When food comes between a marriage

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  • muffindowd
    muffindowd Posts: 55
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    That's so tough. I started eating healthier and exercising 6x a week about four months ago. My husband is a chef and didn't start right away, but he did start changing his diet a bit. He kind of had to because we eat dinner together every night. Does your husband get a separate dinner than you? Maybe you can try compromising a bit on food...making dishes that sound yummy to him but with healthier ingredients. Like maybe he would really like a homemade black bean veggie burger and sweet potato fries more than he would even enjoy McDonalds. He won't know until he tries it. Eventually my husband has gotten more on board with me, but it was on his own. I never forced him to exercise because I know that if he was the one trying to get me to exercise at the start of this process it would have made me resent him. You want it to be of their own volition, you know? It won't work any other way...you just have to want to make those changes for yourself, not for anyone else, even your spouse!!
  • sarahsmart88
    sarahsmart88 Posts: 84
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    Thank you, I think that is some of the best advice I've heard. I'm not trying to force change, and I don't want to be that nagging wife. I just needed to hear that change is possible, I suppose. I need to be patient. Thanks for the support.
  • sonybalony
    sonybalony Posts: 335 Member
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    After 19 years of marriage, the only advice I can give is this... :flowerforyou:

    If the McDonald's breath really bothers you:sick: , let him know kisses/etc are an after brushing/flossing/mouth washing occurrence... (Guys generally like smooches:smooched: , so he will likely do this if you say... repeatedly... "I would love to kiss you babe:love: , but could you freshen up first, it kinda turns me off:brokenheart: " (guys do NOT like to know that something they are doing could infringe on their smooches!!):laugh: :wink:

    The decision to eat healthier IS his... this does NOT mean you don't have some influence.... If it is YUMMY, they will eat it... Don't try to "make" him a vegan... he's not made that choice... but you can offer him lovely healthy additions to his sweet-eating/carnivore lifestyle... After TIME (not like a month... like a year or so) seeing your healthy wonderful attitude and lifestyle, he will consider change... (he may have already accepted some of the changes by then, as long as you offer them with love:heart: (and sneakiness!):wink: )

    You can't change people, but your positive attitude, living a happy life yourself:happy: , and remembering you love:heart: him when he drives you crazy:explode: , will go a long way towards a happy life TOGETHER!!!

    Good Luck!

    With Friendship and Warmth from Missouri!

    ~ Sonia
  • sarahsmart88
    sarahsmart88 Posts: 84
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    Oh, and for what it's worth (and this may convince him) - EVERYTHING is better now that we do all this eating, preparing menus, excersizing together. And by EVERYTHING I mean 'EVERYTHING" is better ;) !

    HAHA I will tell him that!! Thank you for the support !
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    So I have been on the path to clean eating for a while now, and have completely changed my lifestyle. I quit smoking, stopped eating junk, started exercising, and have lost about 50 pounds. The problem is, as I become healthier, my husband stays unhealthy. He did quit smoking with me, but he constantly eats candy and fatty fast food.

    It's gotten to the point where watching him eat grosses me out and it's really a turn off. McDonalds breath is never attractive in my opinion. And we've talked and he has no intention of being healthier cause in his mind he is enjoying his food and therefore enjoying his life. But how do I convince him that he will live a longer, happier life if he is healthier?

    This is especially hard since I have decided to become vegan. I just barely started, but I know I no longer want to eat meat. I don't want food to tear up my marriage, but I'm starting to see that it already is =/

    Any advice?

    Leave.Him.Alone.
  • rubyalvarado
    rubyalvarado Posts: 2
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    I know what you're going through although I have to admit I just got serious about MFP. My husband and I had a talk about fast food and junk and we both gave it up. I was the one that had a hard time of letting go of it but I also thought my health was way more important than a processed cheesburger. My kids don't want it anymore either :) I hope your marriage isn't all about what you eat...you should keep eating healthy for yourself though. He'll follow soon. Good luck! and great job:smile:
  • sarahsmart88
    sarahsmart88 Posts: 84
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    he's a marine he can eat what he damn well pleases

    That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I understand getting home from war and craving something unhealthy, but making a lifestyle of unhealthy choices just because you serve your country is no excuse.
  • Homer3D
    Homer3D Posts: 318
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    I think you need to come to a realization that you are not in the “right” here. You have made a life choice and changed some of your ways. That’s great for you and commend you on making a choice that is right for you. However, you have no right to make, force or expect changes on any other person. You can advise why those changes were right for you and allow him to make his own decision bases on what he believes is right for him. When you married him you knew he was a smoker/fast food eater, etc and you accepted him for who he was. One can even argue that it is you that is no longer the same person he originally married. Food for thought (pun intended).
  • H_Factor
    H_Factor Posts: 1,722 Member
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    There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.

