Struggling with spouse not on board.
jtp139
Posts: 4 Member
I am the heaviest and most unfit I have ever been. I've had a couple of physical set backs over the past 2 years. My life is chaos right now and I'm struggling to find the energy and time to manage my health. My husband has a sweet tooth but doesn't seem to gain weight so he just eats how he wants. We are both stressed. I am practically begging him not to bring junk food into the house but he'll just say things like "I won't eat it in front of you". I know he is stressed out. I know this is his comfort. I know I can't change his behavior. How do I do this? 
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Replies
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I hear ya!! Im in the exact same situation.....today is my day one and the house is still full of Easter candy and junk food that my husband and my daughter will be eating while im trying to get started. My husband also has a sweet tooth and eats whatever her wants and never gains....on the other hand when I do the same it gets me where i am today....overweight and unhappy....ill be following to see what others have done to overcome this situation...good luck to us lol!1
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My spouse is not on board either. I shop for my and her groceries, so I buy and bring home her treats. I get it. It's hard. Work on you. Weigh your food. Log your food. Count your calories. Learn to take care of yourself. The fact to remember is that you don't have any physiological sympathetic hormonal action going on that makes you want his junk food. You can do this for you.11
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He said he wouldn't eat it in front of you. That's a good compromise. I think you have to only worry about yourself and what you put in your own mouth. Find solutions for that which don't involve someone else's actions. It's entirely up to you what you eat.
With that said, when I'm under significant stress it makes food harder. We all are under stressful situations sometimes. I have to just keep working on solutions for the problem. That's all any of us can do - and it is an inside job. What a spouse does is his/her issue.
Are you getting any exercise? Exercise helps so much when dealing with stress. So does eating a nutritious food plan. Sweets and sugary things make my anxiety so much worse. Try exercise and limiting sweets, it may help you too.
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It sounds like you're going to have to do this without much help from your spouse, and that is OK (maybe not ideal). We can't expect to have 100% of our needs met by our spouse. That's not fair to them. -and temptations are everywhere - like at work for example, and we don't expect our colleagues to forgo treats at the office just because we are trying to improve our habits. First, I think you need to figure out a way to summon the motivation/willpower to do this without your husband by choosing small daily goals, and building on your successes. For example, maybe you can start by figuring out one or two healthy breakfast options that you will enjoy and meet a caloric breakfast goal. Buy the ingredients. Enjoy a healthy breakfast every day for a week. Enjoy this success. Then build on it. Consider snacks or lunch... One step at a time until you are eating healthy for the whole day, with a little treat built in, within daily caloric goals. You can build your confidence and self reliance this way with baby steps - so hopefully it will feel more manageable during this chaotic time in your life. Second, if your husband isn't going too be your primary fitness partner, and you feel you need support, maybe you can find support elsewhere - in one or in a variety of places. I enjoy reading these forums - and find support and motivation here. Perhaps you have a friend or family member who also wants to improve her health/fitness/eating habits. Maybe you can find an "accountability partner" on line, through a group like this one, or through Facebook, or other. So that's my advice. Take small steps (even though the situation isn't perfect now) and find another source of support (so you don't have to rely on your husband who isn't ready to take on this role now). Good luck!7
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In addition to not eating them in front of you, can he put them somewhere you don't usually look so you don't have to face them all the time? A cupboard somewhere or something.8
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This - a drawer that's his and his alone, "it's his drawer and I can't go into it" not great, but.... hopefully it helps.2 -
Honestly, I wouldn’t make him responsible for a single second of your weight loss goals. This is what you want for you, and he can cheerlead you without you making him feel like it’s his fault if you slip up. Just don’t eat it. I have kids and we stock Doritos and little Debbie’s and Oreos... and If I want one, I make sure it fits in my daily allowance. If I overeat, it is MY fault, not theirs. Just my opinion.14
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You do your thing and let your spouse do his thing. He’s not putting a gun to your head making you eat his stuff so what’s your problem? Are you doubtful of your ability to follow your plan because of being unable to resist temptation?3
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Its actually really empowering to finally realize that you can have complete control over this part of your life and nobody can take it away from you!16
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I asked my former partner to have a container for her crap. I made a promise to myself to never open that container. I never did. Before that, living with her was like living in a candy store.
