning. But that requires me getting up early enough for workout time, plus commute time, plus additional time to shower, get dressed and eat breakfast- which would mean stopping back home. It’s so awkward to shower and get dressed properly at the gym. And to eat breakfast ... I’d have to drink cold coffee on my way to work.

I’m also *really* not a morning person. And he knows that.

I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to slack on my goals, I want to hit the gym regularly to meet them, but I dont want to upset my fiancé constantly. Is he being unreasonable? Am I?

Help!
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Replies

  • MikePTY
    MikePTY Posts: 3,814 Member
    Could you try meeting in the middle? Do you think you would be able to cut your routine in half? Maybe cardio one day, strength the other? If you had an extra 45 minutes in a day together, would that make a meaningful difference enough to make it worth it?

    How many days a week do you exercise? Do you have the weekends off? How is your quality time then? If you guys made more of an effort then, would it help?

    I would hope he would be understanding of you trying to reach your fitness goals, but that doesn't mean that you wouldn't be able to look at ways to still meet them while taking his feelings into account.

    My wife and Is situation is somewhat different, since we work together, so we see each other all day, but it's not exactly quality time. I'm usually in the gym most nights after work until she's just about asleep, so we don't get much quality time during the weekdays. But she is still completely supportive of it, because she wants me to live a long and healthy life with her. And I on my side try to make the most of the time we do have together, so it doesn't feel like we are missing as much when I am at the gym.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    How many days per week do you go to the gym? That's my biggest question. While I understand wanting to spend time together but you don't have to spend every moment together.
  • Polydactylkat
    Polydactylkat Posts: 32 Member
    I generally go Tues/Wed nights - when he has class until “9” - but not really, he usually still beats me home by 8 pm-ish. I purposefully chose those nights as my long nights because I figured he’d be in class, but his 9pm classes aren’t like mine were in grad school - which were until actually 9pm.

    I also go Sat/Sun and try to go Fridays since we don’t have to get up as early the next day. He works Saturdays for now so he gets up early but not as early as weekdays.

    I’m trying a 4 day a week Upper/lower split program but like having an extra day to fill in where I feel like something might have been missed, or I just didn’t get the chance during the week (sometimes
    I have to work later and don’t get to hit the gym at all), and I also like to cook on the weekends so burning the extra calories on Fri/Sat/Sun is helpful to enjoy foods that are yummy and not worry so much about the calorie count.

    Granted, he could go on the weekends with me, but he’s not interested. And I usually end up going to the grocery store and running errands on sat and/or sun before and/or after the gym, depending on what needs to be done.
  • Polydactylkat
    Polydactylkat Posts: 32 Member
    Also, on our time off on the weekends, or even just after work on weekdays, he is fine with relaxing in bed, reading, watching TV, but I like to move around.
  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,968 Member
    Can you commute by bike?
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,615 Member
    Yes ... active commute + workout at lunch.

    And maybe discuss priorities with boyfriend.
  • noblsheep
    noblsheep Posts: 593 Member
    Machka9 wrote: »
    Yes ... active commute + workout at lunch.

    And maybe discuss priorities with boyfriend.

    This.

    Another thought is, would it be possible at all to do some of your workouts at home? A simple dumbbell/barbell setup isn't very expensive, and there's plenty you could do with just a few square feet of space.

    My girlfriend used to talk my ear off about my workouts and how it was eating into our quality time together. Then she got hooked on lifting... and now we spend quality time together in the gym. Or in the mountains. Or me foam rolling on the living room floor while she watches TV. You get the idea.
  • jnomadica
    jnomadica Posts: 280 Member
    Finding time is such a challenge! I feel you. I do not have the time to workout as much as I would like. Here’s what has been helpful for me:
    -I strength train only 3 times a week full body, with a metcon workout right after. These are what I consider my “real” workouts.
    -I stay out of the gym the other days, but stay active walking the dogs, hiking, bike riding, etc. I do this with my husband and son, and friends too, as much as possible, so it’s quality time plus cardio.
    -I recently invested in a home gym, which I’m slowly building up. This has been awesome!! I can easily run down and get a workout in much faster than driving to the gym.
    -Not possible for everyone, but we moved to reduce commute time. A 45 minute commute became 10 minutes, and my life really improved.
  • Polydactylkat
    Polydactylkat Posts: 32 Member
    My commute is 45 miles by highway, i wouldn’t be able to bike there unfortunately. It would also take me forever!