    I completely agree. You married him for who he is, not what he eats. Remember we all have to make up our minds for ourselves. He will not stop eating junk food FOR YOU. When he decides, it will be for himself. Just as you have for yourself. Nagging him to be healthier because you decided to finally get on the band wagon isnt' going to help your marriage.

    I agree with some of the foregoing...but I think that if we aren't trying to improve ourselves then we are taking our spouse for granted. We are asking our spouse to love us IN SPITE of ourself...and I think that becomes unfair at some point. Sure, we marry someone for who he/she is...not for what they eat...but its easy to get married and start taking things for granted, including your health. I can tell you from personal experience that I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON WHEN I AM overweight, lethargic and lack energy....that is NOT the person my wife married and it was UNFAIR to HER that I let myself go as much as I did. Now that I'm basically at the same weight as when we met, I have loads more energy and am back to being the person she fell in love with. We are both much happier now.

    Now, I'm not suggesting we have any obligation to become a fitness model or do extreme stuff. but, lots of folks let themselves go after marriage...and some do so to a point where they change.
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    It sounds like youre trying to parent your husband.

    If he enjoys the way hes eating, then leave him to it. You cant realistically expect someone to change to a clean vegan diet because you want them to. That sort of things got to come from himself
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.

    I completely agree. You married him for who he is, not what he eats. Remember we all have to make up our minds for ourselves. He will not stop eating junk food FOR YOU. When he decides, it will be for himself. Just as you have for yourself. Nagging him to be healthier because you decided to finally get on the band wagon isnt' going to help your marriage.

    I agree with some of the foregoing...but I think that if we aren't trying to improve ourselves then we are taking our spouse for granted. We are asking our spouse to love us IN SPITE of ourself...and I think that becomes unfair at some point. Sure, we marry someone for who he/she is...not for what they eat...but its easy to get married and start taking things for granted, including your health. I can tell you from personal experience that I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON WHEN I AM overweight, lethargic and lack energy....that is NOT the person my wife married and it was UNFAIR to HER that I let myself go as much as I did. Now that I'm basically at the same weight as when we met, I have loads more energy and am back to being the person she fell in love with. We are both much happier now.

    Now, I'm not suggesting we have any obligation to become a fitness model or do extreme stuff. but, lots of folks let themselves go after marriage...and some do so to a point where they change.

    It sounds like the OP is the one who changed and her husband is just doing what he's always done.

    I'm vegetarian. I have not demanded my boyfriend become one, too. That's HIS business. He smokes. I hate cigarrettes. But he smoked when I met him and he smoked when he moved in with me. I would support his desire and efforts to quit, but nagging him about it isn't going to make it happen. It might make ME go crazy because I want him to do something he doesn't want to (or can't) do.

    I think the OP would have better results banging her head against a wall than trying to nag her husband to become a brand new person just because she did.

    He doesn't want to. Pushing him is only going to make him angry and might just break up the marriage. Leave him alone.

    Cook what you want for yourself and offer it to him. Ask him if he wants to join you in a workout. Whatever. But don't demand he do any of it and accept it if he says no.

    Or get divorced. Who wants to live with someone like that? Seriously!
  • sarahsmart88
    sarahsmart88 Posts: 84
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    OK people, I am realizing that I am being naggy and I just apologized to him. Though I do think it's not just me, but that we both need to make some adjustments and compromises. Thank you for the support to those who are being supportive.
  • kerriknox
    kerriknox Posts: 276 Member
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    There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.

    I completely agree. You married him for who he is, not what he eats. Remember we all have to make up our minds for ourselves. He will not stop eating junk food FOR YOU. When he decides, it will be for himself. Just as you have for yourself. Nagging him to be healthier because you decided to finally get on the band wagon isnt' going to help your marriage.

    I agree with some of the foregoing...but I think that if we aren't trying to improve ourselves then we are taking our spouse for granted. We are asking our spouse to love us IN SPITE of ourself...and I think that becomes unfair at some point. Sure, we marry someone for who he/she is...not for what they eat...but its easy to get married and start taking things for granted, including your health. I can tell you from personal experience that I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON WHEN I AM overweight, lethargic and lack energy....that is NOT the person my wife married and it was UNFAIR to HER that I let myself go as much as I did. Now that I'm basically at the same weight as when we met, I have loads more energy and am back to being the person she fell in love with. We are both much happier now.

    Now, I'm not suggesting we have any obligation to become a fitness model or do extreme stuff. but, lots of folks let themselves go after marriage...and some do so to a point where they change.

