Binge Eating Denial???...too embarrassed and ashamed to get help

marthakingsley79 · April 2019

I keep telling myself I'm fine because Jan - Mar this year I went 3 months with only about one slip-up a month of 'plain old over-eating' compared to last year where I would binge regularly and eat until I was physically ill. I managed to lose several kilos and was so proud. In 2018 I put on 10-15 kgs as a result of obsessive, compulsive eating. It has made me feel suicidal, and even when I started losing some of the weight again this year, it was eventually never good enough because I was still overweight compared to where I have been my whole life (yes, there was a trigger as previously I never battled being overweight or binge eating) so I start eating again. I know it sounds bad and no disrespect but I've even wished that I could purge so that no one around me would notice how rapidly I have gained weight.
This last two weeks I seem to be on that slippery slope again. One reason is stress, and the other is I am going in to have a colonoscopy/endoscopy due to digestive issues so have to eat a diet of all refined, sugary, carby foods and so figure I cant diet anyway without being able to eat fruit and veg. Severe bloating, bad digestion and pain are the reasons for my operation, but I feel like maybe this wouldn't occur without the bingeing. Btw I am a very healthy eater normally and regular exerciser when I am on my game, I can be close to perfect 80-90% of the week, but then I'll just undo it all by gorging on mostly cakes/chocolate/chips and dip/bread, rice and pasta. HELP! I don't want to live anymore, I have agoraphobia and can barely leave the house because I am so paranoid of people seeing me and judging me. I look unhealthy and my family do not understand. I have done lots of therapy but it makes me want to pull my hair out. It's expensive and I find therapists judgemental, patronising and don't understand. They just tell me to meditate or some crap which doesn't help. I get so excited before eating lots of food, its my happy place and without it I'd just feel lost.

Fflpnari · April 2019

You need to find professional help. Keep trying until you find someone who you feel like they can help you

ashleygroizard · April 2019

marthakingsley79 wrote: »

I keep telling myself I'm fine because Jan - Mar this year I went 3 months with only about one slip-up a month of 'plain old over-eating' compared to last year where I would binge regularly and eat until I was physically ill. I managed to lose several kilos and was so proud. In 2018 I put on 10-15 kgs as a result of obsessive, compulsive eating. It has made me feel suicidal, and even when I started losing some of the weight again this year, it was eventually never good enough because I was still overweight compared to where I have been my whole life (yes, there was a trigger as previously I never battled being overweight or binge eating) so I start eating again. I know it sounds bad and no disrespect but I've even wished that I could purge so that no one around me would notice how rapidly I have gained weight.
This last two weeks I seem to be on that slippery slope again. One reason is stress, and the other is I am going in to have a colonoscopy/endoscopy due to digestive issues so have to eat a diet of all refined, sugary, carby foods and so figure I cant diet anyway without being able to eat fruit and veg. Severe bloating, bad digestion and pain are the reasons for my operation, but I feel like maybe this wouldn't occur without the bingeing. Btw I am a very healthy eater normally and regular exerciser when I am on my game, I can be close to perfect 80-90% of the week, but then I'll just undo it all by gorging on mostly cakes/chocolate/chips and dip/bread, rice and pasta. HELP! I don't want to live anymore, I have agoraphobia and can barely leave the house because I am so paranoid of people seeing me and judging me. I look unhealthy and my family do not understand. I have done lots of therapy but it makes me want to pull my hair out. It's expensive and I find therapists judgemental, patronising and don't understand. They just tell me to meditate or some crap which doesn't help. I get so excited before eating lots of food, its my happy place and without it I'd just feel lost.

Sounds like binge eating disorder which is an eating disorder. I’m not completely sure. You can ring the mental health line (you can google the number) and they will do an assessment and send you to a psychotherapist. Bulimia is binge eating and purging. I’m sorry your going through that and I hope you get help.