    We are essentially renting a room in a friend’s house right now while we prepare to get our own home, although it’s taking a lot longer than expected. So, my plan is a home gym when we get our own place but for now there’s literally no room for anything but our basics. The rest of our stuff is in storage. Hopefully when we find a place it will be a little closer to my office, or maybe I can transfer or maybe my bf will change jobs closer to where I work. But that’s all speculative right now.

    The full body workouts are tough because my gym days, due to schedule, are 2 sets of 2 in a row, that’s why I did the split. So if I’m sore from the day before I won’t be able to do another full body.

    But I’m not trying to shoot down all ideas. I think what I’ll try for now is:

    1. The weather is starting to get a little nicer, I will get my butt up a little early to at least get in some cardio in the mornings, since I can do that outside and don’t need the gym when it is nice. Hopefully by the time it gets cold and yucky out again, we will be closer to if not already in our own place.
    2. Get in walks on my lunch break when I can.
    3. Then use the gym for my weight sessions, since I can’t do that at home.
    4. Try my best to help him understand how important this is to me.

    Weekends he doesn’t get quite so upset and I’ve made it clear that he is more than welcome to join me at the gym, grocery store, park, etc. so part of that is on him. Honestly he should be moving more than he is but I’m not going to pressure him.

    Thanks for the ideas... if you know how to get a significant other to go to the gym or walk with you let me know ;)
  • garystrickland357
    garystrickland357 Posts: 598 Member
    Compromise and flexibility are always required in a relationship. When I log a lot of miles it sometimes becomes hard for me to achieve my fitness goals and have a balanced married/social life. I noticed you said you are *really* not a morning person - neither am I particularly. That said, I chose to get up really early twice a week to work out. I found that even though I didn't relish getting up that early - it made room for my wife and a life after work. That left just a couple of afternoons that I was out later for workouts. It made it easier for my wife to accept my late evenings when she saw I got up early so I could make time for us later in the day. (pro tip after 34 years of marriage) Fit a rest day into the week and it's all good. It seems on the weekends I can always manage alright.
  • MikePTY
    MikePTY Posts: 3,814 Member
    Polydactylkat wrote: »
    I generally go Tues/Wed nights - when he has class until “9” - but not really, he usually still beats me home by 8 pm-ish. I purposefully chose those nights as my long nights because I figured he’d be in class, but his 9pm classes aren’t like mine were in grad school - which were until actually 9pm.

    I also go Sat/Sun and try to go Fridays since we don’t have to get up as early the next day. He works Saturdays for now so he gets up early but not as early as weekdays.

    I’m trying a 4 day a week Upper/lower split program but like having an extra day to fill in where I feel like something might have been missed, or I just didn’t get the chance during the week (sometimes
    I have to work later and don’t get to hit the gym at all), and I also like to cook on the weekends so burning the extra calories on Fri/Sat/Sun is helpful to enjoy foods that are yummy and not worry so much about the calorie count.

    Granted, he could go on the weekends with me, but he’s not interested. And I usually end up going to the grocery store and running errands on sat and/or sun before and/or after the gym, depending on what needs to be done.

    Based on this schedule I'm not really seeing the issue with timing on the week days? Is his issue that you get home slightly later than him two nights a week? That seems kind of silly especially on nights he is also busy.
  • Polydactylkat
    Polydactylkat Posts: 32 Member


    Based on this schedule I'm not really seeing the issue with timing on the week days? Is his issue that you get home slightly later than him two nights a week? That seems kind of silly especially on nights he is also busy. [/quote]

    Sounds that way, but he doesn’t like that I get home later than him to begin with and so me going to the gym and getting home 9-9:30 really upsets him sometimes.

    But I do tend to get in an extra day somewhere in there too. So about 3x during the week.
  • emmies_123
    emmies_123 Posts: 513 Member
    I've seen some great suggestions here, so I will try not to repeat. Here are some other thoughts I didn't already see:

    -Do home workouts for cardio, using free youtube videos. You can get great cardio and core work at home without equipment, and it would earn you a little more time around each other.
    -Can you look for a job closer to your home, or see about flex hours to avoid rush, so you cut out some of the commute time? I have a similar commute scenario (he gets off work a few hours earlier and has half the commute i do)

    -Sit down and have an honest talk with him, trying to find compromise. Explain why you want to keep doing what you are doing, and how it makes you feel that he pushes back. Then let him have a turn and express how he feels, ask him what you would do together if you were home more. Pro advice on this is to use the tactic "(Name), I would like to talk about our differences on how to spend my free time. When would you like to talk about this?" Gives you both time to prepare, no one feels attacked or put on the spot, etc. Trick is to make sure you stick to that time of talking instead of pushing it off or rushing it (don't dance around subject until that time he says), and to put a pause button on if either of you starts getting too emotional to listen to the others views.

