Advice for helping a 19 year old female
BuiltLikeAPeep
Posts: 94 Member
TL:DR at the end. I already know that you can't make anyone do something they're not ready for- I went through the same thing when I was a teenager and my mother was trying to motivate me.
Ok, here's where I need the advice- my daughter is 19 years old, 5'10 and 360 lbs. She has anxiety and depression, and I believe she has undiagnosed BED (i don't think she wasn't entirely truthful about her eating habits with her therapist). She started her first job last October, and recently, she and a coworker joined the YMCA and goes anywhere from 5-7 days a week. Sometimes they workout on the machines, sometimes they use the gym and play basketball. This is a complete turnaround from the last few years- she slept all the time (she was on meds for anxiety and depression) or she just sat around doing nothing.
We have taken her to therapists, endocrinologists, and even had her in a program that teaches children and their families how to cook and eat healthier, so it's not as if we sat around and did nothing and just let her gain and gain and gain.
Now that she has a job and her own money, all she buys is junk food. Occasionally, she'll get on a health kick, and stock up on fruits and veggies and overall healthier foods, but it never lasts long. She is very sensitive and I'm afraid if I push too hard, she'll give up completely. Like most kids, she believes i don't understand her struggles, even though she knows I have been obese my entire life.
TL:DR 19 year old daughter with health problems works out at the gym then buys junk food and derails herself.
Ok, here's where I need the advice- my daughter is 19 years old, 5'10 and 360 lbs. She has anxiety and depression, and I believe she has undiagnosed BED (i don't think she wasn't entirely truthful about her eating habits with her therapist). She started her first job last October, and recently, she and a coworker joined the YMCA and goes anywhere from 5-7 days a week. Sometimes they workout on the machines, sometimes they use the gym and play basketball. This is a complete turnaround from the last few years- she slept all the time (she was on meds for anxiety and depression) or she just sat around doing nothing.
We have taken her to therapists, endocrinologists, and even had her in a program that teaches children and their families how to cook and eat healthier, so it's not as if we sat around and did nothing and just let her gain and gain and gain.
Now that she has a job and her own money, all she buys is junk food. Occasionally, she'll get on a health kick, and stock up on fruits and veggies and overall healthier foods, but it never lasts long. She is very sensitive and I'm afraid if I push too hard, she'll give up completely. Like most kids, she believes i don't understand her struggles, even though she knows I have been obese my entire life.
TL:DR 19 year old daughter with health problems works out at the gym then buys junk food and derails herself.
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Replies
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She's going to have to make the decision herself, especially now that she's an adult. All you can really do is model good eating habits and provide positive encouragement when she makes good choices. If she is sensitive like I am, she knows when she makes bad choices and doesn't need your input on it.13
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My mom was always trying to push the "you need to lose weigh" conversation on me and tricking me into moving more. For years, it didn't work because the decision wasn't coming from myself.
Unfortunately I don't think you can do anything other encourage her towards her new found sports interest. I guess this is a first step to a healthier path2 -
RelCanonical wrote: »She's going to have to make the decision herself, especially now that she's an adult. All you can really do is model good eating habits and provide positive encouragement when she makes good choices. If she is sensitive like I am, she knows when she makes bad choices and doesn't need your input on it.
Thank you. I know shes an adult, and I do see that she regrets when she makes poor food. It's just hard as a parent to see your child hurting. Like I said, i have been obese all my life and i know what she is going through.2 -
That's tough. My daughter was beginning to pick up some weight at about 13 yrs old. We went to the dr for her well child check up and she was upset by the number on the scale. We started talking about good portion sizes and calories. Since I am the primary cook it was easier for me to control the amount of food I was making and she began to lose weight in a controlled manner. She also gets a kick out of helping me plan the meals for the week and helping me meal prep on weekends. We have also been practicing determining if she is hungry or bored (honestly, I'm practicing this too). Eat the meal or snack and if you are still hungry, wait 20 minutes. If you are still hungry after 20 minutes passes, I offer an apple or green beans (both of which she likes) and if she is really hungry she will eat that...if she is bored that won't be appealing to her.
Unfortunately, she is not going to change her habits if she is not ready to change. For myself, I just don't buy the things that I can't control myself with and I make sure I have grab and go snacks ready for when I'm too lazy to cook. Does she live with you? Maybe you can try to prep fruit or snacks she likes and she will be more likely to eat that first?2 -
BuiltLikeAPeep wrote: »RelCanonical wrote: »She's going to have to make the decision herself, especially now that she's an adult. All you can really do is model good eating habits and provide positive encouragement when she makes good choices. If she is sensitive like I am, she knows when she makes bad choices and doesn't need your input on it.
Thank you. I know shes an adult, and I do see that she regrets when she makes poor food. It's just hard as a parent to see your child hurting. Like I said, i have been obese all my life and i know what she is going through.
I completely understand. It's really hard to see someone struggle and not be able to help.1 -
I'm so sorry to hear about this struggle you're both going through. Me and my mum went through a similar struggle when I was aged 16-18 (before moving out). 10 years later and I've moved back home and the roles have now actually reversed.
