I can't develop healthy habits with no support.....

Less than 3 months ago, a guy on the internet pretended he wanted to be in a relationship with me. As someone who hasn't had a partner in the past I was very excited. When I found out he'd just been messing with me for a laugh, I developed unhealthy eating habits. Namely,

-Began spending over $100 daily on food
-The amount of food I ate in one day was now equivalent to what I normally would have eaten in 5 days (if I had to estimate, I'd say at least 4,000 calories a day)
-My thought process was something like this "I am full but I still feel sad and lonely. I don't know how to cope. Food is the only thing that has ever made me feel better so I guess I'll have a few bites every few minutes even though my stomach hurts" followed by "I am so nauseous and in pain from eating. I can't eat any more. God, please please let my stomach feel better soon so I can feel more and feel good again"
-I've been to the emergency room twice where the doctor said I am damaging my organs by eating the amounts I do. I often am in so much pain I struggle to walk. Doubled over in pain.


During these 2 months, I felt guilty. I felt like a self-indulgent, greedy pig with no self control. I felt guilty for sending so much money.


Then, almost a month ago, another guy online, Wojtek (from my username), told me he wanted to be my boyfriend and he said wonderful things like he wanted to spend Christmas with me this year, live with me, cook with me, go hiking with me, and I felt wanted as a woman for the first time in my life (the last time wasn't real). At that point, I stopped overeating. It wasn't that I was tempted to eat too much but resisted the temptation. Overnight I started leaving the house on a daily basis and went on walks and hit the gym. When my stomach stopped looking like it was about to explode, I felt good looking at myself in the mirror. Even knowing I have lots of weight to lose, I felt like hey, I'm not as ugly as guys have called me in the past since now someone was attracted to me. Having someone talk to me about my day and think about me made me feel important. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt I would no longer overeat - I'm not saying all my problems were magically solved - I was still unemployed and in debt but knowing I had someone who cared about me gave me ONE GOOD THING in life other than food, for a change.


After he turned around and told me how HE had been messing with me too after telling me every single day he loved me and that he couldn't wait to see me, I first (unsuccessfully) attempted to purchase a handgun. I was bitterly disappointed with the prospect I'll be alone the rest of my life. You get to 30 years w/o anyone ever having been interested in you, it's unlikely someone's going to come up to me and offer to be my boyfriend. I'm not getting any younger. To cope with my farce of a life, I've been eating like crazy again. I used to tell myself I would at least TRY to sit with the misery without overeating. I don't even care any more...food's my only love, why should I give it up....I have a compassionate, gentle attitude for myself. Even if I reach 300 lb, I will know that it's not my fault - I didn't have support and love (show me someone who's never experienced love and who DOESN'T self medicate with food and I'll change my mind), it wasn't that I was lazy, it's that I didn't know how else to cope.

The sad thing is, all I want from life isn't a lot of money, fancy vacations, a new car, or things like most people. I just want the basic human need of being loved. A partner to talk to about our days, to cook for, and to go on walks with. I saw how my life could have been different. And now I have to somehow endure til the bitter end.