We agreed that any of her crap seen outside the container was flushable.6 -
I don't think he is doing anything wrong here. It sounds like he is supportive of you, but you can't expect him to live the same lifestyle if he doesn't have the same need for it. Trying to force it on him would just create a rift and add more stress to your lives.
The suggestions that several others have given you about special drawers are hiding places for it is a good one. That, along with not eating it in front of you, are reasonable compromises that allow him to support you while still maintaining his comforts.
Ultimately we are all responsible for our own progress. Sometimes it is helpful to have a spouse on board, but I think I would be happy if my wife didn't need to worry about her weight and could just eat what she wants. She is in a similar boat to me, so sometimes that can be helpful, but I would much rather her be a healthy weight and have it be a bit harder for me.5 -
I am not mad at him. I am struggling I guess with being able to resist? I'm not sure. I'm just feeling like I'm facing a wall and that I am not strong enough. Thanks for the words.
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Relationships are tricky. What I had to do was buy lower calorie food that I really look forward to. Often in portion controlled packaging. That way I can opt for the alternative while he eats what he wants. I recognize that if I eat what he is eating, I am personally not able to control my portion sizes. He also knows which foods I have reserved for only me and doesn’t eat them so that I always have them available. Knowing my limitations has helped a lot. I keep a lot of frozen dinners on hand so that I can easily opt out of the shared family meal but we can all still sit together.
After a period of time I was able to find ways to reintroduce some higher calorie foods and make them work with my calorie goal.3 -
I am the heaviest and most unfit I have ever been. I've had a couple of physical set backs over the past 2 years. My life is chaos right now and I'm struggling to find the energy and time to manage my health. My husband has a sweet tooth but doesn't seem to gain weight so he just eats how he wants. We are both stressed. I am practically begging him not to bring junk food into the house but he'll just say things like "I won't eat it in front of you". I know he is stressed out. I know this is his comfort. I know I can't change his behavior. How do I do this?
Hey I too live with a spouse who still brings junk food in the house and says the same thing your spouse does, what is important for you to do is turn inward and have prepared healthy snacks to turn to when he has his unhealthy snacks. Remind yourself every day all day of your goals, when tempted to eat his snacks go for a walk to clear your head, get sugar free snacks, fruit, nuts to replace bad snacks.0 -
Be patient with him and tell him to eat fruit instead. Maybe even with vanilla ice cream. Or get a few sweet cereals for dessert, I'd rather have a bowl or cereal than cake. My husband loves sweets and tonight I told him no junk food and he still got cookies. I dont like what he likes so no temptation but I understand. My husband and son need to be on the same page. And the mostly are, we try to buy foods that are organic and have no artificial ingredients or too much sugar.0
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Ivr found that making my own snack box helps!
He can just go grab a chocolate bar or sweets or whatever he fancies. But what can you just go mindlessly grab like that?
Hence, the snack box.
So in your snack box, you can have carrot sticks, cucumber, celery (maybe a small pot of houmous to dip in!) any sort of fruit, low fat yoghurts, low calorie crackers (like Ryvitas) And have it all prepped in the fridge, so you can just go grab it! And have it pre-measured with what the cslories are with a sticky note or something.
So when my partner grabs something, and i think "oooh what can i have" i dont even need to LOOK. just straight to the fridge, and by having a variety it means i also have choice, so if i dont fancy yoghurt i can have the fruit instead!
Just make it easier for you to choose the right snack!
