Seeking insight

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nightmareteeth
nightmareteeth Posts: 2 Member
in Motivation and Support
So, I've been using My Fitness Pal off and on for years, but I have never posted anything. I often read posts in an attempt to gain insight or answer my own personal questions, but I'm sort of at my wits end and perhaps I just need to say something.

I've struggled with my weight for years. I'm 5'2, and all during high school I stayed right around the 125-130 range. I honestly wasn't bothered by this that much. In my early 20's, I packed on a few more pounds. By age 25 (2010) I had gotten myself up to 160, and I recall weighing myself on my birthday (something I never did at that time) and subsequently bursting in to tears. I promptly began starving myself; the first 30 lbs came off easily that way. Over the years, I managed to get myself down to 102 lbs, all very unhealthily. I never exercised. I didn't even eat very healthily or mindfully. I just didn't eat much.

I'm not sure what happened, but between November of last year, and up to present day, I have gotten myself back up to 109 lbs. The only thing I have done differently, is eat healthy (but I'm actually eating substantial amounts of food), and I exercise-- pretty lightly, mostly yoga, workout videos, and bike riding. I stay around the 1300-1400 calorie range. That is more food than I used to eat. I'm still admittedly concerned about the weight gain. There's a lot of paranoia that exists within me, due to having put on so much weight in my early 20's so quickly and without seeming to realize. I don't think I have a great metabolism. All of the women in my family do tend to be on the heavier side. I'm in my mid-30's so I worry about age being a factor as well. And I'm getting married in six months. It's just not the time that I want to see the scale steadily increasing.

Thoughts? Am I maybe just getting to a weight that I am meant to be, when actually eating healthy and being more active? Do I just need to accept that maybe my body isn't meant to be 102 lbs, when I'm actually feeding it? I'm guilty of being a slave to the scale. There were days I would weigh myself 20 times and become severely dejected if the number would increase by .4 lbs. Now I only weigh myself about twice a month. But I find that I have anxiety in the interim, wondering irrationally if I've put on 10 lbs. or more.

It's a lonely feeling-- constantly and consistently battling with this sort of thing. I guess I just wanted to connect. Any and all thoughts welcome. :-)

Replies

  • smoofinator
    smoofinator Posts: 635 Member
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    You've mentioned paranoia and the feeling of being a "slave to the scale." You might want to consider speaking to a counselor about your relationship with food and weighing yourself. It would probably be beneficial to make sure you're trying to lose weight for the right reasons. The anxiety and loneliness you're feeling shouldn't accompany your desire to lose weight and get healthy.

    I've struggled with obsessive behavior in the past, and it sounds like you're going through some of the same stuff. I recommend speaking to a therapist as soon as you can, and before you lose control of this.

    Good luck to you!
  • nightmareteeth
    nightmareteeth Posts: 2 Member
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    To be honest, I think I lost control a long time ago and have probably needed to talk to someone for a while. I can't really say what has made me put it off, but I know you're right. I feel like somewhere along the way my weight became the only thing that I care about, and I'm hard pressed to live a day where it's not the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last before I fall asleep. Thanks for your response!
  • pridesabtch
    pridesabtch Posts: 2,338 Member
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    Take care. Lighten up on yourself (people tell me that all the time, but I have no idea how to do that.) I'm about your size and I got down to 105 through over training and under eating. Not healthy, and not maintainable. I did eat 1200 calories a day, but I also ran 10-20 miles a week (2-3 evenings a week usually before lifting), lifted 3 days a week and rode my bike 150-200 miles a week (Usually 100-125 (occasionally 200) on the weekends and a couple 20-40 mile rides during the week). I raced bikes, time trials, and ran half marathons without training for them. I honestly am not sure how I did it. I did drink some additional calories after the bike rides. Bikes and beer are a classic combination. This was a very manic phase in my life. I felt invincible. I also have a full-time job, a husband and 2 active children.