    ^^^ This. You can't force a change on your husband but you can hope that he remains the man you married, and ask for a change when / if he doesn't.
  • Thankilates
    Thankilates Posts: 432 Member
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    Awwww, we are here for you! :) My bestfriend is Iowa is going through the same thing and has been for years! She's a Vegetarian and pretty much transitioning Vegan now and she quit smoking, drinking, eating sugar, animal products etc, and her husband sits outside SMOKING MEAT and brewing beer! The smell is awful! LOL

    She found it was driving them apart and really, all she could do was vent, get support and be reminded of all the reasons she married him... HOWEVER, in her case her husband told her "you were a lot more fun when you ate meat, PUH-LEASE eat meat again." I think this needs to be addressed (which she did). It's one thing to eat differently, but another to put somebody down (especially your spouse) for the HEALTHY choices they make, or any choices for that matter!

    I would say, be calm. Be stealthy and healthy and keep working towards you goal and ask for his support. Perhaps it won't be as extreme as my husband not eating meat in the house, but you can ask that he doesn't eat it in front of you? Or explain it's a turnoff, and you wish it wasn't, but it is? Explain your feelings.

    Food is so hard. If somebody is killing themselves with alcohol/drugs/cigs/reckless driving, we SAY something. However, if it's about food/obesity, it's a taboo! NO WAY!

    You are in a marriage and deserve to have your feelings heard. Granted, you can't expect him to see right away, after all we were once blinded too and not awake to our new found selves. Give him time, with slight FRIENDLY force! LOL Perhaps tell him how important it is for him to understand where you are coming from. Not just because you don't eat meat, but bceause you are starting to feel disconnected. Have him read Eating Animals, or better yet, read it TOGETHER a chapter a night, before bed or something. ALSO, watch EARTHLINGS together. It's on youtube for FREE!

    Also please go to itunes and search through the podcasts: VEGETARIAN FOOD FOR THOUGHT by Colleen Patrick GOudreau. She has gotten me through many times in which you explaining when I was starting out! I still listen to her today, she is amazing, inspirational and truly compassionate. She has helped me understand why OTHERS don't get it and how to be calm so that they might one day.

    HERE"S HOPE: I always knew my husband would go Vegetarian. I DID ! I never pushed. He came to it on his own terms and told me one day, "I'm not eating meat. I just can't anymore!"

    GOod luck, it will be get easier! :)
  • Thankilates
    Thankilates Posts: 432 Member
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    Oh and keep in mind, all marriages have "points to focus on." At the end of the day, this is just an opportunity to grow and change for both of you! :) So it's a goo thing! Even though, it's a frustrating thing! I believe open communication about this is key, bceause if not, now you are not sharing things either and it just goes down and down...
  • Homer3D
    Homer3D Posts: 318
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    .... Though I do think it's not just me, but that we both need to make some adjustments and compromises....

    Not that I am calling you a bad person for changing, but it is YOU that change. Just you.

    Question: Does your husband accept you and your new lifestyle?

    If the answer is yes, then he did make a compromise on his end and accepts you for the new person you are.
    Shouldn't you provide the same compromise and accept him for the person he still is?
  • starracer23
    starracer23 Posts: 1,011 Member
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    So, let me get this straight...You love this man, correct?
    He chooses to not eat all that well, correct?
    This (being FOOD) could cause your marriage to break up??

    I find that to be shallow and quite drama queen-ish.
    YOU can eat what you please. Prepare your meals YOUR way.

    He can eat what he likes...whether it's healthy or not.

    When you got married, you said for better or worse....no where was it stated that once YOU changed you, he HAD to change him.
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
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    Honestly, I just ignore it. I eat very little meat (mere ounces a week) and my husband is an avowed carnivore. I eat under 1000 calories per day, and as a powerlifter, he eats in excess of 6000. We are complete opposites in terms of food. My diet grosses him out, and the reverse is true as well. I don't sweat it. We are compatible in other areas.
  • bry_all01
    bry_all01 Posts: 3,100 Member
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    he will change IF he wants to change, if not, well that's something he has to live with. Upon my decision to compete, I didn't expect my husband to change his eating habits with me, nor did I ask him to. He did, but because it was what he wanted.
  • mattcoop
    mattcoop Posts: 30 Member
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    I am really enjoying the topic you brought up here and I am in the same boat as you..... my wife eats junk and wont change... I'll just have to have patience like you and find a way to entice her... without the nagging..... regarding the no-name dude that says your husban is a marine and he can do anything he pleases.... forgot one major thing.... real marines are disciplined, healthy and ready for action.....and love their spouse as much as they love their country. Simply have patience and be a good healthy example (I'm telling this to myself too...)... if you ever fall off the wagon, don't let him or your failing discourage you.... jump right back on that healthy wagon.

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