Its as easy as it is for him when he thinks, hmm should i have a Snickers or a Kitkat!2 -
Mine is lean and muscular and eats like a pig and never gains too, so I get that. He eats whatever he wants around me, though. I don't track macros, just CICO, so I can basically eat whatever I feel like so long as it suits my daily limit. Personally I find it damaging to your overall journey to deny yourself cravings. I think it can be a kind of conduit to ultimate failure. Everything in moderation, right? I have a little chocolate basically every day and I'm down from 250 to 196 since March 28th. Make it easy on yourself and don't deprive yourself of the things you love- just go a little easy on them.3
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Fill out your food diary for the whole day either the night before or first thing in the morning. I do 3 days ahead.1
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I think this is really common - my boyfriend can (and does) eat basically anything without getting chunky. (The man is HOT). It's why I've really started to make use of these forums, I'm grateful for a group of people that have the same goals I do. Yes - there's junk food in my house, I just don't eat it (it's HIS). I'll buy his favorites for him when I grocery shop. He's very active during the day and can handle it. I'm not going to torment him into eating only healthy foods. I haven't told my Mom that I've been really watching what I eat for the past few months and making an effort to lose weight - the reasoning? She will decide she's my self elected accountability partner and make me freakin INSANE! Which promptly makes me derail and decide that packing around a bit extra is fine by me. Mom is a health food/fitness freak.....and I like food & beer. It's just best we don't discuss weight issues. I think it works the same with spouses/boyfriends.2
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It is really hard when someone is constantly eating foods in front of you that you cannot eat. If I was out and there was dessert, I would bring him home some. But then the food would be there for days and days and I would see it or while we are watching tv he is sitting right next to me eating the food I brought home. So I finally woke up and I no longer bring him home anything. (He doesn't need all that sugar/fat anyway). If I go grocery shopping, I only buy the food I can eat and he eats it too but no junk food. Even if at times I feel strong in my will to not eat off plan, it is when I get that "feeling/need/urge" to eat and if it's there I will get into it and it will then lead to a binge. So you need to take care of you. If you were an alcoholic, would there be bottles of alcohol just sitting around tempting you? Sure, some people can say no to certain foods, but others do have more problems with it that some do not understand. Hugs0
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The best thing you can do for your relationship, and yourself, is to train yourself to either, moderate the food, and work it into your calorie budget, or avoid it completely if you are unable to moderate. Temptations are around us everywhere, not just at home. We can’t expect family, friends or co-workers to avoid foods because we can’t control ourselves from overindulging. It isn’t easy, but blaming others for our lack of self control isn’t fair to them.6
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cayenne_007 wrote: »I think this is really common - my boyfriend can (and does) eat basically anything without getting chunky. (The man is HOT). It's why I've really started to make use of these forums, I'm grateful for a group of people that have the same goals I do. Yes - there's junk food in my house, I just don't eat it (it's HIS). I'll buy his favorites for him when I grocery shop. He's very active during the day and can handle it. I'm not going to torment him into eating only healthy foods. I haven't told my Mom that I've been really watching what I eat for the past few months and making an effort to lose weight - the reasoning? She will decide she's my self elected accountability partner and make me freakin INSANE! Which promptly makes me derail and decide that packing around a bit extra is fine by me. Mom is a health food/fitness freak.....and I like food & beer. It's just best we don't discuss weight issues. I think it works the same with spouses/boyfriends.
You may be the wisest well adjusted person who ever wrote a post on mfp lol
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This is your choice and your journey. It's a great choice! But that doesn't mean that you can force others to do it with you, or even help you with it. You should find ways to make it easier for yourself to stay away from foods even if they are in your home. If it helps you can pretend like you have a roommate who lives with you - would you touch a roommate's food? No. The same thing will happen at work when they have functions, at parties/events you have to go to. People offer and have bad food around all the time. It all starts with you and your choice, regardless of how much junk food is around you, you'll have to decide to say no.2
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@150poundsofme - I get it!! I shop & bring only healthy items into the house. I do try to eat in moderation, but it's awfully hard to not partake, then overindulge in the junk that he buys. He's supportive, but then says; "I don't mean to sabotage, but I brought home... pizza." For real!? He knows that I plan my meals for the day. And he has been more helpful of trying to work with me on dinners by making sure that there is a good protein for dinner either grilled or a rotisserie chicken. But, then he wants an adult beverage and goes to the store and gets that and junk food. Being strong is hard. But I try every day. Finding a happy medium we're both working on together. One of those happy mediums is that he knows my "cheat" day is Sundays, after weekly weigh-in. I try not to give in completely but allow myself a little more on those days. (i.e. we had pizza last week. I knew ahead of time to make sure that I had salad stuff in the house and protein to top it off and balance out the meal.)