    I got to the point in over training where I went into adrenal fatigue. It's awful, I barely had the energy to breath (only a slight exaggeration). Nonetheless the unhealthy lifestyle I was leading started out benign, exercising a little more and eating a little less, but it morphed into a manic drive to be smaller and faster. The degree of fatigue I felt was a direct effect of my obsessive behavior. What it got me was 6 months of "downtime". My body needed rest and food. I put on a few pounds at first, 110-ish, but I noticed it and it bothered me, a lot. I was still really small, but like you seeing the numbers go up upset me. Actually, it broke me. It triggered a deep depression. The belief that I would never have it all again. From the depression my weight continued to increase. When I saw that I went for starvation. My body continued to fail me. I was sick all the time. I had no energy, let alone drive. It was a viscous circle.

    I'm not trying to scare you with stories of weight gain, I'm just showing you what an unsustainable life can do to you physically and mentally. I don't want that for you. Understand that you will put on a few pounds when you start eating, but this will level off if you are eating at what MFP calls your maintenance calories. Best of luck.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,287 Member
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    You are tiny compared to me, I'm 5 10".... 109 pounds seems so tiny to me. Where are you on the BMI chart? If you are in the healthy BMI range for your weight, you are fine. If you are under the low end..you may want to seek help from a counselor. Again.. I have no idea where your weight would fall ..you need to look that up. Myself. I'm in the middle of my healthy BMI range.. I could still lose 10 or 15 pounds before I hit the low end. I'm happy where I am.
  • kimny72
    kimny72 Posts: 16,013 Member
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    nightmareteeth wrote: »
    To be honest, I think I lost control a long time ago and have probably needed to talk to someone for a while. I can't really say what has made me put it off, but I know you're right. I feel like somewhere along the way my weight became the only thing that I care about, and I'm hard pressed to live a day where it's not the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last before I fall asleep. Thanks for your response!

    ITA that talking to someone about this seems to be in order :smile:

    As far as the numbers game, at 5'2 your desired weight of 102 is just into the "underweight" category. You don't need to have a bad metabolism or anything that needs correcting to not be able to maintain that weight. Even 109 is quite lean. I am not a professional, but my suggestion would be to limit how often you weigh yourself as best you can (at least no more than once a day, if not less than that) and prioritize making an appointment and getting the anxiety and obsessiveness worked on. Please take care of yourself :flowerforyou:
  • diannethegeek
    diannethegeek Posts: 14,776 Member
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    nightmareteeth wrote: »
    To be honest, I think I lost control a long time ago and have probably needed to talk to someone for a while. I can't really say what has made me put it off, but I know you're right. I feel like somewhere along the way my weight became the only thing that I care about, and I'm hard pressed to live a day where it's not the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last before I fall asleep. Thanks for your response!

    It can be very daunting to seek professional help when you need it. I had to seek out a therapist years ago for depression (I was regularly crying at work over every little thing and it was terrible) and my mother had to make the first appointment for me because I couldn't reach out. I have never regretted seeking that professional help but it is so hard to take that first step.

    I can't say whether you do or don't, but remember that if you do have some kind of eating disorder or disordered eating habits, your brain will lie to you along the way to try and protect those patterns. That's why a therapist or other professional can be so helpful - to root out those lies when your brain can't see them.

    If you want to go the therapy route (and I recognize that not everyone is able to or in a place where it's the best option), do you have people around you that you trust who can be with you when you make that first step? I always offer to drive friends to their first appointments or be there when they make the phone call if it helps take the edge off. Reach out to the people around you and see if there are things that would help if you can.

    You aren't alone in this and you deserve to live a life where food and weight don't consume you. I hope that you'll check back in and let us know how it goes for you, whatever route you take.
  • diannethegeek
    diannethegeek Posts: 14,776 Member
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    elisa123gal wrote: »
    You are tiny compared to me, I'm 5 10".... 109 pounds seems so tiny to me. Where are you on the BMI chart? If you are in the healthy BMI range for your weight, you are fine. If you are under the low end..you may want to seek help from a counselor. Again.. I have no idea where your weight would fall ..you need to look that up. Myself. I'm in the middle of my healthy BMI range.. I could still lose 10 or 15 pounds before I hit the low end. I'm happy where I am.

    104-135 is the healthy weight range at 5'2", so a goal of 102 would put the OP in the underweight category.

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