It really annoyed me seeing her eat unhealthy large portions of food. Often she thought they were healthy but were full of carbohydrates and salt. I started to nag her about it, as I'm bitter because these food habits were what caused me to be overweight as a child.
At first, she got annoyed at my nagging, but then she started to see the positive changes in my life and she has started to follow example and has lost 2 stone this year.
Anyway, for me to get to the point, I think it is really important for you to lead by example rather than nagging as she is an adult and knows if she eats junk food, it will make her fat. Likewise, don't praise her for eating well, as it will make her feel like you are babying her.
Ensure all of your own meals are healthy and balanced and small portion sizes and try to do outdoor activities together.5 -
You’re right that you can’t make someone do something they aren’t ready to do, but it may be possible to make better choices easier for her. I wonder if a food delivery service could help? Fast food is just so much easier for a young person who doesn’t really enjoy cooking. You could ask her if that’s something that sounds like it would be helpful to her.
If I could go back and tell my younger self something about losing weight, it would be, “Don’t wait until after you have diabetes, an incurable disease, and loose skin that can’t snap back because you’re middle aged and your skin has lost that ability.”
The other thing I would tell myself is to believe that it can be done. So many people try and fail to lose significant weight, or they lose it and fail to keep it off. The news right now is full of articles stating that it’s basically impossible to lose weight. That’s not true. I’m down 125 lbs, from morbidly obese to normal BMI, and maintaining normal BMI for over a year now. It can be done. For me it’s going to take logging and being responsible for the rest of my life. But living life as a healthy sized person is worth it.7 -
As a mother of 3 grown sons, and godmother of an obese girl (I never felt it was my place to say anything, and every time I visited home she was bigger, and bigger, and bigger........). I'd first and foremost not say anything now, but I'd sure get myself in shape and show her how to do it--be an example. Tell her you don't want to carry the weight into old age with all it's consequences. I'd not say a word about what she eats. Read the thread about the guy on MFP that got a fantastic body eating junk food. She will decide herself, it's just important that she's exercising and finally moving. She has to take it a step at a time, and you need to do you. Good luck Mom--it won't be easy.1
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BuiltLikeAPeep wrote: »RelCanonical wrote: »She's going to have to make the decision herself, especially now that she's an adult. All you can really do is model good eating habits and provide positive encouragement when she makes good choices. If she is sensitive like I am, she knows when she makes bad choices and doesn't need your input on it.
Thank you. I know shes an adult, and I do see that she regrets when she makes poor food. It's just hard as a parent to see your child hurting. Like I said, i have been obese all my life and i know what she is going through.
So if and when she asks for help, you'll be right there to help her.5 -
Yall are awesome! SHE is actually the one who motivated me! I felt really bad because I'm the mom and she should have been motivated by me, but I have also been a working mom all these years and (probably because of my weight) I would always come home wiped out and I just didn't feel like cooking. So, meals were always the quickest, not necessarily the healthiest.
And before I catch crap for fixing frozen dinners, buying fast food, etc, she was a normal weight for her build (she was always the tallest kid for her age, and what I call "solid" meaning she had a lot of muscle mass, so she had a higher BMI, but not really overweight) the problem didnt start until my mother died when she was in 7th grade. Between May of 2013, and July of 2014, she gained about 100 lbs. That was the first time any weight problem reared its ugly head.2 -
If she has undiagnosed BED then a big part of the problem may be that she doesn't realise that the urgent/painful starving sensations are binge cravings, and work entirely differently from physical hunger sensations. Nobody ever explains that cravings can feel not only just like hunger, but actually worse than hunger.
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I am a mom and I am also a teacher, and I think that I can understand the strong desire that you feel to aid in a young woman's journey when you see her suffering. Hugs to you!
However much you want to take control of her life, you need to let her learn how to live her own life. She may choose not to be healthy, and that is for her to decide and not you, as difficult as that surely is.
Like others have written, she knows that you are there for her if she wants your advice or help -- but until then, you need to let people live their own journeys, even if their path doesn't appeal to you. It's very hard. But take that energy and put it toward yourself instead!
Good luck!
Jenn1 -
BuiltLikeAPeep wrote: »Yall are awesome! SHE is actually the one who motivated me! I felt really bad because I'm the mom and she should have been motivated by me, but I have also been a working mom all these years and (probably because of my weight) I would always come home wiped out and I just didn't feel like cooking. So, meals were always the quickest, not necessarily the healthiest.
And before I catch crap for fixing frozen dinners, buying fast food, etc, she was a normal weight for her build (she was always the tallest kid for her age, and what I call "solid" meaning she had a lot of muscle mass, so she had a higher BMI, but not really overweight) the problem didnt start until my mother died when she was in 7th grade. Between May of 2013, and July of 2014, she gained about 100 lbs. That was the first time any weight problem reared its ugly head.
Has she been to therapy to help with the grief? For me, I had an underlying anxiety that there was no point to trying to lose weight because my parents are getting old and I would go completely downhill when I lost them. It is still difficult but I am working on it. She might have something underlying that is nagging at her and not allowing her to move on, and is coping by eating.2 -
rheddmobile wrote: »You’re right that you can’t make someone do something they aren’t ready to do, but it may be possible to make better choices easier for her. I wonder if a food delivery service could help? Fast food is just so much easier for a young person who doesn’t really enjoy cooking. You could ask her if that’s something that sounds like it would be helpful to her.