    I hope it works out and you can find a compromise.
  • BattyKnitter
    BattyKnitter Posts: 503 Member
    Would it help to schedule 1 night a week that is just for the 2 of you? If he knows it is on the schedule and that you are making time for it, it would probably make him feel better.

    My hubby is the one that gets home late, we do work out together but we still don't have that much quality time together during the week, hard to chat when you are concentrating on lifting heavy weights. What helps us is taking nice long walks on the weekend, walks are such fantastic quality time and aren't that demanding but great for your body. We also do "unplugged" nights, no electronics whatsoever to distract us, cells, tv, tablets, computer are all shut off and put away. We usually play a board game like scrabble or a card game during that time. Walks and unplugged nights have been fantastic for us to feel closer.
  • ExistingFish
    ExistingFish Posts: 1,259 Member
    It would bother me that this caused so much stress in your relationship. Throughout your lives, there will be times when either one of you is home earlier or later than each other. The here and now is just that. The fact that this is a big deal to him is a red flag to me.

    On the other hand, you guys are in a difficult place. Living in a room at a friends, he's still in school, it's stressful. So that would be an issue.

    If it were me, and that is only if it were me, I'd figure out a way to do something different. I personally found a 3-day full body workout program best to fit my busy life. I just could not afford 4 or 5 days in the gym. You need a program designed for a 3-day full body not just modifying a 4 day upper/lower. This will cover your full body in 3 days, and you will need to have a rest day between each, which will mean fewer days you are gone late.

    Also is there a closer gym, or would that not matter with your commute the way it is?
  • amgreenwell
    amgreenwell Posts: 1,267 Member
    When I was single, which you are b/c you have a boyfriend, not a husband or kids. I worked 8-5 then gym (which was close to my work) for an hour or more then home, shower, cook dinner and relax. Decide to eat dinner later and maybe have him make something, a side or have the meat cooking. I can't imagine that he wouldn't want you to reach your goals, whatever those are. If you aren't a "morning person" and can't make yourself get up and do the things you need to in the morning, then the compromise is going to come in the evening.
    Do what is right for you and going to help you reach a goal. A good partner will see that and support it.
  • tinkerbellang83
    tinkerbellang83 Posts: 9,129 Member
    amgreenwell wrote: »
    When I was single, which you are b/c you have a boyfriend, not a husband or kids. I worked 8-5 then gym (which was close to my work) for an hour or more then home, shower, cook dinner and relax. Decide to eat dinner later and maybe have him make something, a side or have the meat cooking. I can't imagine that he wouldn't want you to reach your goals, whatever those are. If you aren't a "morning person" and can't make yourself get up and do the things you need to in the morning, then the compromise is going to come in the evening.
    Do what is right for you and going to help you reach a goal. A good partner will see that and support it.

    Whilst I agree with the majority of your post, the bolded - say what? If you're living with someone and planning to buy a house together, you are not Single. Marriage is not necessary for a relationship to be a committed one.
  • debrakgoogins
    debrakgoogins Posts: 2,033 Member
    amgreenwell wrote: »
    When I was single, which you are b/c you have a boyfriend, not a husband or kids.

    I would have had a real problem with my husband while we were dating if he felt that he was single because we weren't married.
  • spiriteagle99
    spiriteagle99 Posts: 3,743 Member
    I agree with those that said there are bigger problems than just different schedules. Your fiance sounds awfully controlling. So what if you don't have the exactl same schedule? Can't he entertain himself for an hour or two? Can he cook dinner or buy it while you're busy? Trying to control all your free time, making you feel guilty for taking some me time to work out, is not a good start to a marriage. Having independent interests can be good for a relationship, as long as you also have some together time. The fact that you enjoy movement and he doesn't could also be an issue. I would not be happy married to a couch potato. Can you find activities on the weekend that you can do together? Hiking, biking, kayaking, dance, rock climbing, etc?
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    It's two evenings of you being out later. And it's not even that late, considering that he has class those evenings too. How is he going to handle it if you work different shifts or different days in the future? When I married my husband, he was in school going toward a career that would likely have involved 8a-5p office jobs. But then he switched to a career field that has him working 12 hour shifts, with days off during the week, and only every other weekend off. Was it something different to get used to? Yes. But we did it and we're great--married 21 years, one kid, and still spending plenty of time together. I'm not saying that you may not need to be more flexible (e.g., get up early for the gym sometimes or quit adding the extra midweek day) but the flexibility needs to be there on both sides.
  • jdhcm2006
    jdhcm2006 Posts: 2,254 Member
    What happens once he's done with school and his schedule changes? Is he going to expect you to rearrange everything on your end b/c things have changed for him? I think a conversation needs to happen concerning expectations b/c TO ME it seems like his expectations of when you get home are off base. You work until 6pm and then have to commute, so even without going to the gym you get home later than him due to work. Him having an issue with that is ridiculous TO ME.
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,463 Member
    tinkerbellang83 wrote: »
    amgreenwell wrote: »
    When I was single, which you are b/c you have a boyfriend, not a husband or kids. I worked 8-5 then gym (which was close to my work) for an hour or more then home, shower, cook dinner and relax. Decide to eat dinner later and maybe have him make something, a side or have the meat cooking. I can't imagine that he wouldn't want you to reach your goals, whatever those are. If you aren't a "morning person" and can't make yourself get up and do the things you need to in the morning, then the compromise is going to come in the evening.
    Do what is right for you and going to help you reach a goal. A good partner will see that and support it.