I'd like to hear more strategies from others who experience this, as well.
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That's his choice. Why does it matter if he's not eating it in front of you?2
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I used to try to control my spouse while struggling to lose weight, but I nearly lost him. He said he wanted a spouse not a mother. Since then, I started to take a serious look at my actions. He was right. I was parenting him because I had no self control. Ultimately, you have to dig deeper. It's our journey, not our spouses. His agreeing to not eat it in front of you is already more than most get. My husband and kids eat that stuff in front of me all the time and I drool while I watch and slap my own hand if I reach for it. My addiction to everything unhealthy is my struggle. I need to put my big girl panties on and find the strength to avoid the things I know I shouldnt be eating. Temptation is everywhere we go. It avoiding those things is the only way to lose weight, then we are all doomed. Each of us have our something else. That one thing that drives us to succeed despite temptation. Find yours and you will be unstoppable.2
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I can so relate to this. My husband was always slim until he stopped smoking so now he has a belly on him. He makes comments on my weight, nothing demeaning, but compared me to other women saying how they're in great shape etc, stating the obvious that I'm not. But then he buys ice cream and cookies for me because he loves me....how messed up is that. When I tell him i don't want any he then tries to guilt me into having some. Grrr!0
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So I have an issue with my husband to he is diabetic and no matter what I try and do to help him he does the opposite. He eats cookies chocolate cake drinks 2 L bottle of sodas in a day everything he's not supposed to put in his mouth he does. And besides all the food that I try to get for myself all the healthy proteins and all the healthy snacks he decides to eat that too. So then he leaves nothing for me to eat from my diet and to try and work on my success. I've tried involving him in the healthy way of eating so we both can get better and he just keeps doing the same thing over and over again. For three years now this is the way my life has been I'm up and down with my weight I struggle everyday when he goes in and eats my fruit and vegetables and my proteins that I have he then looks for I'll have Suites. I stopped buying the sweets and then he goes out and he buys them and bring some home but when I make myself my chicken for the week or by myself turkey or I get like the Bumblebee can check in and make that was my string beans he eats everything on me and says that well I'm just going to take it with me to work because I have nothing else to eat. So there is real struggle for a lot of women out there who have husbands who don't want to have any part in what's going on with the wife self. I then have to hide my food and thank God my mother lives next door because I have to bring my food over and leave it in her fridge so he doesn't eat all my healthy food. I wish I can get them onboard to just eat the healthy food and then stay away from all the bad stuff. What happens though is if I have Tupperware in the fridge or in the freezer and it's separated for like 5 to 7 days for the week he'll go in and he'll take two or three of my Tupperware has to work for one day and eat all my food so this is my struggle I try and better myself and then I can't because he leaves me with nothing and it's not like I have the financial means that I can keep going out and buying additional food. He tells me to bring him home chili or bring me home Hot Pockets or he wants new banquet meals that have buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese or something like that and he'll eat that and then eat my food and then eat snacks on top of it. So my only option is to hide all of my help food so he doesn't get to it really sad when you don't have someone who will support your efforts but then we'll sit back and complain about how sick they are and how much help they need and when you try they say that you're preaching to them or you're treating them like a child that's why the way you're stuck2
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I can so relate to this. My husband was always slim until he stopped smoking so now he has a belly on him. He makes comments on my weight, nothing demeaning, but compared me to other women saying how they're in great shape etc, stating the obvious that I'm not. But then he buys ice cream and cookies for me because he loves me....how messed up is that. When I tell him i don't want any he then tries to guilt me into having some. Grrr!
mine too!!! I feel like he wants to keep me fat, so he doesn't have to work on himself. He's got so many health problems.0
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