If I could go back and tell my younger self something about losing weight, it would be, “Don’t wait until after you have diabetes, an incurable disease, and loose skin that can’t snap back because you’re middle aged and your skin has lost that ability.”
The other thing I would tell myself is to believe that it can be done. So many people try and fail to lose significant weight, or they lose it and fail to keep it off. The news right now is full of articles stating that it’s basically impossible to lose weight. That’s not true. I’m down 125 lbs, from morbidly obese to normal BMI, and maintaining normal BMI for over a year now. It can be done. For me it’s going to take logging and being responsible for the rest of my life. But living life as a healthy sized person is worth it.
I know what you mean. All these years, I've been justifying my size by saying "I can't be that bad off if all my health markers are in normal range" but last year I had to go to the er for my gallbladder and my fasting glucose level was high. That was when I made a serious commitment (that lasted about a month) but when she joined the Y, I thought "what am I doing? I'm supposed to be HER role model". I have made some serious changes in the past month or so. I just want her to have the same (slow lol) success I'm having.3 -
RelCanonical wrote: »BuiltLikeAPeep wrote: »Yall are awesome! SHE is actually the one who motivated me! I felt really bad because I'm the mom and she should have been motivated by me, but I have also been a working mom all these years and (probably because of my weight) I would always come home wiped out and I just didn't feel like cooking. So, meals were always the quickest, not necessarily the healthiest.
And before I catch crap for fixing frozen dinners, buying fast food, etc, she was a normal weight for her build (she was always the tallest kid for her age, and what I call "solid" meaning she had a lot of muscle mass, so she had a higher BMI, but not really overweight) the problem didnt start until my mother died when she was in 7th grade. Between May of 2013, and July of 2014, she gained about 100 lbs. That was the first time any weight problem reared its ugly head.
Has she been to therapy to help with the grief? For me, I had an underlying anxiety that there was no point to trying to lose weight because my parents are getting old and I would go completely downhill when I lost them. It is still difficult but I am working on it. She might have something underlying that is nagging at her and not allowing her to move on, and is coping by eating.
She's not currently in therapy- she did have a counselor in middle school who was also a former grief counselor, and I kept in touch with her to make sure my daughter had the appropriate therapy. After she went to high school, she started therapy with a counselor and a doctor for her grief, anxiety and depression. Now that she's grown (aged out of the pediatric behavioral health center she was going to), she refuses to restart therapy (again, something I encourage but don't try to force on her) because she believes it didn't work. I just miss the "old" her- she was happy and smiling all the time, but now I can tell it is forced and fake (again, something I have been dealing with my entire life)0 -
Sorry yall. I'm starting to make this thread sound like a "Dear Abby" column lol1
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BuiltLikeAPeep wrote: »Sorry yall. I'm starting to make this thread sound like a "Dear Abby" column lol
Weight loss is a huge mental game, so we talk about it a lot, so no worries!
That's tough that she won't go. It's another thing that you just can't force people into, as it only works if they want it to work.1 -
Be the change you wish to see in the world. Cliche but it is the mosteverything else in your life. It's contagious. Set personal goals and meet them. Have the mindset that "not that bad" isn't good enough, that you have value and deserve the best of health and happiness.significant advice when it comes to making a difference to anyone or anything. Get therapy for the reasons you have been obese your whole life. Learn to find balance with your own eating habits. Find a hobby that marries activity with something that provides you a sense of joy and accomplishment. That feeling of happiness will carry over into8
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So, she's stepped out into her adult life and has already made a positive change (going to the YMCA), and she repeatedly makes efforts to eat more nutritious food. Change is hard. Sometimes you have to try many times before something sticks. My advice would be to respect her efforts and not put your oar in unasked. If she seeks your help or encouragement, or just needs to vent sometimes, be there for her. And if you can model good behavior, to show her that it is possible to go from being obese to not being obese, that would be great. But modeling doesn't mean offering unrequested advice.
Honestly, if there was something about my life that I was unhappy with, and I was starting to do things to try to change it, even if I wasn't able to stick with it 100% of the time, I would not find it helpful for someone to start giving me advice, as though my small successes weren't enough. It might even start me questioning whether there was any point to my small successes. I mean, if I can't fix it all completely right away, why try? If even someone who loves me and who was/has been in the same boat as I am for decades, thinks my efforts so far are just crap, what's the point?
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I was not sure if I am understanding correctly, but is she making her own money but also still living with you? If so, something that might help is just making it so that eating healthy foods is easier.
As it is hard to change, making it easier does help stick with it. There are a lot of healthier snack things out there now if you can afford- little csrrot and dressing or apple and pranut butter snack packs, or nut and fruit and a cracker packs, that sort of things1 -
The only thing you can control here is "yourself". Do that. Be her example. If you have time now, try taking a cooking class to prepare meals that are tasty, but lower calorie. Or, scan the internet for recipes. Change your life around. Good luck.2
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