SCoil123 · April 2019

I agree that getting help is important. I’m a recovering bulimic. I gave up purging before I could stop binging. It’s hard. I’ve done outpatient treatment and EDA meetings. If you ever want to message I’m here. Sometimes it helps just knowing others have been there and found a way out.

amiller92873 · April 2019

You are definitely not alone! Nothing is worse than sitting at home alone with a house full of ice cream and cookies to keep you company. They are poison. At first the rush is real, there is a true chemical reaction in the brain in response to sugar (often said to be similar & stronger than cocaine), but then the crash and guilt is awful followed by an altered, depressed, very messed-up state of mind. It is a real reaction and a vicious cycle. Break the cycle by watching a few nutritional movies (yes, they are actually really good), like "Fed Up", "That Sugar Film" etc. learn what is happening inside your body, then go outside and take a walk in the sun. Put on music and just keep walking. I found very strict dieting led to binges. Maybe loosen the diet a little if needed. I think you would benefit from a support group and meeting friends? Also, perhaps addressing the agoraphobia and anxiety would help you be able to get out of the house and find things that bring you joy. Please know you are not alone and life can be wonderful!

kshama2001 · April 2019

marthakingsley79 wrote: »

I keep telling myself I'm fine because Jan - Mar this year I went 3 months with only about one slip-up a month of 'plain old over-eating' compared to last year where I would binge regularly and eat until I was physically ill. I managed to lose several kilos and was so proud. In 2018 I put on 10-15 kgs as a result of obsessive, compulsive eating. It has made me feel suicidal, and even when I started losing some of the weight again this year, it was eventually never good enough because I was still overweight compared to where I have been my whole life (yes, there was a trigger as previously I never battled being overweight or binge eating) so I start eating again. I know it sounds bad and no disrespect but I've even wished that I could purge so that no one around me would notice how rapidly I have gained weight.
This last two weeks I seem to be on that slippery slope again. One reason is stress, and the other is I am going in to have a colonoscopy/endoscopy due to digestive issues so have to eat a diet of all refined, sugary, carby foods and so figure I cant diet anyway without being able to eat fruit and veg. Severe bloating, bad digestion and pain are the reasons for my operation, but I feel like maybe this wouldn't occur without the bingeing. Btw I am a very healthy eater normally and regular exerciser when I am on my game, I can be close to perfect 80-90% of the week, but then I'll just undo it all by gorging on mostly cakes/chocolate/chips and dip/bread, rice and pasta. HELP! I don't want to live anymore, I have agoraphobia and can barely leave the house because I am so paranoid of people seeing me and judging me. I look unhealthy and my family do not understand. I have done lots of therapy but it makes me want to pull my hair out. It's expensive and I find therapists judgemental, patronising and don't understand. They just tell me to meditate or some crap which doesn't help. I get so excited before eating lots of food, its my happy place and without it I'd just feel lost.

Over the years I've seen, oh, maybe a dozen therapists. Some were unhelpful, some were neutral and two were exactly what I needed. I encourage you to keep looking for a good therapist. Have you seen people who specifically specialize in eating disorders?

Meanwhile, often when we read sentences like "I can be close to perfect 80-90% of the week, but then I'll just undo it all by gorging..." it turns out when the poster thinks they are "being good" they are actually undereating, which can often trigger a binge.

I didn't see you mention protein above. I found a lot of my cravings went away when I upped protein, fiber, fruit, and exercise.

The signals get crossed in my brain - I think I want baked goods, chips, pasta, ice cream etc., and eat and eat and eat but never feel satisfied. Turned out what I actually wanted was protein. When I focus on hitting my protein goal, a reasonable 20-25%, I don't have periods of uncontrolled eating.

Also regular exercise does something in my brain that gives me the high I get from food, without the disgusting feeling and guilt afterwards.

When I am especially stressed I make a point of exercising more. I realize exercise doesn't do this for everyone, but for me it has an incredible mental health benefits.

{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}

Princess_Damama · April 2019

We have many of the same issues. I'm a stress eater myself. I also live in a rural area and rarely leave the property. I eat and eat when I am stressed or bored. I also have gastrointestinal issues along with chronic pancreatitis from a birth defect which severely decreases my choices of food to chose from. I've had the procedures you are going to have a few times. I know it seems scary but don't stress out over it as they are simple procedures.

Have you tried to cut gluten out of your diet? It could be causing the bloating and other issues you are having. I don't have issues with gluten but my daughter and granddaughter do.

As another poster mentioned I started eating more protein. It's hard for me to hit the numbers for protein intake. I rarely eat meat as eating beef means at least a week at the hospital. Chicken and lean pork are doable occasionally with small portions. Carbs keep my stomach happy but they cause me to gain weight. I take pancreatic enzymes with everything I eat.

You posting your story here is your first step to recovery. Perhaps a visit with a dietician and a therapist who specializes in eating disorders would be helpful. If you need anyone to talk to I'm here.

Best wishes...

deannalfisher · April 2019

maybe check to see if there is a binge eater's anonymous near you - that may be as helpful as a therpist

Binge Eating Denial???...too embarrassed and ashamed to get help

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