Struggling.

I am 5’1.5” and last time I weighed myself I was around 96-98 lbs (I was 120 lbs in November 2017, and was 107 in March 2018, 105 in May 2018, 101 in August 2018, and 97 starting in January 2019. Have not changed since then). I have not weighed myself in more than a week ever since I decided to start trying to gain weight. I chose to start gaining weight because I was living a very unhealthy lifestyle with a horrible mindset. Right now I am struggling greatly between wanting to be happy and wanting to be thin. Because of this added stress I’ve been eating very poorly since I stopped weighing myself, eating lots of sugary desserts and larger portions that I’ve been abstaining and restricting from for so long. I truthfully do not look very different but I feel so, so disgusting. I feel like I’ve let myself down and ruined everything because I’m no longer tracking each and every calorie I’m eating. This part of me really doesn’t want to gain weight and just wants to continue getting thinner to satisfy the irrational need to be skinny. On the other hand another part of me wants to indulge and be happy, eating whatever I want. I do not have a fast metabolism, but I do mildly intense exercise for 10+ hours a week, so I do not exactly gain weight quickly, and I do have the potential to eat more because I’m quite active. However I’m so worried about gaining weight and being “fat” even though I’m far from it, and it’s so difficult to find a balance. Literally my mindset is so horrible, that I feel that every little pound that I gain is a reminder of how weak I am. As I’ve mentioned before I feel absolutely horrible because I know I’m gaining so much weight right now (I’m probably around 105 right now which is a humongous back track to my progress already). I’m so conflicted. I don’t want to gain weight but I know that continuing down the path I had been on would only lead me farther into risk of more problems.Advice would be appreciated, but it’s not entirely necessary or expected. Just wanted to share my experience with weight loss/gain thus far.