    Whilst I agree with the majority of your post, the bolded - say what? If you're living with someone and planning to buy a house together, you are not Single. Marriage is not necessary for a relationship to be a committed one.

    You are single if you are not married. You are married if you have a marriage license. This is a legal status in most places. The legal status does not dictate the level of love or mutual commitment.
  • HSmom47
    HSmom47 Posts: 8 Member
    In the early years of our dating, my husband and I wanted to spend as much time as we could together. Maybe he just wants to see you as much as possible. You’re obviously pleasant to be around. Truly, a walk together outside could count as one of your workouts. I still don’t like to be gone from home too many nights a week because I miss my husband and kids (and am missed). And this is after 30 years of marriage. I’d rather eat less than exercise more.
  • MelanieCN77
    MelanieCN77 Posts: 4,047 Member
    HSmom47 wrote: »
    In the early years of our dating, my husband and I wanted to spend as much time as we could together. Maybe he just wants to see you as much as possible. You’re obviously pleasant to be around. Truly, a walk together outside could count as one of your workouts. I still don’t like to be gone from home too many nights a week because I miss my husband and kids (and am missed). And this is after 30 years of marriage. I’d rather eat less than exercise more.

    -Then maybe he can adjust some of his schedule to achieve his desires.
    -Just because it comes from a "nice" place doesn't mean one has to bend to the pressure.
    -Truly, a walk isn't going to do much of anything as purposeful exercise for many people.
    -OP isn't pushing for a ridiculous schedule. Time apart is as healthy as time together.
  • MikePTY
    MikePTY Posts: 3,814 Member
    Polydactylkat wrote: »
    We actually had a talk last night and it was helpful. I think he thought I was going to the gym because I felt like I needed to be “skinny” to be beautiful. I did get really down on my body a while ago, but I explained to him that I go not because I don’t like myself but because I DO like myself and I just want to be strong and fit, and I genuinely enjoy it. That seemed to make a bit of a difference. I also just stressed to him that I can’t help that my work hours are later than his (therefore my gym time is later) plus my commute, but that I don’t plan on it being like this forever. I’d like to work closer to home but
    I am only about 2 years into a career in a brand new field so I don’t have a lot of leverage. And I made sure he knew that when I am away from home, it’s not because I want to be away from him, it’s just that I can’t do these things at home.

    It was a good talk. I was initially kind of angry, but I don’t think he meant to be holding me back, he just didn’t understand and he also had some things on his mind that he had been holding in which ended up coming out at me recently when he was upset.

    Still need to find a balance, but he will benefit from a happier fitter me as well. So, gonna get my butt up in the AM, save Fridays for he and I to be together and he will be more understanding.

    My point about how having our own place will make a difference (lots more things to do at home when it’s MY home) was emphasized when in the middle of our heartfelt conversation our roommate came in with his goofy self and bags of candy. We paused the convo until after dinner.

    Soooo ... I think we’ll be okay.

    Glad you guys had a talk and worked through it. A lot of times these type of things just come down to miscommunication. It is good that you seem to be on a better page now with it.
  • h7463
    h7463 Posts: 626 Member
    Yeah...the 'time' problem sounds very familiar to me...and then there were the gym membership fees and the gas money...
    I fixed that: I started buying dumbbells, bars, weight plates, recently added a bench... => home gym.
    I'm still happily lifting, and I have not heard a reasonable complait from him since... :D

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